Question: "In a competitive economy, how can a scanner do a project that can hold its own against one made by a focused individual?"
My Take on This:
As a scanner, we can be competitive by being uncompromisingly authentic.
Be Yourself
Our economy is not truly competitive. At an energetic level, we resonate with certain products or service providers, and not with others. We might compare offerings and prices, but in the end we buy things we resonate with from people we resonate with.
By being totally yourself, you will attract people who resonate with you, and they will love you. Then it does not matter how many other people do things that are seemingly similar to what you do.
If you manage to be who you are at your very core, to really own your gifts and express them in the work you do, you will create such a unique product or service that it cannot be compared anymore. It will be outstanding, because you are outstanding.
Be a Scanner
If you are a scanner, be a scanner. Be authentic in that too!
The best way for a scanner to be productive is to respect their scanner nature and to adapt their time-management and project-management strategies to it. If they try to work like specialists, they will procrastinate, suffer and get poor results. But if they embrace their scanner nature and are true to themselves in that respect, they are just as competent as other people.
How exactly to adapt your project-management to your personality will depend on which kind of scanner you are and which kind of project you have in mind.
Cyclical scanners in particular tend to be slower at completing their projects because of working on many things at the same time. Often this does not matter, though. I'm writing an Introduction to Linux Shell Commands for beginners. I do plenty of other things as well, so of course I am slower than a computer scientist who does nothing else all day. So what? When some day I'll publish it, it can be just as good as what such a computer scientist who does nothing else all day could write. It won't matter how long it took me to write it. And since I am putting my very own loving personality into it, instead of writing it in dry man page style, it will be a truly unique product.
Now if you are working on a project that is time-sensitive, where you need to focus on the same thing for many hours every day, and where your personality matters zero.... are you sure you are doing the right job? As a scanner, you must suffer like hell. Why do you stay there? Being ourselves also means picking a career that fits our personality, not bending ourselves to fit our job. That would be kinda backwards. After all, our job is here to serve us, not the other way around.
Use your Strengths
Being a scanner does not only mean adapting what you do and when you do it to your personality. It also means that your way of thinking is different. Even when working on the same problem as a non-scanner, you will think in a less linear way. Scanners are great at drawing parallels, at connecting the dots, or at integrating knowledge from other life areas or fields of activity. I highly recommend you to actively use these strengths.
Instead of discarding "inappropriate" ideas and trying to focus on one field or one process, welcome seemingly unrelated, intuitive input, and act on it. Often, unrelated stuff ends up not being that unrelated after all. Ask yourself how you could integrate this into your project, how this could serve or inspire you. Connect the dots. This can lead to very interesting results! Your original solutions could be exactly what makes you highly competitive.
Authenticity is Key
To be competitive as scanners, we need to be absolutely authentic. We need to get in touch with ourselves, express our gifts in the most honest way and put our personality into our work. This way we create unique products and services and attract people who resonate with us. We need to adapt our way of working to our scanner nature in order to be productive and have fun. And instead of trying to be what we are not, we need to play on our strengths, especially our non-linear, creative, eclectic way of thinking.
If you want to know more about yourself and learn about the soul-level gifts and strengths that you are bringing into your human experience, or if you feel that there are facets of you that you haven't been able to fully express until now, you can book a reading with me. I'd love to work with you.
Mostrando entradas con la etiqueta how-to's. Mostrar todas las entradas
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martes, 13 de abril de 2010
sábado, 20 de marzo de 2010
How To Not Be a Manipulator
What if the person you recognized as a manipulator is yourself? Don't beat yourself up, manipulators are not evil. If you would like to use more straightforward ways of communicating and getting what you want, here are a few tips for you.
Be Clear on What you Want
People who manipulate others usually use this technique because they want something. What is it that you want?
Define exactly what you want and say it out loud and clear.
Give yourself permission to want what you want. Your wishes and desires are legitimate and perfectly okay. Stand by them.
Sometimes, we want things from others when the person we actually should get them from is ourselves. I'm thinking especially of feelings like love, power, security or self-worth. These are available to us at all times by choice. What others give us can never replace what we are not getting from ourselves. In this case, we must find ways to connect with these energies on our own, instead of focusing on others.
Now if it is something we really want from someone else, then we'll have to ask for it.
Acknowledge your Fears
What pushes people to manipulate often is fear, especially fear of being rejected or not getting what they want if they openly asked for it. Asking for something can be scary.
What exactly are you afraid of?
If you asked, what is the very worst that could happen? And what would that mean about you?
I bet even the worst case is something you would survive, and chances are that the bad things it would mean about you exist only in your head. You are free to pick your beliefs. Maybe it is time to change your mindset, or to work on your fear of rejection or on your self-worth. There are also effective tools available to you to help you cope with your fear.
If nothing helps, feel the fear and do it anyway.
Ask for What you Want Openly
Ask for what you want. Be clear and direct. Stay polite of course, but don't sugarcoat it and don't beat around the bush. You can briefly explain why you want what you want, but do NOT
apologize
justify
put yourself down
flatter
It's perfectly natural and legitimate to ask for what you want, so act accordingly.
Women, forget about lady-like postures and submissive behaviors. Plant your two feet solidly into the ground, carrying your weight equally. Keep your back straight, head up and shoulders back. Look the other person straight into the eyes. Say what you want. It's your right.
Be Willing to Hear No
When someone says no to you, this decision is not directed against you. It's just a choice that they make about the thing you were asking for. Other people's choices don't say anything about your worth as a person. Don't take a no personally.
Your desires are legitimate, and it's your right to ask for what you want. It's also legitimate of the other person to set boundaries and their right to say no. Accept it.
If you have a problem with that, find ways to deal with your emotions and examine your beliefs. What does it mean about you if they say no? What about it hurts you? Learn to become invulnerable.
Detach from Other Manipulators
If you spot other manipulators around you, detach from them temporarily. Their communication patterns reinforce your old ones. It's smarter to surround yourself with very direct people for a while. You'll learn a lot just by talking with them.
Learning how to defend yourself against manipulation would be useful too.
You are loved. :-)
Be Clear on What you Want
People who manipulate others usually use this technique because they want something. What is it that you want?
Define exactly what you want and say it out loud and clear.
Give yourself permission to want what you want. Your wishes and desires are legitimate and perfectly okay. Stand by them.
Sometimes, we want things from others when the person we actually should get them from is ourselves. I'm thinking especially of feelings like love, power, security or self-worth. These are available to us at all times by choice. What others give us can never replace what we are not getting from ourselves. In this case, we must find ways to connect with these energies on our own, instead of focusing on others.
Now if it is something we really want from someone else, then we'll have to ask for it.
Acknowledge your Fears
What pushes people to manipulate often is fear, especially fear of being rejected or not getting what they want if they openly asked for it. Asking for something can be scary.
What exactly are you afraid of?
If you asked, what is the very worst that could happen? And what would that mean about you?
I bet even the worst case is something you would survive, and chances are that the bad things it would mean about you exist only in your head. You are free to pick your beliefs. Maybe it is time to change your mindset, or to work on your fear of rejection or on your self-worth. There are also effective tools available to you to help you cope with your fear.
If nothing helps, feel the fear and do it anyway.
Ask for What you Want Openly
Ask for what you want. Be clear and direct. Stay polite of course, but don't sugarcoat it and don't beat around the bush. You can briefly explain why you want what you want, but do NOT
apologize
justify
put yourself down
flatter
It's perfectly natural and legitimate to ask for what you want, so act accordingly.
