Since I consider it my mission in this lifetime to create total harmony on Earth, I have thought a lot about ways to deal with all the horrible things that happen all around the world.
Collectively, we can do a lot. I have big dreams about creating an worldwide movement that would spread love and work towards international peace. Or, even better, I dream of uniting and coordinating all the thousands of already existing movements and wonderful people who are actively working on making this planet a more harmonious place. It is time that we all start really working together, don't you think? :-)
Let's Cultivate Acceptance
The most important thing for us to do is to remember that there is nothing wrong with how things are now. When I say "horrible things", that's a human judgment. We humans love to go around judging things as "right" and "wrong" and "good" and "bad" and pinning some fancy labels on them. In truth the world is perfect as it is, and exactly as it should be. There is nothing wrong, ever. In that sense, the world has no problems that we'd need to solve, to begin with.
Just because we accept something as it is doesn't mean we cannot create something new. I'm curious about how it would feel to collectively experience the energies of love, peace, connection, harmony and abundance. Massively, worldwide. Can you even imagine it? That would be something new! I love to start new projects. Heh, I'm a scanner. ;-)
The first step in order to change something is to accept and wholeheartedly welcome it, unconditionally. To shine light on another facet of our collective self, let's fully embrace the current situation and acknowledge it as perfect!
Let's Respond with Love
When we think of all the terrible things happening in the world, we could feel good and cast some love at those doing them.
All these horrible things happening in the world are just manifestations of disharmony. Feeling bad about them means putting ourselves into a state of disharmony as well. How could disharmony ever heal disharmony? On the contrary, it just reinforces it. The best way to help those who are suffering is to not feel bad about them.
There is no separation between "me"and "them" (the horrible situations or horrible people doing horrible things). It's all one and the same. So how can "I" be less negative? Certainly not by getting sad or angry! I can only become less negative by becoming less negative, not more. This means: maintaining an inner state of peace and love no matter what happens.
Let's Practice Non-Violence
The world is us and we are the world. If we want less violence, we need to become less violent ourselves. Be the change.
Non-violence to me means not taking any violent actions, but also not speaking any violent words, and not thinking any violent thoughts.
Our thoughts do affect others. Thoughts are energy. They create energetic patterns around us. Because of resonance, these patterns propagate and influence everything else. When we think violent thoughts, we actively create violence in the world. Isn't it weird to create something, disapprove of it, and by disapproving of it, create more of the same?
The words we use aren't harmless. They influence our energetic state of being and the one of others. Creating peace in the world includes shaping our vocabulary accordingly.
As for violent actions, these include small or indirect ones. Just as an example, eating meat, eggs or dairy products, using conventional perfume or wearing leather contributes to the violence against non-human animals. Buying stuff in flashy packings that we don't truly need contributes to the disrespectful violation of our natural environment, which is, too, a form of violence.
How can we create a peaceful, loving and respectful world when through our thoughts, words and actions, we are permanently supporting and creating more of the contrary? There is nothing wrong with that. It's just a matter of deciding which energies we want in our reality.
Let's Choose Appropriate Input
Our state of consciousness determines what kind of effect we have on the whole system. Poisoning ourselves with negative input is not helpful in maintaining a positive vibrational state.
I never watch or listen to the news. It is poison for my soul. If you ask me, this is true for TV in general. You can safely throw yours away. This definitely would contribute to world peace.
Surround yourself with uplifting, positive people who make your soul happy and see the best in you.
How about the food you eat? Close your eyes, touch your heart and ask yourself how your food makes you feel really, beyond the immediate pleasure you have when you eat it.
Extend this to all kinds of input, including art, music, novels and movies.
We have the right and the power to choose what we do or don't allow into our consciousness. Saying "no" to negative input is a powerful decision.
Let's be happy!
The best way we can help the world is by being happy. When we are happy, we broadcast happy vibes which influence everybody else. It makes the whole world more harmonious. And that means: less problems.
Happiness does not depend on external circumstances. It is a choice. Let's practice being happy every single day in our lives!
Let's align with ourselves. Let's shed all that is not truly us and be more of who we really are. Let's acknowledge our real desires and go for them. Let's express our soul.
:-)
Wanna join me in creating total harmony on Earth? :-)
Mostrando entradas con la etiqueta Awareness amp; Consciousness. Mostrar todas las entradas
Mostrando entradas con la etiqueta Awareness amp; Consciousness. Mostrar todas las entradas
lunes, 15 de marzo de 2010
lunes, 1 de febrero de 2010
Choose Your Beliefs Wisely
Your belief system has a crucial impact on your life. Fortunately, you are in control of it. What kinds of beliefs do you let into your head, and how do you know they are right for you?
Your beliefs determine the reality you live in.
Some people (including me) think that our beliefs literally create our reality, on an energetic level. Beliefs are energy. When you send out energy into the Universe in the form of beliefs, you attract energies around you that resonate with your own vibration. It's like when two waves adjust to each other when they are in contact. Everything in your life, be it people, situations, or objects, is energy, and all of it is in your life because it is in alignment with your own energy.
Even if you don't subscribe to this worldview, the fact remains that the reality you perceive is highly dependent on your beliefs. For example, it's a classical thing that when we are in a good mood, we tend to see all the positive things around us, and ignore the negative ones. When we are in a bad mood, we tend to oversee the good things and notice what sucks. We are permanently filtering the information that reaches our brain, and tend to let only what fits our current beliefs about the world reach our consciousness. I even read a fascinating article about brain research once, explaining that our brain fills in information that is missing - and even corrects the information it gets when this information does not seem to make sense.
Last but not least, what you believe directly affects your reality, because it directly influences the way you behave! And the way you behave has consequences on events and other people's reactions. If you believe that people are friendly and trustworthy, you will interact with them in a nice and confident way, which in turn is likely to make them feel like treating you well. If on the contrary you believe that the world is crowded with stupid jerks, you won't treat others very well, and probably won't get very positive feedback either.
No matter what the explanation for it is, it all boils down to the fact that we get what we believe.
You are free to choose your beliefs.
The good news is that beliefs are a choice. They may appear as something immutable and absolutely true - but that's not the case. After all, you learned your beliefs from your parents, your teachers, your friends, the media... If you were born in a different country, at a different time in history, or even in a different family, your beliefs would be completely different. So if beliefs are such a random thing anyway, this means that you can choose to believe whatever you want.
Pick beliefs that truly serve you.
Since your beliefs have such a huge impact on your life, and since you are free to choose them, why not pick beliefs that bring you the best results? That's what I do. I consciously choose beliefs that are positive and aligned with my goals. When I find a belief that sabotages me, I throw it out. I aim to fill my head with empowering, loving, abundant, healthy, and effective beliefs. The kind that helps me to reach my goals and brings me the highest level of satisfaction, fulfillment, achievement and happiness.
Some time ago I was talking about this with my friend Ken. He asked if that is not a "the end justifies the means"-attitude.
Well, in some way, yes. What matters to me are the results. I know what I want, and I see my beliefs as a tool to get there. Some people are very attached to believing only "true" things. It's almost as if they were afraid of being ridiculed forever if they happened to believe something "wrong". What's so scary about picking a belief without knowing if there is some objective Truth to corroborate it?
What I see is that every time I upgrade my beliefs, I do better. I feel better, I am happier, reaching my goals becomes easier, and the whole world is nicer. In my life I went from living in a horrible world to living in a wonderful world, just because of the power of my beliefs. That is what matters to me. Not being right.
Maybe that's because I believe there is no objective right and wrong, true and false anyway.
Find your own truth.
Even though I intentionally pick beliefs that serve me, I don't just pick any belief that looks like it would yield good results. It's more a matter of intuition. Some beliefs just resonate with me very deeply. When I think them, I feel some kind of excited knowing go through my body. Everything in me screams "Yes! This is true!" - or maybe more something like "Yes! I like that!". So I adopt these beliefs because they feel right to me. They just happen to also be the ones that lead to success!
With other beliefs, when I think them, I feel... nothing. And then I know this is just not for me. Doesn't mean it's not true or valuable - it's just not appropriate for me at this time.
I remember how I became spiritual. I was raised as a radical atheist in a very anti-religious and anti-spiritual environment. As a young adult I read the Bible, the Koran, did some research about Taoism... but all this just did not resonate with me. Then some day, I read I don't even remember where the sentence "You are a spiritual Being incarnated on Earth to grow and learn...". When I read this, I immediately knew it was true for me! I just knew it deep down in my gut, it was so clear. It made me feel extremely happy.
So maybe choosing beliefs that serve us is not so much about arbitrarily picking beliefs that our rational mind thinks would be practical - it's more about finding the beliefs that we intuitively recognize as our truth, the truth that expresses who we are at our deepest core, and that is aligned with our soul's highest path and purpose.
Giving ourselves permission to freely choose our beliefs simply enables us to tap into our own inner wisdom. The beliefs we find there are authentic. That's why they are the ones that yield the best results. Everything is so much easier when we express what we truly are, and align with our soul's highest path and purpose!
Your beliefs determine the reality you live in.
Some people (including me) think that our beliefs literally create our reality, on an energetic level. Beliefs are energy. When you send out energy into the Universe in the form of beliefs, you attract energies around you that resonate with your own vibration. It's like when two waves adjust to each other when they are in contact. Everything in your life, be it people, situations, or objects, is energy, and all of it is in your life because it is in alignment with your own energy.
Even if you don't subscribe to this worldview, the fact remains that the reality you perceive is highly dependent on your beliefs. For example, it's a classical thing that when we are in a good mood, we tend to see all the positive things around us, and ignore the negative ones. When we are in a bad mood, we tend to oversee the good things and notice what sucks. We are permanently filtering the information that reaches our brain, and tend to let only what fits our current beliefs about the world reach our consciousness. I even read a fascinating article about brain research once, explaining that our brain fills in information that is missing - and even corrects the information it gets when this information does not seem to make sense.
Last but not least, what you believe directly affects your reality, because it directly influences the way you behave! And the way you behave has consequences on events and other people's reactions. If you believe that people are friendly and trustworthy, you will interact with them in a nice and confident way, which in turn is likely to make them feel like treating you well. If on the contrary you believe that the world is crowded with stupid jerks, you won't treat others very well, and probably won't get very positive feedback either.
No matter what the explanation for it is, it all boils down to the fact that we get what we believe.
You are free to choose your beliefs.
The good news is that beliefs are a choice. They may appear as something immutable and absolutely true - but that's not the case. After all, you learned your beliefs from your parents, your teachers, your friends, the media... If you were born in a different country, at a different time in history, or even in a different family, your beliefs would be completely different. So if beliefs are such a random thing anyway, this means that you can choose to believe whatever you want.
Pick beliefs that truly serve you.
