What if the person you recognized as a manipulator is yourself? Don't beat yourself up, manipulators are not evil. If you would like to use more straightforward ways of communicating and getting what you want, here are a few tips for you.
Be Clear on What you Want
People who manipulate others usually use this technique because they want something. What is it that you want?
Define exactly what you want and say it out loud and clear.
Give yourself permission to want what you want. Your wishes and desires are legitimate and perfectly okay. Stand by them.
Sometimes, we want things from others when the person we actually should get them from is ourselves. I'm thinking especially of feelings like love, power, security or self-worth. These are available to us at all times by choice. What others give us can never replace what we are not getting from ourselves. In this case, we must find ways to connect with these energies on our own, instead of focusing on others.
Now if it is something we really want from someone else, then we'll have to ask for it.
Acknowledge your Fears
What pushes people to manipulate often is fear, especially fear of being rejected or not getting what they want if they openly asked for it. Asking for something can be scary.
What exactly are you afraid of?
If you asked, what is the very worst that could happen? And what would that mean about you?
I bet even the worst case is something you would survive, and chances are that the bad things it would mean about you exist only in your head. You are free to pick your beliefs. Maybe it is time to change your mindset, or to work on your fear of rejection or on your self-worth. There are also effective tools available to you to help you cope with your fear.
If nothing helps, feel the fear and do it anyway.
Ask for What you Want Openly
Ask for what you want. Be clear and direct. Stay polite of course, but don't sugarcoat it and don't beat around the bush. You can briefly explain why you want what you want, but do NOT
apologize
justify
put yourself down
flatter
It's perfectly natural and legitimate to ask for what you want, so act accordingly.
Women, forget about lady-like postures and submissive behaviors. Plant your two feet solidly into the ground, carrying your weight equally. Keep your back straight, head up and shoulders back. Look the other person straight into the eyes. Say what you want. It's your right.
Be Willing to Hear No
When someone says no to you, this decision is not directed against you. It's just a choice that they make about the thing you were asking for. Other people's choices don't say anything about your worth as a person. Don't take a no personally.
Your desires are legitimate, and it's your right to ask for what you want. It's also legitimate of the other person to set boundaries and their right to say no. Accept it.
If you have a problem with that, find ways to deal with your emotions and examine your beliefs. What does it mean about you if they say no? What about it hurts you? Learn to become invulnerable.
Detach from Other Manipulators
If you spot other manipulators around you, detach from them temporarily. Their communication patterns reinforce your old ones. It's smarter to surround yourself with very direct people for a while. You'll learn a lot just by talking with them.
Learning how to defend yourself against manipulation would be useful too.
You are loved. :-)
Mostrando entradas con la etiqueta manipulation. Mostrar todas las entradas
Mostrando entradas con la etiqueta manipulation. Mostrar todas las entradas
sábado, 20 de marzo de 2010
lunes, 19 de octubre de 2009
How To Defend Yourself Against Manipulators
Want to be able to defend yourself against manipulators? Here is what my experience has taught me about this topic.
Develop Awareness
To defend yourself against manipulators, you first need to recognize them as such. It can be very difficult to notice manipulation, as it is usually subtle. This is especially true for those who grew up in an abusive environment or surrounded by manipulative people. They're so used to it that they don't even realize this is not as it should be.
Here are some tips on recognizing manipulators.
At first, don't try to defend yourself yet. Just observe what they're telling you, verbally and non-verbally. Identify the subtext. Get clear about what's really going on, both inside of you and between you and the manipulator.
Once you have a clear awareness of the situation, you can act.
Gain Distance
Remember that manipulation is often unconscious and sometimes a way of coping with some problem, for example diverse fears. Even when it is conscious, it's just a choice that someone else makes. Other people's choices have nothing to do with you as a person.
I know that being manipulated is a pain in the ass, especially when they try to make you feel bad in order to control you - just remember that this is not really about you personally. Their goal is to get something, but it is not to harm you. You're collateral damage. So, don't take it personally.
Disengage
Manipulators are the kind of smelly orcs that can make your social life tedious and foul. If it's a spouse, family member, coworker, or any other person that you are not ready or willing to let go of, you'll have to learn how to deal with them. If you can avoid them, though, just say bye. In my experience this is way more efficient.
However, you cannot spend your time running away from manipulators. You need to work on your mindset anyway. If you attracted them once, chances are good that you have some holes in your armor. Those holes will attract more of them, no matter how far away you flee. So, avoid them - and invest the time and energy that you save by avoiding them in working on yourself.
Improve Mindset
The more you're powerful in your head, the more you become immune against manipulators. Your mindset is key. I cannot stress enough how important that is. So, if you want to defend yourself against manipulators, absolutely work on that. Here are some tips on how to build a healthy anti-manipulation mindset.
Learn Techniques
Optionally, you can learn anti-manipulation techniques. If your mindset is strong, you won't really need them, but when you're just starting and still insecure, they can be very useful. Especially the translator method helped me a lot in the past. I highly recommend it.
Ideally, practice them first with a trusted friend, outside of real manipulative situations. Do some role playing, one playing the manipulator, the other one the technique user. Try out different techniques and different scenarios. Then switch roles. This way, when it really happens, you'll be prepared and have a knee-jerk reaction.
Talk Straight
Way more than techniques, what I recommend is to step completely out of the subtle manipulation game and to play with open cards. Be direct. Remember that manipulators always want something. So, when you spot one, ask them "What is it that you want?".
You can also ask them "How do you feel about this situation?". And, remembering that manipulators often use manipulation out of fear, you can ask "What is it that you are afraid of?".
You can see manipulators as enemies out to get you, abuse you and control you, and hit back. But this creates separation. You can also choose oneness and compassion. The manipulation itself is just their way of expressing themselves. Instead of getting hung up on it, you can go directly to the meat of the matter by asking them what exactly they want.
Give them an opportunity to express themselves openly in a safe environment. Often they simply have never learned that. Listen to them. You can also explain what exactly you want and try together to find a solution that makes both happy.
If they realize that their expressing their wishes directly is taken seriously, welcomed in a non-judgmental way and actually brings good results, it will be much easier for them to let go of manipulation as a way of getting what they want.
Take care to stay focused on finding a solution though. Listening doesn't mean playing psychotherapist or giving them lots of energy by listening and listening and listening! This would be too draining for you.
Keep Going
Take your time, observe, prepare yourself... but once you've started defending yourself, be consistent. Mixed messages teach others to continue with their abusive behavior. So, don't oscillate between standing your ground and falling back into victimizing yourself. That's not healthy. Whether you use anti-manipulation techniques or just talk straight with them, continue with it in a consistent way until they don't try to manipulate you anymore.
When you suddenly start defending yourself, at first they'll try harder than ever! So, be prepared for an increased fire. But at some point, sooner or later, they will realize that it just doesn't work this way anymore, and give up.
They will let go of their manipulative behaviors and learn other ways to communicate what they want, and the relationship will become a good bit healthier. If they're not able or willing to do that, the relationship will probably break.
Leave
In case really nothing helps, and no matter how open you are to straightforward and honest communication, no matter how consistently you block their manipulation, they just keep doing it... Or even respond by creating lots of drama... Leave.
I know this can be very difficult, but your first duty in this life is to take care of yourself.
Some people are just not able, ready, or willing to stop manipulating others. Some are just too blocked in their own personal development. It's not your job to compensate for that. In the long run, you're not doing them a favor by accepting their behavior.
There are also people who have an unconscious and compulsive need to create negativity in others in order to feed off it. These people will never stop with their abusive ways. Run.
Good luck! :-)
Develop Awareness
To defend yourself against manipulators, you first need to recognize them as such. It can be very difficult to notice manipulation, as it is usually subtle. This is especially true for those who grew up in an abusive environment or surrounded by manipulative people. They're so used to it that they don't even realize this is not as it should be.
Here are some tips on recognizing manipulators.
At first, don't try to defend yourself yet. Just observe what they're telling you, verbally and non-verbally. Identify the subtext. Get clear about what's really going on, both inside of you and between you and the manipulator.
Once you have a clear awareness of the situation, you can act.
Gain Distance
Remember that manipulation is often unconscious and sometimes a way of coping with some problem, for example diverse fears. Even when it is conscious, it's just a choice that someone else makes. Other people's choices have nothing to do with you as a person.
I know that being manipulated is a pain in the ass, especially when they try to make you feel bad in order to control you - just remember that this is not really about you personally. Their goal is to get something, but it is not to harm you. You're collateral damage. So, don't take it personally.