Women, forget about lady-like postures and submissive behaviors. Plant your two feet solidly into the ground, carrying your weight equally. Keep your back straight, head up and shoulders back. Look the other person straight into the eyes. Say what you want. It's your right.
Be Willing to Hear No
When someone says no to you, this decision is not directed against you. It's just a choice that they make about the thing you were asking for. Other people's choices don't say anything about your worth as a person. Don't take a no personally.
Your desires are legitimate, and it's your right to ask for what you want. It's also legitimate of the other person to set boundaries and their right to say no. Accept it.
If you have a problem with that, find ways to deal with your emotions and examine your beliefs. What does it mean about you if they say no? What about it hurts you? Learn to become invulnerable.
Detach from Other Manipulators
If you spot other manipulators around you, detach from them temporarily. Their communication patterns reinforce your old ones. It's smarter to surround yourself with very direct people for a while. You'll learn a lot just by talking with them.
Learning how to defend yourself against manipulation would be useful too.
You are loved. :-)
lunes, 8 de marzo de 2010
Are You Taking Energetically Strategic Action?
When we have a goal that we want to reach, we can take different kinds of third-dimensional action towards our goal. One of them is energetically strategic action. I have learned about it from my teacher Andrea Hess and have been using it since then. I totally love it!
How does it work?
When we take "normal" action, aka linear action, we do things that make logical sense and will probably bring us closer to our goal. For example if you want a great relationship, some linear action could be to ask someone out.
Energetically strategic action on the other hand makes no logical sense. Our rational mind usually doesn't see how taking this action would bring us any closer to our goal. That's because the link between our action and our goal is not a causal one. It's an energetic one.
Our goal has a certain energy to it. This energy is not fully expressed in our life yet (or else we would already have reached this goal). So in order to bring this energy into our life, we take actions that carry the same energy. These actions don't need to make logical sense or to have anything to do with our goal. What's important is that they have the same energy as our goal. By taking these actions, we align with the energy we wish to create in our life. Then it's only natural that our goal manifests, as an expression of this energy, that is now already in our life.
One explanation is the law of resonance, also called law of attraction: like attracts like. Put yourself into a state that is energetically aligned with what you want, and you will attract it. I don't really like the word "attract", though. It suggests that I don't have it yet. I prefer to think that I already have it, it's just a facet of me that isn't revealed yet. I am the one who's broke, and the one who has lots of money. I am the one who's single, and the one who is in a great relationship. By taking energetically strategic action, I just reveal a new facet of what I already am. I shine light on some previously hidden aspect of myself. I sculpt myself.
How to do it?
Step 1: identify your destination energy.
The same goal can mean completely different things to different people. Being in a great relationship can be about love, it can be about connection, about fun, about sensuality, passion, intensity, partnership, adventure, etc. It can be about many things. Making more money can be about freedom, about power, expansion, security, happiness... Whatever.
Identify what energy your goal is about. What does it represent in your eyes? What energetic characteristics does your desired outcome have? When you close your eyes and imagine having reached your goal, how do you feel? What quality would be present in your life that you perceive to not be there yet?
Give your destination energy a name, or a color.
Step 2: take appropriate actions
Take actions that energetically align with your goal. Can you think of small actions that would express your destination energy? It doesn't need to be big things. Small actions have the same powerful effect as long as they carry the right energy.
For example, if your destination energy is love, you could write a friend of yours a letter to tell them how wonderful they are and how happy you are that they are in your life. Or send flowers to your mom. Or pay someone a compliment. Or hug someone. If it's about expansion, you could buy some food that you have never eaten before, go sit for an hour in a café you never were in, learn a new foreign language, befriend one new person a day on facebook or take classes in something you had never tried out before. If it's about adventure, you could take a new way home and get lost in a neighborhood you don't know. Or go to the station and just jump on the first train that leaves for an improvised trip to a random place. Or go on a blind date, or wear a disguise in public for one evening.
You get the idea. Finding appropriate actions is what I think is the most difficult part of the process. When my destination energy is quite far away from where I am now, I find it extremely difficult to even think of appropriate actions. What I find helpful then is to observe other people who already embody this energy in my eyes. I check how they express it and get inspired.
Why do it?
Because it works. I have found it to be highly effective. Not only does it work, it's a lot of fun. You get to wear wigs, go rock climbing, dance, eat exotic foods, buy beautiful skirts and such. And it makes things so much easier than when you only take linear, logical actions.
I personally love it that it makes no sense. It's so awesome to do crazy things that make no sense at all and whoops, everything flows! It makes life a wondrous, magical adventure instead of a boring, predictable project based on hard work. Eew
For me, energetically strategic action is the real action. Linear action is just like opening a door. When we want something, it's easier for us to allow it to happen when our rational mind sees some ways how we could logically get it. We are more ready to believe in finding a partner if we go out, socialize, ask people out, join dating websites or interact with others professionally. We are more ready to believe in making money if we start a business or apply for jobs.
It's awesome and important to open these doors. However, what really gets us where we want to be is the energetic state we are in. Taking energetically strategic action is one of the ways we can shift this energetic state, especially combined with choosing our beliefs wisely.
If you want to learn more about taking action in an energetically meaningful way, I highly recommend Andrea, who is a master at that. What I just wrote about is only a tiny part of her wisdom. Lately she has been focusing on teaching specifically how to create financial abundance. However, I have found her methods to be applicable more generally to pretty much every goal I have.
So, what's your destination energy and how will you bring it into your life right now? :-)
How does it work?
When we take "normal" action, aka linear action, we do things that make logical sense and will probably bring us closer to our goal. For example if you want a great relationship, some linear action could be to ask someone out.
Energetically strategic action on the other hand makes no logical sense. Our rational mind usually doesn't see how taking this action would bring us any closer to our goal. That's because the link between our action and our goal is not a causal one. It's an energetic one.
Our goal has a certain energy to it. This energy is not fully expressed in our life yet (or else we would already have reached this goal). So in order to bring this energy into our life, we take actions that carry the same energy. These actions don't need to make logical sense or to have anything to do with our goal. What's important is that they have the same energy as our goal. By taking these actions, we align with the energy we wish to create in our life. Then it's only natural that our goal manifests, as an expression of this energy, that is now already in our life.
One explanation is the law of resonance, also called law of attraction: like attracts like. Put yourself into a state that is energetically aligned with what you want, and you will attract it. I don't really like the word "attract", though. It suggests that I don't have it yet. I prefer to think that I already have it, it's just a facet of me that isn't revealed yet. I am the one who's broke, and the one who has lots of money. I am the one who's single, and the one who is in a great relationship. By taking energetically strategic action, I just reveal a new facet of what I already am. I shine light on some previously hidden aspect of myself. I sculpt myself.
How to do it?
Step 1: identify your destination energy.
The same goal can mean completely different things to different people. Being in a great relationship can be about love, it can be about connection, about fun, about sensuality, passion, intensity, partnership, adventure, etc. It can be about many things. Making more money can be about freedom, about power, expansion, security, happiness... Whatever.
Identify what energy your goal is about. What does it represent in your eyes? What energetic characteristics does your desired outcome have? When you close your eyes and imagine having reached your goal, how do you feel? What quality would be present in your life that you perceive to not be there yet?
Give your destination energy a name, or a color.
Step 2: take appropriate actions
Take actions that energetically align with your goal. Can you think of small actions that would express your destination energy? It doesn't need to be big things. Small actions have the same powerful effect as long as they carry the right energy.