Since your beliefs have such a huge impact on your life, and since you are free to choose them, why not pick beliefs that bring you the best results? That's what I do. I consciously choose beliefs that are positive and aligned with my goals. When I find a belief that sabotages me, I throw it out. I aim to fill my head with empowering, loving, abundant, healthy, and effective beliefs. The kind that helps me to reach my goals and brings me the highest level of satisfaction, fulfillment, achievement and happiness.
Some time ago I was talking about this with my friend Ken. He asked if that is not a "the end justifies the means"-attitude.
Well, in some way, yes. What matters to me are the results. I know what I want, and I see my beliefs as a tool to get there. Some people are very attached to believing only "true" things. It's almost as if they were afraid of being ridiculed forever if they happened to believe something "wrong". What's so scary about picking a belief without knowing if there is some objective Truth to corroborate it?
What I see is that every time I upgrade my beliefs, I do better. I feel better, I am happier, reaching my goals becomes easier, and the whole world is nicer. In my life I went from living in a horrible world to living in a wonderful world, just because of the power of my beliefs. That is what matters to me. Not being right.
Maybe that's because I believe there is no objective right and wrong, true and false anyway.
Find your own truth.
Even though I intentionally pick beliefs that serve me, I don't just pick any belief that looks like it would yield good results. It's more a matter of intuition. Some beliefs just resonate with me very deeply. When I think them, I feel some kind of excited knowing go through my body. Everything in me screams "Yes! This is true!" - or maybe more something like "Yes! I like that!". So I adopt these beliefs because they feel right to me. They just happen to also be the ones that lead to success!
With other beliefs, when I think them, I feel... nothing. And then I know this is just not for me. Doesn't mean it's not true or valuable - it's just not appropriate for me at this time.
I remember how I became spiritual. I was raised as a radical atheist in a very anti-religious and anti-spiritual environment. As a young adult I read the Bible, the Koran, did some research about Taoism... but all this just did not resonate with me. Then some day, I read I don't even remember where the sentence "You are a spiritual Being incarnated on Earth to grow and learn...". When I read this, I immediately knew it was true for me! I just knew it deep down in my gut, it was so clear. It made me feel extremely happy.
So maybe choosing beliefs that serve us is not so much about arbitrarily picking beliefs that our rational mind thinks would be practical - it's more about finding the beliefs that we intuitively recognize as our truth, the truth that expresses who we are at our deepest core, and that is aligned with our soul's highest path and purpose.
Giving ourselves permission to freely choose our beliefs simply enables us to tap into our own inner wisdom. The beliefs we find there are authentic. That's why they are the ones that yield the best results. Everything is so much easier when we express what we truly are, and align with our soul's highest path and purpose!
jueves, 21 de enero de 2010
How To Maintain Present Moment Awareness
A few cool French personal development bloggers are writing this month about "Comment vivre l'instant présent ?" (very literally, "how to live the present moment?"). They inspired me to write about present moment awareness and how to maintain it.
Present moment awareness is when you focus exclusively on what's going on right here, right now. Being present means paying attention to the now, without thinking of the past, projecting yourself into the future, analyzing what's happening or wondering what could happen instead. It's just being there. Or, it's just being.
Being present here and now is a very powerful place to be in. It gives you access, for example, to
your intuition. Psychic information cannot reach you if you're not being present. It's only available now. If you're absent, you miss out on a lot of intuitive nudges.
opportunities. We oversee so many opportunities when we're stuck in our head instead of paying attention here and now.
your spontaneity. Being spontaneous means responding immediately and genuinely to the situation you're in, now. If you're stuck in the past or the future, you're unable to let a response flow out of you, now. Being present in the now will greatly improve your ability to respond to input.
your authenticity. How can you be you if you is not even there?
fearlessness. It's impossible to be scared when you're being truly present. Without fears, it's so much easier to connect with others, to reach your goals, and to do pretty much everything you want.
relaxation. Just being in the now is so much more relaxing and less stressful than being stuck in some imaginary place in your head, all busy thinking!
So how to live in the now? How to reach - and maintain - present moment awareness? I have found three methods, or three steps, that work for me. I wonder if they will work for you!
1) Be Aware of your Body
Always keep a part of your attention on your inner body. The point is to feel your body not from the outside (its surface), but from the inside, as one vibrating energy field. And then, no matter what you're doing, always keep a part of your attention there. Eckhart Tolle talks about this in The Power of Now, which I warmly recommend anyway.
2) Ask the Magic Question
The magic question is: "What about right now?".
When I'm thinking of something that happened in the past, wondering what could happen, or even getting lost in trying to control the future, I ask myself "What about right now? Is this happening right now?". And it isn't. It might happen in two weeks, or in ten minutes, or in two seconds, or it has already happened, but right now, it's not happening.
And then I ask myself "What is happening right now, in this very moment?" and I focus on that. The past is the past, we can't change it anymore. As for the future... It always comes differently than we thought anyway. What matters is how we respond to what is here and now. That's the only thing we have control over, anyway.
When I think of something that hurts me, I ask myself "What about right now? Does this hurt me right now?". And of course it doesn't. It's only the past memory of it that hurts. Or the idea that it could happen. Memories and ideas are a construct in my head, it's not part of my reality right now. When I ask about what's going on right here, right now, and really concentrate on that, the pain immediately goes away.
When I'm scared, I ask myself "What about right now? Am I having a problem right now?". The answer is always "no". We never have a problem right now, in this very moment. When we have a problem right now, we are so busy responding to it instinctively that we don't think about it. If you're able to ask this question, you have no problem.
I discovered how powerful it is to ask this question when I was climbing. I wanted to go up a mountain. For the most part, it was just walking up. But in some places, I had to climb. It was no very difficult climbing, but I was alone, climbing without being secured in any way, with a few hundred meters of mountain flank under my feet. I'm mildly afraid of heights. At some point I looked down and thought "Holy shit. If I fall, I'm dead. And they won't even find me!". This thought totally paralyzed me. I was so scared that I kept hanging there, unable to move.
Fortunately at some point, I thought about asking myself: "OK, but right now, am I having a problem? Not in two minutes, when I fall and die. Right now. Am I having a problem?". And I found out that I had none! Both feet and both hands were firmly clinging to the rock.
So I forced myself to keep focusing all my attention only on the present moment, on my inner body, the blood rushing through my limbs, the wind in my ears, the smell of the mountain... until the panic was gone. Then I was able to move one hand up. I asked myself again "And now, am I having a problem?". Still no problem. I kept focusing all my attention on the now and, one slow move after the other, one question after the other, was able to crawl up the rock.
3) Have Eyes like Lakes
That's not only the best method I have found to stay in the now, it's also my ultimate trick to abstain from judging!
Look at an object next to you, label it, and judge it. Now think of something that scares you. Now think of what you did yesterday. If you pay attention, while you have such thoughts, you should feel some slight tension or pressure in the back of your head and neck. If you're not used to paying attention to it, it will be almost imperceptible to you. But it is there. You'll notice that you need to make a tiny effort to think.
You know the people in Japanese animes, with those eyes big like plates, that cover half their face? Now imagine you have such eyes. Don't goggle, that's not what I mean. Just imagine that you look at the things around you through such large eyes. Like a child wondering about the world. Eyes like two deep, calm lakes.
When you have such eyes, the tension in the back of your head and neck goes away. And then, it's not possible to judge anymore. It's also not possible to dwell on the past or the future. You are being intensely present in the now. :-)
When you are in such a state, you are highly aware of what's going on, ready to respond and take action, yet infinitely relaxed at the same time. You're being. Being you.
And Now?
I hope those three methods will help you to reach and maintain a state of delicious present moment awareness. They take some practice to learn, but it's well worth it!
So... Now focus on your inner body. The blood rushing through you. The energy in every body part. The whole energy field from inside. Feel it? Keep a part of your attention there.
Now think of your eyes as two large, deep, calm lakes.
Look around you. What about right now? What's going on in this very moment?
How areyou feeling? :-)
Present moment awareness is when you focus exclusively on what's going on right here, right now. Being present means paying attention to the now, without thinking of the past, projecting yourself into the future, analyzing what's happening or wondering what could happen instead. It's just being there. Or, it's just being.
Being present here and now is a very powerful place to be in. It gives you access, for example, to
your intuition. Psychic information cannot reach you if you're not being present. It's only available now. If you're absent, you miss out on a lot of intuitive nudges.
opportunities. We oversee so many opportunities when we're stuck in our head instead of paying attention here and now.
your spontaneity. Being spontaneous means responding immediately and genuinely to the situation you're in, now. If you're stuck in the past or the future, you're unable to let a response flow out of you, now. Being present in the now will greatly improve your ability to respond to input.
your authenticity. How can you be you if you is not even there?
fearlessness. It's impossible to be scared when you're being truly present. Without fears, it's so much easier to connect with others, to reach your goals, and to do pretty much everything you want.
relaxation. Just being in the now is so much more relaxing and less stressful than being stuck in some imaginary place in your head, all busy thinking!
So how to live in the now? How to reach - and maintain - present moment awareness? I have found three methods, or three steps, that work for me. I wonder if they will work for you!
1) Be Aware of your Body
Always keep a part of your attention on your inner body. The point is to feel your body not from the outside (its surface), but from the inside, as one vibrating energy field. And then, no matter what you're doing, always keep a part of your attention there. Eckhart Tolle talks about this in The Power of Now, which I warmly recommend anyway.
2) Ask the Magic Question
The magic question is: "What about right now?".
When I'm thinking of something that happened in the past, wondering what could happen, or even getting lost in trying to control the future, I ask myself "What about right now? Is this happening right now?". And it isn't. It might happen in two weeks, or in ten minutes, or in two seconds, or it has already happened, but right now, it's not happening.
And then I ask myself "What is happening right now, in this very moment?" and I focus on that. The past is the past, we can't change it anymore. As for the future... It always comes differently than we thought anyway. What matters is how we respond to what is here and now. That's the only thing we have control over, anyway.
When I think of something that hurts me, I ask myself "What about right now? Does this hurt me right now?". And of course it doesn't. It's only the past memory of it that hurts. Or the idea that it could happen. Memories and ideas are a construct in my head, it's not part of my reality right now. When I ask about what's going on right here, right now, and really concentrate on that, the pain immediately goes away.
When I'm scared, I ask myself "What about right now? Am I having a problem right now?". The answer is always "no". We never have a problem right now, in this very moment. When we have a problem right now, we are so busy responding to it instinctively that we don't think about it. If you're able to ask this question, you have no problem.
I discovered how powerful it is to ask this question when I was climbing. I wanted to go up a mountain. For the most part, it was just walking up. But in some places, I had to climb. It was no very difficult climbing, but I was alone, climbing without being secured in any way, with a few hundred meters of mountain flank under my feet. I'm mildly afraid of heights. At some point I looked down and thought "Holy shit. If I fall, I'm dead. And they won't even find me!". This thought totally paralyzed me. I was so scared that I kept hanging there, unable to move.
