How To Not Be a Manipulator

What if the person you recognized as a manipulator is yourself? Don't beat yourself up, manipulators are not evil. If you would like to use more straightforward ways of communicating and getting what you want, here are a few tips for you.

Be Clear on What you Want

People who manipulate others usually use this technique because they want something. What is it that you want?

Define exactly what you want and say it out loud and clear.

Give yourself permission to want what you want. Your wishes and desires are legitimate and perfectly okay. Stand by them.

Sometimes, we want things from others when the person we actually should get them from is ourselves. I'm thinking especially of feelings like love, power, security or self-worth. These are available to us at all times by choice. What others give us can never replace what we are not getting from ourselves. In this case, we must find ways to connect with these energies on our own, instead of focusing on others.

Now if it is something we really want from someone else, then we'll have to ask for it.

Acknowledge your Fears

What pushes people to manipulate often is fear, especially fear of being rejected or not getting what they want if they openly asked for it. Asking for something can be scary.

What exactly are you afraid of?

If you asked, what is the very worst that could happen? And what would that mean about you?

I bet even the worst case is something you would survive, and chances are that the bad things it would mean about you exist only in your head. You are free to pick your beliefs. Maybe it is time to change your mindset, or to work on your fear of rejection or on your self-worth. There are also effective tools available to you to help you cope with your fear.

If nothing helps, feel the fear and do it anyway.

Ask for What you Want Openly


Ask for what you want. Be clear and direct. Stay polite of course, but don't sugarcoat it and don't beat around the bush. You can briefly explain why you want what you want, but do NOT

apologize
justify
put yourself down
flatter

It's perfectly natural and legitimate to ask for what you want, so act accordingly.

Women, forget about lady-like postures and submissive behaviors. Plant your two feet solidly into the ground, carrying your weight equally. Keep your back straight, head up and shoulders back. Look the other person straight into the eyes. Say what you want. It's your right.

Be Willing to Hear No


When someone says no to you, this decision is not directed against you. It's just a choice that they make about the thing you were asking for. Other people's choices don't say anything about your worth as a person. Don't take a no personally.

Your desires are legitimate, and it's your right to ask for what you want. It's also legitimate of the other person to set boundaries and their right to say no. Accept it.

If you have a problem with that, find ways to deal with your emotions and examine your beliefs. What does it mean about you if they say no? What about it hurts you? Learn to become invulnerable.

Detach from Other Manipulators

If you spot other manipulators around you, detach from them temporarily. Their communication patterns reinforce your old ones. It's smarter to surround yourself with very direct people for a while. You'll learn a lot just by talking with them.

Learning how to defend yourself against manipulation would be useful too.

You are loved. :-)

Verbal Self-Defense Techniques

In my last post, I said that being different often means taking flak. I shared some tips on how to become invulnerable to it. Now I feel inspired to share some techniques that can help you to cope with verbal aggressions. This is the art of taking flak elegantly.

Verbal punches can be anything from insults and yelling, aggressive comments or reproaches to demeaning "jokes" or subtle, nasty insinuations. (Note: To defend yourself specifically against manipulators, see here.)

Just like in martial arts, on the verbal level there are different ways to react to a punch. For example you can hit back, avoid it, bring your opponent out of balance, etc. Here are my favorite verbal kung fu tricks!

Hitting Back (or Blocking and Hitting Back, or Hitting Faster)


I won't even go there! This might give our ego a short-term sense of satisfaction and pride, but it solves nothing, on the contrary. Aggression is disharmony. Hitting back only propagates more disharmony. More disharmony cannot heal disharmony.

We are all one. Someone attacking you is like your right hand pinching your left hand. Your left hand can grab a hammer and crush your right forefinger with it. But then both hands are hurting, and what good does it do?

Ignoring

When you sit inside a tank and someone throws a rotten tomato at you, you can just ignore it.  So if you are as invulnerable as a tank, you don't need to react to verbal attacks at all. Just ignore them! After all, it's just the other person struggling with their own issues. This results in them lashing out at you, but doesn't truly have anything to do with you.

However, if the punch does affect you, don't ignore it! Feigning indifference when you really are upset will only put you in a very weak position. They will notice it's fake.

