Are you Building Yourself or Sculpting Yourself?

I'm fond of personal development. But there is one thing about personal development that irks me a bit. It's this habit of "building". Building courage. Building self-discipline. Building self-confidence. Building personality. Building skills. Building, building, building.

I did adhere to this kind of mindset in the past too. I used to try and "build". The more I grow though, the more I think this approach is disempowering.

Building implies that you don't have it yet. It's not fully there, you need to build some more of it first. So basically, building means believing you're not whole, perfect and complete yet. To me this feels like lack and conditionality.

I prefer to believe that we are already whole, perfect and complete. All energies are at all times available to all of us. When we choose to expand in a new direction, we simply reveal this aspect of us - which was already present.

Everything you could ever wish to be, you already are! You just don't notice because of the negative stuff covering it: for example, your fears, and your limiting beliefs. Some old pain. Attachment. Emotional blocks. Maybe some negative stuff going on at soul level.

Maybe you also choose not to see what you already are. After all, seeing it would mean going a scary, uncomfortable path. It's more convenient to buy into the belief that you "don't have it" yet and first need to "build".

Wasn't it Michelangelo who said about his David that he already lived in the stone, and that he just freed him by taking everything away that wasn't him? It's the same with you. The you that you would like to be already lives inside the big, rough stone that is your current you. There is nothing here to build on top of that. You just need to free yourself. Chop all the stone off that is not truly you. Reveal the diamond.

You already have all the courage, confidence and all the other good qualities that you wish for. It's all there in the stone, just covered by a layer of something that is not truly you. You already have a wonderful personality. When you release fear and negativity, it will shine through bright and clear.

You even already have the skills. They're not apparent yet. But they're present in the realm of potential realities, in the stone. If you feel drawn to them, then they are available to you. Every time you practice, you learn to connect with them. Every time you practice, you chop some stone away, and reveal this facet of you a bit more.

The real you is already there. You don't need to build anything. Just to take away what's too much. Throw out what hides you. Chop off what prevents you from freely expressing who you are at your very core. Shed all this unnecessary stuff - and let us see who you truly are. :-) The great thing about it is that you are both the artist and the sculpture.

Do you think this is pointless hair splitting? Just a matter of words? Well, personal development is all about words. The words you use daily to talk about yourself, about others, about the world, the words you use to describe your goals, your beliefs, your actions: all these words, that is an important part of what shapes your reality.

I personally feel very differently about myself and my goals since I switched from building to sculpting. It makes a huge, positive difference in my mindset, and leads to better results.

Next time you want to develop yourself in some area, ask yourself carefully: do I really want to build it? Or do I want to sculpt it?

Happy sculpting! :-)

How To Be Invulnerable to Affronts

Being "different" often means taking flak. How to deal properly with insults, verbal attacks, demeaning comments, or simply with non-constructive critics? And how not to get hurt by it? Here are a few tips on how to become invulnerable in such situations.

Never Take Anything Personally

That's one of my mottoes. Never take anything personally. When other people criticize, dislike, or attack you, that is an expression of their state of being, a manifestation of what is going on inside them. Others tend to dislike in you what they dislike about themselves. They see their beliefs either mirrored or challenged by you, that is what they criticize. They resist their own reality. They attack you because of the fear and insecurity inside of them. If they had no fear and no self-rejection whatsoever in their heart, if they felt completely safe and at peace with themselves, they would be at peace with you, too, and would not feel the need to belittle you.

It is interesting to observe how others react, it says so much about them! You can learn a lot about someone by just listening to what they say about you or about the world. So, when someone treats you in a way that you find hurtful or offensive, don't take it personally. It's not about you, it's about them.

Just switch perspectives and see where they are coming from. What must their world look like? What kind of values do they have? What pain, insecurity or fear can you perceive in the way they treat you? What is going on inside of them, that leads to such a behavior?

Over-analyzing other people's behavior is futile and irrelevant. What counts is how you respond, not why they do what they do. However, it can be really helpful to remember that what is happening is always primarily about them, not about you. Having a look at their perspective enables you to gain some distance and understanding.

Btw, this also applies the other way around, when you dislike or attack others, and it also applies for positive feedback, which also says a lot about the one giving it and is more about them than about you. Never take compliments personally either. ;)

See Everything as Feedback

Now when I say it is about them, not about you, that's not entirely correct. It does say a lot about you, too. Just not literally. When someone calls you lazy, it does not mean in the slightest that you are lazy. But it definitely means that you have some negative beliefs around being lazy, or this person, or this situation, etc.

Everything going on in your life is a reflection of your current energetic state of being and of your belief system. You get to see what you believe in. You also attract experiences that match your vibration. If something totally does not resonate with you at all, it cannot show up in your reality.

So, when you are confronted with critics, attacks, animosity etc.,

ask yourself what kinds of beliefs you have about yourself, other people, this person, the situation you are in, etc., that manifest this way. Where is the fear in you, where is the insecurity? Where are the negative thoughts about yourself?
Ask yourself why you attract such people and situations into your life, to begin with. Maybe you believe that this situation/project/goal would be very difficult - and that is how it manifests. Maybe you believe that the world is a harsh place to live in, or that other people are mean. And so on. There must be something in you that calls such experiences.
Also ask yourself what kind of vibrations you are currently sending out. Are you dwelling on negative thoughts, or in a bad place emotionally? Is there any aggressiveness or violence inside of you that the world mirrors back to you this way? Do you feel any contempt for others?

In short, what in you is a good match for what is happening to you? We reap what we sow. Everything is feedback, your whole life is a giant mirror. Look into the mirror. By becoming aware of what you reap, you learn about what you sow - and then you can choose different seeds. :-)

Heal your Belief System

The very best way I have found to become invulnerable is to change my beliefs, be it about others, about life and the world in general, and about myself.

Only the truth hurts. Or, to be more precise, only what you believe to be true can hurt you. If someone told you that you are ugly for having green hair, and you have no green hair, you would probably just think they are weird. Only what you think is true can touch you. If you have green hair but you think it's great to have green hair, someone telling you that you are ugly for having green hair would not hurt you either. Only what resonates with some painful judgment about yourself inside of you can cause you any damage.

For example, I have a problem with my being overweight. I'm currently working on that, so in a few months it won't be true anymore - but for now, it still is a huge issue for me. Incidentally, I have been repeatedly criticized in the past for being overweight, and it hurt like hell. That is NO coincidence! It is also no coincidence that I never get criticized for being, say, short. I am very short. The "perfect women"in the media are tall. Yet nobody ever tells me that I am too short. But too fat, yeah, even though I'm certainly not obese. Why? Because fat is exactly what I have a problem with, whereas I have no problem at all with being short. It would feel so weird to me to believe that being short is unattractive that this just never shows up in my reality.

When you heal your beliefs, especially your beliefs about yourself, what other people say to you or about you cannot hurt you anymore. They will even probably stop saying negative things anyway.