Fortunately at some point, I thought about asking myself: "OK, but right now, am I having a problem? Not in two minutes, when I fall and die. Right now. Am I having a problem?". And I found out that I had none! Both feet and both hands were firmly clinging to the rock.
So I forced myself to keep focusing all my attention only on the present moment, on my inner body, the blood rushing through my limbs, the wind in my ears, the smell of the mountain... until the panic was gone. Then I was able to move one hand up. I asked myself again "And now, am I having a problem?". Still no problem. I kept focusing all my attention on the now and, one slow move after the other, one question after the other, was able to crawl up the rock.
3) Have Eyes like Lakes
That's not only the best method I have found to stay in the now, it's also my ultimate trick to abstain from judging!
Look at an object next to you, label it, and judge it. Now think of something that scares you. Now think of what you did yesterday. If you pay attention, while you have such thoughts, you should feel some slight tension or pressure in the back of your head and neck. If you're not used to paying attention to it, it will be almost imperceptible to you. But it is there. You'll notice that you need to make a tiny effort to think.
You know the people in Japanese animes, with those eyes big like plates, that cover half their face? Now imagine you have such eyes. Don't goggle, that's not what I mean. Just imagine that you look at the things around you through such large eyes. Like a child wondering about the world. Eyes like two deep, calm lakes.
When you have such eyes, the tension in the back of your head and neck goes away. And then, it's not possible to judge anymore. It's also not possible to dwell on the past or the future. You are being intensely present in the now. :-)
When you are in such a state, you are highly aware of what's going on, ready to respond and take action, yet infinitely relaxed at the same time. You're being. Being you.
And Now?
I hope those three methods will help you to reach and maintain a state of delicious present moment awareness. They take some practice to learn, but it's well worth it!
So... Now focus on your inner body. The blood rushing through you. The energy in every body part. The whole energy field from inside. Feel it? Keep a part of your attention there.
Now think of your eyes as two large, deep, calm lakes.
Look around you. What about right now? What's going on in this very moment?
How areyou feeling? :-)
martes, 10 de noviembre de 2009
What is Fear?
Have you ever asked yourself what fear is exactly? Tonight, a wonderful person wrote on Facebook that "Fear is cancer of the mind". Got me thinking!
I believe that fear is not something that exists. It's only the absence of something that exists: love. Every time I experience fear, when I look deep inside, I can spot some lack of love somewhere. We get these anxious feelings and suffer when we are being disconnected from love. We call this state fear, but actually there is nothing to give a name to.
Fear is an impostor. Have you ever heard of these defenseless, harmless animals in the jungle who are able to mimic other, dangerous or poisonous species to impress their predators and avoid getting eaten? That's how I see fear too. It shows up wearing its disguise, like "Ho-ho-ho, I am the big bad wolf!!" and wants you to be scared. But the thing is, when you pull its beard instead of running away, it bursts like a bubble and dissolves! Poof!
Fear is an illusion. For a long time, I thought if I didn't listen to my fear, it would become reality. It was something like a superstition: "Oh my God, if I don't take it seriously, it will happen!". But I was wrong! When I tried it out, nothing happened at all.
Fear is a choice. Fear does a great job at trying to convince you that you'd better listen to it. It wants your attention and energy. However, you don't have to dwell on fearful thoughts. When they arise, you're free to say "No thanks!" and let go of them in peace. Fear would be delighted if you forgot this.
Even though fear feels ugly and repulsive, it just wants to be loved. Just like those masters of camouflage and mimicry in the jungle, behind its scary disguise fear is a cute, lovable creature. That's not surprising, since you are a cute, lovable creature, and fear is you.
Fear is just a particular state of being that we are in sometimes. It's an energy that we can create within ourselves and radiate, but also stop resonating with in a heartbeat - just like any other energy. We call it a negative energy because when we allow ourselves to engage with it, we block the flow of love through us and create disharmony in ourselves as well as in the world.
So, at this time I see fear as an energetic state of being, a choice, an illusion, an aspect of myself and ultimately a lack of love. What is fear according to you? :-)
I believe that fear is not something that exists. It's only the absence of something that exists: love. Every time I experience fear, when I look deep inside, I can spot some lack of love somewhere. We get these anxious feelings and suffer when we are being disconnected from love. We call this state fear, but actually there is nothing to give a name to.
Fear is an impostor. Have you ever heard of these defenseless, harmless animals in the jungle who are able to mimic other, dangerous or poisonous species to impress their predators and avoid getting eaten? That's how I see fear too. It shows up wearing its disguise, like "Ho-ho-ho, I am the big bad wolf!!" and wants you to be scared. But the thing is, when you pull its beard instead of running away, it bursts like a bubble and dissolves! Poof!
Fear is an illusion. For a long time, I thought if I didn't listen to my fear, it would become reality. It was something like a superstition: "Oh my God, if I don't take it seriously, it will happen!". But I was wrong! When I tried it out, nothing happened at all.
Fear is a choice. Fear does a great job at trying to convince you that you'd better listen to it. It wants your attention and energy. However, you don't have to dwell on fearful thoughts. When they arise, you're free to say "No thanks!" and let go of them in peace. Fear would be delighted if you forgot this.
Even though fear feels ugly and repulsive, it just wants to be loved. Just like those masters of camouflage and mimicry in the jungle, behind its scary disguise fear is a cute, lovable creature. That's not surprising, since you are a cute, lovable creature, and fear is you.
Fear is just a particular state of being that we are in sometimes. It's an energy that we can create within ourselves and radiate, but also stop resonating with in a heartbeat - just like any other energy. We call it a negative energy because when we allow ourselves to engage with it, we block the flow of love through us and create disharmony in ourselves as well as in the world.
So, at this time I see fear as an energetic state of being, a choice, an illusion, an aspect of myself and ultimately a lack of love. What is fear according to you? :-)
jueves, 22 de octubre de 2009
Example of an Empowering Social Mindset
When it comes to social skills and relationships, I always say it's all a matter of mindset. But what mindset exactly?
That is up to you to decide for yourself. We're all different. You need to find what works for you.
Here is one example of a mindset that works. It works for me. Maybe it can inspire you in finding your own empowering mindset?
Beliefs about Myself
I am a wonderful person.
I am interesting.
I know what I want.
I'm clear about my goals, values, and life purpose.
I am sexy.
I love myself damn fucking much.
People enjoy talking with me and spending time with me.
I am great in bed. Or in any other place than the bed.
I am 100% responsible for my own feelings, actions, and reality.
I am ready to step out of my comfort zone and to accept change - including in my social life.
I am perfectly fine as I am right now. (Still working on this one: sometimes I still dislike my overweight!)
Beliefs about Others
Other people are wonderful persons. There is beauty in everyone. We are all incredibly fascinating creatures. Everybody is interesting.
Other people are friendly.
I trust everybody.
Everybody likes me. When someone doesn't like me, this has nothing to do with me personally. It's because in their eyes I represent something that they don't like.
I love everybody. When I don't like someone, it's because they trigger energies in me that I don't like. It has nothing to do with them personally.
Nobody can hurt me if I don't allow them to do so.
Other people are 100% responsible for their own feelings and actions. I am 0% responsible for other people's feelings and actions.
Trying to protect others from being hurt is highly disrespectful towards them.
Other people are perfectly fine as they are right now.
Beliefs about my Social Skills
My social skills are excellent.
I can talk to any stranger, attract any relationship, and make anybody feel comfortable with me in minutes.
I'm not afraid of anybody.
Beliefs about Relationships and Communication
Friends, lovers and all people in my life are just a reflection of the love and connection that is inside me. As long as I let love and connection flow into my life, I naturally manifest friends, lovers and people.
We are all one. We are all connected. Distance is not relevant, no matter what happens we stay connected. I cannot truly lose anybody.
If someone disappears from my life, lots of other people will show up instead, who will be more aligned with who I am.
I cannot be lonely, ever.
Relationships are easy.
Communicating with others is easy.
Love is easy. It just flows.
I don't take rejection personally. It says more about the other person's choices than about me. Other people's choices have nothing to do with me.
What others think about me is none of my business. I have more interesting things to think about anyway.
If a relationship is not aligned with my highest path and purpose, I leave. Living my purpose and creating the reality I want has a higher priority than any relationship.
Loving someone does not necessarily mean spending time with them. I can choose not to associate with someone if that is not in my highest good, not aligned with my goals, or not appropriate for any other reason, and still love them. Choosing who I spend my time with is not a love issue, it's a time-management issue. (More about this here.)
Beliefs about the World and Life in General
The world is a fantastic place!
Life is so exciting!
I am here to grow and learn. Everything is a growth experience, everything is a lesson. If I learn from them, I am open to any growth experiences, no matter how uncomfortable they may feel to me.
I look forward to seeing what I will create in my life!
Everything is exactly as it should be at this time. This does not mean that we cannot create something better. ;)
Love heals everything. Especially fear.
Create Your Own Mindset
Which ones of those beliefs do you resonate with, and which ones do you not resonate with? Can you think of more beliefs that make you feel good and would improve your social life?
You are free to choose your beliefs. Create your own, very personal, super-powerful mindset!
That is up to you to decide for yourself. We're all different. You need to find what works for you.
Here is one example of a mindset that works. It works for me. Maybe it can inspire you in finding your own empowering mindset?
Beliefs about Myself
I am a wonderful person.
I am interesting.
I know what I want.
I'm clear about my goals, values, and life purpose.
I am sexy.
I love myself damn fucking much.
People enjoy talking with me and spending time with me.
I am great in bed. Or in any other place than the bed.
I am 100% responsible for my own feelings, actions, and reality.
I am ready to step out of my comfort zone and to accept change - including in my social life.
I am perfectly fine as I am right now. (Still working on this one: sometimes I still dislike my overweight!)
Beliefs about Others
Other people are wonderful persons. There is beauty in everyone. We are all incredibly fascinating creatures. Everybody is interesting.
Other people are friendly.
I trust everybody.
Everybody likes me. When someone doesn't like me, this has nothing to do with me personally. It's because in their eyes I represent something that they don't like.
I love everybody. When I don't like someone, it's because they trigger energies in me that I don't like. It has nothing to do with them personally.
Nobody can hurt me if I don't allow them to do so.
Other people are 100% responsible for their own feelings and actions. I am 0% responsible for other people's feelings and actions.
Trying to protect others from being hurt is highly disrespectful towards them.
Other people are perfectly fine as they are right now.
Beliefs about my Social Skills
My social skills are excellent.
I can talk to any stranger, attract any relationship, and make anybody feel comfortable with me in minutes.
I'm not afraid of anybody.
Beliefs about Relationships and Communication
Friends, lovers and all people in my life are just a reflection of the love and connection that is inside me. As long as I let love and connection flow into my life, I naturally manifest friends, lovers and people.
