This post is for scanners, of course. If you're not a scanner, you don't need to remember that you are one (nor to read this). But if you are a scanner, don't you ever forget that you are one.
Especially in conventional personal development, we are told over and over again that we should focus on only one or at most two projects or goals at a time. This way of thinking has infected us so much that we keep trying to do that, even though it is totally not helpful to us.
Scanners are just wired differently. We need to juggle. That is what makes us productive. Scanners often procrastinate and are ineffective, that is true. But the point is: scanners don't procrastinate because they work on several projects at the same time. Scanners procrastinate because they try to focus on one project at a time and don't allow themselves to juggle as it would be natural to them.
We struggle when we try to fit into conventional models that are not made for us. This is just not who we are. Trying to be something that we are not creates separation. And struggle.
Sometimes I feel really overwhelmed by all the goals and ideas I am pursuing simultaneously. I feel scattered, unfocused, I don't know what to begin with, what to do next, what to focus on... And that is exactly the mistake! This wanting to "figure it out" and focus on one thing.
What creates my stress in such a situation is not that I have many things to work on. It's that I am trying to behave in ways that don't match what I really am at my very core. Then I die inside. I suffer, I suffocate, and my productivity drops. When on the contrary I remember that I am a scanner, when I allow myself to juggle playfully with everything I am doing, now that unleashes the power within!
In a way I think all this has a lot to do with control. Our logical mind always tries to be in control, to make plans, to set priorities, to decide, and to know where we are going. That is fear. Letting go of control and just spontaneously following our intuition, which is what we do when we juggle around, is scary.
It is perfectly fine not to know what to begin with and what to do next! Inspired action flows out of us freely when we allow ourselves to be in a state of uncertainty. Yes, sometimes this means suddenly interrupting what we are doing, and going for something else. So what?
Today, I was ordering some books on Amazon for my mother. After adding two of the three books she wants to my cart, I suddenly got bored and went to reply to two emails. Some people can sit down and reply to twenty emails in one session - I cannot. I replied to two emails, then I felt inspired to working on this book about business and marketing, one of several books that I am studying at the moment. I took the book to the kitchen, sat down at my kitchen table and did some reading and written exercises. Why the kitchen table and not my desk? Dunno. I just felt like being in the kitchen for a change. After a couple pages of the book, I had enough, jumped up and started writing this blog post. After 362 words I got bored, went back to Amazon and finished ordering the stuff for my mother. Then I went through my French books, sorting out those I don't want anymore. I am decluttering at the moment, and getting rid of most of my books. And now I am back here writing.
Maybe a psychologist would diagnose me with ADD or ADHD or whatever. Who cares? As long as I get my stuff done and have fun getting it done.
Juggling is not multitasking. If I were preparing a reading for a client while listening to music, thinking about my new eBook, and checking for new emails every two minutes, that would be multitasking. That's not what I do. I am fully focused on what I do when I do it. I just switch activities quicker than other people. But if in the end I get everything done, where's the problem?
They keep repeating that it is more effective to focus on one thing until it's done. Maybe for specialists. Not for scanners. Our brains just aren't very linear. I usually get my best ideas about something after a while of doing something else. I am quick at switching my focus and remembering everything I had done previously. I'm good at drawing parallels. What I learn in one area helps me in other areas. I can apply literature to computer programming and mathematics to relationships. That makes me effective. Maybe not in logically obvious ways, but effective nonetheless, in interesting ways.
Just because someone writes in a book that we should work on our most important task for four hours straight first thing in the morning, or focus on only one goal at a time, doesn't make them right. In my experience, this only leads to stress, boredom, frustration, and ultimately procrastination. It makes me feel stuck and awfully off-track.
Accepting ourselves as scanners isn't easy. We don't really have role models, we often struggle to get things done. We might feel lost, or think something is wrong with us. But being a scanner is a strength, provided we see it this way and act accordingly.
We need to embrace our scanner nature and honor it. Everything else brings us farther away from ourselves. Being ourselves, that's also accepting and remembering what we are, and building on that.
Mostrando entradas con la etiqueta acceptance. Mostrar todas las entradas
Mostrando entradas con la etiqueta acceptance. Mostrar todas las entradas
martes, 30 de marzo de 2010
lunes, 15 de marzo de 2010
How to Solve the Problems in the World
Since I consider it my mission in this lifetime to create total harmony on Earth, I have thought a lot about ways to deal with all the horrible things that happen all around the world.
Collectively, we can do a lot. I have big dreams about creating an worldwide movement that would spread love and work towards international peace. Or, even better, I dream of uniting and coordinating all the thousands of already existing movements and wonderful people who are actively working on making this planet a more harmonious place. It is time that we all start really working together, don't you think? :-)
Let's Cultivate Acceptance
The most important thing for us to do is to remember that there is nothing wrong with how things are now. When I say "horrible things", that's a human judgment. We humans love to go around judging things as "right" and "wrong" and "good" and "bad" and pinning some fancy labels on them. In truth the world is perfect as it is, and exactly as it should be. There is nothing wrong, ever. In that sense, the world has no problems that we'd need to solve, to begin with.
Just because we accept something as it is doesn't mean we cannot create something new. I'm curious about how it would feel to collectively experience the energies of love, peace, connection, harmony and abundance. Massively, worldwide. Can you even imagine it? That would be something new! I love to start new projects. Heh, I'm a scanner. ;-)
The first step in order to change something is to accept and wholeheartedly welcome it, unconditionally. To shine light on another facet of our collective self, let's fully embrace the current situation and acknowledge it as perfect!
Let's Respond with Love
When we think of all the terrible things happening in the world, we could feel good and cast some love at those doing them.
All these horrible things happening in the world are just manifestations of disharmony. Feeling bad about them means putting ourselves into a state of disharmony as well. How could disharmony ever heal disharmony? On the contrary, it just reinforces it. The best way to help those who are suffering is to not feel bad about them.
There is no separation between "me"and "them" (the horrible situations or horrible people doing horrible things). It's all one and the same. So how can "I" be less negative? Certainly not by getting sad or angry! I can only become less negative by becoming less negative, not more. This means: maintaining an inner state of peace and love no matter what happens.
Let's Practice Non-Violence
The world is us and we are the world. If we want less violence, we need to become less violent ourselves. Be the change.
Non-violence to me means not taking any violent actions, but also not speaking any violent words, and not thinking any violent thoughts.
Our thoughts do affect others. Thoughts are energy. They create energetic patterns around us. Because of resonance, these patterns propagate and influence everything else. When we think violent thoughts, we actively create violence in the world. Isn't it weird to create something, disapprove of it, and by disapproving of it, create more of the same?
The words we use aren't harmless. They influence our energetic state of being and the one of others. Creating peace in the world includes shaping our vocabulary accordingly.
As for violent actions, these include small or indirect ones. Just as an example, eating meat, eggs or dairy products, using conventional perfume or wearing leather contributes to the violence against non-human animals. Buying stuff in flashy packings that we don't truly need contributes to the disrespectful violation of our natural environment, which is, too, a form of violence.
How can we create a peaceful, loving and respectful world when through our thoughts, words and actions, we are permanently supporting and creating more of the contrary? There is nothing wrong with that. It's just a matter of deciding which energies we want in our reality.
Let's Choose Appropriate Input
Our state of consciousness determines what kind of effect we have on the whole system. Poisoning ourselves with negative input is not helpful in maintaining a positive vibrational state.
I never watch or listen to the news. It is poison for my soul. If you ask me, this is true for TV in general. You can safely throw yours away. This definitely would contribute to world peace.
Surround yourself with uplifting, positive people who make your soul happy and see the best in you.
How about the food you eat? Close your eyes, touch your heart and ask yourself how your food makes you feel really, beyond the immediate pleasure you have when you eat it.
Extend this to all kinds of input, including art, music, novels and movies.
We have the right and the power to choose what we do or don't allow into our consciousness. Saying "no" to negative input is a powerful decision.
Let's be happy!
The best way we can help the world is by being happy. When we are happy, we broadcast happy vibes which influence everybody else. It makes the whole world more harmonious. And that means: less problems.
Happiness does not depend on external circumstances. It is a choice. Let's practice being happy every single day in our lives!
Let's align with ourselves. Let's shed all that is not truly us and be more of who we really are. Let's acknowledge our real desires and go for them. Let's express our soul.