For example, if your destination energy is love, you could write a friend of yours a letter to tell them how wonderful they are and how happy you are that they are in your life. Or send flowers to your mom. Or pay someone a compliment. Or hug someone. If it's about expansion, you could buy some food that you have never eaten before, go sit for an hour in a café you never were in, learn a new foreign language, befriend one new person a day on facebook or take classes in something you had never tried out before. If it's about adventure, you could take a new way home and get lost in a neighborhood you don't know. Or go to the station and just jump on the first train that leaves for an improvised trip to a random place. Or go on a blind date, or wear a disguise in public for one evening.
You get the idea. Finding appropriate actions is what I think is the most difficult part of the process. When my destination energy is quite far away from where I am now, I find it extremely difficult to even think of appropriate actions. What I find helpful then is to observe other people who already embody this energy in my eyes. I check how they express it and get inspired.
Why do it?
Because it works. I have found it to be highly effective. Not only does it work, it's a lot of fun. You get to wear wigs, go rock climbing, dance, eat exotic foods, buy beautiful skirts and such. And it makes things so much easier than when you only take linear, logical actions.
I personally love it that it makes no sense. It's so awesome to do crazy things that make no sense at all and whoops, everything flows! It makes life a wondrous, magical adventure instead of a boring, predictable project based on hard work. Eew
For me, energetically strategic action is the real action. Linear action is just like opening a door. When we want something, it's easier for us to allow it to happen when our rational mind sees some ways how we could logically get it. We are more ready to believe in finding a partner if we go out, socialize, ask people out, join dating websites or interact with others professionally. We are more ready to believe in making money if we start a business or apply for jobs.
It's awesome and important to open these doors. However, what really gets us where we want to be is the energetic state we are in. Taking energetically strategic action is one of the ways we can shift this energetic state, especially combined with choosing our beliefs wisely.
If you want to learn more about taking action in an energetically meaningful way, I highly recommend Andrea, who is a master at that. What I just wrote about is only a tiny part of her wisdom. Lately she has been focusing on teaching specifically how to create financial abundance. However, I have found her methods to be applicable more generally to pretty much every goal I have.
So, what's your destination energy and how will you bring it into your life right now? :-)
lunes, 15 de febrero de 2010
How To Be Invulnerable to Affronts
Being "different" often means taking flak. How to deal properly with insults, verbal attacks, demeaning comments, or simply with non-constructive critics? And how not to get hurt by it? Here are a few tips on how to become invulnerable in such situations.
Never Take Anything Personally
That's one of my mottoes. Never take anything personally. When other people criticize, dislike, or attack you, that is an expression of their state of being, a manifestation of what is going on inside them. Others tend to dislike in you what they dislike about themselves. They see their beliefs either mirrored or challenged by you, that is what they criticize. They resist their own reality. They attack you because of the fear and insecurity inside of them. If they had no fear and no self-rejection whatsoever in their heart, if they felt completely safe and at peace with themselves, they would be at peace with you, too, and would not feel the need to belittle you.
It is interesting to observe how others react, it says so much about them! You can learn a lot about someone by just listening to what they say about you or about the world. So, when someone treats you in a way that you find hurtful or offensive, don't take it personally. It's not about you, it's about them.
Just switch perspectives and see where they are coming from. What must their world look like? What kind of values do they have? What pain, insecurity or fear can you perceive in the way they treat you? What is going on inside of them, that leads to such a behavior?
Over-analyzing other people's behavior is futile and irrelevant. What counts is how you respond, not why they do what they do. However, it can be really helpful to remember that what is happening is always primarily about them, not about you. Having a look at their perspective enables you to gain some distance and understanding.
Btw, this also applies the other way around, when you dislike or attack others, and it also applies for positive feedback, which also says a lot about the one giving it and is more about them than about you. Never take compliments personally either. ;)
See Everything as Feedback
Now when I say it is about them, not about you, that's not entirely correct. It does say a lot about you, too. Just not literally. When someone calls you lazy, it does not mean in the slightest that you are lazy. But it definitely means that you have some negative beliefs around being lazy, or this person, or this situation, etc.
Everything going on in your life is a reflection of your current energetic state of being and of your belief system. You get to see what you believe in. You also attract experiences that match your vibration. If something totally does not resonate with you at all, it cannot show up in your reality.
So, when you are confronted with critics, attacks, animosity etc.,
ask yourself what kinds of beliefs you have about yourself, other people, this person, the situation you are in, etc., that manifest this way. Where is the fear in you, where is the insecurity? Where are the negative thoughts about yourself?
Ask yourself why you attract such people and situations into your life, to begin with. Maybe you believe that this situation/project/goal would be very difficult - and that is how it manifests. Maybe you believe that the world is a harsh place to live in, or that other people are mean. And so on. There must be something in you that calls such experiences.
Also ask yourself what kind of vibrations you are currently sending out. Are you dwelling on negative thoughts, or in a bad place emotionally? Is there any aggressiveness or violence inside of you that the world mirrors back to you this way? Do you feel any contempt for others?
In short, what in you is a good match for what is happening to you? We reap what we sow. Everything is feedback, your whole life is a giant mirror. Look into the mirror. By becoming aware of what you reap, you learn about what you sow - and then you can choose different seeds. :-)
Heal your Belief System
The very best way I have found to become invulnerable is to change my beliefs, be it about others, about life and the world in general, and about myself.
Only the truth hurts. Or, to be more precise, only what you believe to be true can hurt you. If someone told you that you are ugly for having green hair, and you have no green hair, you would probably just think they are weird. Only what you think is true can touch you. If you have green hair but you think it's great to have green hair, someone telling you that you are ugly for having green hair would not hurt you either. Only what resonates with some painful judgment about yourself inside of you can cause you any damage.
For example, I have a problem with my being overweight. I'm currently working on that, so in a few months it won't be true anymore - but for now, it still is a huge issue for me. Incidentally, I have been repeatedly criticized in the past for being overweight, and it hurt like hell. That is NO coincidence! It is also no coincidence that I never get criticized for being, say, short. I am very short. The "perfect women"in the media are tall. Yet nobody ever tells me that I am too short. But too fat, yeah, even though I'm certainly not obese. Why? Because fat is exactly what I have a problem with, whereas I have no problem at all with being short. It would feel so weird to me to believe that being short is unattractive that this just never shows up in my reality.
When you heal your beliefs, especially your beliefs about yourself, what other people say to you or about you cannot hurt you anymore. They will even probably stop saying negative things anyway.
Not taking the affronts personally, seeing them as feedback about your belief system and vibrational state, and working on shifting both, that is the basis if you want to become invulnerable. I have worked so much on myself in the past that now, my overweight is the only weakness left that you can really hurt me with. (But not for long anymore! So if you want to insult me effectively, you better hurry up. :D )
Here are a few more things that help, additionally:
Approve of Yourself
Loving ourselves and approving of ourselves are two different things. I can love someone dearly, yet disapprove of their actions. Recently I have discovered how much it helps to approve of ourselves unconditionally. For example, it didn't help me with my overweight to love my body. I totally love my body! But I was still disapproving of its annoying fat storing habits. I feel so much better now that I approve of them! Yes, I approve of my body storing fat. :-)
Just try it out. Choose to approve of yourself, no matter what you do, no matter what mistakes you make, no matter how <insert negative judgment about yourself here> you are. Look at yourself in a mirror and say out loud "I approve of myself! <Your first name>, I approve of you!". It feels great. :-)
Approving of yourself does not mean that you can never change anymore. It simply means acknowledging that you are always doing the very best you can with what you are given. That IS the case. So, approve of it. It will make you even more invulnerable. The more you approve of yourself, the less other people will feel the need to disapprove of you. :-)
Raise your Vibration
To not resonate anymore with bad stuff, raise your vibration! Do things that make you happy. Deliberately think thoughts that make you feel good. Focus on the positive, always on the positive, and always on what you like or want, never on what you dislike or don't want. Put some clean food into your body. Dance, sing and rejoice! Fall in love! Randomly tell someone something nice! Smile! Laugh! Send love to others! Hug!
