Verbal Self-Defense Techniques

In my last post, I said that being different often means taking flak. I shared some tips on how to become invulnerable to it. Now I feel inspired to share some techniques that can help you to cope with verbal aggressions. This is the art of taking flak elegantly.

Verbal punches can be anything from insults and yelling, aggressive comments or reproaches to demeaning "jokes" or subtle, nasty insinuations. (Note: To defend yourself specifically against manipulators, see here.)

Just like in martial arts, on the verbal level there are different ways to react to a punch. For example you can hit back, avoid it, bring your opponent out of balance, etc. Here are my favorite verbal kung fu tricks!

Hitting Back (or Blocking and Hitting Back, or Hitting Faster)


I won't even go there! This might give our ego a short-term sense of satisfaction and pride, but it solves nothing, on the contrary. Aggression is disharmony. Hitting back only propagates more disharmony. More disharmony cannot heal disharmony.

We are all one. Someone attacking you is like your right hand pinching your left hand. Your left hand can grab a hammer and crush your right forefinger with it. But then both hands are hurting, and what good does it do?

Ignoring

When you sit inside a tank and someone throws a rotten tomato at you, you can just ignore it.  So if you are as invulnerable as a tank, you don't need to react to verbal attacks at all. Just ignore them! After all, it's just the other person struggling with their own issues. This results in them lashing out at you, but doesn't truly have anything to do with you.

However, if the punch does affect you, don't ignore it! Feigning indifference when you really are upset will only put you in a very weak position. They will notice it's fake.

Hugging

When someone tries to hit you, you can hug them. Feeling attacked, in itself, implies feeling vulnerable and separated from others. That is your choice. Let's switch your perspective! You are not being attacked. You are a powerful, shining soul, connected to all others. You currently experience some disharmony in your consciousness, which manifests as people doing you the favor to seemingly be affronting you. The answer is to  love and heal the disharmony inside and outside.

This can mean physically hugging them, or simply saying something nice to them. Pay them a compliment!

The Compliment Method:

Opponent: You are late again! Are you too deaf to hear your alarm clock?
You: Hi, I am happy to see you. You look great today. :-)

Do this only if you feel genuinely loving towards them and truly feel like paying them a compliment. You can use the compliment technique when you don't mean it, but then it is sarcastic and falls under the "hitting back" category, where we don't want to go!

Practicing forgiveness and love towards those who lash out at you is very powerful. If someone upsets you, sit down and send some love to them. List four things you love about them. Visualize four good things happening to them. (No, burning in hell is not a good thing...) Do the same with yourself. Sit down and send some love to yourself. List four things you love about yourself and visualize four good things happening to you. Smile at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself that you approve of yourself.

Pulling

Okay, all that is nice, but we are not Jesus. We're human. Sometimes we're not invulnerable enough to ignore a mean comment, and not loving and forgiving enough to say something kind in return without being a hypocrite. What to do in such a case?

The Agreement Method:

This technique is like pulling their arm even more when they hit you, so that they fall on their nose.

Just agree with what they are saying. Wanting to be right is an ego thing. There is no right and wrong. We each have our very own perception of this 3D reality, that reflects our consciousness. If they perceive it this way, then it is true. For them. If you switch perspectives, I'm sure you can even see how it could be true for you too in some way. Acknowledge that their point of view is valid.

Opponent: You are so lazy!
You: I agree. :-) I can see that in me.

or

Opponent: I'm fed up with correcting your mistakes.
You: Absolutely. Correcting other people's mistakes must be really annoying for you. :-)

The Exaggeration Method:

You can even exaggerate your agreement in a playful way to bring some humor into the situation. (No sarcasm, just humor, with a big smile please!)

Opponent: Your idea is crap.
You: I so agree! It is totally shitty, I must have been on acid when I had it. It should get a prize for the crappiest idea in the world. :D

Your agreeing will confuse them and leave them helpless. It's difficult to keep seriously beating someone up who does not offer any resistance. I mean verbally, of course. Physically it's a different thing.

