How Many VIPs in your Life?

One mistake you can make in your relationships is what I call VIP-thinking. You have VIP-thinking when some people in your life are very important in your eyes: romantic partner(s), parents and children, friends, clients maybe. And then, "the others". These others usually are not considered important. They are often treated with indifference, distance,  coldness or even contempt, whereas the "loved ones" and "important" people get consideration, attention and love.

People prone to VIP-thinking often long for deep connections and loving relationships. They do want to have friends and lovers. They just draw clear boundaries between the VIPs, that they are willing to love,  and the rest of humanity, that they are not willing to love.

VIP-thinking leads to poor results.

If you sow indifference, contempt, distance, coldness and separation, how could you reap unity, warmth, love, deep connections, closeness or respect? These are not a match for each other.

How about this? Love everybody. Give attention, love and respect to everybody. Connect with everybody from your heart and core. Cast love at others and express appreciation for them, no matter who they are.

If you are only willing to love and open up to some people and treat all others like extras, you are not doing yourself a favor. You can only feel fully loved if you vibrate with love  yourself. When you close your heart, look away, build walls, put people in different boxes, or apply conditionality to your feelings, you are not vibrating with love.

There are no VIPs. Everybody is a very important person. Make the whole world your loved ones. You'll feel the same love being reflected at you from all sides.

You Have Millions of Next-Door Neighbors

Tomorrow is my mother's birthday. My grandmother asked me to find one of those old-fashioned, non-electric tea kettles for her, so I went on a shopping expedition today - which I only did because I love my mother and grandmother dearly, 'cause I hate shopping. When I came back, victorious, with an authentic old-fashioned, non-electric tea kettle in stainless steel under my arm, I met two enormous, ferocious looking dogs on the street.

I was happy to see them, I love dogs and they generally like me too. Those two came and greeted me in a very friendly way, and I went all "You're one cute doggie!!!". They had three humans with them, a female and two males. The female asked me if I'm not scared. I replied that no, I'm not scared of dogs. She said something about being new in the neighborhood and everybody being scared of the dogs, so I welcomed her in her new environment, and we talked for a few minutes about how she's just moving in on the fourth floor, that I live a few streets from there, that the neighborhood is very quiet and nice and where to take the dogs for a walk.

After a few minutes of nice conversation I wished everybody a nice day and left. The humans seemed a bit surprised about my friendliness. I don't understand that. I don't get why people are surprised when other people are friendly to them. Friendliness is default! Being friendly is like being happy: you need no specific reason for that.

This incident reminded me of another one that happened in summer. Víkþórr came to visit, and after we had been outside together a few times he once said to me: "You talk with everybody as if they were your next-door neighbors". This sentence still continues to stupefy me. Because, well... they are! Duh.

Even when someone lives a few streets away, or in another city, or in another country, they still are my next-door neighbors! Ever heard of quantum teleportation or psychic abilities? Distance isn't relevant. We are all connected, whether we are one meter or five thousand kilometers away from each other. Why would person A be more worthy of my friendliness than person B, just because A happens to live closer to me than B?

You have millions and millions of next-door neighbors. Isn't that wonderful? :-)

How to Connect with Strangers

(This post is the how-to part of Chit-Chat with Strangers.)

For me, talking to strangers is very easy impossible. There are no strangers!

I believe that we are all manifestations of one Consciousness. All others are me too, just in another form, and I’m everybody. I feel one with everything that is, all other humans, animals, plants, inanimate objects, etc.

I also believe that we all permanently communicate with each other. We are one huge network, constantly exchanging information.

This way, you don’t need to connect in the first place: you are already connected, and have always been. We’ve known each other forever. Talking to a “stranger” for me is just recognizing them and acknowledging the bond which already exists between us.

That’s why I behave as if I already knew the people I talk to. Duh, I do! They’re old friends. I just hadn’t met them yet in this life. Time to catch up!

It’s all a matter of mindset

The beliefs I described above allow me to connect with others very fast and easily. It just happens naturally without me trying to do it intentionally. I don’t need to go out of my way for that.

I’m convinced that social skills are a matter of attitude. If you have a hard time connecting, you probably have some blocking beliefs about yourself, other people, social situations, or your own social skills. If you could get rid of them, I’m sure you would be able to connect with strangers as easily as I do. It would just become natural for you to do so.

Here is the description of one possible mindset (incidentally, mine) that yields good results in social situations.

How to do it concretely?

Okay, what to do to connect with a stranger? Connecting is paying attention. Where your attention goes, there goes your energy as well. Therefore, focus your energy on this person.

Look into their eyes. Many people are so afraid of others that they’re too embarrassed to allow eye contact. If you want to connect, you have to be open for connection, and that means eye contact. Looking away is hiding away.

I’m not telling you to stare at someone with a crazy or aggressive glance. Just allow friendly eye contact, you can look away once the person has seen and acknowledged you. When they look back at you, smile, but only if you spontaneously feel like smiling. A fake smile is a turn-off.

And then it’s simple really. If you don’t know what to say, don’t say anything. You don’t need to talk. When you’re being open, others feel it. If they’re being open too, and in the mood for communication, they’ll probably start talking to you on their own.