Disengage
Manipulators are the kind of smelly orcs that can make your social life tedious and foul. If it's a spouse, family member, coworker, or any other person that you are not ready or willing to let go of, you'll have to learn how to deal with them. If you can avoid them, though, just say bye. In my experience this is way more efficient.
However, you cannot spend your time running away from manipulators. You need to work on your mindset anyway. If you attracted them once, chances are good that you have some holes in your armor. Those holes will attract more of them, no matter how far away you flee. So, avoid them - and invest the time and energy that you save by avoiding them in working on yourself.
Improve Mindset
The more you're powerful in your head, the more you become immune against manipulators. Your mindset is key. I cannot stress enough how important that is. So, if you want to defend yourself against manipulators, absolutely work on that. Here are some tips on how to build a healthy anti-manipulation mindset.
Learn Techniques
Optionally, you can learn anti-manipulation techniques. If your mindset is strong, you won't really need them, but when you're just starting and still insecure, they can be very useful. Especially the translator method helped me a lot in the past. I highly recommend it.
Ideally, practice them first with a trusted friend, outside of real manipulative situations. Do some role playing, one playing the manipulator, the other one the technique user. Try out different techniques and different scenarios. Then switch roles. This way, when it really happens, you'll be prepared and have a knee-jerk reaction.
Talk Straight
Way more than techniques, what I recommend is to step completely out of the subtle manipulation game and to play with open cards. Be direct. Remember that manipulators always want something. So, when you spot one, ask them "What is it that you want?".
You can also ask them "How do you feel about this situation?". And, remembering that manipulators often use manipulation out of fear, you can ask "What is it that you are afraid of?".
You can see manipulators as enemies out to get you, abuse you and control you, and hit back. But this creates separation. You can also choose oneness and compassion. The manipulation itself is just their way of expressing themselves. Instead of getting hung up on it, you can go directly to the meat of the matter by asking them what exactly they want.
Give them an opportunity to express themselves openly in a safe environment. Often they simply have never learned that. Listen to them. You can also explain what exactly you want and try together to find a solution that makes both happy.
If they realize that their expressing their wishes directly is taken seriously, welcomed in a non-judgmental way and actually brings good results, it will be much easier for them to let go of manipulation as a way of getting what they want.
Take care to stay focused on finding a solution though. Listening doesn't mean playing psychotherapist or giving them lots of energy by listening and listening and listening! This would be too draining for you.
Keep Going
Take your time, observe, prepare yourself... but once you've started defending yourself, be consistent. Mixed messages teach others to continue with their abusive behavior. So, don't oscillate between standing your ground and falling back into victimizing yourself. That's not healthy. Whether you use anti-manipulation techniques or just talk straight with them, continue with it in a consistent way until they don't try to manipulate you anymore.
When you suddenly start defending yourself, at first they'll try harder than ever! So, be prepared for an increased fire. But at some point, sooner or later, they will realize that it just doesn't work this way anymore, and give up.
They will let go of their manipulative behaviors and learn other ways to communicate what they want, and the relationship will become a good bit healthier. If they're not able or willing to do that, the relationship will probably break.
Leave
In case really nothing helps, and no matter how open you are to straightforward and honest communication, no matter how consistently you block their manipulation, they just keep doing it... Or even respond by creating lots of drama... Leave.
I know this can be very difficult, but your first duty in this life is to take care of yourself.
Some people are just not able, ready, or willing to stop manipulating others. Some are just too blocked in their own personal development. It's not your job to compensate for that. In the long run, you're not doing them a favor by accepting their behavior.
There are also people who have an unconscious and compulsive need to create negativity in others in order to feed off it. These people will never stop with their abusive ways. Run.
Good luck! :-)
lunes, 28 de septiembre de 2009
Anti-Manipulation Mindset
Nobody can manipulate you if you don't allow it. If there is someone manipulating you, this means that you handed your power over to them. You probably didn't do it consciously, but you did it. It happened because your attitude is disempowering in some way.
Anti-manipulation techniques are nothing without the right mindset. If the way you think gives others power over you, no technique will help you in the long run. To defend yourself against manipulators, it is very helpful to shift your mindset. This means adopting different beliefs and attitudes that do not allow anybody to control you.
Here is some internal stuff that will make you STRONG when confronted to manipulators. :-)
******
Take 100% responsibility for your feelings
You create your own feelings. What others do or say never causes your feelings directly. It just triggers them. What actually determines how you feel is your mindset: your beliefs, judgments and attitudes about the situation you are in.
Knowing this helps a lot in dealing with manipulators. When you think that others have the power to hurt you, you're helpless. Taking full responsibility for your feelings however gives you all your power back. Even if you're not able to control your feelings yet, even if some manipulator succeeds in triggering some unpleasant emotions in you, knowing that you are actually the one creating those feelings, and that you have the power to change that, will make you a lot stronger.
Then you will know that they do not truly have any power over you. Their power is an illusion that you can free yourself from. When a manipulator’s subtext makes you feel bad, remember that on some level you just chose to feel bad. You can just as well choose not to let them impress you. You do have this choice.
When you practice taking full responsibility for your feelings, you will get better at choosing how you want to feel. And then, manipulators really have no power over you anymore.
******
Screw guilt
If everybody is 100% responsible for their own feelings, this logically means that you are 0% responsible for other people's feelings. Other people create their own feelings. You can trigger them, but what they do with it is theirs to decide and has nothing to do with you.
Guilt is frequently used by manipulators to blackmail people. "If you don't do xyz, I will be sad." Well, too bad for them if they choose to feel sad! That's their problem, not yours.
Same with actions: you are NOT responsible for other people's actions. "If you don't do xyz, I will drink myself into a coma." Oh yeah? What they do with their life is their decision and none of your business.
In case you think that is heartless, I disagree. This is the most loving attitude I can think of. You don't do anybody a favor by taking the responsibility for their life away from them. Actually, it is highly disrespectful.
Don't feel guilty for other people's feelings or actions. Never. Also, don't feel guilty for your own decisions. Make clear and conscious choices according to your values, priorities and goals - and stand by them shamelessly. Guilt is a totally useless and draining feeling. Kick it out of your life.
******
Get rid of fear
Along with guilt, another emotion that manipulators love to use for their own benefit is fear. If you are scared of something, it’s very easy for someone else to gain power over you. They just need to trigger your fear. They just need to suggest very subtly that what you fear could come true if you don’t do what they want – and you do it.
Facing and transcending your fears will make you much less vulnerable to manipulators. If you’re not afraid of losing your job, your boss will have a hard time using firing you as a threat to make you work overtime. If you’re not afraid of getting dumped or being single, you are much less likely to be a doormat in your relationship. If you’re not afraid of being unattractive, you won’t feel compelled to buy all the beauty products commercials try to sell you. And so on.
Fear is powerful. It’s not easy to “just” face and transcend it. What you can do as a first step is to become aware of it. When fear shows up, acknowledge it, say hello to it, call it by its name, and then just observe it. If a manipulator plays on your fear of something in order to control you, alone being aware of what's going on will help you.
Keep in mind that you create your fear, just as any other feeling. You have the choice not to take it seriously and not to react to it.
******
Heal pain
I guess we all have some old pain hidden in an obscure closet in the cellar of our mind. Some manipulators are great at spotting such old pain and playing on this weakness to get what they want. For some people, being reminded of it is so extremely painful that they'd do anything just not to have this hot spot triggered. This makes them very, very vulnerable.
If you have such old pain in you, heal it. There are many methods. You can use EFT, talk about it with a psychotherapist, consult an energy healer, or work with a coach specialized in such issues. For example Angela is great in such matters.
******
Be at peace with yourself
The lower your self-esteem, the easier you become a prey for manipulators. The more you have problems with yourself, the more you're vulnerable. If you think bad things about yourself, it’s easy for others to push those buttons. Only what you resonate with on some level can hurt you or have any power over you.
If for example you hate yourself for what you perceive as your laziness, then it’s very easy for a manipulator to insinuate that you would be lazy if you didn’t help them move on Saturday. You will go all defensive inside and resist this idea so much that you will probably help them. What?! Me, lazy? Not at all! Fuck. Now you need to prove, if only to yourself, that you're not lazy, or else you will hate yourself all weekend. And whoops, they got what they wanted. Easy, really.
Now if you are perfectly fine with being lazy, then if some bozo insinuates that you would be lazy if you didn’t help them move on Saturday… Yeah, so what? They have no power over you. You can freely choose what you want to do with your time. You can even tell them that you want to fully enjoy your grandiose laziness this weekend instead of helping them.