We are all one. We are all connected. Distance is not relevant, no matter what happens we stay connected. I cannot truly lose anybody.
If someone disappears from my life, lots of other people will show up instead, who will be more aligned with who I am.
I cannot be lonely, ever.
Relationships are easy.
Communicating with others is easy.
Love is easy. It just flows.
I don't take rejection personally. It says more about the other person's choices than about me. Other people's choices have nothing to do with me.
What others think about me is none of my business. I have more interesting things to think about anyway.
If a relationship is not aligned with my highest path and purpose, I leave. Living my purpose and creating the reality I want has a higher priority than any relationship.
Loving someone does not necessarily mean spending time with them. I can choose not to associate with someone if that is not in my highest good, not aligned with my goals, or not appropriate for any other reason, and still love them. Choosing who I spend my time with is not a love issue, it's a time-management issue. (More about this here.)
Beliefs about the World and Life in General
The world is a fantastic place!
Life is so exciting!
I am here to grow and learn. Everything is a growth experience, everything is a lesson. If I learn from them, I am open to any growth experiences, no matter how uncomfortable they may feel to me.
I look forward to seeing what I will create in my life!
Everything is exactly as it should be at this time. This does not mean that we cannot create something better. ;)
Love heals everything. Especially fear.
Create Your Own Mindset
Which ones of those beliefs do you resonate with, and which ones do you not resonate with? Can you think of more beliefs that make you feel good and would improve your social life?
You are free to choose your beliefs. Create your own, very personal, super-powerful mindset!
martes, 7 de julio de 2009
How to recognize manipulators?
Manipulation is a generic term for a vast range of communication techniques. What they have in common is that manipulators have a hidden agenda that they pursue without clearly saying it. Many people use manipulation to get what they want. Nevertheless, it can be very difficult to defend oneself against it, or even to recognize it.
Highly conscious and aware individuals don't use manipulation. Most people aren't highly conscious and aware though, so chances are good that you do have contact with manipulators (or are one yourself).
******
What is manipulation?
Manipulation can take many forms: emotional blackmail (making you feel bad in case you don't do what is expected from you), flattering you or telling your things in order to make you do something specific, testing you, etc. In all cases, manipulators try to gain control over your feelings and/or behavior by playing in some way on your weaknesses.
The goal for them is to get what they want. When they are successful, you end up doing what they want, even if it is something you would not have chosen to do out of your free will.
For example, if you feel particularly proud and valuable when you are needed, someone knowing this can deliberately play victim in order to make you help them. If you secretly think that you are lazy and feel bad about that, and someone suggests that you'd be a lazy bum if you don't help them move on Saturday, chances are good that you will spend your Saturday carrying transport boxes.
Manipulators do or say certain things in order to influence your feelings in such a way that you react the way they want you to react. The manipulator usually says things in an indirect and subtle way. The underlying, unspoken message, which is what they're really telling you, is expressed between the lines, not in a clear and direct way. Manipulators don't say what they want openly. They insinuate, suggest and hint.
******
How does it work?
We all have buttons that hurt when pushed and an ego that loves to be flattered. Manipulators just play on those weaknesses.
I can see two major kinds of manipulation:
The carrot method
Tthis method flatters your ego and promises to fulfill your desires. The underlying, unspoken message is "If you do X, you'll be great/cool/a good person/the result will be to your advantage/, etc." So, since you want to be great, cool, a great person and all that, you do it, without even noticing that the decision wasn't entirely yours. Ideally, the promised "reward" is something important to you. That you will get this reward isn't said clearly though, it's just suggested. Just enough for you to understand it.
The stick method
This one uses negative feelings to get you where they want to have you. The underlying, unspoken message is "If you don't do X, you'll be an egoist/lazy/a bad son/unattractive/I won't love you anymore/you'll get fired/etc." The catastrophe they are implicitly threatening you with probably will be something you are afraid of. Again, they won't threaten openly. They'll just use insinuations. But you understand them, and since you are scared of getting fired or it hurts you not to be accepted anymore, you'll do it. You'll probably think that you made this choice yourself. Maybe it will be clear to you that you did it to avoid feeling bad - but actually the bad feelings were triggered on purpose.
The carrot and the stick are often used together, either simultaneously ("You would be such a nice buddy if you helped me move, and so lazy if you didn't") or sequentially ("You'd be a hero if you repaired my kitchen sink! What, you don't want to? You loser.")
The stick method is particularly nasty, unhealthy and harmful. It takes all freedom out of the situation and leaves you only with a no-win choice: either you do what they want, or you feel bad. This is emotional blackmail. It is an abusive behavior and can lead to emotional disorders.
There are other forms of manipulation, like testing (deliberately saying or doing something just to see how the other person will respond), or pulling (deliberately saying or doing something in order to get a desired response, but without really using the stick or the carrot method). Those might be non-aligned with integrity, however they're quite harmless so I will focus more on emotional blackmail in this post.
******
How do they do it?
As I said, the real message is not expressed directly. It can be camouflaged as the expression of an objective truth, a personal feeling, or a simple question. Let's say for example that your boss wants you to work overtime, and you refuse. Manipulative answers could be
"But how are we going to do without you?" (Real message: "You are letting us down, and the project might fail because of you"),
"I thought I could count on you" (Real message: "I am disappointed with you. You're not a good employee.")
"I understand... Go and have fun, we'll manage somehow! (with a sad or strained look)" (Real message: "You are an egoist.")
-> The first step to recognize manipulation is to ask yourself: what is really being said here?
Manipulation can be difficult to recognize because it happens mostly on a non-verbal level. When someone plays on your protector instinct to get your help by acting as a poor victim, for example, it's not necessarily what they say that makes you help them. It could be the body language which says "I'm such a poor victim with my bent shoulders and those large helpless eyes looking up to you... Will you be my savior?". And whoops, your ego steps in to show how great a knight you are.
-> Pay attention to body language. Ask yourself: what is being expressed non-verbally here?
A big part of the unspoken message is often expressed in very subtle ways. It might be the tone of the voice, a particular way to look at you, expressing certain feelings, or even the choice of the words that are used.
For example if you refuse to go to a family gathering, your mother could say "OK, I understand." - but with a cold look on her face. Real message: "I don't like it. You have to come." Or even "I don't love you anymore", depending on your relationship with your mother. Or she could say "OK, I understand." but with a suffering and sad face. Real message: "You're breaking your old mother's heart..." The goal here is to make you feel guilty.
-> Check whether the spoken words are congruent with the body language. If they're not, beware!
Aside from body language, what's often used by manipulators is humor. When your friend pressures you into helping him move on Saturday, he could suggest that you are lazy by simply making a joke about your spending your weekends like a couch-potato. This is very efficient and will make you feel bad - but it's very subtle since it was "just a joke", right?
-> Remember that nobody is ever really just kidding.
All these sneaky ways of communicating can make it very difficult to recognize that you are being manipulated. It happens mostly on the subconscious level. In many cases, it could all be perfectly innocent. When the manipulator plays on an issue that's very personal to you, it can even be difficult for someone else to perceive the manipulative aspect of what they say, because they don't know how it affects you. Nonetheless, the point is: they have you where they want to have you. Manipulation generally is a highly effective tactic.
******
How to recognize a manipulative situation?
Manipulation is not easy to recognize. Awareness is key here. When you're communicating with someone, stay aware of what's really going on.
If you are not sure whether you are being manipulated or not, check the following:
Are you feeling bad?
If you feel bad when communicating with someone, that's a sign that something is not flowing harmoniously. It does not necessarily mean that they're trying to manipulate you. They could be genuine yet trigger some negative feelings in you. But they could also be manipulating you. If you feel bad, this could be because you're resisting their manipulation attempts on a subconscious level.
Most especially: are you feeling blackmailed? Or put under pressure in some way? Or maybe overly flattered? Or do you feel like you are being trapped somehow? Does it feel like you have no other choice but doing or tolerating something?
All these are signs that you could be manipulated.
Are they being congruent?
Does what they are saying accurately reflect what they actually mean? What is really being said? What is the underlying, unspoken message? How directly is it being expressed?
What are they expressing non-verbally? Is this in alignment with the words they use?
Translate all verbal and non-verbal signals you're getting from them into one simple sentence. Is this what they are saying out loud? If not, beware.
Now look at this translation. (How) is this person trying to influence your feelings? (How) is this person trying to control your behavior or to make you do something?
Is the underlying message a carrot or a stick? Is it meant to flatter you, or to make you feel bad in some way? Does it try to make you feel guilty, ashamed, scared or otherwise faulty? Does it blackmail you? Is it abusive in some way? Is it threatening or insulting? Is it intrusive or disrespectful of your person or boundaries? If one of those is the case, even if the person appears to be friendly, your alarm bells should ring!
What do they want?
Manipulators want something. They can want you to take a certain action, but it might also be something else, like your energy, attention or love. Is there something that this person wants from you now?
This something that they want, do you want it? If you do it, will you regret it? Would you do it out of your free will if you had a choice?
If the answer is "no", but for some strange reason you're feeling compelled to do it anyway, or feeling bad for not doing it, beware! This smells like manipulation.
If you feel that someone flatters your ego, ask yourself: what do they want in return? Sometimes people say nice things and want nothing in return at all. But sometimes this is accompanied or followed by some kind of request. If you're not sure, listen to your gut feeling. A useful question to ask yourself is: would they still find you that great if you didn't do what they want?
How do they react to anti-manipulation techniques?
Ultimately, the best way to recognize manipulation is to apply some anti-manipulation technique and observe the result. Depending on the reaction you get, it will be clear. I'll talk about anti-manipulation techniques in a separate post.
******
How to spot potential manipulators?
Here are - in a very generalized way - some signs indicating that you could be dealing with a manipulator:
They don't respect your no.
Many manipulators just won't accept a no. They'll still try to convince you, win you over, intimidate or seduce you into doing it. This can be done in a very charming way, in an authoritarian way, in a teary way, in a cool way, or whatever other way. The fact remains that they are in truth not respecting your no.This should make your alarm bells ring. Always pay attention when someone refuses to hear no. Big red flag.
They don't respect your will.
Same as with a no but applicable to all kinds of other decisions as well. If someone does not accept your decisions, perk up your ears. Smelly orc in sight.
They don't respect your personal space.
This can happen on different levels: on the physical level (they come too close or they systematically imitate your posture), on the intellectual level (they either try to make you change your mind in a pushy way or adopt your every opinion as theirs), on the emotional level (they stick to you or always imitate your feelings), etc. This is no proof for manipulation but in my experience, people who disrespect other people's personal boundaries also often tend to use manipulation to get what they want.
They make you feel uncomfortable.
Manipulative people often make us feel uncomfortable "for no reason". Might seem irrational to you, but trust your intuition. Your gut knows. Your work is to listen to these feelings instead of discarding them if they're not rational.
