Give Up! You Can Never Get It Right Anyway

There will always be people who don't like you - so instead of trying to please those around you, you better be boldly yourself and attract more suitable people into your life.



When I had my hair completely shaved off for over a year, some men found that extremely sexy. For others it was a huge turn-off. Some people told me with admiration that my shaved head looked great, and others frowned and said it was damn ugly. Some thought I was really cool for shaving my head as a woman, others found it unfeminine, inappropriate, a pity, a shame.

No matter what you do, no matter what you say, no matter how you behave, no matter what you look like, there will always be people who like you, and people who dislike you. There will always be people who approve of you, and people who disapprove of you.

It is impossible to please everybody. Impossible to ever get it right. No matter how much you try, you will always have it wrong anyway. Somewhere, someone will not like what you are.

The good news is that somewhere, someone always will also love what you are.

We can try to fit in, guess what the people around us want, and please them. We can also invest our energy into attracting people who love what we are, and let go of the others. Sounds like a much smarter move to me.

Being Ourselves is Smarter

When we bend ourselves to suit others, they feel that incongruency in us. Something about us does not feel quite right, even if they don't know what. That is not attractive. You won't be very successful that way, and the people you'll attract will be people who are not fully aligned with integrity and authenticity themselves. Like attracts like. Do you want to be in relationships with such people?

Doing things that are not who we truly are at our core costs a lot of energy. It is tiring, it makes us unhappy. We don't feel as fulfilled as we do when we allow ourselves to freely express our soul.

Bold self-expression, happiness and personal fulfillment are keys to attracting loving people into our life. People love people who are happy and fulfilled. It makes them happy as well. Such an energy is contagious. But you can't be really happy when you betray yourself.

Most of all, people love people who are uncompromisingly themselves. I guess it comes across as self-confident, courageous, independent and original, all of which is attractive. But I bet it is more than that. We just feel it when someone is being in touch with their true self. Such individuals shine a light that cannot be replaced by anything else.

Not to mention that our quirks and flaws often are some of the most charming facets of our character! The world would be poorer for our not sharing them.

How can you boldly express yourself today? :-)

Choose Your Beliefs Wisely

Your belief system has a crucial impact on your life. Fortunately, you are in control of it. What kinds of beliefs do you let into your head, and how do you know they are right for you?

Your beliefs determine the reality you live in.

Some people (including me) think that our beliefs literally create our reality, on an energetic level. Beliefs are energy. When you send out energy into the Universe in the form of beliefs, you attract energies around you that resonate with your own vibration. It's like when two waves adjust to each other when they are in contact. Everything in your life, be it people, situations, or objects, is energy, and all of it is in your life because it is in alignment with your own energy.

Even if you don't subscribe to this worldview, the fact remains that the reality you perceive is highly dependent on your beliefs. For example, it's a classical thing that when we are in a good mood, we tend to see all the positive things around us, and ignore the negative ones. When we are in a bad mood, we tend to oversee the good things and notice what sucks. We are permanently filtering the information that reaches our brain, and tend to let only what fits our current beliefs about the world reach our consciousness. I even read a fascinating article about brain research once, explaining that our brain fills in information that is missing - and even corrects the information it gets when this information does not seem to make sense.

Last but not least, what you believe directly affects your reality, because it directly influences the way you behave! And the way you behave has consequences on events and other people's reactions. If you believe that people are friendly and trustworthy, you will interact with them in a nice and confident way, which in turn is likely to make them feel like treating you well. If on the contrary you believe that the world is crowded with stupid jerks, you won't treat others very well, and probably won't get very positive feedback either.

No matter what the explanation for it is, it all boils down to the fact that we get what we believe.

You are free to choose your beliefs.

The good news is that beliefs are a choice. They may appear as something immutable and absolutely true - but that's not the case. After all, you learned your beliefs from your parents, your teachers, your friends, the media... If you were born in a different country, at a different time in history, or even in a different family, your beliefs would be completely different. So if beliefs are such a random thing anyway, this means that you can choose to believe whatever you want.