Hugging

When someone tries to hit you, you can hug them. Feeling attacked, in itself, implies feeling vulnerable and separated from others. That is your choice. Let's switch your perspective! You are not being attacked. You are a powerful, shining soul, connected to all others. You currently experience some disharmony in your consciousness, which manifests as people doing you the favor to seemingly be affronting you. The answer is to  love and heal the disharmony inside and outside.

This can mean physically hugging them, or simply saying something nice to them. Pay them a compliment!

The Compliment Method:

Opponent: You are late again! Are you too deaf to hear your alarm clock?
You: Hi, I am happy to see you. You look great today. :-)

Do this only if you feel genuinely loving towards them and truly feel like paying them a compliment. You can use the compliment technique when you don't mean it, but then it is sarcastic and falls under the "hitting back" category, where we don't want to go!

Practicing forgiveness and love towards those who lash out at you is very powerful. If someone upsets you, sit down and send some love to them. List four things you love about them. Visualize four good things happening to them. (No, burning in hell is not a good thing...) Do the same with yourself. Sit down and send some love to yourself. List four things you love about yourself and visualize four good things happening to you. Smile at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself that you approve of yourself.

Pulling

Okay, all that is nice, but we are not Jesus. We're human. Sometimes we're not invulnerable enough to ignore a mean comment, and not loving and forgiving enough to say something kind in return without being a hypocrite. What to do in such a case?

The Agreement Method:

This technique is like pulling their arm even more when they hit you, so that they fall on their nose.

Just agree with what they are saying. Wanting to be right is an ego thing. There is no right and wrong. We each have our very own perception of this 3D reality, that reflects our consciousness. If they perceive it this way, then it is true. For them. If you switch perspectives, I'm sure you can even see how it could be true for you too in some way. Acknowledge that their point of view is valid.

Opponent: You are so lazy!
You: I agree. :-) I can see that in me.

or

Opponent: I'm fed up with correcting your mistakes.
You: Absolutely. Correcting other people's mistakes must be really annoying for you. :-)

The Exaggeration Method:

You can even exaggerate your agreement in a playful way to bring some humor into the situation. (No sarcasm, just humor, with a big smile please!)

Opponent: Your idea is crap.
You: I so agree! It is totally shitty, I must have been on acid when I had it. It should get a prize for the crappiest idea in the world. :D

Your agreeing will confuse them and leave them helpless. It's difficult to keep seriously beating someone up who does not offer any resistance. I mean verbally, of course. Physically it's a different thing.

The Satisfaction Method

You can even be proud of it!

Opponent: Ugh, you're totally hairy!
You: Yes, like a wookie! I'm glad you noticed. Wookies are so sexy! :D

Dodging

Instead of pulling their arm, you can get out of the way and avoid their punch.

The Changing the Subject Method:

Opponent: I can't believe you are being so immature!
You: Ah. This reminds me that last week, I saw a very nice pair of boots at the mall. I wonder if I should buy them?

Please note that this method is NOT about pretending you haven't heard the comment and just talking about something else. You do acknowledge that you have very well heard and understood what they said - and you look straight into their eyes, and you deliberately talk about something else. Preferably something that is neither charged with conflict nor important. Like boots.

Aggressive people, when they attack you, want conflict and negativity. It resonates with them. For some it can even be an addiction. This method clearly signals to them: "I won't go there with you." while still being peaceful.

Taking the Punches like a Rock

When you hit a rock, usually, it hurts. And the rock won't move. I can see two verbal implementations for that:

The Repetition Method

It consists of repeating what they said, then add "and", and repeat what you want or don't want. It might not sound very logical, but it's effective. If there is nothing appropriate that you want or don't want, insert "I love myself" or "life is great".

Opponent: You never think!
You: I never think, and I love myself. :-)

or

You: Would you please get out of the way?
Opponent: Fuck you!
You: You fuck me, and I want you to get out of the way. (Said without aggressiveness)

Note: This method is great if you want to assert yourself and get something! Just keep repeating both their counter-arguments and what you want until they give up.

The Appreciation Method

Simply express appreciation for their effort to talk with you and for being such a perfect mirror of your consciousness.

Opponent: You're totally gay!
You: Interesting. I appreciate your feedback.

or

Opponent: You do it all wrong!
You: I'm glad we talked about it.

Confusing

My favorite one!

You can also confuse your adversary! That's like performing some funny moves, waving some colorful flags around and whoops, making them lose their balance. My favorite way of doing this is to use...