They're not straightforward
While trying to manipulate you, of course manipulative people aren't being straightforward! That's how manipulation works. But in my experience they also tend not to be very straightforward people in a more general way. For example they could frequently repress their feelings instead of expressing them. Or when they do express themselves, this could happen in an indirect way, like saying "It's getting late" instead of "Time for you to go". There's nothing bad with being polite and subtle - just pay attention and check out if that's a recurrent pattern in this person's general communication style.
Do they make indirect suggestions instead of clearly asking for what they want? ("This box is so heavy!" instead of "Would you please help me carry this box?") Do they state their opinions in a direct way, or using allusions and hints? ("Do you want to come shopping clothes with me some day?" instead of "Your clothes look lame.") Do they express their feelings openly, or do they give you cryptic cues and expect you to get it? When you ask how they are, do they say "I'm okay" but look like they're attending a funeral, or do they say "I'm sad"?
All this in itself is no manipulation of course. It's just a sign that this person could be prone to using an over-average amount of manipulation in their communication.
******
Being able to notice that someone is trying to manipulate you already helps. But sometimes it can be very difficult to deal with it anyway. We'll talk about how to defend yourself when confronted to manipulators in one of my next posts. But first I'd like to write about whether manipulators are evil or not. :-)
Highly conscious and aware individuals don't use manipulation. Most people aren't highly conscious and aware though, so chances are good that you do have contact with manipulators (or are one yourself).
******
What is manipulation?
Manipulation can take many forms: emotional blackmail (making you feel bad in case you don't do what is expected from you), flattering you or telling your things in order to make you do something specific, testing you, etc. In all cases, manipulators try to gain control over your feelings and/or behavior by playing in some way on your weaknesses.
The goal for them is to get what they want. When they are successful, you end up doing what they want, even if it is something you would not have chosen to do out of your free will.
For example, if you feel particularly proud and valuable when you are needed, someone knowing this can deliberately play victim in order to make you help them. If you secretly think that you are lazy and feel bad about that, and someone suggests that you'd be a lazy bum if you don't help them move on Saturday, chances are good that you will spend your Saturday carrying transport boxes.
Manipulators do or say certain things in order to influence your feelings in such a way that you react the way they want you to react. The manipulator usually says things in an indirect and subtle way. The underlying, unspoken message, which is what they're really telling you, is expressed between the lines, not in a clear and direct way. Manipulators don't say what they want openly. They insinuate, suggest and hint.
******
How does it work?
We all have buttons that hurt when pushed and an ego that loves to be flattered. Manipulators just play on those weaknesses.
I can see two major kinds of manipulation:
The carrot method
Tthis method flatters your ego and promises to fulfill your desires. The underlying, unspoken message is "If you do X, you'll be great/cool/a good person/the result will be to your advantage/, etc." So, since you want to be great, cool, a great person and all that, you do it, without even noticing that the decision wasn't entirely yours. Ideally, the promised "reward" is something important to you. That you will get this reward isn't said clearly though, it's just suggested. Just enough for you to understand it.
The stick method
This one uses negative feelings to get you where they want to have you. The underlying, unspoken message is "If you don't do X, you'll be an egoist/lazy/a bad son/unattractive/I won't love you anymore/you'll get fired/etc." The catastrophe they are implicitly threatening you with probably will be something you are afraid of. Again, they won't threaten openly. They'll just use insinuations. But you understand them, and since you are scared of getting fired or it hurts you not to be accepted anymore, you'll do it. You'll probably think that you made this choice yourself. Maybe it will be clear to you that you did it to avoid feeling bad - but actually the bad feelings were triggered on purpose.
The carrot and the stick are often used together, either simultaneously ("You would be such a nice buddy if you helped me move, and so lazy if you didn't") or sequentially ("You'd be a hero if you repaired my kitchen sink! What, you don't want to? You loser.")
The stick method is particularly nasty, unhealthy and harmful. It takes all freedom out of the situation and leaves you only with a no-win choice: either you do what they want, or you feel bad. This is emotional blackmail. It is an abusive behavior and can lead to emotional disorders.
There are other forms of manipulation, like testing (deliberately saying or doing something just to see how the other person will respond), or pulling (deliberately saying or doing something in order to get a desired response, but without really using the stick or the carrot method). Those might be non-aligned with integrity, however they're quite harmless so I will focus more on emotional blackmail in this post.
******
How do they do it?
As I said, the real message is not expressed directly. It can be camouflaged as the expression of an objective truth, a personal feeling, or a simple question. Let's say for example that your boss wants you to work overtime, and you refuse. Manipulative answers could be
"But how are we going to do without you?" (Real message: "You are letting us down, and the project might fail because of you"),
"I thought I could count on you" (Real message: "I am disappointed with you. You're not a good employee.")
"I understand... Go and have fun, we'll manage somehow! (with a sad or strained look)" (Real message: "You are an egoist.")
-> The first step to recognize manipulation is to ask yourself: what is really being said here?
Manipulation can be difficult to recognize because it happens mostly on a non-verbal level. When someone plays on your protector instinct to get your help by acting as a poor victim, for example, it's not necessarily what they say that makes you help them. It could be the body language which says "I'm such a poor victim with my bent shoulders and those large helpless eyes looking up to you... Will you be my savior?". And whoops, your ego steps in to show how great a knight you are.
-> Pay attention to body language. Ask yourself: what is being expressed non-verbally here?
A big part of the unspoken message is often expressed in very subtle ways. It might be the tone of the voice, a particular way to look at you, expressing certain feelings, or even the choice of the words that are used.
For example if you refuse to go to a family gathering, your mother could say "OK, I understand." - but with a cold look on her face. Real message: "I don't like it. You have to come." Or even "I don't love you anymore", depending on your relationship with your mother. Or she could say "OK, I understand." but with a suffering and sad face. Real message: "You're breaking your old mother's heart..." The goal here is to make you feel guilty.
-> Check whether the spoken words are congruent with the body language. If they're not, beware!
Aside from body language, what's often used by manipulators is humor. When your friend pressures you into helping him move on Saturday, he could suggest that you are lazy by simply making a joke about your spending your weekends like a couch-potato. This is very efficient and will make you feel bad - but it's very subtle since it was "just a joke", right?
-> Remember that nobody is ever really just kidding.
All these sneaky ways of communicating can make it very difficult to recognize that you are being manipulated. It happens mostly on the subconscious level. In many cases, it could all be perfectly innocent. When the manipulator plays on an issue that's very personal to you, it can even be difficult for someone else to perceive the manipulative aspect of what they say, because they don't know how it affects you. Nonetheless, the point is: they have you where they want to have you. Manipulation generally is a highly effective tactic.
******
How to recognize a manipulative situation?
Manipulation is not easy to recognize. Awareness is key here. When you're communicating with someone, stay aware of what's really going on.
If you are not sure whether you are being manipulated or not, check the following:
Are you feeling bad?
If you feel bad when communicating with someone, that's a sign that something is not flowing harmoniously. It does not necessarily mean that they're trying to manipulate you. They could be genuine yet trigger some negative feelings in you. But they could also be manipulating you. If you feel bad, this could be because you're resisting their manipulation attempts on a subconscious level.
Most especially: are you feeling blackmailed? Or put under pressure in some way? Or maybe overly flattered? Or do you feel like you are being trapped somehow? Does it feel like you have no other choice but doing or tolerating something?
All these are signs that you could be manipulated.
Are they being congruent?
Does what they are saying accurately reflect what they actually mean? What is really being said? What is the underlying, unspoken message? How directly is it being expressed?
What are they expressing non-verbally? Is this in alignment with the words they use?
Translate all verbal and non-verbal signals you're getting from them into one simple sentence. Is this what they are saying out loud? If not, beware.
Now look at this translation. (How) is this person trying to influence your feelings? (How) is this person trying to control your behavior or to make you do something?
Is the underlying message a carrot or a stick? Is it meant to flatter you, or to make you feel bad in some way? Does it try to make you feel guilty, ashamed, scared or otherwise faulty? Does it blackmail you? Is it abusive in some way? Is it threatening or insulting? Is it intrusive or disrespectful of your person or boundaries? If one of those is the case, even if the person appears to be friendly, your alarm bells should ring!
What do they want?
Manipulators want something. They can want you to take a certain action, but it might also be something else, like your energy, attention or love. Is there something that this person wants from you now?
This something that they want, do you want it? If you do it, will you regret it? Would you do it out of your free will if you had a choice?
If the answer is "no", but for some strange reason you're feeling compelled to do it anyway, or feeling bad for not doing it, beware! This smells like manipulation.
If you feel that someone flatters your ego, ask yourself: what do they want in return? Sometimes people say nice things and want nothing in return at all. But sometimes this is accompanied or followed by some kind of request. If you're not sure, listen to your gut feeling. A useful question to ask yourself is: would they still find you that great if you didn't do what they want?
How do they react to anti-manipulation techniques?
Ultimately, the best way to recognize manipulation is to apply some anti-manipulation technique and observe the result. Depending on the reaction you get, it will be clear. I'll talk about anti-manipulation techniques in a separate post.
******
How to spot potential manipulators?
Here are - in a very generalized way - some signs indicating that you could be dealing with a manipulator:
They don't respect your no.
Many manipulators just won't accept a no. They'll still try to convince you, win you over, intimidate or seduce you into doing it. This can be done in a very charming way, in an authoritarian way, in a teary way, in a cool way, or whatever other way. The fact remains that they are in truth not respecting your no.This should make your alarm bells ring. Always pay attention when someone refuses to hear no. Big red flag.
They don't respect your will.
Same as with a no but applicable to all kinds of other decisions as well. If someone does not accept your decisions, perk up your ears. Smelly orc in sight.
They don't respect your personal space.
This can happen on different levels: on the physical level (they come too close or they systematically imitate your posture), on the intellectual level (they either try to make you change your mind in a pushy way or adopt your every opinion as theirs), on the emotional level (they stick to you or always imitate your feelings), etc. This is no proof for manipulation but in my experience, people who disrespect other people's personal boundaries also often tend to use manipulation to get what they want.
They make you feel uncomfortable.
Manipulative people often make us feel uncomfortable "for no reason". Might seem irrational to you, but trust your intuition. Your gut knows. Your work is to listen to these feelings instead of discarding them if they're not rational.
They're not straightforward
While trying to manipulate you, of course manipulative people aren't being straightforward! That's how manipulation works. But in my experience they also tend not to be very straightforward people in a more general way. For example they could frequently repress their feelings instead of expressing them. Or when they do express themselves, this could happen in an indirect way, like saying "It's getting late" instead of "Time for you to go". There's nothing bad with being polite and subtle - just pay attention and check out if that's a recurrent pattern in this person's general communication style.
