Verbal Self-Defense Techniques

In my last post, I said that being different often means taking flak. I shared some tips on how to become invulnerable to it. Now I feel inspired to share some techniques that can help you to cope with verbal aggressions. This is the art of taking flak elegantly.

Verbal punches can be anything from insults and yelling, aggressive comments or reproaches to demeaning "jokes" or subtle, nasty insinuations. (Note: To defend yourself specifically against manipulators, see here.)

Just like in martial arts, on the verbal level there are different ways to react to a punch. For example you can hit back, avoid it, bring your opponent out of balance, etc. Here are my favorite verbal kung fu tricks!

Hitting Back (or Blocking and Hitting Back, or Hitting Faster)


I won't even go there! This might give our ego a short-term sense of satisfaction and pride, but it solves nothing, on the contrary. Aggression is disharmony. Hitting back only propagates more disharmony. More disharmony cannot heal disharmony.

We are all one. Someone attacking you is like your right hand pinching your left hand. Your left hand can grab a hammer and crush your right forefinger with it. But then both hands are hurting, and what good does it do?

Ignoring

When you sit inside a tank and someone throws a rotten tomato at you, you can just ignore it.  So if you are as invulnerable as a tank, you don't need to react to verbal attacks at all. Just ignore them! After all, it's just the other person struggling with their own issues. This results in them lashing out at you, but doesn't truly have anything to do with you.

However, if the punch does affect you, don't ignore it! Feigning indifference when you really are upset will only put you in a very weak position. They will notice it's fake.

Hugging

When someone tries to hit you, you can hug them. Feeling attacked, in itself, implies feeling vulnerable and separated from others. That is your choice. Let's switch your perspective! You are not being attacked. You are a powerful, shining soul, connected to all others. You currently experience some disharmony in your consciousness, which manifests as people doing you the favor to seemingly be affronting you. The answer is to  love and heal the disharmony inside and outside.

This can mean physically hugging them, or simply saying something nice to them. Pay them a compliment!

The Compliment Method:

Opponent: You are late again! Are you too deaf to hear your alarm clock?
You: Hi, I am happy to see you. You look great today. :-)

Do this only if you feel genuinely loving towards them and truly feel like paying them a compliment. You can use the compliment technique when you don't mean it, but then it is sarcastic and falls under the "hitting back" category, where we don't want to go!

Practicing forgiveness and love towards those who lash out at you is very powerful. If someone upsets you, sit down and send some love to them. List four things you love about them. Visualize four good things happening to them. (No, burning in hell is not a good thing...) Do the same with yourself. Sit down and send some love to yourself. List four things you love about yourself and visualize four good things happening to you. Smile at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself that you approve of yourself.

Pulling

Okay, all that is nice, but we are not Jesus. We're human. Sometimes we're not invulnerable enough to ignore a mean comment, and not loving and forgiving enough to say something kind in return without being a hypocrite. What to do in such a case?

The Agreement Method:

This technique is like pulling their arm even more when they hit you, so that they fall on their nose.

Just agree with what they are saying. Wanting to be right is an ego thing. There is no right and wrong. We each have our very own perception of this 3D reality, that reflects our consciousness. If they perceive it this way, then it is true. For them. If you switch perspectives, I'm sure you can even see how it could be true for you too in some way. Acknowledge that their point of view is valid.

Opponent: You are so lazy!
You: I agree. :-) I can see that in me.

or

Opponent: I'm fed up with correcting your mistakes.
You: Absolutely. Correcting other people's mistakes must be really annoying for you. :-)

The Exaggeration Method:

You can even exaggerate your agreement in a playful way to bring some humor into the situation. (No sarcasm, just humor, with a big smile please!)

Opponent: Your idea is crap.
You: I so agree! It is totally shitty, I must have been on acid when I had it. It should get a prize for the crappiest idea in the world. :D

Your agreeing will confuse them and leave them helpless. It's difficult to keep seriously beating someone up who does not offer any resistance. I mean verbally, of course. Physically it's a different thing.