If you have no problem with the way you are at this time, nobody can use any of your self-perceived weaknesses to make you do what they want. When your attitude is “Yes! That’s how I am. So what?!”, manipulators have a hard time with you. So, accept yourself fully, as you are. I know this can be difficult, but if you succeed at it, you’re invulnerable!
Acceptance does not mean condoning or not changing anything. It simply means acknowledging what is, and accepting that you are in that place at this time. Doesn’t mean you cannot leave that place later.
******
Cultivate detachment
Keep in mind that you are not the roles that you play or the things that you identify with. You are not your relationship with your lover. You are not your job. You are not a good son or a loving parent. You are you. All those things don't define you.
A lot of fear and guilt stems from our identification with things that do not truly belong to us. If you strongly identify with your job or marriage, then you’ll be very afraid of losing them. If you strongly identify as your mother’s son or as a helpful friend, you’ll feel guilty when you don't behave accordingly. But if you recognize that you are not all that, it will be easier for you to let go of the fear or guilt.
You can never truly lose anything. We are all connected at all times. When things or people fade out of our life, you are still connected to them. And ten new things or people will show up in your reality instead. The Universe is infinitely abundant. All those things change nothing about who you are at your core anyway. You are at all time wonderful and whole. Whatever is, is, and is perfect. :-)
******
This set of beliefs and attitudes is all about disallowing others to have any power over you. When confronted to a manipulator, always remember that they do not truly have any power over you. They cannot possibly control you if you don't allow them.
What has power over you is your belief that your feelings are caused by the situation you are in instead of by yourself. What also has power over you are your own fears, guilt, self-hate or attachment to roles and things outside of you. Fortunately, all this does not have any real power over you either! Only as much as you give it.
You can choose to give your power away - or you can choose to claim it back. You are free. :-)
Anti-manipulation techniques are nothing without the right mindset. If the way you think gives others power over you, no technique will help you in the long run. To defend yourself against manipulators, it is very helpful to shift your mindset. This means adopting different beliefs and attitudes that do not allow anybody to control you.
Here is some internal stuff that will make you STRONG when confronted to manipulators. :-)
******
Take 100% responsibility for your feelings
You create your own feelings. What others do or say never causes your feelings directly. It just triggers them. What actually determines how you feel is your mindset: your beliefs, judgments and attitudes about the situation you are in.
Knowing this helps a lot in dealing with manipulators. When you think that others have the power to hurt you, you're helpless. Taking full responsibility for your feelings however gives you all your power back. Even if you're not able to control your feelings yet, even if some manipulator succeeds in triggering some unpleasant emotions in you, knowing that you are actually the one creating those feelings, and that you have the power to change that, will make you a lot stronger.
Then you will know that they do not truly have any power over you. Their power is an illusion that you can free yourself from. When a manipulator’s subtext makes you feel bad, remember that on some level you just chose to feel bad. You can just as well choose not to let them impress you. You do have this choice.
When you practice taking full responsibility for your feelings, you will get better at choosing how you want to feel. And then, manipulators really have no power over you anymore.
******
Screw guilt
If everybody is 100% responsible for their own feelings, this logically means that you are 0% responsible for other people's feelings. Other people create their own feelings. You can trigger them, but what they do with it is theirs to decide and has nothing to do with you.
Guilt is frequently used by manipulators to blackmail people. "If you don't do xyz, I will be sad." Well, too bad for them if they choose to feel sad! That's their problem, not yours.
Same with actions: you are NOT responsible for other people's actions. "If you don't do xyz, I will drink myself into a coma." Oh yeah? What they do with their life is their decision and none of your business.
In case you think that is heartless, I disagree. This is the most loving attitude I can think of. You don't do anybody a favor by taking the responsibility for their life away from them. Actually, it is highly disrespectful.
Don't feel guilty for other people's feelings or actions. Never. Also, don't feel guilty for your own decisions. Make clear and conscious choices according to your values, priorities and goals - and stand by them shamelessly. Guilt is a totally useless and draining feeling. Kick it out of your life.
******
Get rid of fear
Along with guilt, another emotion that manipulators love to use for their own benefit is fear. If you are scared of something, it’s very easy for someone else to gain power over you. They just need to trigger your fear. They just need to suggest very subtly that what you fear could come true if you don’t do what they want – and you do it.
Facing and transcending your fears will make you much less vulnerable to manipulators. If you’re not afraid of losing your job, your boss will have a hard time using firing you as a threat to make you work overtime. If you’re not afraid of getting dumped or being single, you are much less likely to be a doormat in your relationship. If you’re not afraid of being unattractive, you won’t feel compelled to buy all the beauty products commercials try to sell you. And so on.
Fear is powerful. It’s not easy to “just” face and transcend it. What you can do as a first step is to become aware of it. When fear shows up, acknowledge it, say hello to it, call it by its name, and then just observe it. If a manipulator plays on your fear of something in order to control you, alone being aware of what's going on will help you.
Keep in mind that you create your fear, just as any other feeling. You have the choice not to take it seriously and not to react to it.
******
Heal pain
I guess we all have some old pain hidden in an obscure closet in the cellar of our mind. Some manipulators are great at spotting such old pain and playing on this weakness to get what they want. For some people, being reminded of it is so extremely painful that they'd do anything just not to have this hot spot triggered. This makes them very, very vulnerable.
If you have such old pain in you, heal it. There are many methods. You can use EFT, talk about it with a psychotherapist, consult an energy healer, or work with a coach specialized in such issues. For example Angela is great in such matters.
******
Be at peace with yourself
The lower your self-esteem, the easier you become a prey for manipulators. The more you have problems with yourself, the more you're vulnerable. If you think bad things about yourself, it’s easy for others to push those buttons. Only what you resonate with on some level can hurt you or have any power over you.
If for example you hate yourself for what you perceive as your laziness, then it’s very easy for a manipulator to insinuate that you would be lazy if you didn’t help them move on Saturday. You will go all defensive inside and resist this idea so much that you will probably help them. What?! Me, lazy? Not at all! Fuck. Now you need to prove, if only to yourself, that you're not lazy, or else you will hate yourself all weekend. And whoops, they got what they wanted. Easy, really.
Now if you are perfectly fine with being lazy, then if some bozo insinuates that you would be lazy if you didn’t help them move on Saturday… Yeah, so what? They have no power over you. You can freely choose what you want to do with your time. You can even tell them that you want to fully enjoy your grandiose laziness this weekend instead of helping them.
If you have no problem with the way you are at this time, nobody can use any of your self-perceived weaknesses to make you do what they want. When your attitude is “Yes! That’s how I am. So what?!”, manipulators have a hard time with you. So, accept yourself fully, as you are. I know this can be difficult, but if you succeed at it, you’re invulnerable!
Acceptance does not mean condoning or not changing anything. It simply means acknowledging what is, and accepting that you are in that place at this time. Doesn’t mean you cannot leave that place later.
******
Cultivate detachment
Keep in mind that you are not the roles that you play or the things that you identify with. You are not your relationship with your lover. You are not your job. You are not a good son or a loving parent. You are you. All those things don't define you.
A lot of fear and guilt stems from our identification with things that do not truly belong to us. If you strongly identify with your job or marriage, then you’ll be very afraid of losing them. If you strongly identify as your mother’s son or as a helpful friend, you’ll feel guilty when you don't behave accordingly. But if you recognize that you are not all that, it will be easier for you to let go of the fear or guilt.
You can never truly lose anything. We are all connected at all times. When things or people fade out of our life, you are still connected to them. And ten new things or people will show up in your reality instead. The Universe is infinitely abundant. All those things change nothing about who you are at your core anyway. You are at all time wonderful and whole. Whatever is, is, and is perfect. :-)
******
This set of beliefs and attitudes is all about disallowing others to have any power over you. When confronted to a manipulator, always remember that they do not truly have any power over you. They cannot possibly control you if you don't allow them.
What has power over you is your belief that your feelings are caused by the situation you are in instead of by yourself. What also has power over you are your own fears, guilt, self-hate or attachment to roles and things outside of you. Fortunately, all this does not have any real power over you either! Only as much as you give it.
You can choose to give your power away - or you can choose to claim it back. You are free. :-)
jueves, 13 de agosto de 2009
Anti-Manipulation Techniques
What to do when you notice that you are being manipulated? Because of the indirect nature of manipulation, it's not easy to defend yourself against it. When someone tells you "Do X." it's easy to say "yes" or "no". But when they don't openly ask for X, refusing to do it gets tricky. How do you say no when you weren't asked for anything in the first place?
In this post I will share a few of my favorite anti-manipulation techniques. These techniques are nothing without the right mindset, though. I'll talk about that in my next post.