Do they make indirect suggestions instead of clearly asking for what they want? ("This box is so heavy!" instead of "Would you please help me carry this box?") Do they state their opinions in a direct way, or using allusions and hints? ("Do you want to come shopping clothes with me some day?" instead of "Your clothes look lame.") Do they express their feelings openly, or do they give you cryptic cues and expect you to get it? When you ask how they are, do they say "I'm okay" but look like they're attending a funeral, or do they say "I'm sad"?
All this in itself is no manipulation of course. It's just a sign that this person could be prone to using an over-average amount of manipulation in their communication.
******
Being able to notice that someone is trying to manipulate you already helps. But sometimes it can be very difficult to deal with it anyway. We'll talk about how to defend yourself when confronted to manipulators in one of my next posts. But first I'd like to write about whether manipulators are evil or not. :-)
lunes, 16 de marzo de 2009
Out of Body Experience
About two and a half years ago I had an awesome out of body experience (OBE) that I would like to share with you. It was very impressive to fly around without my body!
It was in summer and I was staying with my family for a month. It's a farm there, with a lake a few hundred meters away from the house.
One late night, right before going to sleep, I was lying on my bed to relax a bit. I was very tired and fell into a state of half-sleep or very deep relaxation. Suddenly, I felt slowly pulled out of my body. I totally didn't understand what was going on! It was very strange to feel myself separating slowly from my body. It's a weird sensation.
Then I saw myself from above lying on the bed with closed eyes. I wondered what happened to me. For some reason I thought about going outside, and whoop! I immediately passed through the (closed) door and was outside!
I was floating about two or three meters above the ground and could move just by thinking of where I wanted to go to. It was great not to have any weight! So I decided to go to the lake. Since I had arrived at the farm I hadn't found the time to go and see it, and I love this lake. So, why not now, I thought.
I followed the path to the lake, down to the river through the trees, across the river, up on the other side, over a meadow... always floating. I saw a wild pig (there are lots of them there) and an owl, everything was as it would really be. It was very realistic. The pig and owl didn't seem to notice me, I wondered if they could feel me.
When I arrived to the lake, I was very surprised: a hedge between two hayfields, which had always been there since I can remember, was missing! Everything else was exactly like it really was, but this one hedge was just missing.
That scared me a little. It just wasn't normal. "What the fuck is going on here!" I wondered. Suddenly I thought I should not go too far, or I could lose the connection to my body and never be able to reintegrate it! The idea I could remain bodyless and live the rest of my life in this abstract form made me feel very uncomfortable. I thought it would be just terrible to see everything without being able to interact with the world. I also didn't like the idea that my body was lying somewhere all alone and vulnerable. "What if something happens to it while I'm away?" I feared.
So I decided to go back. It still was a very pleasant feeling to float around just by thinking of it. As I arrived to the trees near the river, I asked myself "Why should I follow the path, if I can fly I'll just jump over the trees!" and whoop, I jumped over the trees. It was fun!
I went through the closed door again and saw myself still lying on the bed with closed eyes. I didn't know how to reintegrate my body properly, so I just went into it, tried to fill it entirely and then kept very quiet without moving, listening to my heartbeats and hoping it would work somehow. After a long, long time, I carefully tried to move a few toes, then my fingers, then my face... it was ok, I was back in. I got up and walked around a little, happy to feel my weight again.
All this isn't that extraordinary so far, it could be possible that I imagined the whole thing. After all I know the way to the lake very well. But the really amazing thing is that a few days later, I went to the lake again, this time together with my physical body and my mother. And the hedge was missing.
It really was missing! Everything was exactly the way I saw it while flying around. "Where's the hedge?!" I almost screamed. "Oh, your uncle cut it off in spring, to make one large meadow from the two little ones" my mother said.
So, I'm convinced I really was there that night, and I really was flying around without my body. If I had imagined the whole trip to the lake, in such a realistic way, I would have included the hedge. Why would I have chosen to leave it out? I had never seen the lake without it and didn't know it wasn't there anymore. And if my subconscious had decided to just twist one detail, why exactly the one detail that turned out to actually have changed in reality? The probability for such a coincidence happening is so low that it's more likely that I really had an OBE.
It was a really cool experience! :-)
Now I regret a bit that I didn't play around more. I could have done many fun things, like going through more doors, jumping over houses, observing sleeping people or playing Santa Claus in the chimney.
For some reason I never tried to leave my body again though. I don't know why exactly, maybe because I have no clue how I did it in the first place. It just happened and wasn't intentional. I wouldn't know how to do it again.
What I know is that the summer when it happened was the only time in my life when I was doing a lot of energy work, often and regularly, and I think this might have played a crucial role. What I was doing was:
kinesiology exercises three times a day every day, with
additional EFT when needed, followed by
meditation three times a day, plus
chakra cleansing every day.
In case having an OBE is a goal of yours, maybe practicing the above would be a possible starting point. I'm sorry I cannot give you any other advice!
One's for sure, if being dead feels like that, we really have no reason to fear death. :-)
I wish you a wonderful day!
It was in summer and I was staying with my family for a month. It's a farm there, with a lake a few hundred meters away from the house.
One late night, right before going to sleep, I was lying on my bed to relax a bit. I was very tired and fell into a state of half-sleep or very deep relaxation. Suddenly, I felt slowly pulled out of my body. I totally didn't understand what was going on! It was very strange to feel myself separating slowly from my body. It's a weird sensation.
Then I saw myself from above lying on the bed with closed eyes. I wondered what happened to me. For some reason I thought about going outside, and whoop! I immediately passed through the (closed) door and was outside!
I was floating about two or three meters above the ground and could move just by thinking of where I wanted to go to. It was great not to have any weight! So I decided to go to the lake. Since I had arrived at the farm I hadn't found the time to go and see it, and I love this lake. So, why not now, I thought.
I followed the path to the lake, down to the river through the trees, across the river, up on the other side, over a meadow... always floating. I saw a wild pig (there are lots of them there) and an owl, everything was as it would really be. It was very realistic. The pig and owl didn't seem to notice me, I wondered if they could feel me.
When I arrived to the lake, I was very surprised: a hedge between two hayfields, which had always been there since I can remember, was missing! Everything else was exactly like it really was, but this one hedge was just missing.
That scared me a little. It just wasn't normal. "What the fuck is going on here!" I wondered. Suddenly I thought I should not go too far, or I could lose the connection to my body and never be able to reintegrate it! The idea I could remain bodyless and live the rest of my life in this abstract form made me feel very uncomfortable. I thought it would be just terrible to see everything without being able to interact with the world. I also didn't like the idea that my body was lying somewhere all alone and vulnerable. "What if something happens to it while I'm away?" I feared.
So I decided to go back. It still was a very pleasant feeling to float around just by thinking of it. As I arrived to the trees near the river, I asked myself "Why should I follow the path, if I can fly I'll just jump over the trees!" and whoop, I jumped over the trees. It was fun!
I went through the closed door again and saw myself still lying on the bed with closed eyes. I didn't know how to reintegrate my body properly, so I just went into it, tried to fill it entirely and then kept very quiet without moving, listening to my heartbeats and hoping it would work somehow. After a long, long time, I carefully tried to move a few toes, then my fingers, then my face... it was ok, I was back in. I got up and walked around a little, happy to feel my weight again.
All this isn't that extraordinary so far, it could be possible that I imagined the whole thing. After all I know the way to the lake very well. But the really amazing thing is that a few days later, I went to the lake again, this time together with my physical body and my mother. And the hedge was missing.
It really was missing! Everything was exactly the way I saw it while flying around. "Where's the hedge?!" I almost screamed. "Oh, your uncle cut it off in spring, to make one large meadow from the two little ones" my mother said.
So, I'm convinced I really was there that night, and I really was flying around without my body. If I had imagined the whole trip to the lake, in such a realistic way, I would have included the hedge. Why would I have chosen to leave it out? I had never seen the lake without it and didn't know it wasn't there anymore. And if my subconscious had decided to just twist one detail, why exactly the one detail that turned out to actually have changed in reality? The probability for such a coincidence happening is so low that it's more likely that I really had an OBE.
It was a really cool experience! :-)
Now I regret a bit that I didn't play around more. I could have done many fun things, like going through more doors, jumping over houses, observing sleeping people or playing Santa Claus in the chimney.
For some reason I never tried to leave my body again though. I don't know why exactly, maybe because I have no clue how I did it in the first place. It just happened and wasn't intentional. I wouldn't know how to do it again.
What I know is that the summer when it happened was the only time in my life when I was doing a lot of energy work, often and regularly, and I think this might have played a crucial role. What I was doing was:
kinesiology exercises three times a day every day, with
additional EFT when needed, followed by
meditation three times a day, plus
chakra cleansing every day.
In case having an OBE is a goal of yours, maybe practicing the above would be a possible starting point. I'm sorry I cannot give you any other advice!
One's for sure, if being dead feels like that, we really have no reason to fear death. :-)
I wish you a wonderful day!
jueves, 22 de enero de 2009
How To Learn Meditation
I am in no way a meditation expert, and that's exactly why I'm writing this article. Because you don't need to be a meditation expert to talk about meditation, or to do it. It's the easiest and the most natural thing in the world. Everybody can do it, and everybody can learn it in five minutes.
You'll need to practice to get good at it, and that will take more than five minutes, that's true - but the goal isn't to be good, it's to practice. And you can learn how to practice in five minutes, right now.
If you would like to meditate, you don't need to be a particularly spiritual person. You need no special clothes or incense sticks or sitting in lotus position or anything like that. You can do it everywhere, any time, and three to fifteen minutes a day are enough as a time investment.
What is meditation about?
I sometimes read that meditation is about "disciplining" or "controlling" our mind, but I don't like this way of putting it. Words like "discipline" and "control" have a hard, rigid connotation that doesn't consider the great Love and Freedom there is in meditating.
Meditation for me is simply about practicing deliberately choosing what we focus on, in a very gentle and soft way.
Deliberately choosing what we focus on is very important in regards to creating our reality ("We attract what we focus on") and to reaching our goals ("Always focus on what you want"). Therefore, meditation is a great tool that will help you create the life you want. If you practice deliberately choosing what you focus on regularly while meditating, it will be easier for you to do so in all other situations too.
Why meditate?
Aside from training your ability to choose what you focus on, meditating also has other great benefits. I love it. It raises my vibration. It calms me down. It makes me feel happy and relaxed. It allows me to re-center myself and to re-connect with my Soul when I feel a little disconnected or lost. It makes me feel peaceful. It's a pleasant way to take a short break when I'm working. It clarifies my mind and makes me more creative. I don't know what effect it has or would have on you, but I'm sure it's positive too.
Meditating regularly is even better. It has all of the above benefits, but when I meditate regularly those are permanent, not only present when I meditate. It globally raises my consciousness. It also improves my overall awareness for my emotional state. Experiencing a higher vibrational state on a regular basis helps me notice much faster that I'm feeling bad when I do.