Not taking the affronts personally, seeing them as feedback about your belief system and vibrational state, and working on shifting both, that is the basis if you want to become invulnerable. I have worked so much on myself in the past that now, my overweight is the only weakness left that you can really hurt me with. (But not for long anymore! So if you want to insult me effectively, you better hurry up. :D )

Here are a few more things that help, additionally:

Approve of Yourself

Loving ourselves and approving of ourselves are two different things. I can love someone dearly, yet disapprove of their actions. Recently I have discovered how much it helps to approve of ourselves unconditionally. For example, it didn't help me with my overweight to love my body. I totally love my body! But I was still disapproving of its annoying fat storing habits. I feel so much better now that I approve of them! Yes, I approve of my body storing fat. :-)

Just try it out. Choose to approve of yourself, no matter what you do, no matter what mistakes you make, no matter how <insert negative judgment about yourself here> you are. Look at yourself in a mirror and say out loud "I approve of myself! <Your first name>, I approve of you!". It feels great. :-)

Approving of yourself does not mean that you can never change anymore. It simply means acknowledging that you are always doing the very best you can with what you are given. That IS the case. So, approve of it. It will make you even more invulnerable. The more you approve of yourself, the less other people will feel the need to disapprove of you. :-)

Raise your Vibration

To not resonate anymore with bad stuff, raise your vibration! Do things that make you happy. Deliberately think thoughts that make you feel good. Focus on the positive, always on the positive, and always on what you like or want, never on what you dislike or don't want. Put some clean food into your body. Dance, sing and rejoice! Fall in love! Randomly tell someone something nice! Smile! Laugh! Send love to others! Hug!

Love and joy are the best shields there are. :-)

Respond with Love

At the beginning of this post, I wrote that when people criticize, insult, attack or offend you, that is because of some crappy stuff going on inside of them. Knowing this, you could send some love to them. Love heals everything, especially fear. You won't completely heal them by sending some love once, but it can only help. They might not notice, but they receive it. Aggressiveness is disharmony. Disharmony can be healed with lots of love. When you love them, you make them more loving and harmonious, and as a pleasant side-effect they will go around attacking others (including you) less.

Be loving to yourself and others, and your world will be loving too. :-)

Choose Your Beliefs Wisely

Your belief system has a crucial impact on your life. Fortunately, you are in control of it. What kinds of beliefs do you let into your head, and how do you know they are right for you?

Your beliefs determine the reality you live in.

Some people (including me) think that our beliefs literally create our reality, on an energetic level. Beliefs are energy. When you send out energy into the Universe in the form of beliefs, you attract energies around you that resonate with your own vibration. It's like when two waves adjust to each other when they are in contact. Everything in your life, be it people, situations, or objects, is energy, and all of it is in your life because it is in alignment with your own energy.

Even if you don't subscribe to this worldview, the fact remains that the reality you perceive is highly dependent on your beliefs. For example, it's a classical thing that when we are in a good mood, we tend to see all the positive things around us, and ignore the negative ones. When we are in a bad mood, we tend to oversee the good things and notice what sucks. We are permanently filtering the information that reaches our brain, and tend to let only what fits our current beliefs about the world reach our consciousness. I even read a fascinating article about brain research once, explaining that our brain fills in information that is missing - and even corrects the information it gets when this information does not seem to make sense.

Last but not least, what you believe directly affects your reality, because it directly influences the way you behave! And the way you behave has consequences on events and other people's reactions. If you believe that people are friendly and trustworthy, you will interact with them in a nice and confident way, which in turn is likely to make them feel like treating you well. If on the contrary you believe that the world is crowded with stupid jerks, you won't treat others very well, and probably won't get very positive feedback either.

No matter what the explanation for it is, it all boils down to the fact that we get what we believe.

You are free to choose your beliefs.

The good news is that beliefs are a choice. They may appear as something immutable and absolutely true - but that's not the case. After all, you learned your beliefs from your parents, your teachers, your friends, the media... If you were born in a different country, at a different time in history, or even in a different family, your beliefs would be completely different. So if beliefs are such a random thing anyway, this means that you can choose to believe whatever you want.

Pick beliefs that truly serve you.

Since your beliefs have such a huge impact on your life, and since you are free to choose them, why not pick beliefs that bring you the best results? That's what I do. I consciously choose beliefs that are positive and aligned with my goals. When I find a belief that sabotages me, I throw it out. I aim to fill my head with empowering, loving, abundant, healthy, and effective beliefs. The kind that helps me to reach my goals and brings me the highest level of satisfaction, fulfillment, achievement and happiness.

Some time ago I was talking about this with my friend Ken. He asked if that is not a "the end justifies the means"-attitude.

Well, in some way, yes. What matters to me are the results. I know what I want, and I see my beliefs as a tool to get there. Some people are very attached to believing only "true" things. It's almost as if they were afraid of being ridiculed forever if they happened to believe something "wrong". What's so scary about picking a belief without knowing if there is some objective Truth to corroborate it?

What I see is that every time I upgrade my beliefs, I do better. I feel better, I am happier, reaching my goals becomes easier, and the whole world is nicer. In my life I went from living in a horrible world to living in a wonderful world, just because of the power of my beliefs. That is what matters to me. Not being right.

Maybe that's because I believe there is no objective right and wrong, true and false anyway.

Find your own truth.

Even though I intentionally pick beliefs that serve me, I don't just pick any belief that looks like it would yield good results. It's more a matter of intuition. Some beliefs just resonate with me very deeply. When I think them, I feel some kind of excited knowing go through my body. Everything in me screams "Yes! This is true!" - or maybe more something like "Yes! I like that!". So I adopt these beliefs because they feel right to me. They just happen to also be the ones that lead to success!

With other beliefs, when I think them, I feel... nothing. And then I know this is just not for me. Doesn't mean it's not true or valuable - it's just not appropriate for me at this time.

I remember how I became spiritual. I was raised as a radical atheist in a very anti-religious and anti-spiritual environment. As a young adult I read the Bible, the Koran, did some research about Taoism... but all this just did not resonate with me. Then some day, I read I don't even remember where the sentence "You are a spiritual Being incarnated on Earth to grow and learn...". When I read this, I immediately knew it was true for me! I just knew it deep down in my gut, it was so clear. It made me feel extremely happy.

So maybe choosing beliefs that serve us is not so much about arbitrarily picking beliefs that our rational mind thinks would be practical - it's more about finding the beliefs that we intuitively recognize as our truth, the truth that expresses who we are at our deepest core, and that is aligned with our soul's highest path and purpose.

Giving ourselves permission to freely choose our beliefs simply enables us to tap into our own inner wisdom. The beliefs we find there are authentic. That's why they are the ones that yield the best results. Everything is so much easier when we express what we truly are, and align with our soul's highest path and purpose!

Don't Avoid Hurting Others

The flipside of being 100% responsible for your own feelings is that you are NOT responsible for other people's feelings. They are just as responsible for their own feelings as you are for yours: 100%.

You never need to worry about hurting, annoying or saddening others. If they're hurt, angry or sad, that's their problem to deal with, and none of your business.
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I know you'll think I'm heartless again. :D But this really is a loving attitude. Granting others the power to be fully responsible for their own stuff allows them to be strong, and to get stronger. It shows that you see them as the powerful, responsible creators of their own feelings. It is a compliment.

The other way around, trying to protect them from getting hurt, trying to take responsibility for them, sends off the message to them "You're weak. You're not able to take it.". Is that what you want to teach those you love about themselves?
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Imagine you're doing some trekking in the mountains, and carrying a backpack. Suddenly some bozo shows up and absolutely wants to help you carry your backpack. WTF. As if you weren't strong enough to carry it on your own!

Now let's assume you are not strong enough to carry it on your own. You might be thankful to this nice person for helping you. But are they really helping you, long-term? If you don't carry your backpack yourself, you will never grow the muscles that you need to carry it. In the long run, you will become dependent on always having someone carry it for you.

Some people don't believe that they're fully responsible for their feelings. They give their power away to external circumstances and let those hurt them. Or they aren't able to deal with their emotions yet. Or in that particular case, it was just too much for them. They do get hurt. Is it a solution to protect them by taking responsibility for them? No. In the long run, you're not doing them a favor. You're depriving them of the opportunity to flex their muscles and grow.
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Taking responsibility for other people's feelings is not only ineffective, it's also highly disrespectful towards them. You cannot take the backpack off their back to carry it yourself entirely. Other people's feelings are still their feelings no matter what. So when you help them carry their backpack, while their backpack is still on their back, you need to get very close to them.