The Satisfaction Method

You can even be proud of it!

Opponent: Ugh, you're totally hairy!
You: Yes, like a wookie! I'm glad you noticed. Wookies are so sexy! :D

Dodging

Instead of pulling their arm, you can get out of the way and avoid their punch.

The Changing the Subject Method:

Opponent: I can't believe you are being so immature!
You: Ah. This reminds me that last week, I saw a very nice pair of boots at the mall. I wonder if I should buy them?

Please note that this method is NOT about pretending you haven't heard the comment and just talking about something else. You do acknowledge that you have very well heard and understood what they said - and you look straight into their eyes, and you deliberately talk about something else. Preferably something that is neither charged with conflict nor important. Like boots.

Aggressive people, when they attack you, want conflict and negativity. It resonates with them. For some it can even be an addiction. This method clearly signals to them: "I won't go there with you." while still being peaceful.

Taking the Punches like a Rock

When you hit a rock, usually, it hurts. And the rock won't move. I can see two verbal implementations for that:

The Repetition Method

It consists of repeating what they said, then add "and", and repeat what you want or don't want. It might not sound very logical, but it's effective. If there is nothing appropriate that you want or don't want, insert "I love myself" or "life is great".

Opponent: You never think!
You: I never think, and I love myself. :-)

or

You: Would you please get out of the way?
Opponent: Fuck you!
You: You fuck me, and I want you to get out of the way. (Said without aggressiveness)

Note: This method is great if you want to assert yourself and get something! Just keep repeating both their counter-arguments and what you want until they give up.

The Appreciation Method

Simply express appreciation for their effort to talk with you and for being such a perfect mirror of your consciousness.

Opponent: You're totally gay!
You: Interesting. I appreciate your feedback.

or

Opponent: You do it all wrong!
You: I'm glad we talked about it.

Confusing

My favorite one!

You can also confuse your adversary! That's like performing some funny moves, waving some colorful flags around and whoops, making them lose their balance. My favorite way of doing this is to use...

The Proverb Method:

Opponent: You idiot!
You: Like they say, an apple a day keeps the doctor away! (Forefinger up)


or

Opponent: Looks like you ate a bit too much over the holidays, huh?
You: All roads lead to Rome. (Wise nodding)


Of course, the whole point is to choose a proverb that does not make any sense! So, don't use the apple proverb to reply to the overeating comment, for example. It must not fit. Also don't use proverbs that could be interpreted as aggressive, such as "He laughs best who laughs last" or the like.

But I won't win the argument this way!


No, you won't. :-)

The point is not to win the argument. It's to fend attacks off without giving in to the negativity your opponents are trying to build up. Without arguing, without getting hurt, without getting angry, without feeding the conflict. These techniques allow you to remain poised and escape playfully. Nothing forces you to see verbal affronts as something to be taken seriously!

Besides, if you apply these techniques, there's no way they can win the argument either.

But I will just make a fool out of myself!

What others think about you is none of your business. It's not important whether they think you are a fool, right, wrong, a genius, or whatever. What's important is that they have no chance in a verbal fight against you. :-)

What if they continue anyway?

Continue as well. Pick the same method or another one and keep going until they give up. They will quickly grow weary of being confronted with a bunch of insane answers.

Example

- Come with me to the party on Saturday.
- No, thanks.
- Why not?
- I don't like loud parties.
- You could do it for me!
- I could do it for you, and I don't want to.
- You are such an egoist!
- You look great in this shirt today. :-)
- Come on! You never do anything with me that I like!
- Ah. This reminds me of the eBook on Linux shell commands that I am writing. I wonder if I should include bash scripting.
- Don't change the subject! We never go out together! You are just boring!
- I'm glad we talked about it.
- You are such a jerk.
- Yeah, my grandmother always says: one swallow doesn't make the summer!
- What are you talking about??
- I love you. :-)

And so on. They will just get nowhere this way (unless they switch to a healthier communication style).
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Happy fighting! ;-)

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How To Defend Yourself Against Manipulators

Want to be able to defend yourself against manipulators? Here is what my experience has taught me about this topic.