:-)
Wanna join me in creating total harmony on Earth? :-)
Collectively, we can do a lot. I have big dreams about creating an worldwide movement that would spread love and work towards international peace. Or, even better, I dream of uniting and coordinating all the thousands of already existing movements and wonderful people who are actively working on making this planet a more harmonious place. It is time that we all start really working together, don't you think? :-)
Let's Cultivate Acceptance
The most important thing for us to do is to remember that there is nothing wrong with how things are now. When I say "horrible things", that's a human judgment. We humans love to go around judging things as "right" and "wrong" and "good" and "bad" and pinning some fancy labels on them. In truth the world is perfect as it is, and exactly as it should be. There is nothing wrong, ever. In that sense, the world has no problems that we'd need to solve, to begin with.
Just because we accept something as it is doesn't mean we cannot create something new. I'm curious about how it would feel to collectively experience the energies of love, peace, connection, harmony and abundance. Massively, worldwide. Can you even imagine it? That would be something new! I love to start new projects. Heh, I'm a scanner. ;-)
The first step in order to change something is to accept and wholeheartedly welcome it, unconditionally. To shine light on another facet of our collective self, let's fully embrace the current situation and acknowledge it as perfect!
Let's Respond with Love
When we think of all the terrible things happening in the world, we could feel good and cast some love at those doing them.
All these horrible things happening in the world are just manifestations of disharmony. Feeling bad about them means putting ourselves into a state of disharmony as well. How could disharmony ever heal disharmony? On the contrary, it just reinforces it. The best way to help those who are suffering is to not feel bad about them.
There is no separation between "me"and "them" (the horrible situations or horrible people doing horrible things). It's all one and the same. So how can "I" be less negative? Certainly not by getting sad or angry! I can only become less negative by becoming less negative, not more. This means: maintaining an inner state of peace and love no matter what happens.
Let's Practice Non-Violence
The world is us and we are the world. If we want less violence, we need to become less violent ourselves. Be the change.
Non-violence to me means not taking any violent actions, but also not speaking any violent words, and not thinking any violent thoughts.
Our thoughts do affect others. Thoughts are energy. They create energetic patterns around us. Because of resonance, these patterns propagate and influence everything else. When we think violent thoughts, we actively create violence in the world. Isn't it weird to create something, disapprove of it, and by disapproving of it, create more of the same?
The words we use aren't harmless. They influence our energetic state of being and the one of others. Creating peace in the world includes shaping our vocabulary accordingly.
As for violent actions, these include small or indirect ones. Just as an example, eating meat, eggs or dairy products, using conventional perfume or wearing leather contributes to the violence against non-human animals. Buying stuff in flashy packings that we don't truly need contributes to the disrespectful violation of our natural environment, which is, too, a form of violence.
How can we create a peaceful, loving and respectful world when through our thoughts, words and actions, we are permanently supporting and creating more of the contrary? There is nothing wrong with that. It's just a matter of deciding which energies we want in our reality.
Let's Choose Appropriate Input
Our state of consciousness determines what kind of effect we have on the whole system. Poisoning ourselves with negative input is not helpful in maintaining a positive vibrational state.
I never watch or listen to the news. It is poison for my soul. If you ask me, this is true for TV in general. You can safely throw yours away. This definitely would contribute to world peace.
Surround yourself with uplifting, positive people who make your soul happy and see the best in you.
How about the food you eat? Close your eyes, touch your heart and ask yourself how your food makes you feel really, beyond the immediate pleasure you have when you eat it.
Extend this to all kinds of input, including art, music, novels and movies.
We have the right and the power to choose what we do or don't allow into our consciousness. Saying "no" to negative input is a powerful decision.
Let's be happy!
The best way we can help the world is by being happy. When we are happy, we broadcast happy vibes which influence everybody else. It makes the whole world more harmonious. And that means: less problems.
Happiness does not depend on external circumstances. It is a choice. Let's practice being happy every single day in our lives!
Let's align with ourselves. Let's shed all that is not truly us and be more of who we really are. Let's acknowledge our real desires and go for them. Let's express our soul.
:-)
Wanna join me in creating total harmony on Earth? :-)
jueves, 22 de octubre de 2009
Example of an Empowering Social Mindset
When it comes to social skills and relationships, I always say it's all a matter of mindset. But what mindset exactly?
That is up to you to decide for yourself. We're all different. You need to find what works for you.
Here is one example of a mindset that works. It works for me. Maybe it can inspire you in finding your own empowering mindset?
Beliefs about Myself
I am a wonderful person.
I am interesting.
I know what I want.
I'm clear about my goals, values, and life purpose.
I am sexy.
I love myself damn fucking much.
People enjoy talking with me and spending time with me.
I am great in bed. Or in any other place than the bed.
I am 100% responsible for my own feelings, actions, and reality.
I am ready to step out of my comfort zone and to accept change - including in my social life.
I am perfectly fine as I am right now. (Still working on this one: sometimes I still dislike my overweight!)
Beliefs about Others
Other people are wonderful persons. There is beauty in everyone. We are all incredibly fascinating creatures. Everybody is interesting.
Other people are friendly.
I trust everybody.
Everybody likes me. When someone doesn't like me, this has nothing to do with me personally. It's because in their eyes I represent something that they don't like.
I love everybody. When I don't like someone, it's because they trigger energies in me that I don't like. It has nothing to do with them personally.
Nobody can hurt me if I don't allow them to do so.
Other people are 100% responsible for their own feelings and actions. I am 0% responsible for other people's feelings and actions.
Trying to protect others from being hurt is highly disrespectful towards them.
Other people are perfectly fine as they are right now.
Beliefs about my Social Skills
My social skills are excellent.
I can talk to any stranger, attract any relationship, and make anybody feel comfortable with me in minutes.
I'm not afraid of anybody.
Beliefs about Relationships and Communication
Friends, lovers and all people in my life are just a reflection of the love and connection that is inside me. As long as I let love and connection flow into my life, I naturally manifest friends, lovers and people.
We are all one. We are all connected. Distance is not relevant, no matter what happens we stay connected. I cannot truly lose anybody.
If someone disappears from my life, lots of other people will show up instead, who will be more aligned with who I am.
I cannot be lonely, ever.
Relationships are easy.
Communicating with others is easy.
Love is easy. It just flows.
I don't take rejection personally. It says more about the other person's choices than about me. Other people's choices have nothing to do with me.
What others think about me is none of my business. I have more interesting things to think about anyway.
If a relationship is not aligned with my highest path and purpose, I leave. Living my purpose and creating the reality I want has a higher priority than any relationship.
Loving someone does not necessarily mean spending time with them. I can choose not to associate with someone if that is not in my highest good, not aligned with my goals, or not appropriate for any other reason, and still love them. Choosing who I spend my time with is not a love issue, it's a time-management issue. (More about this here.)
Beliefs about the World and Life in General
The world is a fantastic place!
Life is so exciting!
I am here to grow and learn. Everything is a growth experience, everything is a lesson. If I learn from them, I am open to any growth experiences, no matter how uncomfortable they may feel to me.
I look forward to seeing what I will create in my life!
Everything is exactly as it should be at this time. This does not mean that we cannot create something better. ;)
Love heals everything. Especially fear.
Create Your Own Mindset
Which ones of those beliefs do you resonate with, and which ones do you not resonate with? Can you think of more beliefs that make you feel good and would improve your social life?
You are free to choose your beliefs. Create your own, very personal, super-powerful mindset!
That is up to you to decide for yourself. We're all different. You need to find what works for you.
Here is one example of a mindset that works. It works for me. Maybe it can inspire you in finding your own empowering mindset?
Beliefs about Myself
I am a wonderful person.
I am interesting.
I know what I want.
I'm clear about my goals, values, and life purpose.
I am sexy.
I love myself damn fucking much.
People enjoy talking with me and spending time with me.
I am great in bed. Or in any other place than the bed.
I am 100% responsible for my own feelings, actions, and reality.
I am ready to step out of my comfort zone and to accept change - including in my social life.
I am perfectly fine as I am right now. (Still working on this one: sometimes I still dislike my overweight!)
Beliefs about Others
Other people are wonderful persons. There is beauty in everyone. We are all incredibly fascinating creatures. Everybody is interesting.
Other people are friendly.
I trust everybody.
Everybody likes me. When someone doesn't like me, this has nothing to do with me personally. It's because in their eyes I represent something that they don't like.
I love everybody. When I don't like someone, it's because they trigger energies in me that I don't like. It has nothing to do with them personally.
Nobody can hurt me if I don't allow them to do so.
Other people are 100% responsible for their own feelings and actions. I am 0% responsible for other people's feelings and actions.
Trying to protect others from being hurt is highly disrespectful towards them.
Other people are perfectly fine as they are right now.
Beliefs about my Social Skills
My social skills are excellent.
I can talk to any stranger, attract any relationship, and make anybody feel comfortable with me in minutes.