Too close. By doing this, you trespass their boundaries.Taking responsibility for others is a violation of their personal boundaries. It is abusive. Their feelings are their feelings and none of your business! Stay away.
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Last but not least, what happens when two persons, closely entangled, carry the same backpack? They have to lean onto each other to walk, and probably stagger around awkwardly. Translate: co-dependent relationships. That's unhealthy. It is also very limiting for you and will drain your energy. And nobody really moves forward with their life.
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Do you ever try to avoid hurting others? Do you think you are in any way responsible for the way they feel or could feel? Where are you carrying someone else's backpack?
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The contrary of "well" is "well meant". Taking responsibility for other people's feelings is nice, but totally inappropriate. The only respectful thing to do is to let others go their own path, have their own personal space, and take care of their own shit, without interfering. Who am I to decide whether they can or cannot do it? No matter what it might look like, they do have the power. We all have the power. You're not helping them to discover theirs by acting as if they didn't have it!

I prefer someone who trusts me to be able to deal with my stuff. Even if sometimes I'm not able to, and fall on my nose and get hurt. Their trust in me might be wrong for this one time, but it shows they believe in me. And THAT pushes me to be the very best I can be. Surround yourself with people who believe in you and trust you to be able to take care of yourself, and you will end up living up to their trust. Believe in the people you love. Trust them to be able to take it, and they will. :-)
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And to begin with, who are you to think your behavior can make others angry, sad or happy? You arrogant prick. Do you think you have this power? That's an illusion. You have none anyway. Their feelings depend entirely on their own choices. They don't have much to do with you - even if sometimes they would like you to believe it, especially if they're smelly orcs or manipulators. And even if sometimes you would like to believe it too, for some twisted reasons, like because it gives you the illusion of having power over them, or because you assume it would mean you're important to them.
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In the end, the bottom line is that you don't have the power to determine other people's feelings. You also are not responsible for other people's feelings. They are. Don't try to avoid hurting others, it is inappropriate, disrespectful and not very helpful, neither to you nor to them.

Your Feelings are Self-Made

Imagine it's early in the morning, and you are standing in the bakery, waiting for your turn to buy a baguette. (There's no baguette where you live? Never mind, just imagine you're French.) Suddenly some guy rushes in, ignores you and loudly asks for two croissants right under your nose. How do you react?

You could feel humiliated, remember that other people always walk all over you, but be too timid to claim your breadly rights (and feel bad about that too).
You could think “Wow, this guy must really be in a hurry today!”, smile and admire the beautiful cake in front of you.
You could be outraged at such rudeness, step forward and politely but firmly ask for your baguette, dammit.
You could feel sorry for the poor devil, because you imagine he gets whipped around by his wife and has to bring her croissants asap or else she'll nag at him for a month.

There is not only one single way to react to a given situation.

The way you feel, what you think and how you behave in any situation is never caused directly by the situation itself. It's only the consequence of the way you perceive this situation.

This is linked to whether you judge what happens as good, bad, neutral, or don't judge it at all. It depends on what the situation means to you. You will see it through the filter of your beliefs and interpret it accordingly. You will be influenced in that by your general attitude and way of being. More generally, your reaction is a manifestation of your mental, emotional and energetic state of being.

The feelings of someone who is usually in a state of fear and insecurity will be completely different from the feelings of someone who is in a confident state of power and peace, even if the situation is the same.

Fortunately, we are not the victims of our beliefs and state of being! We can pick our beliefs. We can choose to engage with certain energies, or not. Therefore, we are free to choose how we react. We are the creators of our own feelings.

Which also means that we are 100% responsible for them. If we are the ones creating and choosing them, then logically they are entirely our own responsibility and nobody else's. Full power and full responsibility go hand in hand.

As I learned in my Soul Realignment training, sometimes we have some blocks at soul-level that create negative thoughts and/or emotions in us. These thoughts and emotions are not truly ours, even though we identify them as such. In such a case, it can be difficult to choose how we feel. No matter how much we work on it, we will just have this negative stuff pop into our mind and make us feel bad.

However, we only have these soul-level blocks because at some point we made a choice that allowed them to be there. We didn't do it intentionally or consciously, but it still was our doing. So, indirectly, our feelings still are the consequence of our own choice. The only difference is that if we are affected by such a soul-level block, we might need some Soul Realignment to get rid of it, whereas if we don't have such a block, we have the full power to change our feelings right now. In the end it still boils down to the fact that we are 100% responsible for them.

I once lost my best friend over the 100% responsibility principle. When I discovered it, I was in a very close friendship with a girl I liked a lot. Realizing that I was responsible for my own feelings was one of the biggest breakthroughs in my life! It was several years ago. Back then, I was emotionally unstable and struggling with negative feelings. The idea of being able to choose the way I felt was like paradise to me. It opened completely unexpected doors.

Of course she was the first one I told about it. To my great surprise, she got very angry. She perceived it as meaning that her feelings would be her fault and that she would not be entitled to feel bad anymore. I tried to explain to her that it has nothing to do with fault. I was so enthusiastic. All I saw was the awesome power such an attitude gives us. But she maintained that others cause her feelings, and that for any normal person, feeling bad is a logical and necessary consequence of crappy life circumstances.

I remember her defending her powerlessness as if it were a right. Or even a duty. Like, if someone is mean to you and you don't feel bad, then you must be some kind of heartless bitch. We had a big heated argument about this and from that day on I never saw her again. She just stopped calling. I didn't call her either. I just knew we were not compatible with each other anymore. So I let her go.

It is true that when we accept full responsibility for our feelings, we cannot blame anybody else for them anymore. Damn. But on the other hand, it gives us so much power! It makes us invulnerable and safe no matter what our life circumstances are. Even when we don't succeed in feeling good all the time, at least we know that when we feel bad, we are the one actually choosing to feel bad. We are the one doing this to ourselves. Nobody else can hurt us as long as we don't accept to hurt ourselves.

Then we don't need to be afraid of things such as rejection, abandonment or judgment anymore. We can let go of control and protections. Bye bye, walls and weapons. What a freedom! :-)

Is it Safe to Trust Everybody?

I recently shared some useful beliefs. One of them was "I trust everybody". In a comment, lovely Andrew asked me if it is safe to have such a belief.

Yes, it is safe. It is safe because we are safe at all times, unless we make ourselves unsafe by choice.

If you ask me, I'd even say that we can only be fully safe if we fully trust.
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Wondering if it is safe to trust everybody implies two things.

It implies that if someone deceives us, lies to us, doesn't keep their word, doesn't fulfill our expectations, lets us down, takes advantage of us, etc., in short, if someone behaves in a way that we think is not okay and breaks our trust, then this can actually hurt us. Nobody would wonder whether it is safe or not to trust others if safety were not an issue, so this implies that other people's actions have the power to seriously affect us.

It also implies that the more you trust others, the greater the risk. Like, trusting a few people is safe, but everybody? Again, nobody would ask this question without the assumption that the more unconditionally you trust, or the more people you trust, especially without knowing them, the higher the probability that you could get hurt.

I disagree with both of these assumptions.
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Other people's actions cannot hurt me unless I allow them to do so. I know that I am the creator of my own feelings and that I am free to choose how I react to whatever situation shows up in my life.

Seen this way, even when others break my trust and deceive me, lie to me, let me down or take advantage of me and so on, I still have the choice to let this affect me, or not. In case shit happens, I know I can take it. Therefore, trusting others is not any more risky than not trusting them. I am safe either way.