Love and joy are the best shields there are. :-)
Respond with Love
At the beginning of this post, I wrote that when people criticize, insult, attack or offend you, that is because of some crappy stuff going on inside of them. Knowing this, you could send some love to them. Love heals everything, especially fear. You won't completely heal them by sending some love once, but it can only help. They might not notice, but they receive it. Aggressiveness is disharmony. Disharmony can be healed with lots of love. When you love them, you make them more loving and harmonious, and as a pleasant side-effect they will go around attacking others (including you) less.
Be loving to yourself and others, and your world will be loving too. :-)
Never Take Anything Personally
That's one of my mottoes. Never take anything personally. When other people criticize, dislike, or attack you, that is an expression of their state of being, a manifestation of what is going on inside them. Others tend to dislike in you what they dislike about themselves. They see their beliefs either mirrored or challenged by you, that is what they criticize. They resist their own reality. They attack you because of the fear and insecurity inside of them. If they had no fear and no self-rejection whatsoever in their heart, if they felt completely safe and at peace with themselves, they would be at peace with you, too, and would not feel the need to belittle you.
It is interesting to observe how others react, it says so much about them! You can learn a lot about someone by just listening to what they say about you or about the world. So, when someone treats you in a way that you find hurtful or offensive, don't take it personally. It's not about you, it's about them.
Just switch perspectives and see where they are coming from. What must their world look like? What kind of values do they have? What pain, insecurity or fear can you perceive in the way they treat you? What is going on inside of them, that leads to such a behavior?
Over-analyzing other people's behavior is futile and irrelevant. What counts is how you respond, not why they do what they do. However, it can be really helpful to remember that what is happening is always primarily about them, not about you. Having a look at their perspective enables you to gain some distance and understanding.
Btw, this also applies the other way around, when you dislike or attack others, and it also applies for positive feedback, which also says a lot about the one giving it and is more about them than about you. Never take compliments personally either. ;)
See Everything as Feedback
Now when I say it is about them, not about you, that's not entirely correct. It does say a lot about you, too. Just not literally. When someone calls you lazy, it does not mean in the slightest that you are lazy. But it definitely means that you have some negative beliefs around being lazy, or this person, or this situation, etc.
Everything going on in your life is a reflection of your current energetic state of being and of your belief system. You get to see what you believe in. You also attract experiences that match your vibration. If something totally does not resonate with you at all, it cannot show up in your reality.
So, when you are confronted with critics, attacks, animosity etc.,
ask yourself what kinds of beliefs you have about yourself, other people, this person, the situation you are in, etc., that manifest this way. Where is the fear in you, where is the insecurity? Where are the negative thoughts about yourself?
Ask yourself why you attract such people and situations into your life, to begin with. Maybe you believe that this situation/project/goal would be very difficult - and that is how it manifests. Maybe you believe that the world is a harsh place to live in, or that other people are mean. And so on. There must be something in you that calls such experiences.
Also ask yourself what kind of vibrations you are currently sending out. Are you dwelling on negative thoughts, or in a bad place emotionally? Is there any aggressiveness or violence inside of you that the world mirrors back to you this way? Do you feel any contempt for others?
In short, what in you is a good match for what is happening to you? We reap what we sow. Everything is feedback, your whole life is a giant mirror. Look into the mirror. By becoming aware of what you reap, you learn about what you sow - and then you can choose different seeds. :-)
Heal your Belief System
The very best way I have found to become invulnerable is to change my beliefs, be it about others, about life and the world in general, and about myself.
Only the truth hurts. Or, to be more precise, only what you believe to be true can hurt you. If someone told you that you are ugly for having green hair, and you have no green hair, you would probably just think they are weird. Only what you think is true can touch you. If you have green hair but you think it's great to have green hair, someone telling you that you are ugly for having green hair would not hurt you either. Only what resonates with some painful judgment about yourself inside of you can cause you any damage.
For example, I have a problem with my being overweight. I'm currently working on that, so in a few months it won't be true anymore - but for now, it still is a huge issue for me. Incidentally, I have been repeatedly criticized in the past for being overweight, and it hurt like hell. That is NO coincidence! It is also no coincidence that I never get criticized for being, say, short. I am very short. The "perfect women"in the media are tall. Yet nobody ever tells me that I am too short. But too fat, yeah, even though I'm certainly not obese. Why? Because fat is exactly what I have a problem with, whereas I have no problem at all with being short. It would feel so weird to me to believe that being short is unattractive that this just never shows up in my reality.
When you heal your beliefs, especially your beliefs about yourself, what other people say to you or about you cannot hurt you anymore. They will even probably stop saying negative things anyway.
Not taking the affronts personally, seeing them as feedback about your belief system and vibrational state, and working on shifting both, that is the basis if you want to become invulnerable. I have worked so much on myself in the past that now, my overweight is the only weakness left that you can really hurt me with. (But not for long anymore! So if you want to insult me effectively, you better hurry up. :D )
Here are a few more things that help, additionally:
Approve of Yourself
Loving ourselves and approving of ourselves are two different things. I can love someone dearly, yet disapprove of their actions. Recently I have discovered how much it helps to approve of ourselves unconditionally. For example, it didn't help me with my overweight to love my body. I totally love my body! But I was still disapproving of its annoying fat storing habits. I feel so much better now that I approve of them! Yes, I approve of my body storing fat. :-)
Just try it out. Choose to approve of yourself, no matter what you do, no matter what mistakes you make, no matter how <insert negative judgment about yourself here> you are. Look at yourself in a mirror and say out loud "I approve of myself! <Your first name>, I approve of you!". It feels great. :-)
Approving of yourself does not mean that you can never change anymore. It simply means acknowledging that you are always doing the very best you can with what you are given. That IS the case. So, approve of it. It will make you even more invulnerable. The more you approve of yourself, the less other people will feel the need to disapprove of you. :-)
Raise your Vibration
To not resonate anymore with bad stuff, raise your vibration! Do things that make you happy. Deliberately think thoughts that make you feel good. Focus on the positive, always on the positive, and always on what you like or want, never on what you dislike or don't want. Put some clean food into your body. Dance, sing and rejoice! Fall in love! Randomly tell someone something nice! Smile! Laugh! Send love to others! Hug!
Love and joy are the best shields there are. :-)
Respond with Love
At the beginning of this post, I wrote that when people criticize, insult, attack or offend you, that is because of some crappy stuff going on inside of them. Knowing this, you could send some love to them. Love heals everything, especially fear. You won't completely heal them by sending some love once, but it can only help. They might not notice, but they receive it. Aggressiveness is disharmony. Disharmony can be healed with lots of love. When you love them, you make them more loving and harmonious, and as a pleasant side-effect they will go around attacking others (including you) less.
Be loving to yourself and others, and your world will be loving too. :-)
lunes, 19 de octubre de 2009
How To Defend Yourself Against Manipulators
Want to be able to defend yourself against manipulators? Here is what my experience has taught me about this topic.
Develop Awareness
To defend yourself against manipulators, you first need to recognize them as such. It can be very difficult to notice manipulation, as it is usually subtle. This is especially true for those who grew up in an abusive environment or surrounded by manipulative people. They're so used to it that they don't even realize this is not as it should be.