Develop Awareness

To defend yourself against manipulators, you first need to recognize them as such. It can be very difficult to notice manipulation, as it is usually subtle. This is especially true for those who grew up in an abusive environment or surrounded by manipulative people. They're so used to it that they don't even realize this is not as it should be.

Here are some tips on recognizing manipulators.

At first, don't try to defend yourself yet. Just observe what they're telling you, verbally and non-verbally. Identify the subtext. Get clear about what's really going on, both inside of you and between you and the manipulator.

Once you have a clear awareness of the situation, you can act.

Gain Distance

Remember that manipulation is often unconscious and sometimes a way of coping with some problem, for example diverse fears. Even when it is conscious, it's just a choice that someone else makes. Other people's choices have nothing to do with you as a person.

I know that being manipulated is a pain in the ass, especially when they try to make you feel bad in order to control you - just remember that this is not really about you personally. Their goal is to get something, but it is not to harm you. You're collateral damage. So, don't take it personally.

Disengage

Manipulators are the kind of smelly orcs that can make your social life tedious and foul. If it's a spouse, family member, coworker, or any other person that you are not ready or willing to let go of, you'll have to learn how to deal with them. If you can avoid them, though, just say bye. In my experience this is way more efficient.

However, you cannot spend your time running away from manipulators. You need to work on your mindset anyway. If you attracted them once, chances are good that you have some holes in your armor. Those holes will attract more of them, no matter how far away you flee. So, avoid them - and invest the time and energy that you save by avoiding them in working on yourself.

Improve Mindset

The more you're powerful in your head, the more you become immune against manipulators. Your mindset is key.  I cannot stress enough how important that is. So, if you want to defend yourself against manipulators, absolutely work on that. Here are some tips on how to build a healthy anti-manipulation mindset.

Learn Techniques

Optionally, you can learn anti-manipulation techniques. If your mindset is strong, you won't really need them, but when you're just starting and still insecure, they can be very useful. Especially the translator method helped me a lot in the past. I highly recommend it.

Ideally, practice them first with a trusted friend, outside of real manipulative situations. Do some role playing, one playing the manipulator, the other one the technique user. Try out different techniques and different scenarios. Then switch roles. This way, when it really happens, you'll be prepared and have a knee-jerk reaction.

Talk Straight

Way more than techniques, what I recommend is to step completely out of the subtle manipulation game and to play with open cards. Be direct. Remember that manipulators always want something. So, when you spot one, ask them "What is it that you want?".

You can also ask them "How do you feel about this situation?". And, remembering that manipulators often use manipulation out of fear, you can ask "What is it that you are afraid of?".

You can see manipulators as enemies out to get you, abuse you and control you, and hit back. But this creates separation. You can also choose oneness and compassion. The manipulation itself is just their way of expressing themselves. Instead of getting hung up on it, you can go directly to the meat of the matter by asking them what exactly they want.

Give them an opportunity to express themselves openly in a safe environment. Often they simply have never learned that. Listen to them. You can also explain what exactly you want and try together to find a solution that makes both happy.

If they realize that their expressing their wishes directly is taken seriously, welcomed in a non-judgmental way and actually brings good results, it will be much easier for them to let go of manipulation as a way of getting what they want.

Take care to stay focused on finding a solution though. Listening doesn't mean playing psychotherapist or giving them lots of energy by listening and listening and listening! This would be too draining for you.

Keep Going

Take your time, observe, prepare yourself... but once you've started defending yourself, be consistent. Mixed messages teach others to continue with their abusive behavior. So, don't oscillate between standing your ground and falling back into victimizing yourself. That's not healthy. Whether you use anti-manipulation techniques or just talk straight with them, continue with it in a consistent way until they don't try to manipulate you anymore.