Besides, does shit never happen to people who don't trust others easily? I highly doubt that. In my experience, the contrary is the case. We see what we believe. When we are full of fear and believe that others are out to screw us over, then that is what tends to happen to us.

The probability of having shit happen to us is much higher when we are full of shit inside. Like attracts like. The more we let go of the fear and make the choice to trust, the lower the probability that we will be proven wrong. Trusting greatly contributes to our safety. There will be less shit inside that could attract the shit outside.
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My "100% trust is default"-policy works great for me. I have found that the people in my life tend to be absolutely trustworthy and fair. I often get surprisingly much from them; more than I expect. I cannot even remember the last time I felt intentionally taken advantage of or deceived.

From time to time, someone unintentionally does something to me that I find is not okay. When this happens, I re-evaluate my relationship with them. I might completely let go of it, or reconfigure it, or just continue without changing anything. I do this only once something has happened, though. Why would I mistrust someone preventively? This is an absurd idea.
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Some people believe that trust is something that one needs to build. Preferably slowly. Something that we need to earn by repeatedly proving our loyalty and reliability, before we get the privilege of being trusted. They believe that we should not trust people we don't know. More generally, we should not open up to or rely on anybody without being assured that we won't get hurt, disappointed or taken advantage of as a result. Like, let's not trust in order not to fall on our nose.

Such an attitude does not serve us. It's a way of trying to avoid risk by controlling our external life circumstances. Trying to control what we are scared of is futile. It just doesn't work.

Obviously, mistrusting others is by no means a guarantee that no shit will ever happen. If you let your well-being depend on other people's actions, you are fundamentally unsafe anyway, no matter how much or how little you trust others and no matter how well you succeed in avoiding opportunities to get challenged.

Trying to avoid risk means seeing ourselves as vulnerable and not trusting ourselves to be able to handle whatever we might get confronted with. That's a very weakening message that we send to ourselves.
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The cautious attitude is based on lots of fears. These fears not only attract a lot of shit that would not happen to us if we didn't have the fears in the first place. They also prevent us from relaxing and opening up. They prevent love from flowing freely. The resulting feeling of connection to others is suboptimal. When you don't fully trust, you cannot fully love.

Only when we let go of control and fear and trust others unconditionally can we be open enough to experience love in all its warm magnificence. Are you ready for that? :-)

Choosing Who you Spend your Time with is Not a Love Issue

One of the beliefs I recently shared as a part of a successful mindset in social situations is that whether you choose to spend time with someone or not has nothing to do with how much you love them. It is a strategic time-management choice, not a love issue. Let's elaborate.

Some people associate loving someone, both in a romantic or non-romantic way, with wanting to spend time with this person. They also associate not spending any time with someone with not loving them.

I don't subscribe to this point of view. In my opinion, loving someone does not imply in any way that I spend time with them. And not spending time with someone does not imply in any way that I don't love them. There are people that I love and chose to throw out of my life completely. There are also lots of people that I love, yet never or almost never spend any time with. I don't love these people any less than those other people that I do choose to spend my time with. It is not a love issue.
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Why is it a time-management issue?

When we have a specific goal, or when we simply grow and feel like bringing some new energy into our life, we tend to surround ourselves with people who already have reached that goal or already radiate this energy that we want. This can be done consciously, as a smart move. But most of the time, it just happens naturally. We automatically feel drawn to these people, maybe without even knowing why. It's only logical: they already have what we want. Their energy feels attractive to us because that's what we're looking for.

Such an intuitive attraction to these people is a good thing. By spending time with them, we learn from them. Most of all, over time our energy adjusts to theirs. They rub off on us.

Some of the people we love might not be in that place that we want to be in, or not radiate this energy that we want more of. We then tend to lose interest in spending too much time with them. This is natural. Their energy is not what we are looking for.

We might even feel that spending time with them holds us back. We influence each other energetically. The more we engage with someone, the more this reinforces the energies inside of us that resonate with their energy. It is difficult to create something new if our old energetic state is permanently being reinforced by the people we surround ourselves with.

Since we can only devote a limited amount of time to socializing, spending time with those people that we want to learn from vs. those that are no energetic match for us at this time is a time-management choice.
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Why is it not a love issue?

Choosing not to spend our time with someone does not mean that we don't love them. It simply means that our energies are not very compatible at the moment.

An immediate example that comes to mind are smelly orcs who are abusive, violent, manipulative, or otherwise harmful to you. Kicking those out of your life is an elementary self-protection measure. Does it mean you should stop loving them? Certainly not. Everybody is lovable, including smelly orcs (or killers). You can love them, yet stop associating with them. You will still be connected to them whether you talk to them or not. You can send love to them, include them in your prayers if you do pray, have loving feelings towards them, and not talk to them. Why not?

Does choosing not to engage (too much) with someone mean that they are "not good enough" or "less lovable"? No, not at all. All energies are perfectly fine. Just because you want to create something specific does not mean that everything else is bad or wrong in any way.

For example, let's say that consciously or subconsciously you want to bring more authority into your life. I am all about love, compassion, oneness, kindness and so on. Maybe courage as well, but certainly not authority. Would it be smart of you to spend a lot of time with me? Noooo. Go away! Go see Steve Pavlina instead. You'll probably feel much more drawn to him than to me anyway.

If you feel strongly drawn to Steve and want to spend time with him instead of with me,

does it mean that I am less worthy or less interesting than Steve? No. It's just different energies. Your choice is based on what you want to create in your life and whom you feel intuitively drawn to. There is no space for judgment in that matter.
Does it mean that you don't love me? No. You can very well love me and spend your time with someone else. This is no contradiction.
Does it mean that you should feel guilty for shunning my company? No. Your spending your time with someone else simply shows that I don't radiate the energy that you feel attracted to right now. This means nothing bad about me. And, if I have a life outside of you, which should be the case anyway, then I do perfectly fine with or without you.

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Why is associating love with spending time together a crappy idea?

Choosing to spend your time with the people you are already used to and clinging to them no matter what out of sentimentalism, even though you would naturally feel more drawn to other people, puts you into a place of resistance that will block you in your growth. Choosing to dissociate love from spending time together allows you to go your own path without disconnecting emotionally from others. Disconnection creates suffering.

Associating love with spending time together makes love conditional and kills its beauty. Like, "if you love me, you will spend time with me.". Ugh. Where's the freedom? If the people you love also love you, they want the best for you. If the best for you is to spend your time with someone else, they will accept it. Expecting someone to spend time with you if they love you is not loving them. It's your ego trying to possess and control them. Which is impossible.

Spending time with people because you feel that you should do so if you love them, or in order not to hurt them, is highly disrespectful both towards yourself and towards them. How could that be love?

Just two days ago, I had a chat with a friend of mine. He walked away, saying that he couldn't stand my energy. I really like that! I appreciate his honesty and his ability to make clear choices for himself. That is admirable. I also very much appreciate that he trusts me to be able to deal with him walking away without taking responsibility for my feelings. I don't feel less loved by him now. On the contrary.
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Let's be flexible!

Relationships can smoothly fade in and out of our lives and in again, depending on how we resonate with each other at any given time. We stay connected at all times anyway. All this only becomes a drama when the ego steps in and considers it an intolerable insult that someone else would be "preferred" over ourselves.

People change. The ones that are not compatible with you right now can become a good energetic match for you in the future. They can evolve and start radiating different energies. You can evolve and suddenly feel attracted to their energy. Or both of this can happen. One never knows.

And what if someone's energy never becomes compatible with yours again? Well, so be it. Let them go in peace. You can love each other and not have any contact in this lifetime. Trust your loved ones to be fine without you in their physical life.
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What does love mean to you?

