Are manipulators evil?

Manipulation, be it conscious or unconscious, is not evil. Conscious manipulation is a choice. Unconscious manipulation is a habit rooted in fear.

Conscious manipulation

Some people consciously choose to manipulate others in order to get what they want. Commercials for example manipulate us. "You will be such a cool guy and all chicks will dig you if you wear those pants", "You're not attractive if you smell like sweat, so you'd better use our deodorant if you want to get laid", and so on. They call it "to create a need". And then we gladly buy the product that will fulfill the need we wouldn't have had if they hadn't brainwashed us in the first place.  Actually I find observing commercials fascinating.

Salespersons use the same kind of manipulative strategies, they even intentionally learn them. PUAs are another example. Many other people also use manipulation in a deliberate and conscious way to reach their goals, both privately and in their career.

These are choices I would not make. Using sneaky tactics to play on someone's weaknesses in order to control their feelings and behavior is aligned neither with love nor with integrity. No thanks. I am all for love, respect, and free choices for everybody. We are all one consciousness. What you do to someone else you do to yourself. What's the point in deceiving yourself?

That being said, in my book manipulation isn't evil. All choices are valid. Choosing not to be aligned with love and integrity is a valid choice as well. The word "evil" doesn't make any sense in my world. There's no good and evil, there's just different choices.

Unconscious manipulation

Most manipulators don't do it consciously. In my experience, they have been taught to use manipulation by their family and environment. As children we automatically imitate those around us. People who grew up in a manipulative environment naturally adopt this communication technique. It might not be aligned with certain values, but it's just a communication technique among many - and an efficient one.

Most manipulators simply have learned it works. They know they get what they want when they use it, so they just continue behaving this way without really being aware of what's going on. It's a mostly unconscious habit. If you told them that they are manipulators, they'd probably not agree.

Some of them just don't know how to get what they want in another way. They have never learned to express their wishes in a direct way. Or they were even actively discouraged to do so. Just saying what they want would seem rude, shameful or simply useless to them. They're not used to it. So they have to use more subtle tactics to reach their goals.

This is especially true for women. Sorry for the sexist comment. ;-) Maybe this is different for younger generations, but women my age and older generally are taught that expressing wishes in a bold and direct way is "not feminine". A very assertive behavior is usually better tolerated, or even admired, in men. But for a woman, clearly stating what she wants is rather obnoxious. Women are (were?) encouraged to express themselves in a more subtle, "feminine", "pretty" way. This is utter bullshit of course. Those stupid gender stereotypes just foster communication problems. As a result, another stupid gender stereotype is that women are manipulative! Isn't that ironic?

Another big reason for using manipulation is fear. Some people are afraid they would not get what they want if they just asked for it. So they use hidden tactics to minimize the risk of hearing no. If things don't pan out the way they want, they can just back off without losing face. In this case, manipulation is just a protection. It's a way of coping with their fear of rejection or fear of failure.

There's nothing evil about all this. Of course as conscious adults we are responsible for our behavior, no matter how we learned it or why we do it. But fear is powerful. Habits are powerful. It takes a lot of courage to overcome fear, and a lot of awareness to break deeply ingrained habits. Awareness and courage are what manipulators lack. That's not evil. You can call it cowardice - but they don't need your judgment. What you could give them is love and understanding instead. :-) Love is a powerful remedy for fear.

This doesn't mean that you should let them manipulate you though! My next post will be about how to defend yourself against their manipulative attempts.