When you suddenly start defending yourself, at first they'll try harder than ever! So, be prepared for an increased fire. But at some point, sooner or later, they will realize that it just doesn't work this way anymore, and give up.

They will let go of their manipulative behaviors and learn other ways to communicate what they want, and the relationship will become a good bit healthier. If they're not able or willing to do that, the relationship will probably break.

Leave

In case really nothing helps, and no matter how open you are to straightforward and honest communication, no matter how consistently you block their manipulation, they just keep doing it... Or even respond by creating lots of drama... Leave.

I know this can be very difficult, but your first duty in this life is to take care of yourself.

Some people are just not able, ready, or willing to stop manipulating others. Some are just too blocked in their own personal development. It's not your job to compensate for that. In the long run, you're not doing them a favor by accepting their behavior.

There are also people who have an unconscious and compulsive need to create negativity in others in order to feed off it. These people will never stop with their abusive ways. Run.

Good luck! :-)

How to recognize manipulators?

Manipulation is a generic term for a vast range of communication techniques. What they have in common is that manipulators have a hidden agenda that they pursue without clearly saying it. Many people use manipulation to get what they want. Nevertheless, it can be very difficult to defend oneself against it, or even to recognize it.

Highly conscious and aware individuals don't use manipulation. Most people aren't highly conscious and aware though, so chances are good that you do have contact with manipulators (or are one yourself).
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What is manipulation?


Manipulation can take many forms: emotional blackmail (making you feel bad in case you don't do what is expected from you), flattering you or telling your things in order to make you do something specific, testing you, etc. In all cases, manipulators try to gain control over your feelings and/or behavior by playing in some way on your weaknesses.

The goal for them is to get what they want. When they are successful, you end up doing what they want, even if it is something you would not have chosen to do out of your free will.

For example, if you feel particularly proud and valuable when you are needed, someone knowing this can deliberately play victim in order to make you help them. If you secretly think that you are lazy and feel bad about that, and someone suggests that you'd be a lazy bum if you don't help them move on Saturday, chances are good that you will spend your Saturday carrying transport boxes.

Manipulators do or say certain things in order to influence your feelings in such a way that you react the way they want you to react.  The manipulator usually says things in an indirect and subtle way. The underlying, unspoken message, which is what they're really telling you, is expressed between the lines, not in a clear and direct way. Manipulators don't say what they want openly. They insinuate, suggest and hint.
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How does it work?


We all have buttons that hurt when pushed and an ego that loves to be flattered. Manipulators just play on those weaknesses.

I can see two major kinds of manipulation:

The carrot method

Tthis method flatters your ego and promises to fulfill your desires. The underlying, unspoken message is "If you do X, you'll be great/cool/a good person/the result will be to your advantage/, etc." So, since you want to be great, cool, a great person and all that, you do it,  without even noticing that the decision wasn't entirely yours. Ideally, the promised "reward" is something important to you. That you will get this reward isn't said clearly though, it's just suggested. Just enough for you to understand it.

The stick method

This one uses negative feelings to get you where they want to have you. The underlying, unspoken  message is "If you don't do X, you'll be an egoist/lazy/a bad son/unattractive/I won't love you anymore/you'll get fired/etc." The catastrophe they are implicitly threatening you with probably will be something you are afraid of. Again, they won't threaten openly. They'll just use insinuations. But you understand them, and since you are scared of getting fired or it hurts you not to be accepted anymore, you'll do it. You'll probably think that you made this choice yourself. Maybe it will be clear to you that you did it to avoid feeling bad - but actually the bad feelings were triggered on purpose.

The carrot and the stick are often used together, either simultaneously ("You would be such a nice buddy if you helped me move, and so lazy if you didn't") or sequentially ("You'd be a hero if you repaired my kitchen sink! What, you don't want to? You loser.")