I'm not afraid of anybody.
Beliefs about Relationships and Communication
Friends, lovers and all people in my life are just a reflection of the love and connection that is inside me. As long as I let love and connection flow into my life, I naturally manifest friends, lovers and people.
We are all one. We are all connected. Distance is not relevant, no matter what happens we stay connected. I cannot truly lose anybody.
If someone disappears from my life, lots of other people will show up instead, who will be more aligned with who I am.
I cannot be lonely, ever.
Relationships are easy.
Communicating with others is easy.
Love is easy. It just flows.
I don't take rejection personally. It says more about the other person's choices than about me. Other people's choices have nothing to do with me.
What others think about me is none of my business. I have more interesting things to think about anyway.
If a relationship is not aligned with my highest path and purpose, I leave. Living my purpose and creating the reality I want has a higher priority than any relationship.
Loving someone does not necessarily mean spending time with them. I can choose not to associate with someone if that is not in my highest good, not aligned with my goals, or not appropriate for any other reason, and still love them. Choosing who I spend my time with is not a love issue, it's a time-management issue. (More about this here.)
Beliefs about the World and Life in General
The world is a fantastic place!
Life is so exciting!
I am here to grow and learn. Everything is a growth experience, everything is a lesson. If I learn from them, I am open to any growth experiences, no matter how uncomfortable they may feel to me.
I look forward to seeing what I will create in my life!
Everything is exactly as it should be at this time. This does not mean that we cannot create something better. ;)
Love heals everything. Especially fear.
Create Your Own Mindset
Which ones of those beliefs do you resonate with, and which ones do you not resonate with? Can you think of more beliefs that make you feel good and would improve your social life?
You are free to choose your beliefs. Create your own, very personal, super-powerful mindset!
lunes, 28 de septiembre de 2009
Anti-Manipulation Mindset
Nobody can manipulate you if you don't allow it. If there is someone manipulating you, this means that you handed your power over to them. You probably didn't do it consciously, but you did it. It happened because your attitude is disempowering in some way.
Anti-manipulation techniques are nothing without the right mindset. If the way you think gives others power over you, no technique will help you in the long run. To defend yourself against manipulators, it is very helpful to shift your mindset. This means adopting different beliefs and attitudes that do not allow anybody to control you.
Here is some internal stuff that will make you STRONG when confronted to manipulators. :-)
******
Take 100% responsibility for your feelings
You create your own feelings. What others do or say never causes your feelings directly. It just triggers them. What actually determines how you feel is your mindset: your beliefs, judgments and attitudes about the situation you are in.
Knowing this helps a lot in dealing with manipulators. When you think that others have the power to hurt you, you're helpless. Taking full responsibility for your feelings however gives you all your power back. Even if you're not able to control your feelings yet, even if some manipulator succeeds in triggering some unpleasant emotions in you, knowing that you are actually the one creating those feelings, and that you have the power to change that, will make you a lot stronger.
Then you will know that they do not truly have any power over you. Their power is an illusion that you can free yourself from. When a manipulator’s subtext makes you feel bad, remember that on some level you just chose to feel bad. You can just as well choose not to let them impress you. You do have this choice.
When you practice taking full responsibility for your feelings, you will get better at choosing how you want to feel. And then, manipulators really have no power over you anymore.
******
Screw guilt
If everybody is 100% responsible for their own feelings, this logically means that you are 0% responsible for other people's feelings. Other people create their own feelings. You can trigger them, but what they do with it is theirs to decide and has nothing to do with you.
Guilt is frequently used by manipulators to blackmail people. "If you don't do xyz, I will be sad." Well, too bad for them if they choose to feel sad! That's their problem, not yours.
Same with actions: you are NOT responsible for other people's actions. "If you don't do xyz, I will drink myself into a coma." Oh yeah? What they do with their life is their decision and none of your business.
In case you think that is heartless, I disagree. This is the most loving attitude I can think of. You don't do anybody a favor by taking the responsibility for their life away from them. Actually, it is highly disrespectful.
Don't feel guilty for other people's feelings or actions. Never. Also, don't feel guilty for your own decisions. Make clear and conscious choices according to your values, priorities and goals - and stand by them shamelessly. Guilt is a totally useless and draining feeling. Kick it out of your life.
******
Get rid of fear
Along with guilt, another emotion that manipulators love to use for their own benefit is fear. If you are scared of something, it’s very easy for someone else to gain power over you. They just need to trigger your fear. They just need to suggest very subtly that what you fear could come true if you don’t do what they want – and you do it.
Facing and transcending your fears will make you much less vulnerable to manipulators. If you’re not afraid of losing your job, your boss will have a hard time using firing you as a threat to make you work overtime. If you’re not afraid of getting dumped or being single, you are much less likely to be a doormat in your relationship. If you’re not afraid of being unattractive, you won’t feel compelled to buy all the beauty products commercials try to sell you. And so on.
Fear is powerful. It’s not easy to “just” face and transcend it. What you can do as a first step is to become aware of it. When fear shows up, acknowledge it, say hello to it, call it by its name, and then just observe it. If a manipulator plays on your fear of something in order to control you, alone being aware of what's going on will help you.
Keep in mind that you create your fear, just as any other feeling. You have the choice not to take it seriously and not to react to it.
******
Heal pain
I guess we all have some old pain hidden in an obscure closet in the cellar of our mind. Some manipulators are great at spotting such old pain and playing on this weakness to get what they want. For some people, being reminded of it is so extremely painful that they'd do anything just not to have this hot spot triggered. This makes them very, very vulnerable.
If you have such old pain in you, heal it. There are many methods. You can use EFT, talk about it with a psychotherapist, consult an energy healer, or work with a coach specialized in such issues. For example Angela is great in such matters.
******
Be at peace with yourself
The lower your self-esteem, the easier you become a prey for manipulators. The more you have problems with yourself, the more you're vulnerable. If you think bad things about yourself, it’s easy for others to push those buttons. Only what you resonate with on some level can hurt you or have any power over you.
If for example you hate yourself for what you perceive as your laziness, then it’s very easy for a manipulator to insinuate that you would be lazy if you didn’t help them move on Saturday. You will go all defensive inside and resist this idea so much that you will probably help them. What?! Me, lazy? Not at all! Fuck. Now you need to prove, if only to yourself, that you're not lazy, or else you will hate yourself all weekend. And whoops, they got what they wanted. Easy, really.
Now if you are perfectly fine with being lazy, then if some bozo insinuates that you would be lazy if you didn’t help them move on Saturday… Yeah, so what? They have no power over you. You can freely choose what you want to do with your time. You can even tell them that you want to fully enjoy your grandiose laziness this weekend instead of helping them.
If you have no problem with the way you are at this time, nobody can use any of your self-perceived weaknesses to make you do what they want. When your attitude is “Yes! That’s how I am. So what?!”, manipulators have a hard time with you. So, accept yourself fully, as you are. I know this can be difficult, but if you succeed at it, you’re invulnerable!
Acceptance does not mean condoning or not changing anything. It simply means acknowledging what is, and accepting that you are in that place at this time. Doesn’t mean you cannot leave that place later.
******
Cultivate detachment
Keep in mind that you are not the roles that you play or the things that you identify with. You are not your relationship with your lover. You are not your job. You are not a good son or a loving parent. You are you. All those things don't define you.
A lot of fear and guilt stems from our identification with things that do not truly belong to us. If you strongly identify with your job or marriage, then you’ll be very afraid of losing them. If you strongly identify as your mother’s son or as a helpful friend, you’ll feel guilty when you don't behave accordingly. But if you recognize that you are not all that, it will be easier for you to let go of the fear or guilt.
You can never truly lose anything. We are all connected at all times. When things or people fade out of our life, you are still connected to them. And ten new things or people will show up in your reality instead. The Universe is infinitely abundant. All those things change nothing about who you are at your core anyway. You are at all time wonderful and whole. Whatever is, is, and is perfect. :-)
******
This set of beliefs and attitudes is all about disallowing others to have any power over you. When confronted to a manipulator, always remember that they do not truly have any power over you. They cannot possibly control you if you don't allow them.
What has power over you is your belief that your feelings are caused by the situation you are in instead of by yourself. What also has power over you are your own fears, guilt, self-hate or attachment to roles and things outside of you. Fortunately, all this does not have any real power over you either! Only as much as you give it.
You can choose to give your power away - or you can choose to claim it back. You are free. :-)
Anti-manipulation techniques are nothing without the right mindset. If the way you think gives others power over you, no technique will help you in the long run. To defend yourself against manipulators, it is very helpful to shift your mindset. This means adopting different beliefs and attitudes that do not allow anybody to control you.