I once meditated three times a day for three to five minutes each, every day, for an entire month. It was great! During that month I felt much better, much more centered and peaceful than I normally do, even though the external conditions were more challenging than usually. During that month I also had a few spiritual experiences, including an impressive out of body experience, and I'm sure that's no coincidence.
That's why my first One New Habit A Month Challenge will be "Meditating for at least five minutes every day".
How to meditate?
Meditating is very easy. You don't need any particular ritual, but if you like rituals, then of course you can invent one for yourself. You can light a candle or incense sticks and sit in lotus position if you think that's cool, but you don't need to. No need for contorsions or tiring positions either.
You can meditate while walking, sitting on the couch or lying on your bed. It doesn't matter. What's important is that you feel comfortable. I usually meditate sitting on my office chair with my feet on the desk. I also love meditating while I'm walking or doing the dishes. Meditation is not something highly spiritual, out of this world. Integrate it into your daily life!
Just feel comfortable. Also wear comfortable clothes that you feel good in. If you're a beginner, make sure you won't be disturbed. To feel safe and free to relax it's better at the beginning to know that nobody will come in or disturb you in any way.
I also recommend using a timer. It allows you to immerse yourself in your meditation completely without keeping track of the elapsed time in the background of your mind. You can use a kitchen timer (provided it's silent when it doesn't beep), or your watch, an alarm clock, your cell phone, whatever.
How long and how often should I meditate?
As I already said, meditating regularly is particularly beneficial. So, every day would be optimal, or even two or three times a day. But you don't have to. If you just do it when you feel like doing it, that's perfectly okay too.
If you're a beginner, start with two minutes. That's enough. Then, when you like those two minutes, you can progressively increase your meditation time.
I know some people meditate for half an hour in a row, or even more. This happens to me too sometimes. But I think it's not necessary to meditate that long in order to feel the benefits of it. Three to fifteen minutes are enough, especially if you do it every day.
Whenever you meditate you raise your consciousness. I'm convinced it brings more to do so for three minutes ten times a day than for thirty minutes only once a day.
Different meditation techniques
Here I'm sharing my favorite ways of meditating:
Counting Meditation
I guess counting meditation is the easiest way to meditate. If you're an absolute beginner or a very intellectual person, start with this one.
This is how it works: breathe in. When you breathe out, think "One". Breathe in again, and when you breathe out, think "Two". Breathe in, breathe out, think "Three". In, out, "Four". Then you start anew: breathe in, breathe out, think "One". And so on. One, two, three, four, one, two, three, four...
If you start thinking of something else, don't beat yourself up. Don't try to control your thoughts in any way. When you notice you were thinking about something else, simply go back to breathing and counting, starting with "One" again. If at some point you suddenly don't know anymore what number comes next, start with "One" again too.
In the beginning it might be like "One, two, three, one, two, one, one, two, three, four, one...". That's perfectly okay. The goal is not not to think at all. The goal is to gently bring your attention back again and again to what you chose to focus on, in this case the counting.
Don't try to control your breathing in any way either. It's perfectly okay to breathe irregularly or fast or any way you feel like breathing.
I love counting meditation while I'm walking. Sometimes I count my steps, and sometimes I just think "Left, right, left, right, left, right...".
Breathing Meditation
Breathing meditation is the same, except that you don't count. Instead, you focus on observing your breath. You can focus on how the air enters and leaves your nose. Or you can focus on how the air wanders through your entire body.
It's a bit more difficult because it's all about feeling and the mind has nothing to say. Again, don't try to control your breathing or your thoughts. When you notice you're thinking, don't resist it. Acknowledge the thought, let it go in peace, and bring your attention gently back to your breathing.
Presence Meditation
I totally love this one. Presence meditation is about focusing on being in the here and now. The goal is to be fully present and aware of what's happening inside of and around you.
First, feel your inner body. This means, feel your body from the inside. Feel the energy in your feet. Then in your legs. When you're able to feel them, go up, though all your body, till you feel the inside of each part of your body. Then you can feel your whole body as one single energetic field. Concentrate on this feeling for a while, going deeper and deeper inside your body. (I learned this in Eckhart Tolle's Power of Now, you can read more about the inner body in this fabulous book if you're interested).
Now that you have built your inner awareness, turn your attention outwards and observe what's going on around you. You're hearing the sounds, smelling the smells, feeling your body touch the chair you're sitting on, etc. Maybe some emotions will surface too.
The point is to not react to any of this. You simply perceive it. Observe it, but don't react to it in any way. Accept it peacefully. And always keep a part of your attention on your inner body.
As usual, no control, and when you drift, bring yourself backvery gently.
I love the Presence Meditation when I'm doing simple things, such as washing the dishes, doing the laundry or cleansing the windows. It would be perfect if I could be in such a state all the time!
Love Meditation
Love meditation is especially good when you feel unloved, lonely or disconnected. But you can also practice it every day for no particular reason. I use it very often to send Love to others.
Take a little bit more time for this one. Sit or lay down, breathe slowly and deeply through your nose into your belly, close your eyes, and focus on loving yourself. Don't do it with your mind, don't think about reasons for loving yourself. Depending on your dominant sense, find a way to express your love for yourself without thinking.
For example you could imagine how you are smiling at yourself and gently hugging yourself. Or you could visualize yourself surrounded with a bulb of shining green light. (Green is traditionally associated with the heart chakra. I always use it as a symbol for Love because it's my favorite color. If you don't like it, it doesn't matter. Just pick any other color that you like and are able to associate with unconditional Love.) Alternatively, you could remember a song with a loving vibe that you like and imagine humming it for yourself. Or recite some kind of loving ritual prayer, like "May I feel safe. May I feel loved. May I be happy. etc.". Dunno, get creative. You need to find something that you really resonate with.
Same as with the other meditations: if you have unwelcome thoughts, let them go in peace and gently go back to concentrating on loving yourself. Do this till you feel deeply accepted and loved by yourself.
After you're comfortable with loving yourself, extend this feeling of Love to others. Focus on some person that you have no issues with, and send Love to him or her in the same way you were sending Love to yourself. Hug them or visualize them in loving green bulbs or recite your love prayer for them. Feel how you love them, how your heart is connected to theirs and your Love flows from you to them. Love is infinite, you can never run out of it. Share your Love.
Start with people you are close to and have no problem with, then gradually expand your love to friends, acquaintances, colleagues, to people you don't know at all, to people you have conflicts with, and to people you hate. You can include animals, trees, plants and inanimated objects as well.
I have noticed that when I regularly send Love to someone I have some problems with, those problems tend to disappear!
In case you don't feel comfortable with loving yourself to begin with, practice only the first part of the meditation till it feels natural to you to express loving and nurturing feelings towards yourself. If you don't truly love yourself, you cannot truly love others.
Mirroring Meditation
I particularly enjoy this one, it's a lot of fun! But you need a partner to do it. Here is how it works:
The passive partner does nothing at all except for breathing. That's a perfect opportunity for him or her to practice one of the other meditations.
The active partner mirrors his or her partner's breathing. Let's say you are the active one. Then you try to follow exactly your partner's way of breathing. This means you have to focus on your partner and copy him or her. He or she should not help you in any way, for example by breathing particularly slowly or regularly! It's your job to follow the other person no matter what she or he does. That's the fun of it.
Of course you can pick an unknowing passive partner too. I totally love doing this with Minnie. Minnie is the cat I share my home with. She loves to sleep on my desk (especially exactly on the most important papers I'm just reading). When she's lying around like this, I often do the mirroring meditation with her. But sometimes I also pick random innocent victims on the bus, in a shop or at the library and follow their breathing, when they happen to be close enough for me to hear and see them breathe.
In case you lack empathy and would like to have more of it, you could start with practicing this meditation as a fun way of aligning yourself with others.
More meditations
There are countless other meditations. You can focus on observing and labeling your thoughts, or on focusing on some object (like a candle). You can use music to meditate, either as a relaxing background while you practice some other meditation, or as the object of your focus. There is plenty of meditation music on youtube. You can find many guided meditations out there too. Another idea is to google Vipassana meditation.
If you're interested in a book about meditation, I recommend The Three-Minute Meditator by David Harp & Nina Feldman. It is simple, unpretentious and down-to-earth. It explains how to integrate meditation into your daily life, and contains many interesting meditations, visualizations and much more. I discovered the mirroring meditation in this book, although it has another name there. I really like this book.
So. You can start right now. I wish you a lot of fun, O Great Meditator! :-)
You'll need to practice to get good at it, and that will take more than five minutes, that's true - but the goal isn't to be good, it's to practice. And you can learn how to practice in five minutes, right now.
If you would like to meditate, you don't need to be a particularly spiritual person. You need no special clothes or incense sticks or sitting in lotus position or anything like that. You can do it everywhere, any time, and three to fifteen minutes a day are enough as a time investment.
What is meditation about?
I sometimes read that meditation is about "disciplining" or "controlling" our mind, but I don't like this way of putting it. Words like "discipline" and "control" have a hard, rigid connotation that doesn't consider the great Love and Freedom there is in meditating.
Meditation for me is simply about practicing deliberately choosing what we focus on, in a very gentle and soft way.
Deliberately choosing what we focus on is very important in regards to creating our reality ("We attract what we focus on") and to reaching our goals ("Always focus on what you want"). Therefore, meditation is a great tool that will help you create the life you want. If you practice deliberately choosing what you focus on regularly while meditating, it will be easier for you to do so in all other situations too.
Why meditate?
Aside from training your ability to choose what you focus on, meditating also has other great benefits. I love it. It raises my vibration. It calms me down. It makes me feel happy and relaxed. It allows me to re-center myself and to re-connect with my Soul when I feel a little disconnected or lost. It makes me feel peaceful. It's a pleasant way to take a short break when I'm working. It clarifies my mind and makes me more creative. I don't know what effect it has or would have on you, but I'm sure it's positive too.
Meditating regularly is even better. It has all of the above benefits, but when I meditate regularly those are permanent, not only present when I meditate. It globally raises my consciousness. It also improves my overall awareness for my emotional state. Experiencing a higher vibrational state on a regular basis helps me notice much faster that I'm feeling bad when I do.
I once meditated three times a day for three to five minutes each, every day, for an entire month. It was great! During that month I felt much better, much more centered and peaceful than I normally do, even though the external conditions were more challenging than usually. During that month I also had a few spiritual experiences, including an impressive out of body experience, and I'm sure that's no coincidence.
That's why my first One New Habit A Month Challenge will be "Meditating for at least five minutes every day".
How to meditate?
Meditating is very easy. You don't need any particular ritual, but if you like rituals, then of course you can invent one for yourself. You can light a candle or incense sticks and sit in lotus position if you think that's cool, but you don't need to. No need for contorsions or tiring positions either.