The Satisfaction Method

You can even be proud of it!

Opponent: Ugh, you're totally hairy!
You: Yes, like a wookie! I'm glad you noticed. Wookies are so sexy! :D

Dodging

Instead of pulling their arm, you can get out of the way and avoid their punch.

The Changing the Subject Method:

Opponent: I can't believe you are being so immature!
You: Ah. This reminds me that last week, I saw a very nice pair of boots at the mall. I wonder if I should buy them?

Please note that this method is NOT about pretending you haven't heard the comment and just talking about something else. You do acknowledge that you have very well heard and understood what they said - and you look straight into their eyes, and you deliberately talk about something else. Preferably something that is neither charged with conflict nor important. Like boots.

Aggressive people, when they attack you, want conflict and negativity. It resonates with them. For some it can even be an addiction. This method clearly signals to them: "I won't go there with you." while still being peaceful.

Taking the Punches like a Rock

When you hit a rock, usually, it hurts. And the rock won't move. I can see two verbal implementations for that:

The Repetition Method

It consists of repeating what they said, then add "and", and repeat what you want or don't want. It might not sound very logical, but it's effective. If there is nothing appropriate that you want or don't want, insert "I love myself" or "life is great".

Opponent: You never think!
You: I never think, and I love myself. :-)

or

You: Would you please get out of the way?
Opponent: Fuck you!
You: You fuck me, and I want you to get out of the way. (Said without aggressiveness)

Note: This method is great if you want to assert yourself and get something! Just keep repeating both their counter-arguments and what you want until they give up.

The Appreciation Method

Simply express appreciation for their effort to talk with you and for being such a perfect mirror of your consciousness.

Opponent: You're totally gay!
You: Interesting. I appreciate your feedback.

or

Opponent: You do it all wrong!
You: I'm glad we talked about it.

Confusing

My favorite one!

You can also confuse your adversary! That's like performing some funny moves, waving some colorful flags around and whoops, making them lose their balance. My favorite way of doing this is to use...

The Proverb Method:

Opponent: You idiot!
You: Like they say, an apple a day keeps the doctor away! (Forefinger up)


or

Opponent: Looks like you ate a bit too much over the holidays, huh?
You: All roads lead to Rome. (Wise nodding)


Of course, the whole point is to choose a proverb that does not make any sense! So, don't use the apple proverb to reply to the overeating comment, for example. It must not fit. Also don't use proverbs that could be interpreted as aggressive, such as "He laughs best who laughs last" or the like.

But I won't win the argument this way!


No, you won't. :-)

The point is not to win the argument. It's to fend attacks off without giving in to the negativity your opponents are trying to build up. Without arguing, without getting hurt, without getting angry, without feeding the conflict. These techniques allow you to remain poised and escape playfully. Nothing forces you to see verbal affronts as something to be taken seriously!

Besides, if you apply these techniques, there's no way they can win the argument either.

But I will just make a fool out of myself!

What others think about you is none of your business. It's not important whether they think you are a fool, right, wrong, a genius, or whatever. What's important is that they have no chance in a verbal fight against you. :-)

What if they continue anyway?

Continue as well. Pick the same method or another one and keep going until they give up. They will quickly grow weary of being confronted with a bunch of insane answers.

Example

- Come with me to the party on Saturday.
- No, thanks.
- Why not?
- I don't like loud parties.
- You could do it for me!
- I could do it for you, and I don't want to.
- You are such an egoist!
- You look great in this shirt today. :-)
- Come on! You never do anything with me that I like!
- Ah. This reminds me of the eBook on Linux shell commands that I am writing. I wonder if I should include bash scripting.
- Don't change the subject! We never go out together! You are just boring!
- I'm glad we talked about it.
- You are such a jerk.
- Yeah, my grandmother always says: one swallow doesn't make the summer!
- What are you talking about??
- I love you. :-)

And so on. They will just get nowhere this way (unless they switch to a healthier communication style).
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Happy fighting! ;-)

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