Here is some internal stuff that will make you STRONG when confronted to manipulators. :-)
******
Take 100% responsibility for your feelings
You create your own feelings. What others do or say never causes your feelings directly. It just triggers them. What actually determines how you feel is your mindset: your beliefs, judgments and attitudes about the situation you are in.
Knowing this helps a lot in dealing with manipulators. When you think that others have the power to hurt you, you're helpless. Taking full responsibility for your feelings however gives you all your power back. Even if you're not able to control your feelings yet, even if some manipulator succeeds in triggering some unpleasant emotions in you, knowing that you are actually the one creating those feelings, and that you have the power to change that, will make you a lot stronger.
Then you will know that they do not truly have any power over you. Their power is an illusion that you can free yourself from. When a manipulator’s subtext makes you feel bad, remember that on some level you just chose to feel bad. You can just as well choose not to let them impress you. You do have this choice.
When you practice taking full responsibility for your feelings, you will get better at choosing how you want to feel. And then, manipulators really have no power over you anymore.
******
Screw guilt
If everybody is 100% responsible for their own feelings, this logically means that you are 0% responsible for other people's feelings. Other people create their own feelings. You can trigger them, but what they do with it is theirs to decide and has nothing to do with you.
Guilt is frequently used by manipulators to blackmail people. "If you don't do xyz, I will be sad." Well, too bad for them if they choose to feel sad! That's their problem, not yours.
Same with actions: you are NOT responsible for other people's actions. "If you don't do xyz, I will drink myself into a coma." Oh yeah? What they do with their life is their decision and none of your business.
In case you think that is heartless, I disagree. This is the most loving attitude I can think of. You don't do anybody a favor by taking the responsibility for their life away from them. Actually, it is highly disrespectful.
Don't feel guilty for other people's feelings or actions. Never. Also, don't feel guilty for your own decisions. Make clear and conscious choices according to your values, priorities and goals - and stand by them shamelessly. Guilt is a totally useless and draining feeling. Kick it out of your life.
******
Get rid of fear
Along with guilt, another emotion that manipulators love to use for their own benefit is fear. If you are scared of something, it’s very easy for someone else to gain power over you. They just need to trigger your fear. They just need to suggest very subtly that what you fear could come true if you don’t do what they want – and you do it.
Facing and transcending your fears will make you much less vulnerable to manipulators. If you’re not afraid of losing your job, your boss will have a hard time using firing you as a threat to make you work overtime. If you’re not afraid of getting dumped or being single, you are much less likely to be a doormat in your relationship. If you’re not afraid of being unattractive, you won’t feel compelled to buy all the beauty products commercials try to sell you. And so on.
Fear is powerful. It’s not easy to “just” face and transcend it. What you can do as a first step is to become aware of it. When fear shows up, acknowledge it, say hello to it, call it by its name, and then just observe it. If a manipulator plays on your fear of something in order to control you, alone being aware of what's going on will help you.
Keep in mind that you create your fear, just as any other feeling. You have the choice not to take it seriously and not to react to it.
******
Heal pain
I guess we all have some old pain hidden in an obscure closet in the cellar of our mind. Some manipulators are great at spotting such old pain and playing on this weakness to get what they want. For some people, being reminded of it is so extremely painful that they'd do anything just not to have this hot spot triggered. This makes them very, very vulnerable.
If you have such old pain in you, heal it. There are many methods. You can use EFT, talk about it with a psychotherapist, consult an energy healer, or work with a coach specialized in such issues. For example Angela is great in such matters.
******
Be at peace with yourself
The lower your self-esteem, the easier you become a prey for manipulators. The more you have problems with yourself, the more you're vulnerable. If you think bad things about yourself, it’s easy for others to push those buttons. Only what you resonate with on some level can hurt you or have any power over you.
If for example you hate yourself for what you perceive as your laziness, then it’s very easy for a manipulator to insinuate that you would be lazy if you didn’t help them move on Saturday. You will go all defensive inside and resist this idea so much that you will probably help them. What?! Me, lazy? Not at all! Fuck. Now you need to prove, if only to yourself, that you're not lazy, or else you will hate yourself all weekend. And whoops, they got what they wanted. Easy, really.
Now if you are perfectly fine with being lazy, then if some bozo insinuates that you would be lazy if you didn’t help them move on Saturday… Yeah, so what? They have no power over you. You can freely choose what you want to do with your time. You can even tell them that you want to fully enjoy your grandiose laziness this weekend instead of helping them.
If you have no problem with the way you are at this time, nobody can use any of your self-perceived weaknesses to make you do what they want. When your attitude is “Yes! That’s how I am. So what?!”, manipulators have a hard time with you. So, accept yourself fully, as you are. I know this can be difficult, but if you succeed at it, you’re invulnerable!
Acceptance does not mean condoning or not changing anything. It simply means acknowledging what is, and accepting that you are in that place at this time. Doesn’t mean you cannot leave that place later.
******
Cultivate detachment
Keep in mind that you are not the roles that you play or the things that you identify with. You are not your relationship with your lover. You are not your job. You are not a good son or a loving parent. You are you. All those things don't define you.
A lot of fear and guilt stems from our identification with things that do not truly belong to us. If you strongly identify with your job or marriage, then you’ll be very afraid of losing them. If you strongly identify as your mother’s son or as a helpful friend, you’ll feel guilty when you don't behave accordingly. But if you recognize that you are not all that, it will be easier for you to let go of the fear or guilt.
You can never truly lose anything. We are all connected at all times. When things or people fade out of our life, you are still connected to them. And ten new things or people will show up in your reality instead. The Universe is infinitely abundant. All those things change nothing about who you are at your core anyway. You are at all time wonderful and whole. Whatever is, is, and is perfect. :-)
******
This set of beliefs and attitudes is all about disallowing others to have any power over you. When confronted to a manipulator, always remember that they do not truly have any power over you. They cannot possibly control you if you don't allow them.
What has power over you is your belief that your feelings are caused by the situation you are in instead of by yourself. What also has power over you are your own fears, guilt, self-hate or attachment to roles and things outside of you. Fortunately, all this does not have any real power over you either! Only as much as you give it.
You can choose to give your power away - or you can choose to claim it back. You are free. :-)
viernes, 10 de julio de 2009
Are manipulators evil?
Manipulation, be it conscious or unconscious, is not evil. Conscious manipulation is a choice. Unconscious manipulation is a habit rooted in fear.
Conscious manipulation
Some people consciously choose to manipulate others in order to get what they want. Commercials for example manipulate us. "You will be such a cool guy and all chicks will dig you if you wear those pants", "You're not attractive if you smell like sweat, so you'd better use our deodorant if you want to get laid", and so on. They call it "to create a need". And then we gladly buy the product that will fulfill the need we wouldn't have had if they hadn't brainwashed us in the first place. Actually I find observing commercials fascinating.
Salespersons use the same kind of manipulative strategies, they even intentionally learn them. PUAs are another example. Many other people also use manipulation in a deliberate and conscious way to reach their goals, both privately and in their career.
These are choices I would not make. Using sneaky tactics to play on someone's weaknesses in order to control their feelings and behavior is aligned neither with love nor with integrity. No thanks. I am all for love, respect, and free choices for everybody. We are all one consciousness. What you do to someone else you do to yourself. What's the point in deceiving yourself?
That being said, in my book manipulation isn't evil. All choices are valid. Choosing not to be aligned with love and integrity is a valid choice as well. The word "evil" doesn't make any sense in my world. There's no good and evil, there's just different choices.
Unconscious manipulation
Most manipulators don't do it consciously. In my experience, they have been taught to use manipulation by their family and environment. As children we automatically imitate those around us. People who grew up in a manipulative environment naturally adopt this communication technique. It might not be aligned with certain values, but it's just a communication technique among many - and an efficient one.
Most manipulators simply have learned it works. They know they get what they want when they use it, so they just continue behaving this way without really being aware of what's going on. It's a mostly unconscious habit. If you told them that they are manipulators, they'd probably not agree.
Some of them just don't know how to get what they want in another way. They have never learned to express their wishes in a direct way. Or they were even actively discouraged to do so. Just saying what they want would seem rude, shameful or simply useless to them. They're not used to it. So they have to use more subtle tactics to reach their goals.
This is especially true for women. Sorry for the sexist comment. ;-) Maybe this is different for younger generations, but women my age and older generally are taught that expressing wishes in a bold and direct way is "not feminine". A very assertive behavior is usually better tolerated, or even admired, in men. But for a woman, clearly stating what she wants is rather obnoxious. Women are (were?) encouraged to express themselves in a more subtle, "feminine", "pretty" way. This is utter bullshit of course. Those stupid gender stereotypes just foster communication problems. As a result, another stupid gender stereotype is that women are manipulative! Isn't that ironic?