The above is just how I see it. If you think that loving someone has to imply spending time with them, or that if someone does not spend any time with you, they don't really love you, ask yourself what loving someone truly means to you.

Does it come from your soul or from your ego?

Is it love, or is it fear and attachment?

What are the conditions for you to believe that someone loves you?

What does it imply for you to love someone?

And does any of the above necessarily require that you spend time together?

Example of an Empowering Social Mindset

When it comes to social skills and relationships, I always say it's all a matter of mindset. But what mindset exactly?

That is up to you to decide for yourself. We're all different. You need to find what works for you.

Here is one example of a mindset that works. It works for me. Maybe it can inspire you in finding your own empowering mindset?

Beliefs about Myself

I am a wonderful person.

I am interesting.

I know what I want.

I'm clear about my goals, values, and life purpose.

I am sexy.

I love myself damn fucking much.

People enjoy talking with me and spending time with me.

I am great in bed. Or in any other place than the bed.

I am 100% responsible for my own feelings, actions, and reality.

I am ready to step out of my comfort zone and to accept change - including in my social life.

I am perfectly fine as I am right now. (Still working on this one: sometimes I still dislike my overweight!)

Beliefs about Others

Other people are wonderful persons. There is beauty in everyone. We are all incredibly fascinating creatures. Everybody is interesting.

Other people are friendly.

I trust everybody.

Everybody likes me. When someone doesn't like me, this has nothing to do with me personally. It's because in their eyes I represent something that they don't like.

I love everybody. When I don't like someone, it's because they trigger energies in me that I don't like. It has nothing to do with them personally.

Nobody can hurt me if I don't allow them to do so.

Other people are 100% responsible for their own feelings and actions. I am 0% responsible for other people's feelings and actions.

Trying to protect others from being hurt is highly disrespectful towards them.

Other people are perfectly fine as they are right now.

Beliefs about my Social Skills

My social skills are excellent.

I can talk to any stranger, attract any relationship, and make anybody feel comfortable with me in minutes.

I'm not afraid of anybody.

Beliefs about Relationships and Communication

Friends, lovers and all people in my life are just a reflection of the love and connection that is inside me. As long as I let love and connection flow into my life, I naturally manifest friends, lovers and people.

We are all one. We are all connected. Distance is not relevant, no matter what happens we stay connected. I cannot truly lose anybody.

If someone disappears from my life, lots of other people will show up instead, who will be more aligned with who I am.

I cannot be lonely, ever.

Relationships are easy.

Communicating with others is easy.

Love is easy. It just flows.

I don't take rejection personally. It says more about the other person's choices than about me. Other people's choices have nothing to do with me.

What others think about me is none of my business. I have more interesting things to think about anyway.

If a relationship is not aligned with my highest path and purpose, I leave. Living my purpose and creating the reality I want has a higher priority than any relationship.

Loving someone does not necessarily mean spending time with them. I can choose not to associate with someone if that is not in my highest good, not aligned with my goals, or not appropriate for any other reason, and still love them. Choosing who I spend my time with is not a love issue, it's a time-management issue. (More about this here.)

Beliefs about the World and Life in General

The world is a fantastic place!

Life is so exciting!

I am here to grow and learn. Everything is a growth experience, everything is a lesson. If I learn from them, I am open to any growth experiences, no matter how uncomfortable they may feel to me.

I look forward to seeing what I will create in my life!

Everything is exactly as it should be at this time. This does not mean that we cannot create something better. ;)

Love heals everything. Especially fear.

Create Your Own Mindset

Which ones of those beliefs do you resonate with, and which ones do you not resonate with? Can you think of more beliefs that make you feel good and would improve your social life?

You are free to choose your beliefs. Create your own, very personal, super-powerful mindset!

Anti-Manipulation Mindset

Nobody can manipulate you if you don't allow it. If there is someone manipulating you, this means that you handed your power over to them. You probably didn't do it consciously, but you did it. It happened because your attitude is disempowering in some way.

Anti-manipulation techniques are nothing without the right mindset. If the way you think gives others power over you, no technique will help you in the long run. To defend yourself against manipulators, it is very helpful to shift your mindset. This means adopting different beliefs and attitudes that do not allow anybody to control you.

Here is some internal stuff that will make you STRONG when confronted to manipulators. :-)
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Take 100% responsibility for your feelings

You create your own feelings. What others do or say never causes your feelings directly. It just triggers them. What actually determines how you feel is your mindset: your beliefs, judgments and attitudes about the situation you are in.

Knowing this helps a lot in dealing with manipulators. When you think that others have the power to hurt you, you're helpless. Taking full responsibility for your feelings however gives you all your power back. Even if you're not able to control your feelings yet, even if some manipulator succeeds in triggering some unpleasant emotions in you, knowing that  you are actually the one creating those feelings, and that you have the power to change that, will make you a lot stronger.

Then you will know that they do not truly have any power over you. Their power is an illusion that you can free yourself from. When a manipulator’s subtext makes you feel bad, remember that on some level you just chose to feel bad. You can just as well choose not to let them impress you. You do have this choice.

When you practice taking full responsibility for your feelings, you will get better at choosing how you want to feel. And then, manipulators really have no power over you anymore.
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Screw guilt

If everybody is 100% responsible for their own feelings, this logically means that you are 0% responsible for other people's feelings. Other people create their own feelings. You can trigger them, but what they do with it is theirs to decide and has nothing to do with you.

Guilt is frequently used by manipulators to blackmail people. "If you don't do xyz, I will be sad." Well, too bad for them if they choose to feel sad! That's their problem, not yours.

Same with actions: you are NOT responsible for other people's actions. "If you don't do xyz, I will drink myself into a coma." Oh yeah? What they do with their life is their decision and none of your business.

In case you think that is heartless, I disagree. This is the most loving attitude I can think of. You don't do anybody a favor by taking the responsibility for their life away from them. Actually, it is highly disrespectful.

Don't feel guilty for other people's feelings or actions. Never. Also, don't feel guilty for your own decisions. Make clear and conscious choices according to your values, priorities and goals - and stand by them shamelessly. Guilt is a totally useless and draining feeling. Kick it out of your life.
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Get rid of fear

Along with guilt, another emotion that manipulators love to use for their own benefit is fear. If you are scared of something, it’s very easy for someone else to gain power over you. They just need to trigger your fear. They just need to suggest very subtly that what you fear could come true if you don’t do what they want – and you do it.

Facing and transcending your fears will make you much less vulnerable to manipulators. If you’re not afraid of losing your job, your boss will have a hard time using firing you as a threat to make you work overtime. If you’re not afraid of getting dumped or being single, you are much less likely to be a doormat in your relationship. If you’re not afraid of being unattractive, you won’t feel compelled to buy all the beauty products commercials try to sell you. And so on.

Fear is powerful. It’s not easy to “just” face and transcend it. What you can do as a first step is to become aware of it. When fear shows up, acknowledge it, say hello to it, call it by its name, and then just observe it. If a manipulator plays on your fear of something in order to control you, alone being aware of what's going on will help you.

Keep in mind that you create your fear, just as any other feeling. You have the choice not to take it seriously and not to react to it.
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Heal pain

I guess we all have some old pain hidden in an obscure closet in the cellar of our mind. Some manipulators are great at spotting such old pain and playing on this weakness to get what they want. For some people, being reminded of it is so extremely painful that they'd do anything just not to have this hot spot triggered. This makes them very, very vulnerable.

If you have such old pain in you, heal it. There are many methods. You can use EFT, talk about it with a psychotherapist, consult an energy healer, or work with a coach specialized in such issues. For example Angela is great in such matters.
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Be at peace with yourself

The lower your self-esteem, the easier you become a prey for manipulators. The more you have problems with yourself, the more you're vulnerable. If you think bad things about yourself, it’s easy for others to push those buttons. Only what you resonate with on some level can hurt you or have any power over you.

