Ending the War with my Body

I want peace in the world - but the world cannot be at peace as long as I am at war. Including at war with myself. What we are inside we also generate outside. There can be no peace in my reality as long as there is war in my consciousness.

For many years I've been at war with myself. I'm ending this war now.

"Be the change you want to see in the world." (Mahatma Gandhi)

I have several conflicts with myself. For example, sometimes I still have a hard time accepting that I am a scanner. I also have difficulties coping with my high sensitivity. It annoys me that I'm thirty and still don't know what I want to do when I am grown up. There are quite a lot of things that I reproach myself for.

One of my goals for 2009 is to resolve all of those conflicts, starting with the biggest one. The biggest conflict I have with myself is about my body. There are (were) so many things about my body that I don't (didn't) like! Most of all that I am "too fat".

So I have decided to end this war now, and to accept and love myself exactly the way I am and am not. I think the lesson for me in being overweight is to learn unconditional self-love. I'll be able to let go of that fat when I have grown to truly love what is, now.

Approach one: The Work

Loving what is is the title of a wonderful book by Byron Katie. I'm applying her approach to my body problem now: I'm doing The Work on it.

The Work is a very powerful process that you can use to address all kinds of negative emotions, no matter whether they are about people, situations or other issues like finding yourself too fat. I highly recommend The Work! It will set you free. How to do it is explained here.

I'm not done with it yet, there is so much to work on! But since I started to do The Work to befriend my body, I'm already feeling much better.

I had an interesting dream. In my dream I was going around completely naked, and I was feeling perfectly comfortable this way. I didn't have an ideal body or anything like that, it was my real body, with fat and all. I was not even shaved! Yet it felt great and natural to be naked. At first the people I was talking to were a little embarrassed, but soon they too got comfortable with seeing me this way and talked with me as if everything were normal. In the end, everybody was fine with my being naked!

I think this was a very cool dream.

I can feel that I am slowly falling in love with my body at the moment. For example when I look at the stretchmarks on my hips, instead of resenting them for being there, like I did before, now I look at them with love and I'm damn proud of my great battle scars.

I especially love my legs! Actually I can't stop looking at them anymore. I've always disliked my legs, because they are not only covered with a layer of fat, they're also quite muscular. I like to say that I have legs like a soccer player. And I used to beat myself up for that. "This looks awful with a short skirt and high-heels! It's not feminine!" Blah blah blah. While doing The Work I suddenly realized: "Hey! Wait a minute! I never wear short skirts and high-heels in the first place! I dream of being a muscle beast. And I resent my legs for being muscular? How illogical is that!!"

"You will always suffer when your mind wants two opposing things at once." (Byron Katie)

I cannot be a muscle beast and have legs like a petite girlie. That's just not possible, I need to make a choice. This choice is a no-brainer for me! I don't care about being feminine, but I do care a lot about being strong.

So now I totally love my soccer player legs. And everything else as well. I just love my body! I can't touch it and look at it enough, I'm amazed at how fantastic it is!

You have no idea how wonderful a feeling it is to be allowed to love my body at last. What a relief.

Approach two: taking action


I'm asking myself "How would I feel, and how would I behave, if I were perfectly fine with my body as it is now?". That's actually a part of The Work ("How would you feel and behave if you didn't have this  thought?"), but I extended it a bit for myself. The Work is meditation. But I'm going to actually do those things.

I made a list of things I would do if my body were a non-issue for me, and now I'm going to do them regardless! Ha! Good way to overcome my fears and to build courage.

One of those things is to post pictures on my blog. I found out that if I didn't have any problem with my body, I would post way more pictures on my blog. Oddly enough, not only pictures of myself. I would also post other pictures unrelated to me. I don't know why feeling bad about my body prevented me from posting pictures of landscapes and stuff, but that's the case. So, expect to see more pictures on here from now on.

I'm also considering learning how to strip-tease. Just for fun, as a way of getting more comfortable with my body, with being seen naked, and with feeling sexually attractive.

I tend to feel anxious when a man finds me attractive. I'm confident about my sexual skills, so once in bed everything's fine. The problem is the fear of being sexually attractive when I'm not having sex, if this makes sense.

I don't know exactly why I feel this way, but asking why is not an empowering question anyway. I'd rather ask myself what I can do about it. Maybe learning to strip-tease could be one possible solution. It would be a fun thing to try out anyway.

What about you?

Do you love your body unconditionally, as it is right now?
What are you being at war with yourself about?
What can you do right now to make peace with yourself?
What are you generating in your reality? Peace, or War?

Much Love to you. I wish you a wonderful day!