Another big reason for using manipulation is fear. Some people are afraid they would not get what they want if they just asked for it. So they use hidden tactics to minimize the risk of hearing no. If things don't pan out the way they want, they can just back off without losing face. In this case, manipulation is just a protection. It's a way of coping with their fear of rejection or fear of failure.
There's nothing evil about all this. Of course as conscious adults we are responsible for our behavior, no matter how we learned it or why we do it. But fear is powerful. Habits are powerful. It takes a lot of courage to overcome fear, and a lot of awareness to break deeply ingrained habits. Awareness and courage are what manipulators lack. That's not evil. You can call it cowardice - but they don't need your judgment. What you could give them is love and understanding instead. :-) Love is a powerful remedy for fear.
This doesn't mean that you should let them manipulate you though! My next post will be about how to defend yourself against their manipulative attempts.
Conscious manipulation
Some people consciously choose to manipulate others in order to get what they want. Commercials for example manipulate us. "You will be such a cool guy and all chicks will dig you if you wear those pants", "You're not attractive if you smell like sweat, so you'd better use our deodorant if you want to get laid", and so on. They call it "to create a need". And then we gladly buy the product that will fulfill the need we wouldn't have had if they hadn't brainwashed us in the first place. Actually I find observing commercials fascinating.
Salespersons use the same kind of manipulative strategies, they even intentionally learn them. PUAs are another example. Many other people also use manipulation in a deliberate and conscious way to reach their goals, both privately and in their career.
These are choices I would not make. Using sneaky tactics to play on someone's weaknesses in order to control their feelings and behavior is aligned neither with love nor with integrity. No thanks. I am all for love, respect, and free choices for everybody. We are all one consciousness. What you do to someone else you do to yourself. What's the point in deceiving yourself?
That being said, in my book manipulation isn't evil. All choices are valid. Choosing not to be aligned with love and integrity is a valid choice as well. The word "evil" doesn't make any sense in my world. There's no good and evil, there's just different choices.
Unconscious manipulation
Most manipulators don't do it consciously. In my experience, they have been taught to use manipulation by their family and environment. As children we automatically imitate those around us. People who grew up in a manipulative environment naturally adopt this communication technique. It might not be aligned with certain values, but it's just a communication technique among many - and an efficient one.
Most manipulators simply have learned it works. They know they get what they want when they use it, so they just continue behaving this way without really being aware of what's going on. It's a mostly unconscious habit. If you told them that they are manipulators, they'd probably not agree.
Some of them just don't know how to get what they want in another way. They have never learned to express their wishes in a direct way. Or they were even actively discouraged to do so. Just saying what they want would seem rude, shameful or simply useless to them. They're not used to it. So they have to use more subtle tactics to reach their goals.
This is especially true for women. Sorry for the sexist comment. ;-) Maybe this is different for younger generations, but women my age and older generally are taught that expressing wishes in a bold and direct way is "not feminine". A very assertive behavior is usually better tolerated, or even admired, in men. But for a woman, clearly stating what she wants is rather obnoxious. Women are (were?) encouraged to express themselves in a more subtle, "feminine", "pretty" way. This is utter bullshit of course. Those stupid gender stereotypes just foster communication problems. As a result, another stupid gender stereotype is that women are manipulative! Isn't that ironic?
Another big reason for using manipulation is fear. Some people are afraid they would not get what they want if they just asked for it. So they use hidden tactics to minimize the risk of hearing no. If things don't pan out the way they want, they can just back off without losing face. In this case, manipulation is just a protection. It's a way of coping with their fear of rejection or fear of failure.
There's nothing evil about all this. Of course as conscious adults we are responsible for our behavior, no matter how we learned it or why we do it. But fear is powerful. Habits are powerful. It takes a lot of courage to overcome fear, and a lot of awareness to break deeply ingrained habits. Awareness and courage are what manipulators lack. That's not evil. You can call it cowardice - but they don't need your judgment. What you could give them is love and understanding instead. :-) Love is a powerful remedy for fear.
This doesn't mean that you should let them manipulate you though! My next post will be about how to defend yourself against their manipulative attempts.
viernes, 3 de abril de 2009
Ending the War with my Body
I want peace in the world - but the world cannot be at peace as long as I am at war. Including at war with myself. What we are inside we also generate outside. There can be no peace in my reality as long as there is war in my consciousness.
For many years I've been at war with myself. I'm ending this war now.
"Be the change you want to see in the world." (Mahatma Gandhi)
I have several conflicts with myself. For example, sometimes I still have a hard time accepting that I am a scanner. I also have difficulties coping with my high sensitivity. It annoys me that I'm thirty and still don't know what I want to do when I am grown up. There are quite a lot of things that I reproach myself for.
One of my goals for 2009 is to resolve all of those conflicts, starting with the biggest one. The biggest conflict I have with myself is about my body. There are (were) so many things about my body that I don't (didn't) like! Most of all that I am "too fat".
So I have decided to end this war now, and to accept and love myself exactly the way I am and am not. I think the lesson for me in being overweight is to learn unconditional self-love. I'll be able to let go of that fat when I have grown to truly love what is, now.
Approach one: The Work
Loving what is is the title of a wonderful book by Byron Katie. I'm applying her approach to my body problem now: I'm doing The Work on it.
The Work is a very powerful process that you can use to address all kinds of negative emotions, no matter whether they are about people, situations or other issues like finding yourself too fat. I highly recommend The Work! It will set you free. How to do it is explained here.
I'm not done with it yet, there is so much to work on! But since I started to do The Work to befriend my body, I'm already feeling much better.
I had an interesting dream. In my dream I was going around completely naked, and I was feeling perfectly comfortable this way. I didn't have an ideal body or anything like that, it was my real body, with fat and all. I was not even shaved! Yet it felt great and natural to be naked. At first the people I was talking to were a little embarrassed, but soon they too got comfortable with seeing me this way and talked with me as if everything were normal. In the end, everybody was fine with my being naked!
I think this was a very cool dream.
I can feel that I am slowly falling in love with my body at the moment. For example when I look at the stretchmarks on my hips, instead of resenting them for being there, like I did before, now I look at them with love and I'm damn proud of my great battle scars.
I especially love my legs! Actually I can't stop looking at them anymore. I've always disliked my legs, because they are not only covered with a layer of fat, they're also quite muscular. I like to say that I have legs like a soccer player. And I used to beat myself up for that. "This looks awful with a short skirt and high-heels! It's not feminine!" Blah blah blah. While doing The Work I suddenly realized: "Hey! Wait a minute! I never wear short skirts and high-heels in the first place! I dream of being a muscle beast. And I resent my legs for being muscular? How illogical is that!!"
"You will always suffer when your mind wants two opposing things at once." (Byron Katie)
I cannot be a muscle beast and have legs like a petite girlie. That's just not possible, I need to make a choice. This choice is a no-brainer for me! I don't care about being feminine, but I do care a lot about being strong.
So now I totally love my soccer player legs. And everything else as well. I just love my body! I can't touch it and look at it enough, I'm amazed at how fantastic it is!
You have no idea how wonderful a feeling it is to be allowed to love my body at last. What a relief.
Approach two: taking action
I'm asking myself "How would I feel, and how would I behave, if I were perfectly fine with my body as it is now?". That's actually a part of The Work ("How would you feel and behave if you didn't have this thought?"), but I extended it a bit for myself. The Work is meditation. But I'm going to actually do those things.
I made a list of things I would do if my body were a non-issue for me, and now I'm going to do them regardless! Ha! Good way to overcome my fears and to build courage.
One of those things is to post pictures on my blog. I found out that if I didn't have any problem with my body, I would post way more pictures on my blog. Oddly enough, not only pictures of myself. I would also post other pictures unrelated to me. I don't know why feeling bad about my body prevented me from posting pictures of landscapes and stuff, but that's the case. So, expect to see more pictures on here from now on.
I'm also considering learning how to strip-tease. Just for fun, as a way of getting more comfortable with my body, with being seen naked, and with feeling sexually attractive.
I tend to feel anxious when a man finds me attractive. I'm confident about my sexual skills, so once in bed everything's fine. The problem is the fear of being sexually attractive when I'm not having sex, if this makes sense.
I don't know exactly why I feel this way, but asking why is not an empowering question anyway. I'd rather ask myself what I can do about it. Maybe learning to strip-tease could be one possible solution. It would be a fun thing to try out anyway.
What about you?