******
The translator method
The translator method is the easiest and the most efficient anti-manipulation technique I have found. It works like this: you are in a situation where you are being manipulated by someone whom I will call your opponent to keep it general. Then you simply translate what your opponent is expressing both verbally and non-verbally into a simple sentence. And you ask them if this is what they mean.
Example: you don't want to attend the family gathering. Your mother says "OK, I understand." but with a very sad look on her face. You feel guilty, and now you're trapped. You really don't want to attend, but you feel bad about your mother being sad because of you. What to do?!
Translator method: you say "Do you mean that I am breaking your heart by not attending?"
This can be done in a very friendly, loving tone. You can sit down next to your mom and ask "I'm not sure I'm understanding you correctly. Do you mean that ...".
The translator method is great to find out what your opponent really feels or thinks. Many people don't say what they really think, or don't say it directly. With the translator method, you can gain interesting insights and even heal some of your relationships. It's particularly appropriate when dealing with friends, lovers and other people who are important to you and whom you would like to communicate with in a healthy way.
The translator method is also great in situations where you are not sure whether your opponent is trying to manipulate you or not. It will give you clarity.
Example: Your mother could be sad that you are not attending the family gathering, yet genuinely understand your decision and grant you the freedom to make this choice. In that case, no manipulation.
You: Do you mean that I am breaking your heart?
Opponent: Nah, of course not. Sure I am sad that you're not attending. But it is your right, and I respect that.
-> Conflict solved. No problem. You can hug her and tell her that your not attending changes nothing about how much you love her.
The other possibility is that she really was trying to make you feel guilty so that you change your mind. What happens when you use the translator method in truly manipulative situations?
Outcome #1: they agree.
You: Do you mean that I am breaking your heart?
Opponent: Yes! It breaks my heart that you won't be there! You are such a bad son. / You don't love me. / What will the relatives think. / etc.
This is a great outcome. At least things are being brought from the subconscious to the conscious level now. Calling a cat a cat is always healthier. Now you can talk about the real problem in a clear and honest way.
Outcome #2: they deny.
Usually the answer you'll get is "no, no..." followed by "just", and often by another manipulative attempt.
You: Do you mean that I am breaking your heart?
Opponent: No, no... It's just that I almost never see you. / No, no.... I just thought that your grandmother would be happy to see you, she's getting old you know...
In that case, continue using the same technique.
You: Do you mean that I am breaking your heart?
Opponent: No, no... It's just that I almost never see you.
You: Do you mean that you would like to see me more often?
And so on. You can continue using the translator method until you reach the point where your opponent clearly says what they really think. And then you can discuss the real problem.
Outcome #3: they get really pissed off.
Dealing with angry people is beyond the scope of this post. If they try to manipulate you further, you can continue using the translator method. If they stop beating around the bush and are straight with you, you can talk about it. If they get downright insulting, make personal attacks, threaten or shout, state clearly that you refuse to talk with them under these circumstances. Break the conversation off and leave.
******
The literal method
The translator method consists in making the subtext (= the underlying, unspoken message) clear and conscious by talking about it. A completely different approach is to simply ignore the subtext. React only to what's being said. Basically, feign emotional stupidity.
Example: You don't want to attend the family gathering. Your mother says "OK, I understand." and looks very sad. You ignore the sadness, give her a kiss on her cheek and say "I knew you'd understand!".
Another example: Your neighbor wants you to help her assemble her new book shelf. Instead of saying it, she tells you what a nice apartment you have, and how talented you must be with your hands, talks about furniture, all this innocently followed by a description of her problem with the book shelf. She looks up at you with big helpless eyes and says "I don't know what to do.".
Now instead of thinking that you have no other choice than to help her, you reply by quoting Steve Pavlina for her edification: "“I don’t know what to do” is pure nonsense. Of course you know what to do. You’re just scared that you won’t be able to handle it.". Or you simply tell her that you are sure she will soon get an idea.
This method is particularly appropriate when
it is very clear that your opponent is trying to manipulate you
your opponent is not very important to you, or
you are fed up with making efforts to better the communication between the two of you
This method is logical. It's based on the premise that we are all responsible for asking for what we want, and if your opponent does not clearly say what they really want, there's no reason they should get it. Using this method means refusing to consider any subtle cues and indirect communication. It educates others to straight talk.
It definitely is a radical way of discouraging your opponent from ever manipulating you again! However, it requires you to be able to take a fair amount of pressure, which can be difficult if you are not as insensitive as you feign to be. Some people won't let you escape that easily. When they see that it doesn't work, they could intensify the pressure and if you don't have the right mindset, you will feel really bad. If it doesn't work out well, switch to the translator method.
******
The subtext exaggeration method
Here, instead of ignoring the subtext, you ignore the rest and react only to the subtext. That is, you don't react to it. Instead of having the reaction that your opponent expects, you openly agree with the subtext and even exaggerate it, but without taking action.
Example: Again you don't want to attend the freakin' family gathering, and once more your mother says that she understands, but looks very sad. Let's assume that she's generally manipulative and you know she's just trying to make you feel guilty. You say "Yes absolutely! I am such a bad son for breaking my old mother's heart like this. Really, I should immediately go commit suicide!".
Another example: Your helpless neighbor behaves like I explained above, looks up at you and says "I don't know what to do". You reply with a big grin: "Oh wow, I would be a true hero then, if I rushed to such a helpless victim's aid!". But you don't do it of course. You just say it. You can even lean back and cross your arms while saying it to clearly show that you won't do it.
And then just look straight into their eyes.
This method is particularly appropriate when you know for sure that your opponent is trying to manipulate you and you want to make it clear to them that you see very well what they're up to, and that such tactics do not work with you. It's like the translator method, but instead of fostering dialog, understanding and honest communication, this one is more of a "in your face" kind of response.
To use this method you will need to analyze the subtext of what they are saying quickly, since that is what you will be replying with. If you're not that good at getting unspoken messages, use the translator method instead. Then you can ask if that's what they really mean. If you just rub it under their nose it's better to be accurate first!
Here too you will need to be able to take some pressure as well as to deal with angry opponents. This method is especially likely to piss them off because it debunks them so insolently.
******
The time delay method
Use this one if you feel that you are being manipulated without knowing exactly how. If you aren't able to translate the subtext, or not aware of what's going on exactly, but just feel uncomfortable and under pressure, then just refuse to make a decision immediately. Ask for a time delay.
You could say something like "I'll think about it. I'll let you know what I have decided." or "I cannot decide this right now. I need more time to think about it. I'll come back to you when I have made up my mind.".
What's important is to tell them that you will let them know when you have made up your mind. This shows that YOU are in control, not they. You are free to think about it as much as you want. You are free to decide whatever you want, whenever you want. You will inform them of your decision - which means that your decision is entirely yours.
Plus, this way they have no valid reason to bug you with this topic anymore. If they keep bringing it up, you can say "I told you I'd let you know what I have decided. Let's not talk about this for now, please.".
This technique is particularly useful when your mindset is weak, and you feel very strongly compelled to give in, although you know you don't want to. Then a time delay is a good emergency solution. But it is only that: an emergency solution. Work on your mindset and get stronger.
******
There are a lot more anti-manipulation techniques. Verbal self-defense is an absolutely fascinating topic anyway! But with just those few ones you should already be able to deal with all kinds of manipulators.
Using techniques to counter manipulation is just one small part of the whole though. To truly defend yourself you need more than techniques. You need the right mindset. That's much more important than to use any tricks! It will also make using the above techniques wayyyy easier - or even completely unnecessary.
In this post I will share a few of my favorite anti-manipulation techniques. These techniques are nothing without the right mindset, though. I'll talk about that in my next post.
******
The translator method
The translator method is the easiest and the most efficient anti-manipulation technique I have found. It works like this: you are in a situation where you are being manipulated by someone whom I will call your opponent to keep it general. Then you simply translate what your opponent is expressing both verbally and non-verbally into a simple sentence. And you ask them if this is what they mean.
Example: you don't want to attend the family gathering. Your mother says "OK, I understand." but with a very sad look on her face. You feel guilty, and now you're trapped. You really don't want to attend, but you feel bad about your mother being sad because of you. What to do?!
Translator method: you say "Do you mean that I am breaking your heart by not attending?"
This can be done in a very friendly, loving tone. You can sit down next to your mom and ask "I'm not sure I'm understanding you correctly. Do you mean that ...".
The translator method is great to find out what your opponent really feels or thinks. Many people don't say what they really think, or don't say it directly. With the translator method, you can gain interesting insights and even heal some of your relationships. It's particularly appropriate when dealing with friends, lovers and other people who are important to you and whom you would like to communicate with in a healthy way.