The Proverb Method:

Opponent: You idiot!
You: Like they say, an apple a day keeps the doctor away! (Forefinger up)


or

Opponent: Looks like you ate a bit too much over the holidays, huh?
You: All roads lead to Rome. (Wise nodding)


Of course, the whole point is to choose a proverb that does not make any sense! So, don't use the apple proverb to reply to the overeating comment, for example. It must not fit. Also don't use proverbs that could be interpreted as aggressive, such as "He laughs best who laughs last" or the like.

But I won't win the argument this way!


No, you won't. :-)

The point is not to win the argument. It's to fend attacks off without giving in to the negativity your opponents are trying to build up. Without arguing, without getting hurt, without getting angry, without feeding the conflict. These techniques allow you to remain poised and escape playfully. Nothing forces you to see verbal affronts as something to be taken seriously!

Besides, if you apply these techniques, there's no way they can win the argument either.

But I will just make a fool out of myself!

What others think about you is none of your business. It's not important whether they think you are a fool, right, wrong, a genius, or whatever. What's important is that they have no chance in a verbal fight against you. :-)

What if they continue anyway?

Continue as well. Pick the same method or another one and keep going until they give up. They will quickly grow weary of being confronted with a bunch of insane answers.

Example

- Come with me to the party on Saturday.
- No, thanks.
- Why not?
- I don't like loud parties.
- You could do it for me!
- I could do it for you, and I don't want to.
- You are such an egoist!
- You look great in this shirt today. :-)
- Come on! You never do anything with me that I like!
- Ah. This reminds me of the eBook on Linux shell commands that I am writing. I wonder if I should include bash scripting.
- Don't change the subject! We never go out together! You are just boring!
- I'm glad we talked about it.
- You are such a jerk.
- Yeah, my grandmother always says: one swallow doesn't make the summer!
- What are you talking about??
- I love you. :-)

And so on. They will just get nowhere this way (unless they switch to a healthier communication style).
-
Happy fighting! ;-)

-

Choosing Who you Spend your Time with is Not a Love Issue

One of the beliefs I recently shared as a part of a successful mindset in social situations is that whether you choose to spend time with someone or not has nothing to do with how much you love them. It is a strategic time-management choice, not a love issue. Let's elaborate.

Some people associate loving someone, both in a romantic or non-romantic way, with wanting to spend time with this person. They also associate not spending any time with someone with not loving them.

I don't subscribe to this point of view. In my opinion, loving someone does not imply in any way that I spend time with them. And not spending time with someone does not imply in any way that I don't love them. There are people that I love and chose to throw out of my life completely. There are also lots of people that I love, yet never or almost never spend any time with. I don't love these people any less than those other people that I do choose to spend my time with. It is not a love issue.
******

Why is it a time-management issue?

When we have a specific goal, or when we simply grow and feel like bringing some new energy into our life, we tend to surround ourselves with people who already have reached that goal or already radiate this energy that we want. This can be done consciously, as a smart move. But most of the time, it just happens naturally. We automatically feel drawn to these people, maybe without even knowing why. It's only logical: they already have what we want. Their energy feels attractive to us because that's what we're looking for.

Such an intuitive attraction to these people is a good thing. By spending time with them, we learn from them. Most of all, over time our energy adjusts to theirs. They rub off on us.

Some of the people we love might not be in that place that we want to be in, or not radiate this energy that we want more of. We then tend to lose interest in spending too much time with them. This is natural. Their energy is not what we are looking for.

We might even feel that spending time with them holds us back. We influence each other energetically. The more we engage with someone, the more this reinforces the energies inside of us that resonate with their energy. It is difficult to create something new if our old energetic state is permanently being reinforced by the people we surround ourselves with.

Since we can only devote a limited amount of time to socializing, spending time with those people that we want to learn from vs. those that are no energetic match for us at this time is a time-management choice.
******

Why is it not a love issue?

Choosing not to spend our time with someone does not mean that we don't love them. It simply means that our energies are not very compatible at the moment.

An immediate example that comes to mind are smelly orcs who are abusive, violent, manipulative, or otherwise harmful to you. Kicking those out of your life is an elementary self-protection measure. Does it mean you should stop loving them? Certainly not. Everybody is lovable, including smelly orcs (or killers). You can love them, yet stop associating with them. You will still be connected to them whether you talk to them or not. You can send love to them, include them in your prayers if you do pray, have loving feelings towards them, and not talk to them. Why not?