Do you love your body unconditionally, as it is right now?
What are you being at war with yourself about?
What can you do right now to make peace with yourself?
What are you generating in your reality? Peace, or War?
Much Love to you. I wish you a wonderful day!
For many years I've been at war with myself. I'm ending this war now.
"Be the change you want to see in the world." (Mahatma Gandhi)
I have several conflicts with myself. For example, sometimes I still have a hard time accepting that I am a scanner. I also have difficulties coping with my high sensitivity. It annoys me that I'm thirty and still don't know what I want to do when I am grown up. There are quite a lot of things that I reproach myself for.
One of my goals for 2009 is to resolve all of those conflicts, starting with the biggest one. The biggest conflict I have with myself is about my body. There are (were) so many things about my body that I don't (didn't) like! Most of all that I am "too fat".
So I have decided to end this war now, and to accept and love myself exactly the way I am and am not. I think the lesson for me in being overweight is to learn unconditional self-love. I'll be able to let go of that fat when I have grown to truly love what is, now.
Approach one: The Work
Loving what is is the title of a wonderful book by Byron Katie. I'm applying her approach to my body problem now: I'm doing The Work on it.
The Work is a very powerful process that you can use to address all kinds of negative emotions, no matter whether they are about people, situations or other issues like finding yourself too fat. I highly recommend The Work! It will set you free. How to do it is explained here.
I'm not done with it yet, there is so much to work on! But since I started to do The Work to befriend my body, I'm already feeling much better.
I had an interesting dream. In my dream I was going around completely naked, and I was feeling perfectly comfortable this way. I didn't have an ideal body or anything like that, it was my real body, with fat and all. I was not even shaved! Yet it felt great and natural to be naked. At first the people I was talking to were a little embarrassed, but soon they too got comfortable with seeing me this way and talked with me as if everything were normal. In the end, everybody was fine with my being naked!
I think this was a very cool dream.
I can feel that I am slowly falling in love with my body at the moment. For example when I look at the stretchmarks on my hips, instead of resenting them for being there, like I did before, now I look at them with love and I'm damn proud of my great battle scars.
I especially love my legs! Actually I can't stop looking at them anymore. I've always disliked my legs, because they are not only covered with a layer of fat, they're also quite muscular. I like to say that I have legs like a soccer player. And I used to beat myself up for that. "This looks awful with a short skirt and high-heels! It's not feminine!" Blah blah blah. While doing The Work I suddenly realized: "Hey! Wait a minute! I never wear short skirts and high-heels in the first place! I dream of being a muscle beast. And I resent my legs for being muscular? How illogical is that!!"
"You will always suffer when your mind wants two opposing things at once." (Byron Katie)
I cannot be a muscle beast and have legs like a petite girlie. That's just not possible, I need to make a choice. This choice is a no-brainer for me! I don't care about being feminine, but I do care a lot about being strong.
So now I totally love my soccer player legs. And everything else as well. I just love my body! I can't touch it and look at it enough, I'm amazed at how fantastic it is!
You have no idea how wonderful a feeling it is to be allowed to love my body at last. What a relief.
Approach two: taking action
I'm asking myself "How would I feel, and how would I behave, if I were perfectly fine with my body as it is now?". That's actually a part of The Work ("How would you feel and behave if you didn't have this thought?"), but I extended it a bit for myself. The Work is meditation. But I'm going to actually do those things.
I made a list of things I would do if my body were a non-issue for me, and now I'm going to do them regardless! Ha! Good way to overcome my fears and to build courage.
One of those things is to post pictures on my blog. I found out that if I didn't have any problem with my body, I would post way more pictures on my blog. Oddly enough, not only pictures of myself. I would also post other pictures unrelated to me. I don't know why feeling bad about my body prevented me from posting pictures of landscapes and stuff, but that's the case. So, expect to see more pictures on here from now on.
I'm also considering learning how to strip-tease. Just for fun, as a way of getting more comfortable with my body, with being seen naked, and with feeling sexually attractive.
I tend to feel anxious when a man finds me attractive. I'm confident about my sexual skills, so once in bed everything's fine. The problem is the fear of being sexually attractive when I'm not having sex, if this makes sense.
I don't know exactly why I feel this way, but asking why is not an empowering question anyway. I'd rather ask myself what I can do about it. Maybe learning to strip-tease could be one possible solution. It would be a fun thing to try out anyway.
What about you?
Do you love your body unconditionally, as it is right now?
What are you being at war with yourself about?
What can you do right now to make peace with yourself?
What are you generating in your reality? Peace, or War?
Much Love to you. I wish you a wonderful day!
lunes, 1 de diciembre de 2008
Do You Love Killers?
Hi all,
I was asked a couple wonderful questions! In my previous post I wrote that for me, there are no strangers, because I believe that we are all one Consciousness, and all permanently connected with each other.
Question: When you have the belief that "Everyone is my friend, there are no strangers", what about people you don't like?
My take on this:
There are people I don't like. When I'm being honest, I realize it has nothing to do with them, and everything to do with me. I don't like them
because I'm judging them or part of them in some way
or because I see in them something I don't like about myself (again, because I'm judging myself or part of myself for that)
or because I'm scared of them in some way (and this too is a consequence of judging either them or the situation)
Basically, it's always about judging, them or myself, with or without fear as a consequence.
My answer to this is present moment awareness. When I'm judging, it means I'm not being present. When you're being present, you cannot possibly judge. To judge, you need to label things. You need to give them a name, a value, a "good" or "bad" tag, to think of consequences they might have in the future or in the past, and so on. It's impossible to do this when you're being totally focused on here and now.
Therefore, a high present moment awareness means no judging, and no judging means I can't dislike anyone, because I dislike people on the basis of some judgment. So when I notice that I don't like someone, putting myself immediately back into a state of presence solves the problem.
What also helps is to ask myself what it is exactly that disturbs me about the person I don't like. If it's fear, I face that fear and shine Love on it. If I'm judging them or seeing in them something that I judge myself for, I practice Acceptance. I remind myself of the fact that there is no right and wrong, that all choices are valid and that everything is perfect the way it is.
I also work on loving all that is unconditionally. Since we are all One, all manifestations of one Consciousness, those I don't like are aspects of this Consciousness: parts of myself. It doesn't make sense to hate some parts of myself and to reject them because they're not as I want them to be. This would only create disharmony, separation and fear, and harm the whole system.
Instead, I practice loving all of myself unconditionally, both internally and externally as other people and the world around me. I especially send Love to those I don't like. I think accepting and loving them instead of resisting them has a healing effect, on me, on them, on the world.
I see not liking someone as disconnecting. When I'm being fully present and connected, I love everybody. My goal is to make this my permanent way of being. I'm not there yet but on my way. I'm convinced that if everybody were fully present and connected all the time, there would be no such thing on this planet as not liking someone.
Question: What about people you've met and decided you don't want to associate with them for one reason or another? Do you still feel they are your friend, or does that belief "Every stranger is my friend" holds true until you've gotten to know the stranger and decided that stranger is not someone you want to be friends with?
My take on this:
It happens that I decide, for some reason, not to associate or not to spend much time with someone. However, this doesn't mean I don't love them. Loving someone does not mean that I have to spend a lot of time with them, it does not even mean that I have to communicate with them at all.
There are people I love dearly, but have decided not to meet again. There are people who have chosen to leave my life. There are people I'm simply not interested in spending time with for some reason. I love all of those people though and feel one with them. I send Love to them. Just because we can't be together in this lifetime doesn't mean I have to disconnect from them! Why on earth would I??
Choosing not to associate with someone is no personal attack, it's no rejection either. It's a time-management choice. You can make this choice from a place of Love and still feel loving and connected towards those you don't spend time with.
Question: Even with killers and toxic people?
My take on this:
Toxic people are never toxic because of what they are, they're toxic because of what you are. Only what resonates with you on some level can affect you. So if someone influences you negatively, drains your energy, makes you feel bad, etc, then their "toxic" part resonates with something inside of you in some way. If one person's toxicity totally does not resonate with you, you won't be affected by it. When you become so strong that you don't resonate with some person's toxicity, then this person is not toxic to you anymore. No matter how negative she is, it won't affect you.
Which means that toxic persons are wonderful opportunities to grow. Solution: check what, inside of you, resonates with this person's negativity and work on yourself. If you don't feel strong enough to spend time with this person while simulatneously trying to change yourself, because contact with this person would reinforce the part of you that resonates with their toxicity, then you can of course choose to temporarily not associate with them. But that's not a reason to disconnect.