If for example you hate yourself for what you perceive as your laziness, then it’s very easy for a manipulator to insinuate that you would be lazy if you didn’t help them move on Saturday. You will go all defensive inside and resist this idea so much that you will probably help them. What?! Me, lazy? Not at all! Fuck. Now you need to prove, if only to yourself, that you're not lazy, or else you will hate yourself all weekend. And whoops, they got what they wanted. Easy, really.

Now if you are perfectly fine with being lazy, then if some bozo insinuates that you would be lazy if you didn’t help them move on Saturday… Yeah, so what? They have no power over you. You can freely choose what you want to do with your time. You can even tell them that you want to fully enjoy your grandiose laziness this weekend instead of helping them.

If you have no problem with the way you are at this time, nobody can use any of your self-perceived weaknesses to make you do what they want. When your attitude is “Yes! That’s how I am. So what?!”, manipulators have a hard time with you. So, accept yourself fully, as you are. I know this can be difficult, but if you succeed at it, you’re invulnerable!

Acceptance does not mean condoning or not changing anything. It simply means acknowledging what is, and accepting that you are in that place at this time. Doesn’t mean you cannot leave that place later.
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Cultivate detachment

Keep in mind that you are not the roles that you play or the things that you identify with. You are not your relationship with your lover. You are not your job. You are not a good son or a loving parent. You are you. All those things don't define you.

A lot of fear and guilt stems from our identification with things that do not truly belong to us. If you strongly identify with your job or marriage, then you’ll be very afraid of losing them. If you strongly identify as your mother’s son or as a helpful friend,  you’ll feel guilty when you don't behave accordingly. But if you recognize that you are not all that, it will be easier for you to let go of the fear or guilt.

You can never truly lose anything. We are all connected at all times. When things or people fade out of our life, you are still connected to them. And ten new things or people will show up in your reality instead. The Universe is infinitely abundant. All those things change nothing about who you are at your core anyway. You are at all time wonderful and whole. Whatever is, is, and is perfect. :-)
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This set of beliefs and attitudes is all about disallowing others to have any power over you. When confronted to a manipulator, always remember that they do not truly have any power over you. They cannot possibly control you if you don't allow them.

What has power over you is your belief that your feelings are caused by the situation you are in instead of by yourself. What also has power over you are your own fears, guilt, self-hate or attachment to roles and things outside of you. Fortunately, all this does not have any real power over you either! Only as much as you give it.

You can choose to give your power away - or you can choose to claim it back. You are free. :-)

From having no friends to loving everybody

Until my early twenties I was the shyest person on Earth. As a kid I thought other kids were strange and cruel little monsters. Later I still saw others as dangerous. When someone talked to me I got very nervous and tried to hide it. I thought I needed to protect myself from them. After all, I was getting mobbed a lot, so I thought if I let them know me or see my weaknesses, then they'd use the opportunity to hurt me. I was terribly scared of others, and socially isolated.

I was asked how I transitioned from having such social anxiety to my current mindset, which is basically that nobody can hurt me and that I love everybody. (See How to Connect with Strangers and Do you Love Killers? ) Such a fearless mindset makes it very easy for me to build connections and to have lots of lovely people in my life. But how did my beliefs change?

So here is the story. Please keep in mind that this post is not a how-to, it's just my personal story. I don't necessarily recommend to do the same. There are better ways to reach the same goal.

Courage

I remember the first steps very well, because I made a conscious decision to improve my social skills and I remember how I chose to do so. First, I decided to get rid of my fear of rejection. To do so, I grabbed a banknote. I chose a street with many shops in the city center, and in each of these shops I asked one of the salesclerks to change my note. Of course most of them said no. Every time, I replied "Thank you", smiled and left. This was a great exercise in hearing no! I knew it wouldn't hurt me in any way, it was just a game. But this way I got used to having plenty of people say no to me, and it made me realize that a no doesn't hurt.

I trained myself this way for a while. For example I picked a very crowded street on a Saturday afternoon and played being a beggar, asking everybody for some change, politely and nicely. The goal was the same as before: hear no and be fine. Later I switched to exercises with a more uncertain outcome. For example I smiled to every person I met. Then I said hello to every person I met. Then I started small conversations with random strangers. Etc.

Of course I got rejected a lot. Many people looked at me with an incredible disdain on their face when they thought I was a beggar. Many didn't return my greeting when I said hello to them, some said ugly things to me, and so on. But that was the goal. It taught me that no matter how bad others treat me, it doesn't affect me as long as I don't think bad of myself. I didn't think bad of myself, because I knew I wasn't really a beggar, I knew it was just for training purposes. And so they couldn't hurt me. I knew their disdain changed nothing about me. I got used to being rejected and not give a damm about it. My mindset went from "Others are dangerous and I need to protect myself from them" to "Others are potentially dangerous, but I'm strong enough to take it!".

For months and years after that I kept building courage, approaching strangers, talking to people, putting myself in exactly those situations I feared most.

Responsibility

These experiences proved to me that my own mind and nothing else has the power to hurt me. This was the next step. I found a book in a library which opened my eyes about this. It was a book about behavioral therapy. The author explained that not the situation itself but our judgment on the situation causes the feelings we have about that situation. What a big insight that was for me! I realized it was true. So I began paying attention to what I was thinking about the situations I was feeling bad in.

For each social situation that made me feel bad, I wrote down what I was thinking in that moment. This wasn't easy, for most of my thoughts were subconscious. But with time and practice I got used to become aware of them. So I wrote them down. Then I wrote down what I would like to think instead. More positive and empowering thoughts, which would make me feel better. My negative thoughts often sounded like those of a little child. For example in the beginning I wrote things like "Others are dangerous. They're evil. They want to hurt me." I replaced it with "Everybody is my friend. They're all friendly and mean well." Every time I caught myself thinking one of the "bad" thoughts, I consciously repeated the "good" thoughts. I also repeated the positive affirmations every single day ten times in front of the mirror.

From that moment on I decided to take responsibility for my feelings. For many months I spent countless hours working on my thoughts, and covered several big exercise books with old (in red) and new (in green) beliefs. Over time I addressed many of my issues this way, and solved many of my problems. Of course this wasn't enough to stop hurting altogether. I knew it was possible, in theory, not to get hurt if I didn't allow it, but I still lacked the power to deal with my emotions appropriately. However, alone this theoretical knowledge helped a lot. I just knew it was up to me. My mindset changed to "Others aren't dangerous. Nobody can hurt me if I don't let them! It all depends on me."

Self-Love

When I started working on my social skills, I had very low self-esteem and used to hate myself. So I worked on learning to love myself. I struggled a lot with this one. I said to myself in the mirror "Rosine, I love you very much exactly the way you are" - ten times a day as well. At first I felt totally stupid doing this! And I felt I was lying. But with time it became more and more true... I also progressively took better care of myself and did more nice things for myself. I believe self-love is extremely important. If you don't really love yourself, you cannot really love others.

Learning self-love gave me a lot of strength in dealing with others. When you know you always have yourself to love you, it's like you're never alone in front of others: you always have an invisible friend at your side. Others also respond much better to you when you love yourself. They mirror your self-love back to you. Their esteem for you generally is proportional to your self-esteem.

When I got a bit better at loving myself, I started getting friendlier feedback, making friends more quickly. Talking to others became much easier. I wasn't so nervous anymore. Loving myself more, I was better able to accept that others might love me, too. My mindset changed to "Others are friendly" and also to "How I feel depends on me, but no matter what happens, I always have myself in my corner!"