Here are some tips on recognizing manipulators.
At first, don't try to defend yourself yet. Just observe what they're telling you, verbally and non-verbally. Identify the subtext. Get clear about what's really going on, both inside of you and between you and the manipulator.
Once you have a clear awareness of the situation, you can act.
Gain Distance
Remember that manipulation is often unconscious and sometimes a way of coping with some problem, for example diverse fears. Even when it is conscious, it's just a choice that someone else makes. Other people's choices have nothing to do with you as a person.
I know that being manipulated is a pain in the ass, especially when they try to make you feel bad in order to control you - just remember that this is not really about you personally. Their goal is to get something, but it is not to harm you. You're collateral damage. So, don't take it personally.
Disengage
Manipulators are the kind of smelly orcs that can make your social life tedious and foul. If it's a spouse, family member, coworker, or any other person that you are not ready or willing to let go of, you'll have to learn how to deal with them. If you can avoid them, though, just say bye. In my experience this is way more efficient.
However, you cannot spend your time running away from manipulators. You need to work on your mindset anyway. If you attracted them once, chances are good that you have some holes in your armor. Those holes will attract more of them, no matter how far away you flee. So, avoid them - and invest the time and energy that you save by avoiding them in working on yourself.
Improve Mindset
The more you're powerful in your head, the more you become immune against manipulators. Your mindset is key. I cannot stress enough how important that is. So, if you want to defend yourself against manipulators, absolutely work on that. Here are some tips on how to build a healthy anti-manipulation mindset.
Learn Techniques
Optionally, you can learn anti-manipulation techniques. If your mindset is strong, you won't really need them, but when you're just starting and still insecure, they can be very useful. Especially the translator method helped me a lot in the past. I highly recommend it.
Ideally, practice them first with a trusted friend, outside of real manipulative situations. Do some role playing, one playing the manipulator, the other one the technique user. Try out different techniques and different scenarios. Then switch roles. This way, when it really happens, you'll be prepared and have a knee-jerk reaction.
Talk Straight
Way more than techniques, what I recommend is to step completely out of the subtle manipulation game and to play with open cards. Be direct. Remember that manipulators always want something. So, when you spot one, ask them "What is it that you want?".
You can also ask them "How do you feel about this situation?". And, remembering that manipulators often use manipulation out of fear, you can ask "What is it that you are afraid of?".
You can see manipulators as enemies out to get you, abuse you and control you, and hit back. But this creates separation. You can also choose oneness and compassion. The manipulation itself is just their way of expressing themselves. Instead of getting hung up on it, you can go directly to the meat of the matter by asking them what exactly they want.
Give them an opportunity to express themselves openly in a safe environment. Often they simply have never learned that. Listen to them. You can also explain what exactly you want and try together to find a solution that makes both happy.
If they realize that their expressing their wishes directly is taken seriously, welcomed in a non-judgmental way and actually brings good results, it will be much easier for them to let go of manipulation as a way of getting what they want.
Take care to stay focused on finding a solution though. Listening doesn't mean playing psychotherapist or giving them lots of energy by listening and listening and listening! This would be too draining for you.
Keep Going
Take your time, observe, prepare yourself... but once you've started defending yourself, be consistent. Mixed messages teach others to continue with their abusive behavior. So, don't oscillate between standing your ground and falling back into victimizing yourself. That's not healthy. Whether you use anti-manipulation techniques or just talk straight with them, continue with it in a consistent way until they don't try to manipulate you anymore.
When you suddenly start defending yourself, at first they'll try harder than ever! So, be prepared for an increased fire. But at some point, sooner or later, they will realize that it just doesn't work this way anymore, and give up.
They will let go of their manipulative behaviors and learn other ways to communicate what they want, and the relationship will become a good bit healthier. If they're not able or willing to do that, the relationship will probably break.
Leave
In case really nothing helps, and no matter how open you are to straightforward and honest communication, no matter how consistently you block their manipulation, they just keep doing it... Or even respond by creating lots of drama... Leave.
I know this can be very difficult, but your first duty in this life is to take care of yourself.
Some people are just not able, ready, or willing to stop manipulating others. Some are just too blocked in their own personal development. It's not your job to compensate for that. In the long run, you're not doing them a favor by accepting their behavior.
There are also people who have an unconscious and compulsive need to create negativity in others in order to feed off it. These people will never stop with their abusive ways. Run.
Good luck! :-)
Develop Awareness
To defend yourself against manipulators, you first need to recognize them as such. It can be very difficult to notice manipulation, as it is usually subtle. This is especially true for those who grew up in an abusive environment or surrounded by manipulative people. They're so used to it that they don't even realize this is not as it should be.
Here are some tips on recognizing manipulators.
At first, don't try to defend yourself yet. Just observe what they're telling you, verbally and non-verbally. Identify the subtext. Get clear about what's really going on, both inside of you and between you and the manipulator.
Once you have a clear awareness of the situation, you can act.
Gain Distance
Remember that manipulation is often unconscious and sometimes a way of coping with some problem, for example diverse fears. Even when it is conscious, it's just a choice that someone else makes. Other people's choices have nothing to do with you as a person.
I know that being manipulated is a pain in the ass, especially when they try to make you feel bad in order to control you - just remember that this is not really about you personally. Their goal is to get something, but it is not to harm you. You're collateral damage. So, don't take it personally.
Disengage
Manipulators are the kind of smelly orcs that can make your social life tedious and foul. If it's a spouse, family member, coworker, or any other person that you are not ready or willing to let go of, you'll have to learn how to deal with them. If you can avoid them, though, just say bye. In my experience this is way more efficient.
However, you cannot spend your time running away from manipulators. You need to work on your mindset anyway. If you attracted them once, chances are good that you have some holes in your armor. Those holes will attract more of them, no matter how far away you flee. So, avoid them - and invest the time and energy that you save by avoiding them in working on yourself.
Improve Mindset
The more you're powerful in your head, the more you become immune against manipulators. Your mindset is key. I cannot stress enough how important that is. So, if you want to defend yourself against manipulators, absolutely work on that. Here are some tips on how to build a healthy anti-manipulation mindset.
Learn Techniques
Optionally, you can learn anti-manipulation techniques. If your mindset is strong, you won't really need them, but when you're just starting and still insecure, they can be very useful. Especially the translator method helped me a lot in the past. I highly recommend it.
Ideally, practice them first with a trusted friend, outside of real manipulative situations. Do some role playing, one playing the manipulator, the other one the technique user. Try out different techniques and different scenarios. Then switch roles. This way, when it really happens, you'll be prepared and have a knee-jerk reaction.
Talk Straight
Way more than techniques, what I recommend is to step completely out of the subtle manipulation game and to play with open cards. Be direct. Remember that manipulators always want something. So, when you spot one, ask them "What is it that you want?".
You can also ask them "How do you feel about this situation?". And, remembering that manipulators often use manipulation out of fear, you can ask "What is it that you are afraid of?".
You can see manipulators as enemies out to get you, abuse you and control you, and hit back. But this creates separation. You can also choose oneness and compassion. The manipulation itself is just their way of expressing themselves. Instead of getting hung up on it, you can go directly to the meat of the matter by asking them what exactly they want.
Give them an opportunity to express themselves openly in a safe environment. Often they simply have never learned that. Listen to them. You can also explain what exactly you want and try together to find a solution that makes both happy.
If they realize that their expressing their wishes directly is taken seriously, welcomed in a non-judgmental way and actually brings good results, it will be much easier for them to let go of manipulation as a way of getting what they want.