Same with killers. If you think it's better for your personal security not to meet a sadistic serial killer in person, don't. As I said above, loving someone does not mean you have to spend time with them. I can see no reason to disconnect though. Protecting yourself does not require that you reject others and disconnect from them.
There's a big difference between disconnecting from someone, saying "You are someone else. I don't love you, you're not my friend, go away", which is turning your back to Love and negating that we are all one, thus fragmenting yourself - and simply choosing not to concretely spend time with someone, while still loving them and feeling deeply connected with them.
Everybody is lovable, no matter what they do. There's absolutely no reason not to love everybody. Why would you turn your back on a part of the Universe and disconnect from it?
One reason I can see is judgment. You see "them" as separate from "you" and want to punish them for doing something you think is "bad" or "wrong", like killing or draining you. That's your mind judging them. When you're being present, such a thing doesn't happen.
That's how I see it. What do you think? :-)
I was asked a couple wonderful questions! In my previous post I wrote that for me, there are no strangers, because I believe that we are all one Consciousness, and all permanently connected with each other.
Question: When you have the belief that "Everyone is my friend, there are no strangers", what about people you don't like?
My take on this:
There are people I don't like. When I'm being honest, I realize it has nothing to do with them, and everything to do with me. I don't like them
because I'm judging them or part of them in some way
or because I see in them something I don't like about myself (again, because I'm judging myself or part of myself for that)
or because I'm scared of them in some way (and this too is a consequence of judging either them or the situation)
Basically, it's always about judging, them or myself, with or without fear as a consequence.
My answer to this is present moment awareness. When I'm judging, it means I'm not being present. When you're being present, you cannot possibly judge. To judge, you need to label things. You need to give them a name, a value, a "good" or "bad" tag, to think of consequences they might have in the future or in the past, and so on. It's impossible to do this when you're being totally focused on here and now.
Therefore, a high present moment awareness means no judging, and no judging means I can't dislike anyone, because I dislike people on the basis of some judgment. So when I notice that I don't like someone, putting myself immediately back into a state of presence solves the problem.
What also helps is to ask myself what it is exactly that disturbs me about the person I don't like. If it's fear, I face that fear and shine Love on it. If I'm judging them or seeing in them something that I judge myself for, I practice Acceptance. I remind myself of the fact that there is no right and wrong, that all choices are valid and that everything is perfect the way it is.
I also work on loving all that is unconditionally. Since we are all One, all manifestations of one Consciousness, those I don't like are aspects of this Consciousness: parts of myself. It doesn't make sense to hate some parts of myself and to reject them because they're not as I want them to be. This would only create disharmony, separation and fear, and harm the whole system.
Instead, I practice loving all of myself unconditionally, both internally and externally as other people and the world around me. I especially send Love to those I don't like. I think accepting and loving them instead of resisting them has a healing effect, on me, on them, on the world.
I see not liking someone as disconnecting. When I'm being fully present and connected, I love everybody. My goal is to make this my permanent way of being. I'm not there yet but on my way. I'm convinced that if everybody were fully present and connected all the time, there would be no such thing on this planet as not liking someone.
Question: What about people you've met and decided you don't want to associate with them for one reason or another? Do you still feel they are your friend, or does that belief "Every stranger is my friend" holds true until you've gotten to know the stranger and decided that stranger is not someone you want to be friends with?
My take on this:
It happens that I decide, for some reason, not to associate or not to spend much time with someone. However, this doesn't mean I don't love them. Loving someone does not mean that I have to spend a lot of time with them, it does not even mean that I have to communicate with them at all.
There are people I love dearly, but have decided not to meet again. There are people who have chosen to leave my life. There are people I'm simply not interested in spending time with for some reason. I love all of those people though and feel one with them. I send Love to them. Just because we can't be together in this lifetime doesn't mean I have to disconnect from them! Why on earth would I??
Choosing not to associate with someone is no personal attack, it's no rejection either. It's a time-management choice. You can make this choice from a place of Love and still feel loving and connected towards those you don't spend time with.
Question: Even with killers and toxic people?
My take on this:
Toxic people are never toxic because of what they are, they're toxic because of what you are. Only what resonates with you on some level can affect you. So if someone influences you negatively, drains your energy, makes you feel bad, etc, then their "toxic" part resonates with something inside of you in some way. If one person's toxicity totally does not resonate with you, you won't be affected by it. When you become so strong that you don't resonate with some person's toxicity, then this person is not toxic to you anymore. No matter how negative she is, it won't affect you.
Which means that toxic persons are wonderful opportunities to grow. Solution: check what, inside of you, resonates with this person's negativity and work on yourself. If you don't feel strong enough to spend time with this person while simulatneously trying to change yourself, because contact with this person would reinforce the part of you that resonates with their toxicity, then you can of course choose to temporarily not associate with them. But that's not a reason to disconnect.
Same with killers. If you think it's better for your personal security not to meet a sadistic serial killer in person, don't. As I said above, loving someone does not mean you have to spend time with them. I can see no reason to disconnect though. Protecting yourself does not require that you reject others and disconnect from them.
There's a big difference between disconnecting from someone, saying "You are someone else. I don't love you, you're not my friend, go away", which is turning your back to Love and negating that we are all one, thus fragmenting yourself - and simply choosing not to concretely spend time with someone, while still loving them and feeling deeply connected with them.
Everybody is lovable, no matter what they do. There's absolutely no reason not to love everybody. Why would you turn your back on a part of the Universe and disconnect from it?
One reason I can see is judgment. You see "them" as separate from "you" and want to punish them for doing something you think is "bad" or "wrong", like killing or draining you. That's your mind judging them. When you're being present, such a thing doesn't happen.
That's how I see it. What do you think? :-)
viernes, 31 de octubre de 2008
Meeting an Exhibitionist
Something awesome happened tonight!
I've been going through a big crisis these last few weeks. First, my son died. That's a cat. I found him on the street when he was a little baby and brought him up. As some of you may know, I love animals as much as humans, and I was devastated by his death. He's the first loved one I lost, I'm still deeply grieving. Then, I got dumped. Or at least I suppose so, because the guy I thought was the absolute man of my life suddenly just disappeared without any explanation. I don't even know if he's still alive. I guess he is and simply lacked the courage to tell me the truth. Nevertheless, I've been worried, angry, and of course terribly sad. After that, a second cat family member died! I had known her for 24 years, which is almost my entire life. And last but not least, reading Personal Development for Smart People by Steve Pavlina made me realize that most of the goals I had till now were in fact disempowering goals. I'll write a review of the book later, let's just say for now that I suddenly lost what was keeping me going despite of the grief and pain I was feeling.
Needless to say, my mood hasn't been exactly excellent lately!
Tonight I was feeling particularly grumpy and awful. I couldn't sleep, so I decided to go for a walk, and to withdraw some money at the nearest ATM to buy a big bunch of bananas tomorrow morning for breakfast. On my way to the bank, I saw a guy on the street with his penis in his hand. He said "Oh, sorry!" and hid it. He then asked if he could drive me home as a way of apologizing for his indiscretion. I wasn't really present, for I was busy imagining the horrible things I would do to the alleged man of my life if I had him in front of me now, so I did not really pay attention to this guy. I said "No, thanks" and walked away.
On my way back from the bank, he still was at the same place, this time with his pants completely off! He immediately got dressed and apologized. "I'm sorry, I didn't think you'd come back. I'm going to some other place now, to make sure you won't see me again." I found it odd to meet an exhibitionist who's sorry I saw him! So I laughed and told him "Oh, you can stay where you were, I won't come back, I promise!" "ok, one last time then" he said, and demonstratively showed me his (quite impressive) manly attributes. I couldn't help but grin, but deep down I was still feeling grumpy and wanted nothing but go home. When he added "You have very big boobs" I asked him in a not-so-nice way to leave me alone.
But then I suddenly felt bad. I didn't feel guilty for rejecting him, but it suddenly dawned on me how disconnected I had been feeling lately. I was just seeing this guy as an annoyance, something foreign to me intruding in my life without being planned. I was upset at him for disturbing my thoughts and talking to me, and I judged him for behaving strangely in my eyes, for being so different. Separated from me. Someone else. And a weird one for that matter! Bleh.
I realized how disconnected I was! And said to myself "Hey girl, no pain in the World is worth disconnecting from others in such a way." So I turned to him, ready to see him as a valuable human being, a part of me, a spirit. Some people are fond of talking to spirits, but we shouldn't forget that every person we meet on the street is a spirit, too. There are spirits everywhere! I find incarnated spirits very interesting too, not only those without a body. Sometimes I walk down the street, amazed at all those spirits I meet. "Oh wow, he's a spirit! A spirit just said hello to me! Damn cool. And she's one as well. Incredible!" There's so much BEAUTY in people when you can see the spirit in them.