The translator method is also great in situations where you are not sure whether your opponent is trying to manipulate you or not. It will give you clarity.
Example: Your mother could be sad that you are not attending the family gathering, yet genuinely understand your decision and grant you the freedom to make this choice. In that case, no manipulation.
You: Do you mean that I am breaking your heart?
Opponent: Nah, of course not. Sure I am sad that you're not attending. But it is your right, and I respect that.
-> Conflict solved. No problem. You can hug her and tell her that your not attending changes nothing about how much you love her.
The other possibility is that she really was trying to make you feel guilty so that you change your mind. What happens when you use the translator method in truly manipulative situations?
Outcome #1: they agree.
You: Do you mean that I am breaking your heart?
Opponent: Yes! It breaks my heart that you won't be there! You are such a bad son. / You don't love me. / What will the relatives think. / etc.
This is a great outcome. At least things are being brought from the subconscious to the conscious level now. Calling a cat a cat is always healthier. Now you can talk about the real problem in a clear and honest way.
Outcome #2: they deny.
Usually the answer you'll get is "no, no..." followed by "just", and often by another manipulative attempt.
You: Do you mean that I am breaking your heart?
Opponent: No, no... It's just that I almost never see you. / No, no.... I just thought that your grandmother would be happy to see you, she's getting old you know...
In that case, continue using the same technique.
You: Do you mean that I am breaking your heart?
Opponent: No, no... It's just that I almost never see you.
You: Do you mean that you would like to see me more often?
And so on. You can continue using the translator method until you reach the point where your opponent clearly says what they really think. And then you can discuss the real problem.
Outcome #3: they get really pissed off.
Dealing with angry people is beyond the scope of this post. If they try to manipulate you further, you can continue using the translator method. If they stop beating around the bush and are straight with you, you can talk about it. If they get downright insulting, make personal attacks, threaten or shout, state clearly that you refuse to talk with them under these circumstances. Break the conversation off and leave.
******
The literal method
The translator method consists in making the subtext (= the underlying, unspoken message) clear and conscious by talking about it. A completely different approach is to simply ignore the subtext. React only to what's being said. Basically, feign emotional stupidity.
Example: You don't want to attend the family gathering. Your mother says "OK, I understand." and looks very sad. You ignore the sadness, give her a kiss on her cheek and say "I knew you'd understand!".
Another example: Your neighbor wants you to help her assemble her new book shelf. Instead of saying it, she tells you what a nice apartment you have, and how talented you must be with your hands, talks about furniture, all this innocently followed by a description of her problem with the book shelf. She looks up at you with big helpless eyes and says "I don't know what to do.".
Now instead of thinking that you have no other choice than to help her, you reply by quoting Steve Pavlina for her edification: "“I don’t know what to do” is pure nonsense. Of course you know what to do. You’re just scared that you won’t be able to handle it.". Or you simply tell her that you are sure she will soon get an idea.
This method is particularly appropriate when
it is very clear that your opponent is trying to manipulate you
your opponent is not very important to you, or
you are fed up with making efforts to better the communication between the two of you
This method is logical. It's based on the premise that we are all responsible for asking for what we want, and if your opponent does not clearly say what they really want, there's no reason they should get it. Using this method means refusing to consider any subtle cues and indirect communication. It educates others to straight talk.
It definitely is a radical way of discouraging your opponent from ever manipulating you again! However, it requires you to be able to take a fair amount of pressure, which can be difficult if you are not as insensitive as you feign to be. Some people won't let you escape that easily. When they see that it doesn't work, they could intensify the pressure and if you don't have the right mindset, you will feel really bad. If it doesn't work out well, switch to the translator method.
******
The subtext exaggeration method
Here, instead of ignoring the subtext, you ignore the rest and react only to the subtext. That is, you don't react to it. Instead of having the reaction that your opponent expects, you openly agree with the subtext and even exaggerate it, but without taking action.
Example: Again you don't want to attend the freakin' family gathering, and once more your mother says that she understands, but looks very sad. Let's assume that she's generally manipulative and you know she's just trying to make you feel guilty. You say "Yes absolutely! I am such a bad son for breaking my old mother's heart like this. Really, I should immediately go commit suicide!".
Another example: Your helpless neighbor behaves like I explained above, looks up at you and says "I don't know what to do". You reply with a big grin: "Oh wow, I would be a true hero then, if I rushed to such a helpless victim's aid!". But you don't do it of course. You just say it. You can even lean back and cross your arms while saying it to clearly show that you won't do it.
And then just look straight into their eyes.
This method is particularly appropriate when you know for sure that your opponent is trying to manipulate you and you want to make it clear to them that you see very well what they're up to, and that such tactics do not work with you. It's like the translator method, but instead of fostering dialog, understanding and honest communication, this one is more of a "in your face" kind of response.
To use this method you will need to analyze the subtext of what they are saying quickly, since that is what you will be replying with. If you're not that good at getting unspoken messages, use the translator method instead. Then you can ask if that's what they really mean. If you just rub it under their nose it's better to be accurate first!
Here too you will need to be able to take some pressure as well as to deal with angry opponents. This method is especially likely to piss them off because it debunks them so insolently.
******
The time delay method
Use this one if you feel that you are being manipulated without knowing exactly how. If you aren't able to translate the subtext, or not aware of what's going on exactly, but just feel uncomfortable and under pressure, then just refuse to make a decision immediately. Ask for a time delay.
You could say something like "I'll think about it. I'll let you know what I have decided." or "I cannot decide this right now. I need more time to think about it. I'll come back to you when I have made up my mind.".
What's important is to tell them that you will let them know when you have made up your mind. This shows that YOU are in control, not they. You are free to think about it as much as you want. You are free to decide whatever you want, whenever you want. You will inform them of your decision - which means that your decision is entirely yours.
Plus, this way they have no valid reason to bug you with this topic anymore. If they keep bringing it up, you can say "I told you I'd let you know what I have decided. Let's not talk about this for now, please.".
This technique is particularly useful when your mindset is weak, and you feel very strongly compelled to give in, although you know you don't want to. Then a time delay is a good emergency solution. But it is only that: an emergency solution. Work on your mindset and get stronger.
******
There are a lot more anti-manipulation techniques. Verbal self-defense is an absolutely fascinating topic anyway! But with just those few ones you should already be able to deal with all kinds of manipulators.
Using techniques to counter manipulation is just one small part of the whole though. To truly defend yourself you need more than techniques. You need the right mindset. That's much more important than to use any tricks! It will also make using the above techniques wayyyy easier - or even completely unnecessary.
viernes, 10 de julio de 2009
Are manipulators evil?
Manipulation, be it conscious or unconscious, is not evil. Conscious manipulation is a choice. Unconscious manipulation is a habit rooted in fear.
Conscious manipulation
Some people consciously choose to manipulate others in order to get what they want. Commercials for example manipulate us. "You will be such a cool guy and all chicks will dig you if you wear those pants", "You're not attractive if you smell like sweat, so you'd better use our deodorant if you want to get laid", and so on. They call it "to create a need". And then we gladly buy the product that will fulfill the need we wouldn't have had if they hadn't brainwashed us in the first place. Actually I find observing commercials fascinating.
Salespersons use the same kind of manipulative strategies, they even intentionally learn them. PUAs are another example. Many other people also use manipulation in a deliberate and conscious way to reach their goals, both privately and in their career.
These are choices I would not make. Using sneaky tactics to play on someone's weaknesses in order to control their feelings and behavior is aligned neither with love nor with integrity. No thanks. I am all for love, respect, and free choices for everybody. We are all one consciousness. What you do to someone else you do to yourself. What's the point in deceiving yourself?
That being said, in my book manipulation isn't evil. All choices are valid. Choosing not to be aligned with love and integrity is a valid choice as well. The word "evil" doesn't make any sense in my world. There's no good and evil, there's just different choices.
Unconscious manipulation
Most manipulators don't do it consciously. In my experience, they have been taught to use manipulation by their family and environment. As children we automatically imitate those around us. People who grew up in a manipulative environment naturally adopt this communication technique. It might not be aligned with certain values, but it's just a communication technique among many - and an efficient one.
Most manipulators simply have learned it works. They know they get what they want when they use it, so they just continue behaving this way without really being aware of what's going on. It's a mostly unconscious habit. If you told them that they are manipulators, they'd probably not agree.