Take care to stay focused on finding a solution though. Listening doesn't mean playing psychotherapist or giving them lots of energy by listening and listening and listening! This would be too draining for you.
Keep Going
Take your time, observe, prepare yourself... but once you've started defending yourself, be consistent. Mixed messages teach others to continue with their abusive behavior. So, don't oscillate between standing your ground and falling back into victimizing yourself. That's not healthy. Whether you use anti-manipulation techniques or just talk straight with them, continue with it in a consistent way until they don't try to manipulate you anymore.
When you suddenly start defending yourself, at first they'll try harder than ever! So, be prepared for an increased fire. But at some point, sooner or later, they will realize that it just doesn't work this way anymore, and give up.
They will let go of their manipulative behaviors and learn other ways to communicate what they want, and the relationship will become a good bit healthier. If they're not able or willing to do that, the relationship will probably break.
Leave
In case really nothing helps, and no matter how open you are to straightforward and honest communication, no matter how consistently you block their manipulation, they just keep doing it... Or even respond by creating lots of drama... Leave.
I know this can be very difficult, but your first duty in this life is to take care of yourself.
Some people are just not able, ready, or willing to stop manipulating others. Some are just too blocked in their own personal development. It's not your job to compensate for that. In the long run, you're not doing them a favor by accepting their behavior.
There are also people who have an unconscious and compulsive need to create negativity in others in order to feed off it. These people will never stop with their abusive ways. Run.
Good luck! :-)
jueves, 27 de noviembre de 2008
How to Connect with Strangers
(This post is the how-to part of Chit-Chat with Strangers.)
For me, talking to strangers is very easy impossible. There are no strangers!
I believe that we are all manifestations of one Consciousness. All others are me too, just in another form, and I’m everybody. I feel one with everything that is, all other humans, animals, plants, inanimate objects, etc.
I also believe that we all permanently communicate with each other. We are one huge network, constantly exchanging information.
This way, you don’t need to connect in the first place: you are already connected, and have always been. We’ve known each other forever. Talking to a “stranger” for me is just recognizing them and acknowledging the bond which already exists between us.
That’s why I behave as if I already knew the people I talk to. Duh, I do! They’re old friends. I just hadn’t met them yet in this life. Time to catch up!
It’s all a matter of mindset
The beliefs I described above allow me to connect with others very fast and easily. It just happens naturally without me trying to do it intentionally. I don’t need to go out of my way for that.
I’m convinced that social skills are a matter of attitude. If you have a hard time connecting, you probably have some blocking beliefs about yourself, other people, social situations, or your own social skills. If you could get rid of them, I’m sure you would be able to connect with strangers as easily as I do. It would just become natural for you to do so.
Here is the description of one possible mindset (incidentally, mine) that yields good results in social situations.
How to do it concretely?
Okay, what to do to connect with a stranger? Connecting is paying attention. Where your attention goes, there goes your energy as well. Therefore, focus your energy on this person.
Look into their eyes. Many people are so afraid of others that they’re too embarrassed to allow eye contact. If you want to connect, you have to be open for connection, and that means eye contact. Looking away is hiding away.
I’m not telling you to stare at someone with a crazy or aggressive glance. Just allow friendly eye contact, you can look away once the person has seen and acknowledged you. When they look back at you, smile, but only if you spontaneously feel like smiling. A fake smile is a turn-off.
And then it’s simple really. If you don’t know what to say, don’t say anything. You don’t need to talk. When you’re being open, others feel it. If they’re being open too, and in the mood for communication, they’ll probably start talking to you on their own.
If you feel like saying something (like “hi”), then just say it. No matter what it is. You need no caution or shared interest. Feel free to talk about stupid or crazy or trivial things, it doesn't matter. I'm very spontaneous, so sometimes I say really strange things to people! But you won't believe it, they like it. Once I saw a guy in a CD shop. The next day I came back, and he was there again. I was so surprised that I stared at him and vigorously exclaimed "You again! What are you doing here?!" To what he replied "And what are you doing here?!". We both laughed, the ice was broken.
Some people tend to be way too attached to figuring out which words to use. But the energy you're sending off in that moment is way more important than the content of what you're saying. If you're attached to making a specific impression, you're likely to be self-conscious and to send off a stressed out and unpleasant vibe. If you're feeling self-confident, connected and loving towards this person, they will feel it no matter what you say - and that's what they will get.
And feeling self-confident, connected and loving is a matter of mindset...
Being present is key
I’m not fond of watching one’s body language or using lines, tricks and strategies to socialize. When you focus on what you should say or where to put your hands, you’re not being present in the moment. And that’s not what you want. You can’t connect if you’re not being present. When you’re not being present, you’re not really here. And if you’re not here, how could you meet this person here?
Present moment awareness means focusing on here and now. Don’t think of anything else than what’s happening right now. Don’t try to impress or to analyze, don’t think about what could happen next, or what happened before. Just be here with this person. Be open, listen. Observe your reactions without trying to control them. Let what happens happen. :-)
What I've found to be very useful is to always keep a part of my attention in my inner body. The inner body is what you feel when you focus on your body from the inside. Can you feel the inside of your body as one energetic field? If you can’t, practice feeling it, it’s a great sensation!
To learn more about being present and feeling your inner body, read The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. He’s the great present moment awareness specialist.
Assault old ladies!
If you want to get better at connecting with people, you need to practice. My advice is not to practice with people in your sexual or romantic target group. This would make it much more difficult. The possibility that they interpret your approach as hitting on them could block you, even if it's not at all the case, and even more so if it is the case. ;-) So, avoid that at first. Practice with other people, you'll feel safer.
The ideal targets (hehehe) are old ladies, in my experience they're always happy to get some attention and to have a nice chat. Usually they're also very friendly. Also people the age of your parents, or much younger people.
Little kids and babies are great connectors. It's very easy to connect with a baby, much easier than with an adult. They haven't all the fearful social conditioning to block them. They're curious and spontaneously offer you toothless smiles and wave you goodbye with their little hands.
They can't speak, but it doesn't matter. Remember it's more about the mindset and the energy than about the words. It's about opening up, staying present, and allowing emotions to flow out of you. You'll feel genuine connection even without words.
So, and now go out and talk to people! :-) Good luck!
(Edit: there's a follow-up to this post here.)
For me, talking to strangers is very easy impossible. There are no strangers!
I believe that we are all manifestations of one Consciousness. All others are me too, just in another form, and I’m everybody. I feel one with everything that is, all other humans, animals, plants, inanimate objects, etc.
I also believe that we all permanently communicate with each other. We are one huge network, constantly exchanging information.
This way, you don’t need to connect in the first place: you are already connected, and have always been. We’ve known each other forever. Talking to a “stranger” for me is just recognizing them and acknowledging the bond which already exists between us.
That’s why I behave as if I already knew the people I talk to. Duh, I do! They’re old friends. I just hadn’t met them yet in this life. Time to catch up!
It’s all a matter of mindset
The beliefs I described above allow me to connect with others very fast and easily. It just happens naturally without me trying to do it intentionally. I don’t need to go out of my way for that.
I’m convinced that social skills are a matter of attitude. If you have a hard time connecting, you probably have some blocking beliefs about yourself, other people, social situations, or your own social skills. If you could get rid of them, I’m sure you would be able to connect with strangers as easily as I do. It would just become natural for you to do so.
Here is the description of one possible mindset (incidentally, mine) that yields good results in social situations.
How to do it concretely?