Fortunately I was able to remember in time that this guy is a manifestation of Consciousness just like me. He's me. I am him. I forgot about my judgmental mood and became present to this person here and now. And it was a great idea, I learned a lot.
First I asked him many questions about being an exhibitionist. I was curious about it of course. I asked him how long he had been doing it, how it began, why he does it, how he feels when he does such things... It was very interesting to hear his take on this. As I understood it, the idea that he could possibly be seen gives him a particular kick, he supposes it's adrenaline. I asked him a lot of questions, trying to understand him, and he answered them all very honestly. I was able to get what he explained on an intellectual level, but I admit that I cannot really understand why he likes it so much, probably because the idea of showing myself naked on the street just doesn't do much for me. I guess I'd need to do it myself once to know how it is.
I discovered a very kind and respectful person. He intentionally kept a lot of physical distance between us in order not to make me feel uncomfortable. I found his attitude towards his exhibitionism to be conscious, thoughtful and responsible. For example, he explained to me that he normally never shows up naked in front of women walking alone on the street, because this could scare them. He only does it with people in cars or in groups, because those feel safe. That's why he apologized so much when I saw him: it was an accident. He couldn't know I'm not scared by such things.
We spent three or four hours together, walking through the city, laughing and talking about all kinds of topics, such as pets, parachute jumping, personal development, the raw food diet, motorbikes, or the best way to commit suicide. During all this time, he had his genitals out of his pants, but I barely noticed because it was so natural for him. Around five in the morning I got really tired. He walked me home and we said goodbye. That's the only moment he came across a little shy. We thanked each other and said both that we had a very nice time.
It's only once I was back home that I realized how much this guy helped me tonight. Now I'm feeling loving and connected again. I'm able to see others as parts of me again. I feel closely connected to all other beings on earth, and I can see how the way I feel influences all others. I also have this fuzzy warm feeling in my chest, as if my heart was very big. I can feel Love flowing through me. I feel that I am enormous, big enough to contain the whole Universe. I am everything that is. This is such a beautiful feeling! I'm so infinitely thankful to this guy for giving me this feeling back. I had lost it lately, without even noticing.
Now I regret that I forgot to part with a handshake and to ask what his name is when we said goodbye. I hope I'll see him again on some other late night walk.
My point with this story is that when you're in a state of disconnectedness, meeting an exhibitionist on the street - or more generally someone whose behavior you don't intuitively understand - can be a quite annoying experience. And if you're more prone to get scared than I am, even a frightening one. Which leads to even greater disconnectedness, because you'll feel offended or grossed out, and you'll close off. But when you're being aligned with Oneness, such an encounter can result in discovering an interesting person, in gaining some new insights, or in experiencing connection and closeness with someone you thought was very different from you at first. Building such a bridge is a wonderful blessing :-)
I've been going through a big crisis these last few weeks. First, my son died. That's a cat. I found him on the street when he was a little baby and brought him up. As some of you may know, I love animals as much as humans, and I was devastated by his death. He's the first loved one I lost, I'm still deeply grieving. Then, I got dumped. Or at least I suppose so, because the guy I thought was the absolute man of my life suddenly just disappeared without any explanation. I don't even know if he's still alive. I guess he is and simply lacked the courage to tell me the truth. Nevertheless, I've been worried, angry, and of course terribly sad. After that, a second cat family member died! I had known her for 24 years, which is almost my entire life. And last but not least, reading Personal Development for Smart People by Steve Pavlina made me realize that most of the goals I had till now were in fact disempowering goals. I'll write a review of the book later, let's just say for now that I suddenly lost what was keeping me going despite of the grief and pain I was feeling.
Needless to say, my mood hasn't been exactly excellent lately!
Tonight I was feeling particularly grumpy and awful. I couldn't sleep, so I decided to go for a walk, and to withdraw some money at the nearest ATM to buy a big bunch of bananas tomorrow morning for breakfast. On my way to the bank, I saw a guy on the street with his penis in his hand. He said "Oh, sorry!" and hid it. He then asked if he could drive me home as a way of apologizing for his indiscretion. I wasn't really present, for I was busy imagining the horrible things I would do to the alleged man of my life if I had him in front of me now, so I did not really pay attention to this guy. I said "No, thanks" and walked away.
On my way back from the bank, he still was at the same place, this time with his pants completely off! He immediately got dressed and apologized. "I'm sorry, I didn't think you'd come back. I'm going to some other place now, to make sure you won't see me again." I found it odd to meet an exhibitionist who's sorry I saw him! So I laughed and told him "Oh, you can stay where you were, I won't come back, I promise!" "ok, one last time then" he said, and demonstratively showed me his (quite impressive) manly attributes. I couldn't help but grin, but deep down I was still feeling grumpy and wanted nothing but go home. When he added "You have very big boobs" I asked him in a not-so-nice way to leave me alone.
But then I suddenly felt bad. I didn't feel guilty for rejecting him, but it suddenly dawned on me how disconnected I had been feeling lately. I was just seeing this guy as an annoyance, something foreign to me intruding in my life without being planned. I was upset at him for disturbing my thoughts and talking to me, and I judged him for behaving strangely in my eyes, for being so different. Separated from me. Someone else. And a weird one for that matter! Bleh.
I realized how disconnected I was! And said to myself "Hey girl, no pain in the World is worth disconnecting from others in such a way." So I turned to him, ready to see him as a valuable human being, a part of me, a spirit. Some people are fond of talking to spirits, but we shouldn't forget that every person we meet on the street is a spirit, too. There are spirits everywhere! I find incarnated spirits very interesting too, not only those without a body. Sometimes I walk down the street, amazed at all those spirits I meet. "Oh wow, he's a spirit! A spirit just said hello to me! Damn cool. And she's one as well. Incredible!" There's so much BEAUTY in people when you can see the spirit in them.
Fortunately I was able to remember in time that this guy is a manifestation of Consciousness just like me. He's me. I am him. I forgot about my judgmental mood and became present to this person here and now. And it was a great idea, I learned a lot.
First I asked him many questions about being an exhibitionist. I was curious about it of course. I asked him how long he had been doing it, how it began, why he does it, how he feels when he does such things... It was very interesting to hear his take on this. As I understood it, the idea that he could possibly be seen gives him a particular kick, he supposes it's adrenaline. I asked him a lot of questions, trying to understand him, and he answered them all very honestly. I was able to get what he explained on an intellectual level, but I admit that I cannot really understand why he likes it so much, probably because the idea of showing myself naked on the street just doesn't do much for me. I guess I'd need to do it myself once to know how it is.
I discovered a very kind and respectful person. He intentionally kept a lot of physical distance between us in order not to make me feel uncomfortable. I found his attitude towards his exhibitionism to be conscious, thoughtful and responsible. For example, he explained to me that he normally never shows up naked in front of women walking alone on the street, because this could scare them. He only does it with people in cars or in groups, because those feel safe. That's why he apologized so much when I saw him: it was an accident. He couldn't know I'm not scared by such things.
We spent three or four hours together, walking through the city, laughing and talking about all kinds of topics, such as pets, parachute jumping, personal development, the raw food diet, motorbikes, or the best way to commit suicide. During all this time, he had his genitals out of his pants, but I barely noticed because it was so natural for him. Around five in the morning I got really tired. He walked me home and we said goodbye. That's the only moment he came across a little shy. We thanked each other and said both that we had a very nice time.
It's only once I was back home that I realized how much this guy helped me tonight. Now I'm feeling loving and connected again. I'm able to see others as parts of me again. I feel closely connected to all other beings on earth, and I can see how the way I feel influences all others. I also have this fuzzy warm feeling in my chest, as if my heart was very big. I can feel Love flowing through me. I feel that I am enormous, big enough to contain the whole Universe. I am everything that is. This is such a beautiful feeling! I'm so infinitely thankful to this guy for giving me this feeling back. I had lost it lately, without even noticing.
Now I regret that I forgot to part with a handshake and to ask what his name is when we said goodbye. I hope I'll see him again on some other late night walk.
My point with this story is that when you're in a state of disconnectedness, meeting an exhibitionist on the street - or more generally someone whose behavior you don't intuitively understand - can be a quite annoying experience. And if you're more prone to get scared than I am, even a frightening one. Which leads to even greater disconnectedness, because you'll feel offended or grossed out, and you'll close off. But when you're being aligned with Oneness, such an encounter can result in discovering an interesting person, in gaining some new insights, or in experiencing connection and closeness with someone you thought was very different from you at first. Building such a bridge is a wonderful blessing :-)
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