How To Not Be a Manipulator

What if the person you recognized as a manipulator is yourself? Don't beat yourself up, manipulators are not evil. If you would like to use more straightforward ways of communicating and getting what you want, here are a few tips for you.

Be Clear on What you Want

People who manipulate others usually use this technique because they want something. What is it that you want?

Define exactly what you want and say it out loud and clear.

Give yourself permission to want what you want. Your wishes and desires are legitimate and perfectly okay. Stand by them.

Sometimes, we want things from others when the person we actually should get them from is ourselves. I'm thinking especially of feelings like love, power, security or self-worth. These are available to us at all times by choice. What others give us can never replace what we are not getting from ourselves. In this case, we must find ways to connect with these energies on our own, instead of focusing on others.

Now if it is something we really want from someone else, then we'll have to ask for it.

Acknowledge your Fears

What pushes people to manipulate often is fear, especially fear of being rejected or not getting what they want if they openly asked for it. Asking for something can be scary.

What exactly are you afraid of?

If you asked, what is the very worst that could happen? And what would that mean about you?

I bet even the worst case is something you would survive, and chances are that the bad things it would mean about you exist only in your head. You are free to pick your beliefs. Maybe it is time to change your mindset, or to work on your fear of rejection or on your self-worth. There are also effective tools available to you to help you cope with your fear.

If nothing helps, feel the fear and do it anyway.

Ask for What you Want Openly


Ask for what you want. Be clear and direct. Stay polite of course, but don't sugarcoat it and don't beat around the bush. You can briefly explain why you want what you want, but do NOT

apologize
justify
put yourself down
flatter

It's perfectly natural and legitimate to ask for what you want, so act accordingly.

Women, forget about lady-like postures and submissive behaviors. Plant your two feet solidly into the ground, carrying your weight equally. Keep your back straight, head up and shoulders back. Look the other person straight into the eyes. Say what you want. It's your right.

Be Willing to Hear No


When someone says no to you, this decision is not directed against you. It's just a choice that they make about the thing you were asking for. Other people's choices don't say anything about your worth as a person. Don't take a no personally.

Your desires are legitimate, and it's your right to ask for what you want. It's also legitimate of the other person to set boundaries and their right to say no. Accept it.

If you have a problem with that, find ways to deal with your emotions and examine your beliefs. What does it mean about you if they say no? What about it hurts you? Learn to become invulnerable.

Detach from Other Manipulators

If you spot other manipulators around you, detach from them temporarily. Their communication patterns reinforce your old ones. It's smarter to surround yourself with very direct people for a while. You'll learn a lot just by talking with them.

Learning how to defend yourself against manipulation would be useful too.

You are loved. :-)