Some of them just don't know how to get what they want in another way. They have never learned to express their wishes in a direct way. Or they were even actively discouraged to do so. Just saying what they want would seem rude, shameful or simply useless to them. They're not used to it. So they have to use more subtle tactics to reach their goals.
This is especially true for women. Sorry for the sexist comment. ;-) Maybe this is different for younger generations, but women my age and older generally are taught that expressing wishes in a bold and direct way is "not feminine". A very assertive behavior is usually better tolerated, or even admired, in men. But for a woman, clearly stating what she wants is rather obnoxious. Women are (were?) encouraged to express themselves in a more subtle, "feminine", "pretty" way. This is utter bullshit of course. Those stupid gender stereotypes just foster communication problems. As a result, another stupid gender stereotype is that women are manipulative! Isn't that ironic?
Another big reason for using manipulation is fear. Some people are afraid they would not get what they want if they just asked for it. So they use hidden tactics to minimize the risk of hearing no. If things don't pan out the way they want, they can just back off without losing face. In this case, manipulation is just a protection. It's a way of coping with their fear of rejection or fear of failure.
There's nothing evil about all this. Of course as conscious adults we are responsible for our behavior, no matter how we learned it or why we do it. But fear is powerful. Habits are powerful. It takes a lot of courage to overcome fear, and a lot of awareness to break deeply ingrained habits. Awareness and courage are what manipulators lack. That's not evil. You can call it cowardice - but they don't need your judgment. What you could give them is love and understanding instead. :-) Love is a powerful remedy for fear.
This doesn't mean that you should let them manipulate you though! My next post will be about how to defend yourself against their manipulative attempts.
Conscious manipulation
Some people consciously choose to manipulate others in order to get what they want. Commercials for example manipulate us. "You will be such a cool guy and all chicks will dig you if you wear those pants", "You're not attractive if you smell like sweat, so you'd better use our deodorant if you want to get laid", and so on. They call it "to create a need". And then we gladly buy the product that will fulfill the need we wouldn't have had if they hadn't brainwashed us in the first place. Actually I find observing commercials fascinating.
Salespersons use the same kind of manipulative strategies, they even intentionally learn them. PUAs are another example. Many other people also use manipulation in a deliberate and conscious way to reach their goals, both privately and in their career.
These are choices I would not make. Using sneaky tactics to play on someone's weaknesses in order to control their feelings and behavior is aligned neither with love nor with integrity. No thanks. I am all for love, respect, and free choices for everybody. We are all one consciousness. What you do to someone else you do to yourself. What's the point in deceiving yourself?
That being said, in my book manipulation isn't evil. All choices are valid. Choosing not to be aligned with love and integrity is a valid choice as well. The word "evil" doesn't make any sense in my world. There's no good and evil, there's just different choices.
Unconscious manipulation
Most manipulators don't do it consciously. In my experience, they have been taught to use manipulation by their family and environment. As children we automatically imitate those around us. People who grew up in a manipulative environment naturally adopt this communication technique. It might not be aligned with certain values, but it's just a communication technique among many - and an efficient one.
Most manipulators simply have learned it works. They know they get what they want when they use it, so they just continue behaving this way without really being aware of what's going on. It's a mostly unconscious habit. If you told them that they are manipulators, they'd probably not agree.
Some of them just don't know how to get what they want in another way. They have never learned to express their wishes in a direct way. Or they were even actively discouraged to do so. Just saying what they want would seem rude, shameful or simply useless to them. They're not used to it. So they have to use more subtle tactics to reach their goals.
This is especially true for women. Sorry for the sexist comment. ;-) Maybe this is different for younger generations, but women my age and older generally are taught that expressing wishes in a bold and direct way is "not feminine". A very assertive behavior is usually better tolerated, or even admired, in men. But for a woman, clearly stating what she wants is rather obnoxious. Women are (were?) encouraged to express themselves in a more subtle, "feminine", "pretty" way. This is utter bullshit of course. Those stupid gender stereotypes just foster communication problems. As a result, another stupid gender stereotype is that women are manipulative! Isn't that ironic?
Another big reason for using manipulation is fear. Some people are afraid they would not get what they want if they just asked for it. So they use hidden tactics to minimize the risk of hearing no. If things don't pan out the way they want, they can just back off without losing face. In this case, manipulation is just a protection. It's a way of coping with their fear of rejection or fear of failure.
There's nothing evil about all this. Of course as conscious adults we are responsible for our behavior, no matter how we learned it or why we do it. But fear is powerful. Habits are powerful. It takes a lot of courage to overcome fear, and a lot of awareness to break deeply ingrained habits. Awareness and courage are what manipulators lack. That's not evil. You can call it cowardice - but they don't need your judgment. What you could give them is love and understanding instead. :-) Love is a powerful remedy for fear.
This doesn't mean that you should let them manipulate you though! My next post will be about how to defend yourself against their manipulative attempts.
martes, 7 de julio de 2009
How to recognize manipulators?
Manipulation is a generic term for a vast range of communication techniques. What they have in common is that manipulators have a hidden agenda that they pursue without clearly saying it. Many people use manipulation to get what they want. Nevertheless, it can be very difficult to defend oneself against it, or even to recognize it.
Highly conscious and aware individuals don't use manipulation. Most people aren't highly conscious and aware though, so chances are good that you do have contact with manipulators (or are one yourself).
******
What is manipulation?
Manipulation can take many forms: emotional blackmail (making you feel bad in case you don't do what is expected from you), flattering you or telling your things in order to make you do something specific, testing you, etc. In all cases, manipulators try to gain control over your feelings and/or behavior by playing in some way on your weaknesses.
The goal for them is to get what they want. When they are successful, you end up doing what they want, even if it is something you would not have chosen to do out of your free will.
For example, if you feel particularly proud and valuable when you are needed, someone knowing this can deliberately play victim in order to make you help them. If you secretly think that you are lazy and feel bad about that, and someone suggests that you'd be a lazy bum if you don't help them move on Saturday, chances are good that you will spend your Saturday carrying transport boxes.
Manipulators do or say certain things in order to influence your feelings in such a way that you react the way they want you to react. The manipulator usually says things in an indirect and subtle way. The underlying, unspoken message, which is what they're really telling you, is expressed between the lines, not in a clear and direct way. Manipulators don't say what they want openly. They insinuate, suggest and hint.
******
How does it work?
We all have buttons that hurt when pushed and an ego that loves to be flattered. Manipulators just play on those weaknesses.
I can see two major kinds of manipulation:
The carrot method
Tthis method flatters your ego and promises to fulfill your desires. The underlying, unspoken message is "If you do X, you'll be great/cool/a good person/the result will be to your advantage/, etc." So, since you want to be great, cool, a great person and all that, you do it, without even noticing that the decision wasn't entirely yours. Ideally, the promised "reward" is something important to you. That you will get this reward isn't said clearly though, it's just suggested. Just enough for you to understand it.
The stick method
This one uses negative feelings to get you where they want to have you. The underlying, unspoken message is "If you don't do X, you'll be an egoist/lazy/a bad son/unattractive/I won't love you anymore/you'll get fired/etc." The catastrophe they are implicitly threatening you with probably will be something you are afraid of. Again, they won't threaten openly. They'll just use insinuations. But you understand them, and since you are scared of getting fired or it hurts you not to be accepted anymore, you'll do it. You'll probably think that you made this choice yourself. Maybe it will be clear to you that you did it to avoid feeling bad - but actually the bad feelings were triggered on purpose.
The carrot and the stick are often used together, either simultaneously ("You would be such a nice buddy if you helped me move, and so lazy if you didn't") or sequentially ("You'd be a hero if you repaired my kitchen sink! What, you don't want to? You loser.")
The stick method is particularly nasty, unhealthy and harmful. It takes all freedom out of the situation and leaves you only with a no-win choice: either you do what they want, or you feel bad. This is emotional blackmail. It is an abusive behavior and can lead to emotional disorders.
There are other forms of manipulation, like testing (deliberately saying or doing something just to see how the other person will respond), or pulling (deliberately saying or doing something in order to get a desired response, but without really using the stick or the carrot method). Those might be non-aligned with integrity, however they're quite harmless so I will focus more on emotional blackmail in this post.
******
How do they do it?
As I said, the real message is not expressed directly. It can be camouflaged as the expression of an objective truth, a personal feeling, or a simple question. Let's say for example that your boss wants you to work overtime, and you refuse. Manipulative answers could be
"But how are we going to do without you?" (Real message: "You are letting us down, and the project might fail because of you"),
"I thought I could count on you" (Real message: "I am disappointed with you. You're not a good employee.")
"I understand... Go and have fun, we'll manage somehow! (with a sad or strained look)" (Real message: "You are an egoist.")