The stick method is particularly nasty, unhealthy and harmful. It takes all freedom out of the situation and leaves you only with a no-win choice: either you do what they want, or you feel bad. This is emotional blackmail. It is an abusive behavior and can lead to emotional disorders.

There are other forms of manipulation, like testing (deliberately saying or doing something just to see how the other person will respond), or pulling (deliberately saying or doing something in order to get a desired response, but without really using the stick or the carrot method). Those might be non-aligned with integrity, however they're quite harmless so I will focus more on emotional blackmail in this post.
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How do they do it?

As I said, the real message is not expressed directly. It can be camouflaged as the expression of an objective truth, a personal feeling, or a simple question. Let's say for example that your boss wants you to work overtime, and you refuse. Manipulative answers could be

"But how are we going to do without you?" (Real message: "You are letting us down, and the project might fail because of you"),
"I thought I could count on you" (Real message: "I am disappointed with you. You're not a good employee.")

"I understand... Go and have fun, we'll manage somehow! (with a sad or strained look)" (Real message: "You are an egoist.")

-> The first step to recognize manipulation is to ask yourself: what is really being said here?

Manipulation can be difficult to recognize because it happens mostly on a non-verbal level. When someone plays on your protector instinct to get your help by acting as a poor victim, for example, it's not necessarily what they say that makes you help them. It could be the body language which says "I'm such a poor victim with my bent shoulders and  those large helpless eyes looking up to you... Will you be my savior?". And whoops, your ego steps in to show how great a knight you are.

-> Pay attention to body language. Ask yourself: what is being expressed non-verbally here?

A big part of the unspoken message is often expressed in very subtle ways. It might be the tone of the voice, a particular way to look at you, expressing certain feelings, or even the choice of the words that are used.

For example if you refuse to go to a family gathering, your mother could say "OK, I understand." - but with a cold look on her face. Real message: "I don't like it. You have to come." Or even "I don't love you anymore", depending on your relationship with your mother. Or she could say "OK, I understand." but with a suffering and sad face. Real message: "You're breaking your old mother's heart..." The goal here is to make you feel guilty.

-> Check whether the spoken words are congruent with the body language. If they're not, beware!

Aside from body language, what's often used by manipulators is humor. When your friend pressures you into helping him move on Saturday, he could suggest that you are lazy by simply making a joke about your spending your weekends like a couch-potato. This is very efficient and will make you feel bad - but it's very subtle since it was "just a joke", right?

-> Remember that nobody is ever really just kidding.

All these sneaky ways of communicating can make it very difficult to recognize that you are being manipulated. It happens mostly on the subconscious level. In many cases, it could all be perfectly innocent. When the manipulator plays on an issue that's very personal to you, it can even be difficult for someone else to perceive the manipulative aspect of what they say, because they don't know how it affects you. Nonetheless, the point is: they have you where they want to have you. Manipulation generally is a highly effective tactic.
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How to recognize a manipulative situation?

Manipulation is not easy to recognize. Awareness is key here. When you're communicating with someone, stay aware of what's really going on.

If you are not sure whether you are being manipulated or not, check the following:

Are you feeling bad?

If you feel bad when communicating with someone, that's a sign that something is not flowing harmoniously. It does not necessarily mean that they're trying to manipulate you. They could be genuine yet trigger some negative feelings in you. But they could also be manipulating you.  If you feel bad, this could be because you're resisting their manipulation attempts on a subconscious level.

Most especially: are you feeling blackmailed? Or put under pressure in some way? Or maybe overly flattered? Or do you feel like you are being trapped somehow? Does it feel like you have no other choice but doing or tolerating something?

All these are signs that you could be manipulated.

Are they being congruent?


Does what they are saying accurately reflect what they actually mean? What is really being said? What is the underlying, unspoken message? How directly is it being expressed?

What are they expressing non-verbally? Is this in alignment with the words they use?

Translate all verbal and non-verbal signals you're getting from them into one simple sentence. Is this what they are saying out loud? If not, beware.