Does choosing not to engage (too much) with someone mean that they are "not good enough" or "less lovable"? No, not at all. All energies are perfectly fine. Just because you want to create something specific does not mean that everything else is bad or wrong in any way.

For example, let's say that consciously or subconsciously you want to bring more authority into your life. I am all about love, compassion, oneness, kindness and so on. Maybe courage as well, but certainly not authority. Would it be smart of you to spend a lot of time with me? Noooo. Go away! Go see Steve Pavlina instead. You'll probably feel much more drawn to him than to me anyway.

If you feel strongly drawn to Steve and want to spend time with him instead of with me,

does it mean that I am less worthy or less interesting than Steve? No. It's just different energies. Your choice is based on what you want to create in your life and whom you feel intuitively drawn to. There is no space for judgment in that matter.
Does it mean that you don't love me? No. You can very well love me and spend your time with someone else. This is no contradiction.
Does it mean that you should feel guilty for shunning my company? No. Your spending your time with someone else simply shows that I don't radiate the energy that you feel attracted to right now. This means nothing bad about me. And, if I have a life outside of you, which should be the case anyway, then I do perfectly fine with or without you.

******

Why is associating love with spending time together a crappy idea?

Choosing to spend your time with the people you are already used to and clinging to them no matter what out of sentimentalism, even though you would naturally feel more drawn to other people, puts you into a place of resistance that will block you in your growth. Choosing to dissociate love from spending time together allows you to go your own path without disconnecting emotionally from others. Disconnection creates suffering.

Associating love with spending time together makes love conditional and kills its beauty. Like, "if you love me, you will spend time with me.". Ugh. Where's the freedom? If the people you love also love you, they want the best for you. If the best for you is to spend your time with someone else, they will accept it. Expecting someone to spend time with you if they love you is not loving them. It's your ego trying to possess and control them. Which is impossible.

Spending time with people because you feel that you should do so if you love them, or in order not to hurt them, is highly disrespectful both towards yourself and towards them. How could that be love?

Just two days ago, I had a chat with a friend of mine. He walked away, saying that he couldn't stand my energy. I really like that! I appreciate his honesty and his ability to make clear choices for himself. That is admirable. I also very much appreciate that he trusts me to be able to deal with him walking away without taking responsibility for my feelings. I don't feel less loved by him now. On the contrary.
******

Let's be flexible!

Relationships can smoothly fade in and out of our lives and in again, depending on how we resonate with each other at any given time. We stay connected at all times anyway. All this only becomes a drama when the ego steps in and considers it an intolerable insult that someone else would be "preferred" over ourselves.

People change. The ones that are not compatible with you right now can become a good energetic match for you in the future. They can evolve and start radiating different energies. You can evolve and suddenly feel attracted to their energy. Or both of this can happen. One never knows.

And what if someone's energy never becomes compatible with yours again? Well, so be it. Let them go in peace. You can love each other and not have any contact in this lifetime. Trust your loved ones to be fine without you in their physical life.
******

What does love mean to you?

The above is just how I see it. If you think that loving someone has to imply spending time with them, or that if someone does not spend any time with you, they don't really love you, ask yourself what loving someone truly means to you.

Does it come from your soul or from your ego?

Is it love, or is it fear and attachment?

What are the conditions for you to believe that someone loves you?

What does it imply for you to love someone?

And does any of the above necessarily require that you spend time together?

How To Defend Yourself Against Manipulators

Want to be able to defend yourself against manipulators? Here is what my experience has taught me about this topic.

Develop Awareness

To defend yourself against manipulators, you first need to recognize them as such. It can be very difficult to notice manipulation, as it is usually subtle. This is especially true for those who grew up in an abusive environment or surrounded by manipulative people. They're so used to it that they don't even realize this is not as it should be.

Here are some tips on recognizing manipulators.

At first, don't try to defend yourself yet. Just observe what they're telling you, verbally and non-verbally. Identify the subtext. Get clear about what's really going on, both inside of you and between you and the manipulator.

Once you have a clear awareness of the situation, you can act.

Gain Distance

Remember that manipulation is often unconscious and sometimes a way of coping with some problem, for example diverse fears. Even when it is conscious, it's just a choice that someone else makes. Other people's choices have nothing to do with you as a person.