-> The first step to recognize manipulation is to ask yourself: what is really being said here?
Manipulation can be difficult to recognize because it happens mostly on a non-verbal level. When someone plays on your protector instinct to get your help by acting as a poor victim, for example, it's not necessarily what they say that makes you help them. It could be the body language which says "I'm such a poor victim with my bent shoulders and those large helpless eyes looking up to you... Will you be my savior?". And whoops, your ego steps in to show how great a knight you are.
-> Pay attention to body language. Ask yourself: what is being expressed non-verbally here?
A big part of the unspoken message is often expressed in very subtle ways. It might be the tone of the voice, a particular way to look at you, expressing certain feelings, or even the choice of the words that are used.
For example if you refuse to go to a family gathering, your mother could say "OK, I understand." - but with a cold look on her face. Real message: "I don't like it. You have to come." Or even "I don't love you anymore", depending on your relationship with your mother. Or she could say "OK, I understand." but with a suffering and sad face. Real message: "You're breaking your old mother's heart..." The goal here is to make you feel guilty.
-> Check whether the spoken words are congruent with the body language. If they're not, beware!
Aside from body language, what's often used by manipulators is humor. When your friend pressures you into helping him move on Saturday, he could suggest that you are lazy by simply making a joke about your spending your weekends like a couch-potato. This is very efficient and will make you feel bad - but it's very subtle since it was "just a joke", right?
-> Remember that nobody is ever really just kidding.
All these sneaky ways of communicating can make it very difficult to recognize that you are being manipulated. It happens mostly on the subconscious level. In many cases, it could all be perfectly innocent. When the manipulator plays on an issue that's very personal to you, it can even be difficult for someone else to perceive the manipulative aspect of what they say, because they don't know how it affects you. Nonetheless, the point is: they have you where they want to have you. Manipulation generally is a highly effective tactic.
******
How to recognize a manipulative situation?
Manipulation is not easy to recognize. Awareness is key here. When you're communicating with someone, stay aware of what's really going on.
If you are not sure whether you are being manipulated or not, check the following:
Are you feeling bad?
If you feel bad when communicating with someone, that's a sign that something is not flowing harmoniously. It does not necessarily mean that they're trying to manipulate you. They could be genuine yet trigger some negative feelings in you. But they could also be manipulating you. If you feel bad, this could be because you're resisting their manipulation attempts on a subconscious level.
Most especially: are you feeling blackmailed? Or put under pressure in some way? Or maybe overly flattered? Or do you feel like you are being trapped somehow? Does it feel like you have no other choice but doing or tolerating something?
All these are signs that you could be manipulated.
Are they being congruent?
Does what they are saying accurately reflect what they actually mean? What is really being said? What is the underlying, unspoken message? How directly is it being expressed?
What are they expressing non-verbally? Is this in alignment with the words they use?
Translate all verbal and non-verbal signals you're getting from them into one simple sentence. Is this what they are saying out loud? If not, beware.
Now look at this translation. (How) is this person trying to influence your feelings? (How) is this person trying to control your behavior or to make you do something?
Is the underlying message a carrot or a stick? Is it meant to flatter you, or to make you feel bad in some way? Does it try to make you feel guilty, ashamed, scared or otherwise faulty? Does it blackmail you? Is it abusive in some way? Is it threatening or insulting? Is it intrusive or disrespectful of your person or boundaries? If one of those is the case, even if the person appears to be friendly, your alarm bells should ring!
What do they want?
Manipulators want something. They can want you to take a certain action, but it might also be something else, like your energy, attention or love. Is there something that this person wants from you now?
This something that they want, do you want it? If you do it, will you regret it? Would you do it out of your free will if you had a choice?
If the answer is "no", but for some strange reason you're feeling compelled to do it anyway, or feeling bad for not doing it, beware! This smells like manipulation.
If you feel that someone flatters your ego, ask yourself: what do they want in return? Sometimes people say nice things and want nothing in return at all. But sometimes this is accompanied or followed by some kind of request. If you're not sure, listen to your gut feeling. A useful question to ask yourself is: would they still find you that great if you didn't do what they want?
How do they react to anti-manipulation techniques?
Ultimately, the best way to recognize manipulation is to apply some anti-manipulation technique and observe the result. Depending on the reaction you get, it will be clear. I'll talk about anti-manipulation techniques in a separate post.
******
How to spot potential manipulators?
Here are - in a very generalized way - some signs indicating that you could be dealing with a manipulator:
They don't respect your no.
Many manipulators just won't accept a no. They'll still try to convince you, win you over, intimidate or seduce you into doing it. This can be done in a very charming way, in an authoritarian way, in a teary way, in a cool way, or whatever other way. The fact remains that they are in truth not respecting your no.This should make your alarm bells ring. Always pay attention when someone refuses to hear no. Big red flag.
They don't respect your will.
Same as with a no but applicable to all kinds of other decisions as well. If someone does not accept your decisions, perk up your ears. Smelly orc in sight.
They don't respect your personal space.
This can happen on different levels: on the physical level (they come too close or they systematically imitate your posture), on the intellectual level (they either try to make you change your mind in a pushy way or adopt your every opinion as theirs), on the emotional level (they stick to you or always imitate your feelings), etc. This is no proof for manipulation but in my experience, people who disrespect other people's personal boundaries also often tend to use manipulation to get what they want.
They make you feel uncomfortable.
Manipulative people often make us feel uncomfortable "for no reason". Might seem irrational to you, but trust your intuition. Your gut knows. Your work is to listen to these feelings instead of discarding them if they're not rational.
They're not straightforward
While trying to manipulate you, of course manipulative people aren't being straightforward! That's how manipulation works. But in my experience they also tend not to be very straightforward people in a more general way. For example they could frequently repress their feelings instead of expressing them. Or when they do express themselves, this could happen in an indirect way, like saying "It's getting late" instead of "Time for you to go". There's nothing bad with being polite and subtle - just pay attention and check out if that's a recurrent pattern in this person's general communication style.
Do they make indirect suggestions instead of clearly asking for what they want? ("This box is so heavy!" instead of "Would you please help me carry this box?") Do they state their opinions in a direct way, or using allusions and hints? ("Do you want to come shopping clothes with me some day?" instead of "Your clothes look lame.") Do they express their feelings openly, or do they give you cryptic cues and expect you to get it? When you ask how they are, do they say "I'm okay" but look like they're attending a funeral, or do they say "I'm sad"?
All this in itself is no manipulation of course. It's just a sign that this person could be prone to using an over-average amount of manipulation in their communication.
******
Being able to notice that someone is trying to manipulate you already helps. But sometimes it can be very difficult to deal with it anyway. We'll talk about how to defend yourself when confronted to manipulators in one of my next posts. But first I'd like to write about whether manipulators are evil or not. :-)
Highly conscious and aware individuals don't use manipulation. Most people aren't highly conscious and aware though, so chances are good that you do have contact with manipulators (or are one yourself).
******
What is manipulation?
Manipulation can take many forms: emotional blackmail (making you feel bad in case you don't do what is expected from you), flattering you or telling your things in order to make you do something specific, testing you, etc. In all cases, manipulators try to gain control over your feelings and/or behavior by playing in some way on your weaknesses.
The goal for them is to get what they want. When they are successful, you end up doing what they want, even if it is something you would not have chosen to do out of your free will.
For example, if you feel particularly proud and valuable when you are needed, someone knowing this can deliberately play victim in order to make you help them. If you secretly think that you are lazy and feel bad about that, and someone suggests that you'd be a lazy bum if you don't help them move on Saturday, chances are good that you will spend your Saturday carrying transport boxes.
Manipulators do or say certain things in order to influence your feelings in such a way that you react the way they want you to react. The manipulator usually says things in an indirect and subtle way. The underlying, unspoken message, which is what they're really telling you, is expressed between the lines, not in a clear and direct way. Manipulators don't say what they want openly. They insinuate, suggest and hint.
******
How does it work?
We all have buttons that hurt when pushed and an ego that loves to be flattered. Manipulators just play on those weaknesses.
I can see two major kinds of manipulation:
The carrot method
Tthis method flatters your ego and promises to fulfill your desires. The underlying, unspoken message is "If you do X, you'll be great/cool/a good person/the result will be to your advantage/, etc." So, since you want to be great, cool, a great person and all that, you do it, without even noticing that the decision wasn't entirely yours. Ideally, the promised "reward" is something important to you. That you will get this reward isn't said clearly though, it's just suggested. Just enough for you to understand it.
