Anti-Manipulation Mindset

Nobody can manipulate you if you don't allow it. If there is someone manipulating you, this means that you handed your power over to them. You probably didn't do it consciously, but you did it. It happened because your attitude is disempowering in some way.

Anti-manipulation techniques are nothing without the right mindset. If the way you think gives others power over you, no technique will help you in the long run. To defend yourself against manipulators, it is very helpful to shift your mindset. This means adopting different beliefs and attitudes that do not allow anybody to control you.

Here is some internal stuff that will make you STRONG when confronted to manipulators. :-)
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Take 100% responsibility for your feelings

You create your own feelings. What others do or say never causes your feelings directly. It just triggers them. What actually determines how you feel is your mindset: your beliefs, judgments and attitudes about the situation you are in.

Knowing this helps a lot in dealing with manipulators. When you think that others have the power to hurt you, you're helpless. Taking full responsibility for your feelings however gives you all your power back. Even if you're not able to control your feelings yet, even if some manipulator succeeds in triggering some unpleasant emotions in you, knowing that  you are actually the one creating those feelings, and that you have the power to change that, will make you a lot stronger.

Then you will know that they do not truly have any power over you. Their power is an illusion that you can free yourself from. When a manipulator’s subtext makes you feel bad, remember that on some level you just chose to feel bad. You can just as well choose not to let them impress you. You do have this choice.

When you practice taking full responsibility for your feelings, you will get better at choosing how you want to feel. And then, manipulators really have no power over you anymore.
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Screw guilt

If everybody is 100% responsible for their own feelings, this logically means that you are 0% responsible for other people's feelings. Other people create their own feelings. You can trigger them, but what they do with it is theirs to decide and has nothing to do with you.

Guilt is frequently used by manipulators to blackmail people. "If you don't do xyz, I will be sad." Well, too bad for them if they choose to feel sad! That's their problem, not yours.

Same with actions: you are NOT responsible for other people's actions. "If you don't do xyz, I will drink myself into a coma." Oh yeah? What they do with their life is their decision and none of your business.

In case you think that is heartless, I disagree. This is the most loving attitude I can think of. You don't do anybody a favor by taking the responsibility for their life away from them. Actually, it is highly disrespectful.

Don't feel guilty for other people's feelings or actions. Never. Also, don't feel guilty for your own decisions. Make clear and conscious choices according to your values, priorities and goals - and stand by them shamelessly. Guilt is a totally useless and draining feeling. Kick it out of your life.
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Get rid of fear

Along with guilt, another emotion that manipulators love to use for their own benefit is fear. If you are scared of something, it’s very easy for someone else to gain power over you. They just need to trigger your fear. They just need to suggest very subtly that what you fear could come true if you don’t do what they want – and you do it.

Facing and transcending your fears will make you much less vulnerable to manipulators. If you’re not afraid of losing your job, your boss will have a hard time using firing you as a threat to make you work overtime. If you’re not afraid of getting dumped or being single, you are much less likely to be a doormat in your relationship. If you’re not afraid of being unattractive, you won’t feel compelled to buy all the beauty products commercials try to sell you. And so on.

Fear is powerful. It’s not easy to “just” face and transcend it. What you can do as a first step is to become aware of it. When fear shows up, acknowledge it, say hello to it, call it by its name, and then just observe it. If a manipulator plays on your fear of something in order to control you, alone being aware of what's going on will help you.

Keep in mind that you create your fear, just as any other feeling. You have the choice not to take it seriously and not to react to it.
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Heal pain

I guess we all have some old pain hidden in an obscure closet in the cellar of our mind. Some manipulators are great at spotting such old pain and playing on this weakness to get what they want. For some people, being reminded of it is so extremely painful that they'd do anything just not to have this hot spot triggered. This makes them very, very vulnerable.