Okay, what to do to connect with a stranger? Connecting is paying attention. Where your attention goes, there goes your energy as well. Therefore, focus your energy on this person.
Look into their eyes. Many people are so afraid of others that they’re too embarrassed to allow eye contact. If you want to connect, you have to be open for connection, and that means eye contact. Looking away is hiding away.
I’m not telling you to stare at someone with a crazy or aggressive glance. Just allow friendly eye contact, you can look away once the person has seen and acknowledged you. When they look back at you, smile, but only if you spontaneously feel like smiling. A fake smile is a turn-off.
And then it’s simple really. If you don’t know what to say, don’t say anything. You don’t need to talk. When you’re being open, others feel it. If they’re being open too, and in the mood for communication, they’ll probably start talking to you on their own.
If you feel like saying something (like “hi”), then just say it. No matter what it is. You need no caution or shared interest. Feel free to talk about stupid or crazy or trivial things, it doesn't matter. I'm very spontaneous, so sometimes I say really strange things to people! But you won't believe it, they like it. Once I saw a guy in a CD shop. The next day I came back, and he was there again. I was so surprised that I stared at him and vigorously exclaimed "You again! What are you doing here?!" To what he replied "And what are you doing here?!". We both laughed, the ice was broken.
Some people tend to be way too attached to figuring out which words to use. But the energy you're sending off in that moment is way more important than the content of what you're saying. If you're attached to making a specific impression, you're likely to be self-conscious and to send off a stressed out and unpleasant vibe. If you're feeling self-confident, connected and loving towards this person, they will feel it no matter what you say - and that's what they will get.
And feeling self-confident, connected and loving is a matter of mindset...
Being present is key
I’m not fond of watching one’s body language or using lines, tricks and strategies to socialize. When you focus on what you should say or where to put your hands, you’re not being present in the moment. And that’s not what you want. You can’t connect if you’re not being present. When you’re not being present, you’re not really here. And if you’re not here, how could you meet this person here?
Present moment awareness means focusing on here and now. Don’t think of anything else than what’s happening right now. Don’t try to impress or to analyze, don’t think about what could happen next, or what happened before. Just be here with this person. Be open, listen. Observe your reactions without trying to control them. Let what happens happen. :-)
What I've found to be very useful is to always keep a part of my attention in my inner body. The inner body is what you feel when you focus on your body from the inside. Can you feel the inside of your body as one energetic field? If you can’t, practice feeling it, it’s a great sensation!
To learn more about being present and feeling your inner body, read The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. He’s the great present moment awareness specialist.
Assault old ladies!
If you want to get better at connecting with people, you need to practice. My advice is not to practice with people in your sexual or romantic target group. This would make it much more difficult. The possibility that they interpret your approach as hitting on them could block you, even if it's not at all the case, and even more so if it is the case. ;-) So, avoid that at first. Practice with other people, you'll feel safer.
The ideal targets (hehehe) are old ladies, in my experience they're always happy to get some attention and to have a nice chat. Usually they're also very friendly. Also people the age of your parents, or much younger people.
Little kids and babies are great connectors. It's very easy to connect with a baby, much easier than with an adult. They haven't all the fearful social conditioning to block them. They're curious and spontaneously offer you toothless smiles and wave you goodbye with their little hands.
They can't speak, but it doesn't matter. Remember it's more about the mindset and the energy than about the words. It's about opening up, staying present, and allowing emotions to flow out of you. You'll feel genuine connection even without words.
So, and now go out and talk to people! :-) Good luck!
(Edit: there's a follow-up to this post here.)
martes, 8 de enero de 2008
Dealing with Emotions
Do you feel overwhelmed by your feelings sometimes? Is it difficult for you to react to strong emotions in an appropriate manner? Don't you know how to stop feeling bad? That's a problem I've had for a long, long time. I found a few useful ways to handle it and thought it could be of some value for you to hear about them.
Taking 100% responsibility
First of all, what helped me most is to understand that it's never the other person or the situation itself that creates my emotion: it's my thoughts about this person or situation. We don't all have the same reaction when in the same situation. It's the thoughts and judgments we have about this situation that lead us to have the feelings we have.
This means that no situation and no other person has any power over how I feel. Everything I feel is 100% my own responsibility. The downside is that I can't blame anyone else for what I feel anymore, 'cause what I feel is caused by nothing else than my own thoughts. It's all me. The upside is that I'm in control: by changing my thoughts, I can change my feelings. And another upside is that I'm not forced to react to a given situation in a certain way. I'm free to react just like I want to. It's my choice.
(Edit: more details about this here: Your Feelings are Self-Made)
The old stinky sneaker
One very simple way to apply this elementar wisdom is the old stinky sneaker image. I can't remember if I invented that image myself or read about it somewhere. It doesn't matter. Imagine you're in a given situation and you feel a strong emotion you'd rather not have. For example, someone is insulting you, and you feel angry. Now imagine that this person insulting you is throwing an old, stinky sneaker at your feet. You're free to put that old shoe on, or not. You can put it on, and feel stinky (angry). Or you can let it lie where it is. And feel good. You're not forced to react to the insults. It's your choice.
Visualizing this old sneaker in every unpleasant situation helps me a lot! I just imagine myself saying "No, thanks!" to the person or situation throwing this old shoe at my feet, and then just going away. I'm not forced to put the old shoe on and feel bad. It makes me feel very free to choose consciously if I want to be perturbed at their shoe or not!
What about positive emotions?
Sometimes positive emotions overwhelm me too, and make me feel bad because it's just too much. It's more than I can express or bear inside of me without exploding. I had to find a better reaction than to dance around crying and laughing hysterically altogether. The old stinky sneaker trick helps me in that case too.
I wouldn't call beautiful, moving and happy situations an old stinky sneaker, so I found another image: imagine that the person or situation is smiling at you and handing you a big, gorgeous chocolate cake with whipped cream and cherries on the top of it (or some other cake you like). Eating the entire cake would be too much, obviously. So tell this person or situation "Oh, thank you so much, that's very nice of you! I'll have a piece of it!" And then take only a small piece of the cake. You're not forced to swallow the whole cake. A small piece of this delicious cake is enough to make you happy.
When I use this cake image, I'm able to stay in control of myself and to allow strong positive emotions without being immediately overwhelmed by them.
What if "no thanks" doesn't work?
Sometimes a situation or statement bugs me so much that the old stinky sneaker doesn't work so really well. Just saying "No thanks" somehow is not a solution in that moment. Then I need to take a look at another aspect of feelings and emotions: they're but signals. They show you whether what you think about this person/statement/situation is currently positive or negative. In this respect, they're very useful. A positive feeling is the result of a positive thought. A negative feeling points to a negative thought. Here's a method to get rid of nasty emotions by getting rid of the negative thoughts that are producing them:
Identify the emotion //"oh, I'm feeling angry"
Try to be as precise as possible. Observe the emotion: is it anger, or hate, or are you upset?
Allow the emotion to be //"It's perfectly ok to be angry now. That's all right."
Accept your emotion and welcome it warmly.
Thank the emotion //"Thank you anger for being here and showing me that I'm having negative thoughts that are not profitable to me"
Aknowledge that your emotions are just a signal pointing to your thoughts.
Identify the thoughts //"ok, which thoughts are making me feel angry?"
This part can be difficult for you if you're not used to such exercises. Be patient, you'll get better with time. Maybe it can help you to write your thoughts down. Allow any thought to pop into your mind, even if it sounds ridiculous or childish.
Let the emotion go //"Thanks anger, I don't need you anymore now, go in peace"
Now that you're aware of your underlying thought, you don't need the signal anymore.