Pick beliefs that truly serve you.

Since your beliefs have such a huge impact on your life, and since you are free to choose them, why not pick beliefs that bring you the best results? That's what I do. I consciously choose beliefs that are positive and aligned with my goals. When I find a belief that sabotages me, I throw it out. I aim to fill my head with empowering, loving, abundant, healthy, and effective beliefs. The kind that helps me to reach my goals and brings me the highest level of satisfaction, fulfillment, achievement and happiness.

Some time ago I was talking about this with my friend Ken. He asked if that is not a "the end justifies the means"-attitude.

Well, in some way, yes. What matters to me are the results. I know what I want, and I see my beliefs as a tool to get there. Some people are very attached to believing only "true" things. It's almost as if they were afraid of being ridiculed forever if they happened to believe something "wrong". What's so scary about picking a belief without knowing if there is some objective Truth to corroborate it?

What I see is that every time I upgrade my beliefs, I do better. I feel better, I am happier, reaching my goals becomes easier, and the whole world is nicer. In my life I went from living in a horrible world to living in a wonderful world, just because of the power of my beliefs. That is what matters to me. Not being right.

Maybe that's because I believe there is no objective right and wrong, true and false anyway.

Find your own truth.

Even though I intentionally pick beliefs that serve me, I don't just pick any belief that looks like it would yield good results. It's more a matter of intuition. Some beliefs just resonate with me very deeply. When I think them, I feel some kind of excited knowing go through my body. Everything in me screams "Yes! This is true!" - or maybe more something like "Yes! I like that!". So I adopt these beliefs because they feel right to me. They just happen to also be the ones that lead to success!

With other beliefs, when I think them, I feel... nothing. And then I know this is just not for me. Doesn't mean it's not true or valuable - it's just not appropriate for me at this time.

I remember how I became spiritual. I was raised as a radical atheist in a very anti-religious and anti-spiritual environment. As a young adult I read the Bible, the Koran, did some research about Taoism... but all this just did not resonate with me. Then some day, I read I don't even remember where the sentence "You are a spiritual Being incarnated on Earth to grow and learn...". When I read this, I immediately knew it was true for me! I just knew it deep down in my gut, it was so clear. It made me feel extremely happy.

So maybe choosing beliefs that serve us is not so much about arbitrarily picking beliefs that our rational mind thinks would be practical - it's more about finding the beliefs that we intuitively recognize as our truth, the truth that expresses who we are at our deepest core, and that is aligned with our soul's highest path and purpose.

Giving ourselves permission to freely choose our beliefs simply enables us to tap into our own inner wisdom. The beliefs we find there are authentic. That's why they are the ones that yield the best results. Everything is so much easier when we express what we truly are, and align with our soul's highest path and purpose!

Is This Really Good Enough For You?

I'm very hard to offend, yet a few weeks ago I got totally offended. A guy said to me that he doesn't find me totally hot, but if I really wanted to, he'd have sex with me. Oh my God. I was so pissed off. I told him to go fuck himself and that I would never, ever have sex with him, and that even if not one single guy on Earth finds me sexy, I'd still not have sex with him.

Of course that was just my ego that found his comment terribly insulting. I hadn't asked for anything, to begin with! My overweight is my biggest (and actually my only) weakness. I tend to get mad as hell when a guy wants me while still finding me too fat. Oddly enough, I have no problem with a guy not finding me attractive at all.

Fortunately I talked about this fight with my spirit guides and thanks to their advice, I was able to let go of my hurt ego and make up with the guy. I dearly love him. My spirit guides are awesome.

But there's one thing that my ego was right about: I don't want to have sex with a guy who thinks I'm not totally hot. It doesn't matter how wonderful and adorable and sexy he finds me if he doesn't find me totally hot. I only want to have sex with a guy who thinks I am the sexiest Goddess on Earth. Everything else is just not good enough for me! In my experience, there is such a big difference between sex with a guy who finds me totally steamy hot, and sex with a guy who really loves me and thinks I'm absolutely wonderful, but would just prefer me thinner. The latter is soooo suboptimal.