Taking off

At this point, I don't remember exactly what happened, how and in which order. My progress was exponential: at first it took a lot of practice and conscious effort. I had many setbacks and sometimes thought I'd never succeed. But my willingness to learn self-love was the catalyst. I didn't learn it overnight(!), but alone wanting to learn it changed everything. Things began moving faster and faster, and at some point everything just happened to me and I had to let go of control.

Emotional Mastery

At some point I met a fabulous energy-psychotherapist, a wonderful woman who taught me EFT. EFT helped me a lot in dealing with particularly negative or strong emotions. It also helped me get rid of some deeply rooted negative beliefs about people. I wouldn't recommend to you the method I used with my notebooks alone. Such a purely intellectual, psychological approach is a big waste of time. The idea definitely is good, but it's way more efficient to combine this technique with EFT and with visualizations. But I'm digressing, I just want to relate my story here.

So this lady taught me EFT. She also helped me understand, accept and love myself more. She taught me how to get better at dealing with my emotions. This gave me much more Power. It especially helped me not to get hurt so much anymore. I got a feeling that "I'm safe".

Connection

I have always been highly sensitive and empathetic, but my fear had prevented me from opening up enough to other humans. All those walls I had built around myself out of fear made me feel lonely and disconnected. After working so much on myself, my thoughts and my emotions, I got way less scared. I knew I would be able to deal with it, should I get hurt. Once the fear didn't force me to shut down anymore, I became able to feel other people's emotions very strongly just by being near them, and to deeply connect with them emotionally.

Later this applied as well to people who were not even around physically. For example I could physically feel what someone who was thousands of miles away and whom I was chatting with was feeling. Or I knew how someone felt that I was thinking of without even seeing them or talking with them. This showed me that we are all connected in some way. I didn't know how this communication took place, but I added to my mindset the belief "We are all connected".

Oneness

With the therapist I mentioned above, I talked about this amazing experience I had when I was a little kid, where I felt that I was being the whole Universe.

I had never forgotten about this feeling, but when I talked about it with her, it suddenly really made sense to me, for the first time in my life. I realized that we are not only all connected, but all one. I am everything that is, which means that what I call "I" is much, much more than just the little physical person called Rose.

This insight felt more like a big spiritual breakthrough than like an improvement of my social skills... but it made me much better at socializing! I was already able to connect deeply before, however my mindset still had been that we are separate persons. My default state was to be disconnected. After this breakthough, it was the other way around: I was still losing the connection very often, but my default state was to feel connected and one with everybody.

Another difference is that before this breakthrough, the connection I had with others was essentially emotional. Now, it's not only an emotional connection anymore. It feels more like a deep emotional and spiritual connection. We're not just two separate beings incidentally feeling the same. I really feel that this other person or animal or object in front of me IS me, that I AM the whole world. New belief for my mindset: "We are all one Consciousness."

Love, Love, Love

To sum it up, the beliefs I adopted in the last years are:

Nobody can hurt me if I don't let them. I'm safe.
How I feel depends only on me. I'm responsible for my own feelings.
Others are friendly
I love myself and always have myself in my corner
We are all connected
We are all one
I love everybody

Now please don't get me wrong. I am in no way claiming that I totally master all this. I still lack Courage sometimes. Sometimes I still blame others and don't take responsibility for my feelings. There are still aspects of myself that I don't love unconditionally. I still have issues with some emotions, especially with Anger. I can get quite choleric and violent! It still happens to me that I disconnect from others, that I'm scared or that I forget how we're all one. I'm far away from being perfect at all this! It took years for me to learn it and I'm still not done with it.

However, since I got so much into Personal Development and am progressively getting better at loving and accepting myself, at staying in the here & now, at making conscious and deliberate choices, etc, this mindset is becoming more and more true in my life. I feel more and more safe, connected and in love.

I feel very much in Love with the whole planet now. I feel very much in love with you :-)

I still have no friends!

As you can imagine, I have no social anxiety anymore. I don't think others are dangerous anymore, I don't think I need to protect myself in any way. I'm not scared anymore. I can talk to any stranger, have no problem opening up, and I can connect with others easily. I never feel lonely.

I'm saying that I have no friends because for me now, a friend is not something one can "have" in the first place. There are many adorable friends in my life, but having friends is not something I explicitely want or do intentionally. I don't consider socializing to be an action anymore. It's a way of being. The friendships in my life are simply an external manifestation of my inner state of mind, they're an expression of who I am.

As a consequence, I don't fear to lose my friends. No matter how many people disappear from my life, the Love and Connection I feel inside will always manifest as loving and interesting people to connect and have fun with.

People like you. I love you. <3

How to Connect with Strangers

(This post is the how-to part of Chit-Chat with Strangers.)

For me, talking to strangers is very easy impossible. There are no strangers!

I believe that we are all manifestations of one Consciousness. All others are me too, just in another form, and I’m everybody. I feel one with everything that is, all other humans, animals, plants, inanimate objects, etc.

I also believe that we all permanently communicate with each other. We are one huge network, constantly exchanging information.

This way, you don’t need to connect in the first place: you are already connected, and have always been. We’ve known each other forever. Talking to a “stranger” for me is just recognizing them and acknowledging the bond which already exists between us.

That’s why I behave as if I already knew the people I talk to. Duh, I do! They’re old friends. I just hadn’t met them yet in this life. Time to catch up!

It’s all a matter of mindset

The beliefs I described above allow me to connect with others very fast and easily. It just happens naturally without me trying to do it intentionally. I don’t need to go out of my way for that.

I’m convinced that social skills are a matter of attitude. If you have a hard time connecting, you probably have some blocking beliefs about yourself, other people, social situations, or your own social skills. If you could get rid of them, I’m sure you would be able to connect with strangers as easily as I do. It would just become natural for you to do so.

Here is the description of one possible mindset (incidentally, mine) that yields good results in social situations.

How to do it concretely?

Okay, what to do to connect with a stranger? Connecting is paying attention. Where your attention goes, there goes your energy as well. Therefore, focus your energy on this person.

Look into their eyes. Many people are so afraid of others that they’re too embarrassed to allow eye contact. If you want to connect, you have to be open for connection, and that means eye contact. Looking away is hiding away.

I’m not telling you to stare at someone with a crazy or aggressive glance. Just allow friendly eye contact, you can look away once the person has seen and acknowledged you. When they look back at you, smile, but only if you spontaneously feel like smiling. A fake smile is a turn-off.

And then it’s simple really. If you don’t know what to say, don’t say anything. You don’t need to talk. When you’re being open, others feel it. If they’re being open too, and in the mood for communication, they’ll probably start talking to you on their own.

If you feel like saying something (like “hi”), then just say it. No matter what it is. You need no caution or shared interest. Feel free to talk about stupid or crazy or trivial things, it doesn't matter. I'm very spontaneous, so sometimes I say really strange things to people! But you won't believe it, they like it. Once I saw a guy in a CD shop. The next day I came back, and he was there again. I was so surprised that I stared at him and vigorously exclaimed "You again! What are you doing here?!" To what he replied "And what are you doing here?!". We both laughed, the ice was broken.

Some people tend to be way too attached to figuring out which words to use. But the energy you're sending off in that moment is way more important than the content of what you're saying. If you're attached to making a specific impression, you're likely to be self-conscious and to send off a stressed out and unpleasant vibe. If you're feeling self-confident, connected and loving towards this person, they will feel it no matter what you say - and that's what they will get.

And feeling self-confident, connected and loving is a matter of mindset...

Being present is key

I’m not fond of watching one’s body language or using lines, tricks and strategies to socialize. When you focus on what you should say or where to put your hands, you’re not being present in the moment. And that’s not what you want. You can’t connect if you’re not being present. When you’re not being present, you’re not really here. And if you’re not here, how could you meet this person here?