Change the thoughts //"Which thought would feel better than that?"
Now look for a thought that would feel a bit better right now. It doesn't have to be realistic, or true. It can be complete nonsense, imaginary or a lie, that's not important. Important is only that when you think this thought, you feel a bit better. Concentrate on the new thought for about twenty seconds. You'll feel better. Then look for another thought that feels even better and concentrate on it for twenty seconds again. And so on.
If you practice this method a bit, you'll notice that you're always able to choose how you feel by deliberately thinking thoughts that make you feel this way. It doesn't just happen to you. You have full control over how you feel, because you have full control over what you think.
What if I can't identify any thoughts?
This happens to me when confronted to very strong emotions. In such a case the physical symptoms are so overwhelming that there are just no thoughts. At least no thoughts I could be aware of. Recently I was looking for nice tibetan songs on youtube and by mistake saw a horrible video where some animals were being killed. I felt so bad that I almost vomited. My chest was burning, I was crying and sweating. The emotion was so strong that the intellectual approach above would not have helped me. More precisely, I wouldn't have been able to apply it.
In such cases I use EFT. EFT, Emotional Freedom Technique, is a very powerful way to deal with emotions. It's easy and fast to learn, it works quickly and it's highly efficient. EFT is a more physical approach of the problem. It can be used to cure physical pain too, btw.
The principle is that a negative emotion is a blockade in your energy system. By tapping some energetic points on your body while focusing on your problem, you remove the blockade and teach your body to let the energy flow even when you think of this problem. It won't solve the problem itself. But you'll feel good even when confronted to that problem again. After this youtube accident, these images were pursueing me. I tapped it every time it came up. I had to do it 3-4 times a day for a few days. But now I can think of that video without having any bad emotions.
I highly recommend EFT to everyone. If you're interested, look at eft-therapy.com. There are infos about the theory behind EFT, a nice free tutorial for beginners, and a lot more.
Taking 100% responsibility
First of all, what helped me most is to understand that it's never the other person or the situation itself that creates my emotion: it's my thoughts about this person or situation. We don't all have the same reaction when in the same situation. It's the thoughts and judgments we have about this situation that lead us to have the feelings we have.
This means that no situation and no other person has any power over how I feel. Everything I feel is 100% my own responsibility. The downside is that I can't blame anyone else for what I feel anymore, 'cause what I feel is caused by nothing else than my own thoughts. It's all me. The upside is that I'm in control: by changing my thoughts, I can change my feelings. And another upside is that I'm not forced to react to a given situation in a certain way. I'm free to react just like I want to. It's my choice.
(Edit: more details about this here: Your Feelings are Self-Made)
The old stinky sneaker
One very simple way to apply this elementar wisdom is the old stinky sneaker image. I can't remember if I invented that image myself or read about it somewhere. It doesn't matter. Imagine you're in a given situation and you feel a strong emotion you'd rather not have. For example, someone is insulting you, and you feel angry. Now imagine that this person insulting you is throwing an old, stinky sneaker at your feet. You're free to put that old shoe on, or not. You can put it on, and feel stinky (angry). Or you can let it lie where it is. And feel good. You're not forced to react to the insults. It's your choice.
Visualizing this old sneaker in every unpleasant situation helps me a lot! I just imagine myself saying "No, thanks!" to the person or situation throwing this old shoe at my feet, and then just going away. I'm not forced to put the old shoe on and feel bad. It makes me feel very free to choose consciously if I want to be perturbed at their shoe or not!
What about positive emotions?
Sometimes positive emotions overwhelm me too, and make me feel bad because it's just too much. It's more than I can express or bear inside of me without exploding. I had to find a better reaction than to dance around crying and laughing hysterically altogether. The old stinky sneaker trick helps me in that case too.
I wouldn't call beautiful, moving and happy situations an old stinky sneaker, so I found another image: imagine that the person or situation is smiling at you and handing you a big, gorgeous chocolate cake with whipped cream and cherries on the top of it (or some other cake you like). Eating the entire cake would be too much, obviously. So tell this person or situation "Oh, thank you so much, that's very nice of you! I'll have a piece of it!" And then take only a small piece of the cake. You're not forced to swallow the whole cake. A small piece of this delicious cake is enough to make you happy.
When I use this cake image, I'm able to stay in control of myself and to allow strong positive emotions without being immediately overwhelmed by them.
What if "no thanks" doesn't work?
Sometimes a situation or statement bugs me so much that the old stinky sneaker doesn't work so really well. Just saying "No thanks" somehow is not a solution in that moment. Then I need to take a look at another aspect of feelings and emotions: they're but signals. They show you whether what you think about this person/statement/situation is currently positive or negative. In this respect, they're very useful. A positive feeling is the result of a positive thought. A negative feeling points to a negative thought. Here's a method to get rid of nasty emotions by getting rid of the negative thoughts that are producing them:
Identify the emotion //"oh, I'm feeling angry"
Try to be as precise as possible. Observe the emotion: is it anger, or hate, or are you upset?
Allow the emotion to be //"It's perfectly ok to be angry now. That's all right."
Accept your emotion and welcome it warmly.
Thank the emotion //"Thank you anger for being here and showing me that I'm having negative thoughts that are not profitable to me"
Aknowledge that your emotions are just a signal pointing to your thoughts.
Identify the thoughts //"ok, which thoughts are making me feel angry?"
This part can be difficult for you if you're not used to such exercises. Be patient, you'll get better with time. Maybe it can help you to write your thoughts down. Allow any thought to pop into your mind, even if it sounds ridiculous or childish.
Let the emotion go //"Thanks anger, I don't need you anymore now, go in peace"
Now that you're aware of your underlying thought, you don't need the signal anymore.
Change the thoughts //"Which thought would feel better than that?"
Now look for a thought that would feel a bit better right now. It doesn't have to be realistic, or true. It can be complete nonsense, imaginary or a lie, that's not important. Important is only that when you think this thought, you feel a bit better. Concentrate on the new thought for about twenty seconds. You'll feel better. Then look for another thought that feels even better and concentrate on it for twenty seconds again. And so on.
If you practice this method a bit, you'll notice that you're always able to choose how you feel by deliberately thinking thoughts that make you feel this way. It doesn't just happen to you. You have full control over how you feel, because you have full control over what you think.
What if I can't identify any thoughts?
This happens to me when confronted to very strong emotions. In such a case the physical symptoms are so overwhelming that there are just no thoughts. At least no thoughts I could be aware of. Recently I was looking for nice tibetan songs on youtube and by mistake saw a horrible video where some animals were being killed. I felt so bad that I almost vomited. My chest was burning, I was crying and sweating. The emotion was so strong that the intellectual approach above would not have helped me. More precisely, I wouldn't have been able to apply it.
In such cases I use EFT. EFT, Emotional Freedom Technique, is a very powerful way to deal with emotions. It's easy and fast to learn, it works quickly and it's highly efficient. EFT is a more physical approach of the problem. It can be used to cure physical pain too, btw.
The principle is that a negative emotion is a blockade in your energy system. By tapping some energetic points on your body while focusing on your problem, you remove the blockade and teach your body to let the energy flow even when you think of this problem. It won't solve the problem itself. But you'll feel good even when confronted to that problem again. After this youtube accident, these images were pursueing me. I tapped it every time it came up. I had to do it 3-4 times a day for a few days. But now I can think of that video without having any bad emotions.
I highly recommend EFT to everyone. If you're interested, look at eft-therapy.com. There are infos about the theory behind EFT, a nice free tutorial for beginners, and a lot more.
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