If you feel like saying something (like “hi”), then just say it. No matter what it is. You need no caution or shared interest. Feel free to talk about stupid or crazy or trivial things, it doesn't matter. I'm very spontaneous, so sometimes I say really strange things to people! But you won't believe it, they like it. Once I saw a guy in a CD shop. The next day I came back, and he was there again. I was so surprised that I stared at him and vigorously exclaimed "You again! What are you doing here?!" To what he replied "And what are you doing here?!". We both laughed, the ice was broken.

Some people tend to be way too attached to figuring out which words to use. But the energy you're sending off in that moment is way more important than the content of what you're saying. If you're attached to making a specific impression, you're likely to be self-conscious and to send off a stressed out and unpleasant vibe. If you're feeling self-confident, connected and loving towards this person, they will feel it no matter what you say - and that's what they will get.

And feeling self-confident, connected and loving is a matter of mindset...

Being present is key

I’m not fond of watching one’s body language or using lines, tricks and strategies to socialize. When you focus on what you should say or where to put your hands, you’re not being present in the moment. And that’s not what you want. You can’t connect if you’re not being present. When you’re not being present, you’re not really here. And if you’re not here, how could you meet this person here?

Present moment awareness means focusing on here and now. Don’t think of anything else than what’s happening right now. Don’t try to impress or to analyze, don’t think about what could happen next, or what happened before. Just be here with this person. Be open, listen. Observe your reactions without trying to control them. Let what happens happen. :-)

What I've found to be very useful is to always keep a part of my attention in my inner body. The inner body is what you feel when you focus on your body from the inside. Can you feel the inside of your body as one energetic field? If you can’t, practice feeling it, it’s a great sensation!

To learn more about being present and feeling your inner body, read The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. He’s the great present moment awareness specialist.

Assault old ladies!

If you want to get better at connecting with people, you need to practice. My advice is not to practice with people in your sexual or romantic target group. This would make it much more difficult. The possibility that they interpret your approach as hitting on them could block you, even if it's not at all the case, and even more so if it is the case. ;-) So, avoid that at first. Practice with other people, you'll feel safer.

The ideal targets (hehehe) are old ladies, in my experience they're always happy to get some attention and to have a nice chat. Usually they're also very friendly. Also people the age of your parents, or much younger people.

Little kids and babies are great connectors. It's very easy to connect with a baby, much easier than with an adult. They haven't all the fearful social conditioning to block them. They're curious and spontaneously offer you toothless smiles and wave you goodbye with their little hands.

They can't speak, but it doesn't matter. Remember it's more about the mindset and the energy than about the words. It's about opening up, staying present, and allowing emotions to flow out of you. You'll feel genuine connection even without words.

So, and now go out and talk to people! :-) Good luck!

(Edit: there's a follow-up to this post here.)

Chit-Chat with Strangers

I love to chat with strangers. You can do it everywhere: on the street, in a shop, while queuing somewhere...

Recently I was at the florist's, looking for flowers to experiment with, when a guy who was looking at the roses turned to me and asked me whether he should buy the red ones or the pink ones.
- For whom are they? I asked.
- For a girl.
- And what do you feel towards her?
- Friendship. She's a friend of mine. It's her birthday. The flowers are meant to be a surprise.
- Don't take the red ones then.
We briefly talked about the language of flowers and what those in front of us meant. I told him I liked the orange roses best.
- But they weren't part of the choice, he said.
- ok, take the pink ones then.
He did, and left with a big smile, wishing me a nice day.

I decided to buy the orange roses. As I was paying, I asked the florist if she likes her job. I was just curious, I wonder how it feels to be a florist. She was very surprised, looks like nobody asks her that question usually. She smiled, a bit puzzled and said yes, it's a nice job. She seemed to suddenly remember that she had a nice job indeed.

Such small talk with strangers is a lovely embellishment of my everyday life. It's nothing life altering or world changing, but I really like it. It makes my strolls through the city more interesting, and my whole life more beautiful.

Small talk isn't necessarily shallow. Strangers often talk with me about their private life, about their feelings, their fears or their relationships. You can become intimate with someone in the space of a minute.

Once in Germany I met an old lady on a bus. She sat down next to me, looking tired. I said "Hello." and smiled, happy to see her. She was such an adorable airy old-fashioned lady with white hair and an umbrella in her hand. She confided to me that she had been attending a tea dance. And she got to dance with a few gentlemen! I grinned. After just five minutes, she was leaning against my shoulder, whispering things into my ear about the gentlemen in her youth. We giggled like two school girls for twenty minutes till I had to alight from the bus. It was a fun bus ride!

When you're being open to communication, other people feel it, even when you're not talking to them. And then weird things happen sometimes. It's magic!

A few days ago I was walking in a neighborhood unknown to me, looking for the location of a tango class. Two young women were walking ahead of me. Suddenly one of them turned to me, claiming "You! You're spying on us!" She was kidding. I laughed.
- Oh crap! Now I got caught!
- You were following us!
- I admit. I even heard everything you just said!
The two laughed. I asked them if they knew the place I was looking for, but they didn't. So I decided to check another street. I thanked them and left.
- Hey! They called after me, And have a nice evening!

Hehehehehe.

Talk to strangers on the street. Open up. It's fun and makes everybody's life nicer. If you think you're too shy, I once was the shyest person on this planet. That's something you can work on. Imagine everybody greeting each other and chit-chatting on the streets. Wouldn't that be wonderful? :-)