If you have such old pain in you, heal it. There are many methods. You can use EFT, talk about it with a psychotherapist, consult an energy healer, or work with a coach specialized in such issues. For example Angela is great in such matters.
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Be at peace with yourself

The lower your self-esteem, the easier you become a prey for manipulators. The more you have problems with yourself, the more you're vulnerable. If you think bad things about yourself, it’s easy for others to push those buttons. Only what you resonate with on some level can hurt you or have any power over you.

If for example you hate yourself for what you perceive as your laziness, then it’s very easy for a manipulator to insinuate that you would be lazy if you didn’t help them move on Saturday. You will go all defensive inside and resist this idea so much that you will probably help them. What?! Me, lazy? Not at all! Fuck. Now you need to prove, if only to yourself, that you're not lazy, or else you will hate yourself all weekend. And whoops, they got what they wanted. Easy, really.

Now if you are perfectly fine with being lazy, then if some bozo insinuates that you would be lazy if you didn’t help them move on Saturday… Yeah, so what? They have no power over you. You can freely choose what you want to do with your time. You can even tell them that you want to fully enjoy your grandiose laziness this weekend instead of helping them.

If you have no problem with the way you are at this time, nobody can use any of your self-perceived weaknesses to make you do what they want. When your attitude is “Yes! That’s how I am. So what?!”, manipulators have a hard time with you. So, accept yourself fully, as you are. I know this can be difficult, but if you succeed at it, you’re invulnerable!

Acceptance does not mean condoning or not changing anything. It simply means acknowledging what is, and accepting that you are in that place at this time. Doesn’t mean you cannot leave that place later.
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Cultivate detachment

Keep in mind that you are not the roles that you play or the things that you identify with. You are not your relationship with your lover. You are not your job. You are not a good son or a loving parent. You are you. All those things don't define you.

A lot of fear and guilt stems from our identification with things that do not truly belong to us. If you strongly identify with your job or marriage, then you’ll be very afraid of losing them. If you strongly identify as your mother’s son or as a helpful friend,  you’ll feel guilty when you don't behave accordingly. But if you recognize that you are not all that, it will be easier for you to let go of the fear or guilt.

You can never truly lose anything. We are all connected at all times. When things or people fade out of our life, you are still connected to them. And ten new things or people will show up in your reality instead. The Universe is infinitely abundant. All those things change nothing about who you are at your core anyway. You are at all time wonderful and whole. Whatever is, is, and is perfect. :-)
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This set of beliefs and attitudes is all about disallowing others to have any power over you. When confronted to a manipulator, always remember that they do not truly have any power over you. They cannot possibly control you if you don't allow them.

What has power over you is your belief that your feelings are caused by the situation you are in instead of by yourself. What also has power over you are your own fears, guilt, self-hate or attachment to roles and things outside of you. Fortunately, all this does not have any real power over you either! Only as much as you give it.

You can choose to give your power away - or you can choose to claim it back. You are free. :-)

Say "You love me"!

Something interesting happened tonight, while I was chatting with Víkþóri on Pidgin. Víkþórr is this charming young man waiting for me in Norway whom I mentioned a few posts ago. (This is no typo, btw: "Víkþóri" is the dative form of his name, and "Víkþórr" the nominative.)

So tonight we were chatting. I was talking about soap, when suddenly he wrote:

(11:17:21 PM) Víkþórr Veggiss Berurjóðr: You love me. :) :·x

Logically, I thought he was interpreting my story about my soap that doesn't wash well as a proof of my love for him. I didn't quite get that.

(11:17:30 PM) Rósíngr: ?
(11:17:39 PM) Rósíngr: Sure I do!
(11:17:43 PM) Víkþórr Veggiss Berurjóðr: :)
(11:17:45 PM) Rósíngr: But why are you saying that now?
(11:17:53 PM) Víkþórr Veggiss Berurjóðr: Because. :)
(11:17:55 PM) Víkþórr Veggiss Berurjóðr: :·x
(11:18:03 PM) Víkþórr Veggiss Berurjóðr: Tell me I love you.
(11:18:28 PM) Rósíngr: :D
(11:18:32 PM) Rósíngr: You love me. :)
(11:18:42 PM) Víkþórr Veggiss Berurjóðr: Yes I do. :)
(11:18:46 PM) Víkþórr Veggiss Berurjóðr: Very much.
(11:18:56 PM) Rósíngr: :D
(11:19:05 PM) Rósíngr: You're so wonderfully confusing at times. :)

(That's true!)