Now look at this translation. (How) is this person trying to influence your feelings? (How) is this person trying to control your behavior or to make you do something?

Is the underlying message a carrot or a stick? Is it meant to flatter you, or to make you feel bad in some way? Does it try to make you feel guilty, ashamed, scared or otherwise faulty? Does it blackmail you? Is it abusive in some way? Is it threatening or insulting? Is it intrusive or disrespectful of your person or boundaries? If one of those is the case, even if the person appears to be friendly, your alarm bells should ring!

What do they want?

Manipulators want something. They can want you to take a certain action, but it might also be something else, like your energy, attention or love. Is there something that this person wants from you now?

This something that they want, do you want it? If you do it, will you regret it? Would you do it out of your free will if you had a choice?

If the answer is "no", but for some strange reason you're feeling compelled to do it anyway, or feeling bad for not doing it, beware! This smells like manipulation.

If you feel that someone flatters your ego, ask yourself: what do they want in return? Sometimes people say nice things and want nothing in return at all. But sometimes this is accompanied or followed by some kind of request. If you're not sure, listen to your gut feeling. A useful question to ask yourself is: would they still find you that great if you didn't do what they want?

How do they react to anti-manipulation techniques?

Ultimately, the best way to recognize manipulation is to apply some anti-manipulation technique and observe the result. Depending on the reaction you get, it will be clear. I'll talk about anti-manipulation techniques in a separate post.
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How to spot potential manipulators?


Here are - in a very generalized way - some signs indicating that you could be dealing with a manipulator:

They don't respect your no.

Many manipulators just won't accept a no. They'll still try to convince you, win you over, intimidate or seduce you into doing it. This can be done in a very charming way, in an authoritarian way, in a teary way, in a cool way, or whatever other way. The fact remains that they are in truth not respecting your no.This should make your alarm bells ring. Always pay attention when someone refuses to hear no. Big red flag.

They don't respect your will.

Same as with a no but applicable to all kinds of other decisions as well. If someone does not accept your decisions, perk up your ears. Smelly orc in sight.

They don't respect your personal space.

This can happen on different levels: on the physical level (they come too close or they systematically imitate your posture), on the intellectual level (they either try to make you change your mind in a pushy way or adopt your every opinion as theirs), on the emotional level (they stick to you or always imitate your feelings), etc. This is no proof for manipulation but in my experience, people who disrespect other people's personal boundaries also often tend to use manipulation to get what they want.

They make you feel uncomfortable.

Manipulative people often make us feel uncomfortable "for no reason". Might seem irrational to you, but trust your intuition. Your gut knows. Your work is to listen to these feelings instead of discarding them if they're not rational.

They're not straightforward

While trying to manipulate you, of course manipulative people aren't being straightforward! That's how manipulation works. But in my experience they also tend not to be very straightforward people in a more general way. For example they could frequently repress their feelings instead of expressing them. Or when they do express themselves, this could happen in an indirect way, like saying "It's getting late" instead of "Time for you to go". There's nothing bad with being polite and subtle - just pay attention and check out if that's a recurrent pattern in this person's general communication style.

Do they make indirect suggestions instead of clearly asking for what they want? ("This box is so heavy!" instead of "Would you please help me carry this box?") Do they state their opinions in a direct way, or using allusions and hints? ("Do you want to come shopping clothes with me some day?" instead of "Your clothes look lame.") Do they express their feelings openly, or do they give you cryptic cues and expect you to get it? When you ask how they are, do they say "I'm okay" but look like they're attending a funeral, or do they say "I'm sad"?

All this in itself is no manipulation of course. It's just a sign that this person could be prone to using an over-average amount of manipulation in their communication.
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Being able to notice that someone is trying to manipulate you already helps. But sometimes it can be very difficult to deal with it anyway. We'll talk about how to defend yourself when confronted to manipulators in one of my next posts. But first I'd like to write about whether manipulators are evil or not. :-)