I know that being manipulated is a pain in the ass, especially when they try to make you feel bad in order to control you - just remember that this is not really about you personally. Their goal is to get something, but it is not to harm you. You're collateral damage. So, don't take it personally.

Disengage

Manipulators are the kind of smelly orcs that can make your social life tedious and foul. If it's a spouse, family member, coworker, or any other person that you are not ready or willing to let go of, you'll have to learn how to deal with them. If you can avoid them, though, just say bye. In my experience this is way more efficient.

However, you cannot spend your time running away from manipulators. You need to work on your mindset anyway. If you attracted them once, chances are good that you have some holes in your armor. Those holes will attract more of them, no matter how far away you flee. So, avoid them - and invest the time and energy that you save by avoiding them in working on yourself.

Improve Mindset

The more you're powerful in your head, the more you become immune against manipulators. Your mindset is key.  I cannot stress enough how important that is. So, if you want to defend yourself against manipulators, absolutely work on that. Here are some tips on how to build a healthy anti-manipulation mindset.

Learn Techniques

Optionally, you can learn anti-manipulation techniques. If your mindset is strong, you won't really need them, but when you're just starting and still insecure, they can be very useful. Especially the translator method helped me a lot in the past. I highly recommend it.

Ideally, practice them first with a trusted friend, outside of real manipulative situations. Do some role playing, one playing the manipulator, the other one the technique user. Try out different techniques and different scenarios. Then switch roles. This way, when it really happens, you'll be prepared and have a knee-jerk reaction.

Talk Straight

Way more than techniques, what I recommend is to step completely out of the subtle manipulation game and to play with open cards. Be direct. Remember that manipulators always want something. So, when you spot one, ask them "What is it that you want?".

You can also ask them "How do you feel about this situation?". And, remembering that manipulators often use manipulation out of fear, you can ask "What is it that you are afraid of?".

You can see manipulators as enemies out to get you, abuse you and control you, and hit back. But this creates separation. You can also choose oneness and compassion. The manipulation itself is just their way of expressing themselves. Instead of getting hung up on it, you can go directly to the meat of the matter by asking them what exactly they want.

Give them an opportunity to express themselves openly in a safe environment. Often they simply have never learned that. Listen to them. You can also explain what exactly you want and try together to find a solution that makes both happy.

If they realize that their expressing their wishes directly is taken seriously, welcomed in a non-judgmental way and actually brings good results, it will be much easier for them to let go of manipulation as a way of getting what they want.

Take care to stay focused on finding a solution though. Listening doesn't mean playing psychotherapist or giving them lots of energy by listening and listening and listening! This would be too draining for you.

Keep Going

Take your time, observe, prepare yourself... but once you've started defending yourself, be consistent. Mixed messages teach others to continue with their abusive behavior. So, don't oscillate between standing your ground and falling back into victimizing yourself. That's not healthy. Whether you use anti-manipulation techniques or just talk straight with them, continue with it in a consistent way until they don't try to manipulate you anymore.

When you suddenly start defending yourself, at first they'll try harder than ever! So, be prepared for an increased fire. But at some point, sooner or later, they will realize that it just doesn't work this way anymore, and give up.

They will let go of their manipulative behaviors and learn other ways to communicate what they want, and the relationship will become a good bit healthier. If they're not able or willing to do that, the relationship will probably break.

Leave

In case really nothing helps, and no matter how open you are to straightforward and honest communication, no matter how consistently you block their manipulation, they just keep doing it... Or even respond by creating lots of drama... Leave.

I know this can be very difficult, but your first duty in this life is to take care of yourself.

Some people are just not able, ready, or willing to stop manipulating others. Some are just too blocked in their own personal development. It's not your job to compensate for that. In the long run, you're not doing them a favor by accepting their behavior.

There are also people who have an unconscious and compulsive need to create negativity in others in order to feed off it. These people will never stop with their abusive ways. Run.

Good luck! :-)

Do You Love Killers?

Hi all,

I was asked a couple wonderful questions! In my previous post I wrote that for me, there are no strangers, because I believe that we are all one Consciousness, and all permanently connected with each other.

Question: When you have the belief that "Everyone is my friend, there are no strangers", what about people you don't like?

My take on this:

There are people I don't like. When I'm being honest, I realize it has nothing to do with them, and everything to do with me. I don't like them

because I'm judging them or part of them in some way
or because I see in them something I don't like about myself (again, because I'm judging myself or part of myself for that)
or because I'm scared of them in some way (and this too is a consequence of judging either them or the situation)

Basically, it's always about judging, them or myself, with or without fear as a consequence.