You can meditate while walking, sitting on the couch or lying on your bed. It doesn't matter. What's important is that you feel comfortable. I usually meditate sitting on my office chair with my feet on the desk. I also love meditating while I'm walking or doing the dishes. Meditation is not something highly spiritual, out of this world. Integrate it into your daily life!
Just feel comfortable. Also wear comfortable clothes that you feel good in. If you're a beginner, make sure you won't be disturbed. To feel safe and free to relax it's better at the beginning to know that nobody will come in or disturb you in any way.
I also recommend using a timer. It allows you to immerse yourself in your meditation completely without keeping track of the elapsed time in the background of your mind. You can use a kitchen timer (provided it's silent when it doesn't beep), or your watch, an alarm clock, your cell phone, whatever.
How long and how often should I meditate?
As I already said, meditating regularly is particularly beneficial. So, every day would be optimal, or even two or three times a day. But you don't have to. If you just do it when you feel like doing it, that's perfectly okay too.
If you're a beginner, start with two minutes. That's enough. Then, when you like those two minutes, you can progressively increase your meditation time.
I know some people meditate for half an hour in a row, or even more. This happens to me too sometimes. But I think it's not necessary to meditate that long in order to feel the benefits of it. Three to fifteen minutes are enough, especially if you do it every day.
Whenever you meditate you raise your consciousness. I'm convinced it brings more to do so for three minutes ten times a day than for thirty minutes only once a day.
Different meditation techniques
Here I'm sharing my favorite ways of meditating:
Counting Meditation
I guess counting meditation is the easiest way to meditate. If you're an absolute beginner or a very intellectual person, start with this one.
This is how it works: breathe in. When you breathe out, think "One". Breathe in again, and when you breathe out, think "Two". Breathe in, breathe out, think "Three". In, out, "Four". Then you start anew: breathe in, breathe out, think "One". And so on. One, two, three, four, one, two, three, four...
If you start thinking of something else, don't beat yourself up. Don't try to control your thoughts in any way. When you notice you were thinking about something else, simply go back to breathing and counting, starting with "One" again. If at some point you suddenly don't know anymore what number comes next, start with "One" again too.
In the beginning it might be like "One, two, three, one, two, one, one, two, three, four, one...". That's perfectly okay. The goal is not not to think at all. The goal is to gently bring your attention back again and again to what you chose to focus on, in this case the counting.
Don't try to control your breathing in any way either. It's perfectly okay to breathe irregularly or fast or any way you feel like breathing.
I love counting meditation while I'm walking. Sometimes I count my steps, and sometimes I just think "Left, right, left, right, left, right...".
Breathing Meditation
Breathing meditation is the same, except that you don't count. Instead, you focus on observing your breath. You can focus on how the air enters and leaves your nose. Or you can focus on how the air wanders through your entire body.
It's a bit more difficult because it's all about feeling and the mind has nothing to say. Again, don't try to control your breathing or your thoughts. When you notice you're thinking, don't resist it. Acknowledge the thought, let it go in peace, and bring your attention gently back to your breathing.
Presence Meditation
I totally love this one. Presence meditation is about focusing on being in the here and now. The goal is to be fully present and aware of what's happening inside of and around you.
First, feel your inner body. This means, feel your body from the inside. Feel the energy in your feet. Then in your legs. When you're able to feel them, go up, though all your body, till you feel the inside of each part of your body. Then you can feel your whole body as one single energetic field. Concentrate on this feeling for a while, going deeper and deeper inside your body. (I learned this in Eckhart Tolle's Power of Now, you can read more about the inner body in this fabulous book if you're interested).
Now that you have built your inner awareness, turn your attention outwards and observe what's going on around you. You're hearing the sounds, smelling the smells, feeling your body touch the chair you're sitting on, etc. Maybe some emotions will surface too.
The point is to not react to any of this. You simply perceive it. Observe it, but don't react to it in any way. Accept it peacefully. And always keep a part of your attention on your inner body.
As usual, no control, and when you drift, bring yourself backvery gently.
I love the Presence Meditation when I'm doing simple things, such as washing the dishes, doing the laundry or cleansing the windows. It would be perfect if I could be in such a state all the time!
Love Meditation
Love meditation is especially good when you feel unloved, lonely or disconnected. But you can also practice it every day for no particular reason. I use it very often to send Love to others.
Take a little bit more time for this one. Sit or lay down, breathe slowly and deeply through your nose into your belly, close your eyes, and focus on loving yourself. Don't do it with your mind, don't think about reasons for loving yourself. Depending on your dominant sense, find a way to express your love for yourself without thinking.
For example you could imagine how you are smiling at yourself and gently hugging yourself. Or you could visualize yourself surrounded with a bulb of shining green light. (Green is traditionally associated with the heart chakra. I always use it as a symbol for Love because it's my favorite color. If you don't like it, it doesn't matter. Just pick any other color that you like and are able to associate with unconditional Love.) Alternatively, you could remember a song with a loving vibe that you like and imagine humming it for yourself. Or recite some kind of loving ritual prayer, like "May I feel safe. May I feel loved. May I be happy. etc.". Dunno, get creative. You need to find something that you really resonate with.
Same as with the other meditations: if you have unwelcome thoughts, let them go in peace and gently go back to concentrating on loving yourself. Do this till you feel deeply accepted and loved by yourself.
After you're comfortable with loving yourself, extend this feeling of Love to others. Focus on some person that you have no issues with, and send Love to him or her in the same way you were sending Love to yourself. Hug them or visualize them in loving green bulbs or recite your love prayer for them. Feel how you love them, how your heart is connected to theirs and your Love flows from you to them. Love is infinite, you can never run out of it. Share your Love.
Start with people you are close to and have no problem with, then gradually expand your love to friends, acquaintances, colleagues, to people you don't know at all, to people you have conflicts with, and to people you hate. You can include animals, trees, plants and inanimated objects as well.
I have noticed that when I regularly send Love to someone I have some problems with, those problems tend to disappear!
In case you don't feel comfortable with loving yourself to begin with, practice only the first part of the meditation till it feels natural to you to express loving and nurturing feelings towards yourself. If you don't truly love yourself, you cannot truly love others.
Mirroring Meditation
I particularly enjoy this one, it's a lot of fun! But you need a partner to do it. Here is how it works:
The passive partner does nothing at all except for breathing. That's a perfect opportunity for him or her to practice one of the other meditations.
The active partner mirrors his or her partner's breathing. Let's say you are the active one. Then you try to follow exactly your partner's way of breathing. This means you have to focus on your partner and copy him or her. He or she should not help you in any way, for example by breathing particularly slowly or regularly! It's your job to follow the other person no matter what she or he does. That's the fun of it.
Of course you can pick an unknowing passive partner too. I totally love doing this with Minnie. Minnie is the cat I share my home with. She loves to sleep on my desk (especially exactly on the most important papers I'm just reading). When she's lying around like this, I often do the mirroring meditation with her. But sometimes I also pick random innocent victims on the bus, in a shop or at the library and follow their breathing, when they happen to be close enough for me to hear and see them breathe.
In case you lack empathy and would like to have more of it, you could start with practicing this meditation as a fun way of aligning yourself with others.
More meditations
There are countless other meditations. You can focus on observing and labeling your thoughts, or on focusing on some object (like a candle). You can use music to meditate, either as a relaxing background while you practice some other meditation, or as the object of your focus. There is plenty of meditation music on youtube. You can find many guided meditations out there too. Another idea is to google Vipassana meditation.
If you're interested in a book about meditation, I recommend The Three-Minute Meditator by David Harp & Nina Feldman. It is simple, unpretentious and down-to-earth. It explains how to integrate meditation into your daily life, and contains many interesting meditations, visualizations and much more. I discovered the mirroring meditation in this book, although it has another name there. I really like this book.
So. You can start right now. I wish you a lot of fun, O Great Meditator! :-)
lunes, 12 de enero de 2009
Being the Whole Universe
I had the most important spiritual experience of my life so far at some point between the age of one and four. I'd like to share the story with you.
That day, I was outside, surrounded with very high grass. I found an enormous white stone, quite flat. Many little red points were moving around on it. I found it very amusing to watch them. Out of curiosity, I pushed one of those little points with my finger. It stopped moving. Oh! I tried the same on other red points, and they all stopped moving. That was fun! I used the little red points to draw some nice geometrical shapes on the stone. I just watched them closely, my finger above them, and when one of them was in the right place, I pressed it.
Suddenly, something very strange happened. I felt smaller and smaller. It was like shrinking to the size of a dust particle. I felt so extremely tiny, a microscopical part of a colossal, dark, impressive Universe. At the same time I grew bigger and bigger and expanded to an enormous size. I was as huge as the Universe itself! Even vaster, as I was containing it entirely. It was even more than that - I was the Universe. I could intensively feel the whole world as being me.
It was an amazing feeling that I never forgot. Being simultaneously so minuscule and so gigantic, such a small part of the Universe and the Universe itself, blew my mind. I had such an encompassing awareness of everything that is. I've never felt so much Power and Peace at the same time.
And then I understood that those little red points on the stone were tiny red spiders, living beings, and that I had been killing them. I suddenly got a sense for what Death is, not only an idea, but a very concrete feeling for it. I also understood that I did not have the right to play with their lives the way I had been doing it.
What happened that day shook me to the core. It was the most impressive experience I ever had so far. I still remember this feeling very well, it played an important role later in my life. For instance in developing my social skills. More about this in my next post!
That day, I was outside, surrounded with very high grass. I found an enormous white stone, quite flat. Many little red points were moving around on it. I found it very amusing to watch them. Out of curiosity, I pushed one of those little points with my finger. It stopped moving. Oh! I tried the same on other red points, and they all stopped moving. That was fun! I used the little red points to draw some nice geometrical shapes on the stone. I just watched them closely, my finger above them, and when one of them was in the right place, I pressed it.
Suddenly, something very strange happened. I felt smaller and smaller. It was like shrinking to the size of a dust particle. I felt so extremely tiny, a microscopical part of a colossal, dark, impressive Universe. At the same time I grew bigger and bigger and expanded to an enormous size. I was as huge as the Universe itself! Even vaster, as I was containing it entirely. It was even more than that - I was the Universe. I could intensively feel the whole world as being me.
It was an amazing feeling that I never forgot. Being simultaneously so minuscule and so gigantic, such a small part of the Universe and the Universe itself, blew my mind. I had such an encompassing awareness of everything that is. I've never felt so much Power and Peace at the same time.
And then I understood that those little red points on the stone were tiny red spiders, living beings, and that I had been killing them. I suddenly got a sense for what Death is, not only an idea, but a very concrete feeling for it. I also understood that I did not have the right to play with their lives the way I had been doing it.
What happened that day shook me to the core. It was the most impressive experience I ever had so far. I still remember this feeling very well, it played an important role later in my life. For instance in developing my social skills. More about this in my next post!
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