Present moment awareness means focusing on here and now. Don’t think of anything else than what’s happening right now. Don’t try to impress or to analyze, don’t think about what could happen next, or what happened before. Just be here with this person. Be open, listen. Observe your reactions without trying to control them. Let what happens happen. :-)

What I've found to be very useful is to always keep a part of my attention in my inner body. The inner body is what you feel when you focus on your body from the inside. Can you feel the inside of your body as one energetic field? If you can’t, practice feeling it, it’s a great sensation!

To learn more about being present and feeling your inner body, read The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. He’s the great present moment awareness specialist.

Assault old ladies!

If you want to get better at connecting with people, you need to practice. My advice is not to practice with people in your sexual or romantic target group. This would make it much more difficult. The possibility that they interpret your approach as hitting on them could block you, even if it's not at all the case, and even more so if it is the case. ;-) So, avoid that at first. Practice with other people, you'll feel safer.

The ideal targets (hehehe) are old ladies, in my experience they're always happy to get some attention and to have a nice chat. Usually they're also very friendly. Also people the age of your parents, or much younger people.

Little kids and babies are great connectors. It's very easy to connect with a baby, much easier than with an adult. They haven't all the fearful social conditioning to block them. They're curious and spontaneously offer you toothless smiles and wave you goodbye with their little hands.

They can't speak, but it doesn't matter. Remember it's more about the mindset and the energy than about the words. It's about opening up, staying present, and allowing emotions to flow out of you. You'll feel genuine connection even without words.

So, and now go out and talk to people! :-) Good luck!

(Edit: there's a follow-up to this post here.)

Dealing with Emotions

Do you feel overwhelmed by your feelings sometimes? Is it difficult for you to react to strong emotions in an appropriate manner? Don't you know how to stop feeling bad? That's a problem I've had for a long, long time. I found a few useful ways to handle it and thought it could be of some value for you to hear about them.

Taking 100% responsibility

First of all, what helped me most is to understand that it's never the other person or the situation itself that creates my emotion: it's my thoughts about this person or situation. We don't all have the same reaction when in the same situation. It's the thoughts and judgments we have about this situation that lead us to have the feelings we have.

This means that no situation and no other person has any power over how I feel. Everything I feel is 100% my own responsibility. The downside is that I can't blame anyone else for what I feel anymore, 'cause what I feel is caused by nothing else than my own thoughts. It's all me. The upside is that I'm in control: by changing my thoughts, I can change my feelings. And another upside is that I'm not forced to react to a given situation in a certain way. I'm free to react just like I want to. It's my choice.

(Edit: more details about this here: Your Feelings are Self-Made)

The old stinky sneaker

One very simple way to apply this elementar wisdom is the old stinky sneaker image. I can't remember if I invented that image myself or read about it somewhere. It doesn't matter. Imagine you're in a given situation and you feel a strong emotion you'd rather not have. For example, someone is insulting you, and you feel angry. Now imagine that this person insulting you is throwing an old, stinky sneaker at your feet. You're free to put that old shoe on, or not. You can put it on, and feel stinky (angry). Or you can let it lie where it is. And feel good. You're not forced to react to the insults. It's your choice.

Visualizing this old sneaker in every unpleasant situation helps me a lot! I just imagine myself saying "No, thanks!" to the person or situation throwing this old shoe at my feet, and then just going away. I'm not forced to put the old shoe on and feel bad. It makes me feel very free to choose consciously if I want to be perturbed at their shoe or not!

What about positive emotions?

Sometimes positive emotions overwhelm me too, and make me feel bad because it's just too much. It's more than I can express or bear inside of me without exploding. I had to find a better reaction than to dance around crying and laughing hysterically altogether. The old stinky sneaker trick helps me in that case too.

I wouldn't call beautiful, moving and happy situations an old stinky sneaker, so I found another image: imagine that the person or situation is smiling at you and handing you a big, gorgeous chocolate cake with whipped cream and cherries on the top of it (or some other cake you like). Eating the entire cake would be too much, obviously. So tell this person or situation "Oh, thank you so much, that's very nice of you! I'll have a piece of it!" And then take only a small piece of the cake. You're not forced to swallow the whole cake. A small piece of this delicious cake is enough to make you happy.

When I use this cake image, I'm able to stay in control of myself and to allow strong positive emotions without being immediately overwhelmed by them.

What if "no thanks" doesn't work?

Sometimes a situation or statement bugs me so much that the old stinky sneaker doesn't work so really well. Just saying "No thanks" somehow is not a solution in that moment. Then I need to take a look at another aspect of feelings and emotions: they're but signals. They show you whether what you think about this person/statement/situation is currently positive or negative. In this respect, they're very useful. A positive feeling is the result of a positive thought. A negative feeling points to a negative thought. Here's a method to get rid of nasty emotions by getting rid of the negative thoughts that are producing them:

Identify the emotion //"oh, I'm feeling angry"
Try to be as precise as possible. Observe the emotion: is it anger, or hate, or are you upset?
Allow the emotion to be //"It's perfectly ok to be angry now. That's all right."
Accept your emotion and welcome it warmly.
Thank the emotion //"Thank you anger for being here and showing me that I'm having negative thoughts that are not profitable to me"
Aknowledge that your emotions are just a signal pointing to your thoughts.
Identify the thoughts //"ok, which thoughts are making me feel angry?"
This part can be difficult for you if you're not used to such exercises. Be patient, you'll get better with time. Maybe it can help you to write your thoughts down. Allow any thought to pop into your mind, even if it sounds ridiculous or childish.
Let the emotion go //"Thanks anger, I don't need you anymore now, go in peace"
Now that you're aware of your underlying thought, you don't need the signal anymore.
Change the thoughts //"Which thought would feel better than that?"
Now look for a thought that would feel a bit better right now. It doesn't have to be realistic, or true. It can be complete nonsense, imaginary or a lie, that's not important. Important is only that when you think this thought, you feel a bit better. Concentrate on the new thought for about twenty seconds. You'll feel better. Then look for another thought that feels even better and concentrate on it for twenty seconds again. And so on.
If you practice this method a bit, you'll notice that you're always able to choose how you feel by deliberately thinking thoughts that make you feel this way. It doesn't just happen to you. You have full control over how you feel, because you have full control over what you think.

What if I can't identify any thoughts?

This happens to me when confronted to very strong emotions. In such a case the physical symptoms are so overwhelming that there are just no thoughts. At least no thoughts I could be aware of. Recently I was looking for nice tibetan songs on youtube and by mistake saw a horrible video where some animals were being killed. I felt so bad that I almost vomited. My chest was burning, I was crying and sweating. The emotion was so strong that the intellectual approach above would not have helped me. More precisely, I wouldn't have been able to apply it.

In such cases I use EFT. EFT, Emotional Freedom Technique, is a very powerful way to deal with emotions. It's easy and fast to learn, it works quickly and it's highly efficient. EFT is a more physical approach of the problem. It can be used to cure physical pain too, btw.

The principle is that a negative emotion is a blockade in your energy system. By tapping some energetic points on your body while focusing on your problem, you remove the blockade and teach your body to let the energy flow even when you think of this problem. It won't solve the problem itself. But you'll feel good even when confronted to that problem again. After this youtube accident, these images were pursueing me. I tapped it every time it came up. I had to do it 3-4 times a day for a few days. But now I can think of that video without having any bad emotions.

I highly recommend EFT to everyone. If you're interested, look at eft-therapy.com. There are infos about the theory behind EFT, a nice free tutorial for beginners, and a lot more.