Shortly after this episode, I was chatting with another friend of mine about how next year we both don't want to spend Christmas with the family. And he said "Hey cool! If we don't have any other plans, we could spend Christmas together." Since I still was in reactivated ego-mode, some red flags immediately jumped up and down frantically in my head. I told him I would not spend next Christmas with him. I didn't like the kinda-backup-plan-way he said that. He rectified and claimed that he'd love to spend next Christmas with me, but I just told him it was too late.

Aside from the fact that it's a lot of fun to be a bitch, my decisions make sense. When a situation feels like "not good enough", we can react with our ego, feeling insulted and acting out of pride - like I did with the first guy. That's not very wise. But we can also stay detached and simply look at the facts. And then ask ourselves: is that really what I want?

Do I really want to spend Christmas with someone who's with me because he has no better plans? In all objectivity, is that what I imagine for myself in this lifetime? Can't I dream a bit a lot bigger? This friend of mine said that is not what he meant. He really wanted to spend Christmas with me, but there might be things coming in between, he said, because it's a whole year to go. To what I replied: "if you really wanted, nothing would come in between". I'm free to want a life where others really want to be with me, so much that they do whatever is required to make it happen. Lukewarm wishes to be with me, dependent on external circumstances? Sorry, not good enough for me!

Being wise doesn't mean putting up with any crap. We are powerful, wonderful, incredibly beautiful beings. We are here to create the life we dream of. Exactly the life we dream of. Is your current reality exactly what you want?

Since those two incidents, I go around and ask myself: is this good enough for me? And that, is that good enough for me? Is this relationship exactly what I want? Is this guy exactly what I want? Is this project, this goal, this choice, exactly what I truly want deep down? It feels so good to say "Sorry, not good enough for me!" - with a smile.

What is it that you truly want deep down?

Is all this around you really good enough for you?

Is it Safe to Trust Everybody?

I recently shared some useful beliefs. One of them was "I trust everybody". In a comment, lovely Andrew asked me if it is safe to have such a belief.

Yes, it is safe. It is safe because we are safe at all times, unless we make ourselves unsafe by choice.

If you ask me, I'd even say that we can only be fully safe if we fully trust.
******

Wondering if it is safe to trust everybody implies two things.

It implies that if someone deceives us, lies to us, doesn't keep their word, doesn't fulfill our expectations, lets us down, takes advantage of us, etc., in short, if someone behaves in a way that we think is not okay and breaks our trust, then this can actually hurt us. Nobody would wonder whether it is safe or not to trust others if safety were not an issue, so this implies that other people's actions have the power to seriously affect us.

It also implies that the more you trust others, the greater the risk. Like, trusting a few people is safe, but everybody? Again, nobody would ask this question without the assumption that the more unconditionally you trust, or the more people you trust, especially without knowing them, the higher the probability that you could get hurt.

I disagree with both of these assumptions.
******

Other people's actions cannot hurt me unless I allow them to do so. I know that I am the creator of my own feelings and that I am free to choose how I react to whatever situation shows up in my life.

Seen this way, even when others break my trust and deceive me, lie to me, let me down or take advantage of me and so on, I still have the choice to let this affect me, or not. In case shit happens, I know I can take it. Therefore, trusting others is not any more risky than not trusting them. I am safe either way.

Besides, does shit never happen to people who don't trust others easily? I highly doubt that. In my experience, the contrary is the case. We see what we believe. When we are full of fear and believe that others are out to screw us over, then that is what tends to happen to us.