The stick method
This one uses negative feelings to get you where they want to have you. The underlying, unspoken message is "If you don't do X, you'll be an egoist/lazy/a bad son/unattractive/I won't love you anymore/you'll get fired/etc." The catastrophe they are implicitly threatening you with probably will be something you are afraid of. Again, they won't threaten openly. They'll just use insinuations. But you understand them, and since you are scared of getting fired or it hurts you not to be accepted anymore, you'll do it. You'll probably think that you made this choice yourself. Maybe it will be clear to you that you did it to avoid feeling bad - but actually the bad feelings were triggered on purpose.
The carrot and the stick are often used together, either simultaneously ("You would be such a nice buddy if you helped me move, and so lazy if you didn't") or sequentially ("You'd be a hero if you repaired my kitchen sink! What, you don't want to? You loser.")
The stick method is particularly nasty, unhealthy and harmful. It takes all freedom out of the situation and leaves you only with a no-win choice: either you do what they want, or you feel bad. This is emotional blackmail. It is an abusive behavior and can lead to emotional disorders.
There are other forms of manipulation, like testing (deliberately saying or doing something just to see how the other person will respond), or pulling (deliberately saying or doing something in order to get a desired response, but without really using the stick or the carrot method). Those might be non-aligned with integrity, however they're quite harmless so I will focus more on emotional blackmail in this post.
******
How do they do it?
As I said, the real message is not expressed directly. It can be camouflaged as the expression of an objective truth, a personal feeling, or a simple question. Let's say for example that your boss wants you to work overtime, and you refuse. Manipulative answers could be
"But how are we going to do without you?" (Real message: "You are letting us down, and the project might fail because of you"),
"I thought I could count on you" (Real message: "I am disappointed with you. You're not a good employee.")
"I understand... Go and have fun, we'll manage somehow! (with a sad or strained look)" (Real message: "You are an egoist.")
-> The first step to recognize manipulation is to ask yourself: what is really being said here?
Manipulation can be difficult to recognize because it happens mostly on a non-verbal level. When someone plays on your protector instinct to get your help by acting as a poor victim, for example, it's not necessarily what they say that makes you help them. It could be the body language which says "I'm such a poor victim with my bent shoulders and those large helpless eyes looking up to you... Will you be my savior?". And whoops, your ego steps in to show how great a knight you are.
-> Pay attention to body language. Ask yourself: what is being expressed non-verbally here?
A big part of the unspoken message is often expressed in very subtle ways. It might be the tone of the voice, a particular way to look at you, expressing certain feelings, or even the choice of the words that are used.
For example if you refuse to go to a family gathering, your mother could say "OK, I understand." - but with a cold look on her face. Real message: "I don't like it. You have to come." Or even "I don't love you anymore", depending on your relationship with your mother. Or she could say "OK, I understand." but with a suffering and sad face. Real message: "You're breaking your old mother's heart..." The goal here is to make you feel guilty.
-> Check whether the spoken words are congruent with the body language. If they're not, beware!
Aside from body language, what's often used by manipulators is humor. When your friend pressures you into helping him move on Saturday, he could suggest that you are lazy by simply making a joke about your spending your weekends like a couch-potato. This is very efficient and will make you feel bad - but it's very subtle since it was "just a joke", right?
-> Remember that nobody is ever really just kidding.
All these sneaky ways of communicating can make it very difficult to recognize that you are being manipulated. It happens mostly on the subconscious level. In many cases, it could all be perfectly innocent. When the manipulator plays on an issue that's very personal to you, it can even be difficult for someone else to perceive the manipulative aspect of what they say, because they don't know how it affects you. Nonetheless, the point is: they have you where they want to have you. Manipulation generally is a highly effective tactic.
******
How to recognize a manipulative situation?
Manipulation is not easy to recognize. Awareness is key here. When you're communicating with someone, stay aware of what's really going on.
If you are not sure whether you are being manipulated or not, check the following:
Are you feeling bad?
If you feel bad when communicating with someone, that's a sign that something is not flowing harmoniously. It does not necessarily mean that they're trying to manipulate you. They could be genuine yet trigger some negative feelings in you. But they could also be manipulating you. If you feel bad, this could be because you're resisting their manipulation attempts on a subconscious level.
Most especially: are you feeling blackmailed? Or put under pressure in some way? Or maybe overly flattered? Or do you feel like you are being trapped somehow? Does it feel like you have no other choice but doing or tolerating something?
All these are signs that you could be manipulated.
Are they being congruent?
Does what they are saying accurately reflect what they actually mean? What is really being said? What is the underlying, unspoken message? How directly is it being expressed?
What are they expressing non-verbally? Is this in alignment with the words they use?
Translate all verbal and non-verbal signals you're getting from them into one simple sentence. Is this what they are saying out loud? If not, beware.
Now look at this translation. (How) is this person trying to influence your feelings? (How) is this person trying to control your behavior or to make you do something?
Is the underlying message a carrot or a stick? Is it meant to flatter you, or to make you feel bad in some way? Does it try to make you feel guilty, ashamed, scared or otherwise faulty? Does it blackmail you? Is it abusive in some way? Is it threatening or insulting? Is it intrusive or disrespectful of your person or boundaries? If one of those is the case, even if the person appears to be friendly, your alarm bells should ring!
What do they want?
Manipulators want something. They can want you to take a certain action, but it might also be something else, like your energy, attention or love. Is there something that this person wants from you now?
This something that they want, do you want it? If you do it, will you regret it? Would you do it out of your free will if you had a choice?
If the answer is "no", but for some strange reason you're feeling compelled to do it anyway, or feeling bad for not doing it, beware! This smells like manipulation.
If you feel that someone flatters your ego, ask yourself: what do they want in return? Sometimes people say nice things and want nothing in return at all. But sometimes this is accompanied or followed by some kind of request. If you're not sure, listen to your gut feeling. A useful question to ask yourself is: would they still find you that great if you didn't do what they want?
How do they react to anti-manipulation techniques?
Ultimately, the best way to recognize manipulation is to apply some anti-manipulation technique and observe the result. Depending on the reaction you get, it will be clear. I'll talk about anti-manipulation techniques in a separate post.
******
How to spot potential manipulators?
Here are - in a very generalized way - some signs indicating that you could be dealing with a manipulator:
They don't respect your no.
Many manipulators just won't accept a no. They'll still try to convince you, win you over, intimidate or seduce you into doing it. This can be done in a very charming way, in an authoritarian way, in a teary way, in a cool way, or whatever other way. The fact remains that they are in truth not respecting your no.This should make your alarm bells ring. Always pay attention when someone refuses to hear no. Big red flag.
They don't respect your will.
Same as with a no but applicable to all kinds of other decisions as well. If someone does not accept your decisions, perk up your ears. Smelly orc in sight.
They don't respect your personal space.
This can happen on different levels: on the physical level (they come too close or they systematically imitate your posture), on the intellectual level (they either try to make you change your mind in a pushy way or adopt your every opinion as theirs), on the emotional level (they stick to you or always imitate your feelings), etc. This is no proof for manipulation but in my experience, people who disrespect other people's personal boundaries also often tend to use manipulation to get what they want.
They make you feel uncomfortable.
Manipulative people often make us feel uncomfortable "for no reason". Might seem irrational to you, but trust your intuition. Your gut knows. Your work is to listen to these feelings instead of discarding them if they're not rational.
They're not straightforward
While trying to manipulate you, of course manipulative people aren't being straightforward! That's how manipulation works. But in my experience they also tend not to be very straightforward people in a more general way. For example they could frequently repress their feelings instead of expressing them. Or when they do express themselves, this could happen in an indirect way, like saying "It's getting late" instead of "Time for you to go". There's nothing bad with being polite and subtle - just pay attention and check out if that's a recurrent pattern in this person's general communication style.
Do they make indirect suggestions instead of clearly asking for what they want? ("This box is so heavy!" instead of "Would you please help me carry this box?") Do they state their opinions in a direct way, or using allusions and hints? ("Do you want to come shopping clothes with me some day?" instead of "Your clothes look lame.") Do they express their feelings openly, or do they give you cryptic cues and expect you to get it? When you ask how they are, do they say "I'm okay" but look like they're attending a funeral, or do they say "I'm sad"?
All this in itself is no manipulation of course. It's just a sign that this person could be prone to using an over-average amount of manipulation in their communication.
******
Being able to notice that someone is trying to manipulate you already helps. But sometimes it can be very difficult to deal with it anyway. We'll talk about how to defend yourself when confronted to manipulators in one of my next posts. But first I'd like to write about whether manipulators are evil or not. :-)
Suscribirse a:
Entradas (Atom)