My answer to this is present moment awareness. When I'm judging, it means I'm not being present. When you're being present, you cannot possibly judge. To judge, you need to label things. You need to give them a name, a value, a "good" or "bad" tag, to think of consequences they might have in the future or in the past, and so on. It's impossible to do this when you're being totally focused on here and now.

Therefore, a high present moment awareness means no judging, and no judging means I can't dislike anyone, because I dislike people on the basis of some judgment. So when I notice that I don't like someone, putting myself immediately back into a state of presence solves the problem.

What also helps is to ask myself what it is exactly that disturbs me about the person I don't like. If it's fear, I face that fear and shine Love on it. If I'm judging them or seeing in them something that I judge myself for, I practice Acceptance. I remind myself of the fact that there is no right and wrong, that all choices are valid and that everything is perfect the way it is.

I also work on loving all that is unconditionally. Since we are all One, all manifestations of one Consciousness, those I don't like are aspects of this Consciousness: parts of myself. It doesn't make sense to hate some parts of myself and to reject them because they're not as I want them to be. This would only create disharmony, separation and fear, and harm the whole system.

Instead, I practice loving all of myself unconditionally, both internally and externally as other people and the world around me. I especially send Love to those I don't like. I think accepting and loving them instead of resisting them has a healing effect, on me, on them, on the world.

I see not liking someone as disconnecting. When I'm being fully present and connected, I love everybody. My goal is to make this my permanent way of being. I'm not there yet but on my way. I'm convinced that if everybody were fully present and connected all the time, there would be no such thing on this planet as not liking someone.

Question: What about people you've met and decided you don't want to associate with them for one reason or another? Do you still feel they are your friend, or does that belief "Every stranger is my friend" holds true until you've gotten to know the stranger and decided that stranger is not someone you want to be friends with?

My take on this:

It happens that I decide, for some reason, not to associate or not to spend much time with someone. However, this doesn't mean I don't love them. Loving someone does not mean that I have to spend a lot of time with them, it does not even mean that I have to communicate with them at all.

There are people I love dearly, but have decided not to meet again. There are people who have chosen to leave my life. There are people I'm simply not interested in spending time with for some reason. I love all of those people though and feel one with them. I send Love to them. Just because we can't be together in this lifetime doesn't mean I have to disconnect from them! Why on earth would I??

Choosing not to associate with someone is no personal attack, it's no rejection either. It's a time-management choice. You can make this choice from a place of Love and still feel loving and connected towards those you don't spend time with.

Question: Even with killers and toxic people?

My take on this:

Toxic people are never toxic because of what they are, they're toxic because of what you are. Only what resonates with you on some level can affect you. So if someone influences you negatively, drains your energy, makes you feel bad, etc, then their "toxic" part resonates with something inside of you in some way. If one person's toxicity totally does not resonate with you, you won't be affected by it. When you become so strong that you don't resonate with some person's toxicity, then this person is not toxic to you anymore. No matter how negative she is, it won't affect you.

Which means that toxic persons are wonderful opportunities to grow. Solution: check what, inside of you, resonates with this person's negativity and work on yourself. If you don't feel strong enough to spend time with this person while simulatneously trying to change yourself, because contact with this person would reinforce the part of you that resonates with their toxicity, then you can of course choose to temporarily not associate with them. But that's not a reason to disconnect.

Same with killers. If you think it's better for your personal security not to meet a sadistic serial killer in person, don't. As I said above, loving someone does not mean you have to spend time with them. I can see no reason to disconnect though. Protecting yourself does not require that you reject others and disconnect from them.

There's a big difference between disconnecting from someone, saying "You are someone else. I don't love you, you're not my friend, go away", which is turning your back to Love and negating that we are all one, thus fragmenting yourself - and simply choosing not to concretely spend time with someone, while still loving them and feeling deeply connected with them.

Everybody is lovable, no matter what they do. There's absolutely no reason not to love everybody. Why would you turn your back on a part of the Universe and disconnect from it?

One reason I can see is judgment. You see "them" as separate from "you" and want to punish them for doing something you think is "bad" or "wrong", like killing or draining you. That's your mind judging them. When you're being present, such a thing doesn't happen.

That's how I see it. What do you think? :-)