The probability of having shit happen to us is much higher when we are full of shit inside. Like attracts like. The more we let go of the fear and make the choice to trust, the lower the probability that we will be proven wrong. Trusting greatly contributes to our safety. There will be less shit inside that could attract the shit outside.
******

My "100% trust is default"-policy works great for me. I have found that the people in my life tend to be absolutely trustworthy and fair. I often get surprisingly much from them; more than I expect. I cannot even remember the last time I felt intentionally taken advantage of or deceived.

From time to time, someone unintentionally does something to me that I find is not okay. When this happens, I re-evaluate my relationship with them. I might completely let go of it, or reconfigure it, or just continue without changing anything. I do this only once something has happened, though. Why would I mistrust someone preventively? This is an absurd idea.
******

Some people believe that trust is something that one needs to build. Preferably slowly. Something that we need to earn by repeatedly proving our loyalty and reliability, before we get the privilege of being trusted. They believe that we should not trust people we don't know. More generally, we should not open up to or rely on anybody without being assured that we won't get hurt, disappointed or taken advantage of as a result. Like, let's not trust in order not to fall on our nose.

Such an attitude does not serve us. It's a way of trying to avoid risk by controlling our external life circumstances. Trying to control what we are scared of is futile. It just doesn't work.

Obviously, mistrusting others is by no means a guarantee that no shit will ever happen. If you let your well-being depend on other people's actions, you are fundamentally unsafe anyway, no matter how much or how little you trust others and no matter how well you succeed in avoiding opportunities to get challenged.

Trying to avoid risk means seeing ourselves as vulnerable and not trusting ourselves to be able to handle whatever we might get confronted with. That's a very weakening message that we send to ourselves.
******

The cautious attitude is based on lots of fears. These fears not only attract a lot of shit that would not happen to us if we didn't have the fears in the first place. They also prevent us from relaxing and opening up. They prevent love from flowing freely. The resulting feeling of connection to others is suboptimal. When you don't fully trust, you cannot fully love.

Only when we let go of control and fear and trust others unconditionally can we be open enough to experience love in all its warm magnificence. Are you ready for that? :-)

What is Fear?

Have you ever asked yourself what fear is exactly? Tonight, a wonderful person wrote on Facebook that "Fear is cancer of the mind". Got me thinking!

I believe that fear is not something that exists. It's only the absence of something that exists: love. Every time I experience fear, when I look deep inside, I can spot some lack of love somewhere. We get these anxious feelings and suffer when we are being disconnected from love. We call this state fear, but actually there is nothing to give a name to.

Fear is an impostor. Have you ever heard of these defenseless, harmless animals in the jungle who are able to mimic other, dangerous or poisonous species to impress their predators and avoid getting eaten? That's how I see fear too. It shows up wearing its disguise, like "Ho-ho-ho, I am the big bad wolf!!" and wants you to be scared. But the thing is, when you pull its beard instead of running away, it bursts like a bubble and dissolves! Poof!

Fear is an illusion. For a long time, I thought if I didn't listen to my fear, it would become reality. It was something like a superstition: "Oh my God, if I don't take it seriously, it will happen!". But I was wrong! When I tried it out, nothing happened at all.

Fear is a choice. Fear does a great job at trying to convince you that you'd better listen to it. It wants your attention and energy. However, you don't have to dwell on fearful thoughts. When they arise, you're free to say "No thanks!" and let go of them in peace. Fear would be delighted if you forgot this.

Even though fear feels ugly and repulsive, it just wants to be loved. Just like those masters of camouflage and mimicry in the jungle, behind its scary disguise fear is a cute, lovable creature. That's not surprising, since you are a cute, lovable creature, and fear is you.

Fear is just a particular state of being that we are in sometimes. It's an energy that we can create within ourselves and radiate, but also stop resonating with in a heartbeat - just like any other energy. We call it a negative energy because when we allow ourselves to engage with it, we block the flow of love through us and create disharmony in ourselves as well as in the world.

So, at this time I see fear as an energetic state of being, a choice, an illusion, an aspect of myself and ultimately a lack of love. What is fear according to you? :-)