(11:19:17 PM) Víkþórr Veggiss Berurjóðr: :D Cool.
(11:19:23 PM) Rósíngr: You know what?
(11:19:27 PM) Víkþórr Veggiss Berurjóðr: No.
(11:19:28 PM) Rósíngr: This felt great!
(11:19:32 PM) Víkþórr Veggiss Berurjóðr: What?
(11:19:39 PM) Rósíngr: I love it when you tell me that I love you. :)
(11:19:43 PM) Víkþórr Veggiss Berurjóðr: Oh. :)
(11:19:50 PM) Víkþórr Veggiss Berurjóðr: You love me. <3
(11:19:59 PM) Rósíngr: Oh yes! Very much so.
(11:20:02 PM) Víkþórr Veggiss Berurjóðr: I like it too. :)
(11:20:07 PM) Rósíngr: You love me. :)
(11:20:13 PM) Víkþórr Veggiss Berurjóðr: Oh, yes! :D
(11:20:34 PM) Rósíngr: It feels so great to hear that. :) I don't know why, but it feels just wonderful.
(11:20:49 PM) Víkþórr Veggiss Berurjóðr: :) I agree.

It really feels great! Wow. "I love you" is such an anemic sentence. "You love me" on the other hand, that's a vibrant, alive, powerful, confident, exciting statement! It made me immediately fall in love with him on top of already being in love with him.


After half an hour of sweet talk about love, languages and our relationship...


(11:54:52 PM) Víkþórr Veggiss Berurjóðr: You love me so much. :)
(11:55:21 PM) Rósíngr: Oh yes. :) And you love me so much too!
(11:55:27 PM) Víkþórr Veggiss Berurjóðr: Yes. :D
(11:55:37 PM) Víkþórr Veggiss Berurjóðr: You want to fuck me. ;)
(11:55:53 PM) Rósíngr: Do you allow me to quote this on my blog? XD

(He said yes, or else you wouldn't be reading it)

I thought I just had to share this idea with you! It's SO brilliant to turn "I love you" around. "You love me" sounds totally exciting and warm. Not to speak of "You want to fuck me"...! If he didn't live 2500km away from me I'd have made wild passionate love to him right away.


Next time you feel like saying "I love you" to someone, don't. Say "You love me" instead. And see what happens! :-)


(Btw, he got the idea here.)

Banning Warm Water

Some weeks ago I switched the warm water off in my house. I now shower cold, and more generally wash myself only with cold water. Here's why.

I think that we humans, especially in the western culture, have gotten way too soft and weak. We hide in heated houses, use cars instead of walking, cover ourselves in huge amounts of clothes, whine around and swallow pills as soon as something hurts a tiny little bit, and get a cold or a flu each time we have the opportunity to. What a shame. We're such wimps.

Even though I don't get sick anymore since I went raw, I have decided to toughen up. To begin with, I want to get used to cold. I can already deal with high temperatures, even if I hate them, but when it gets too cold I think I'm going to die. This is intolerable!

So the first obvious step is to ban warm water from my house, which is what I did. Doing the dishes with cold water is no problem on a raw diet, since you don't have any greasy pots and pans to wash. Showering cold also is no problem. We don't need warm water to get clean. Green clay or organic shower gels together with cold water are enough. Particularly on a raw diet you're less dirty and don't need any warm water & loads of soap in order not to stink obnoxiously.

On a practical note, moving from South France, which is damn fucking hot for my taste, to Norway, which I imagine to be damn fucking cold, will probably be quite a shock! Getting used to tolerating more cold already now is a good preparation. Especially since my intention is to make it through the Norwegian winter barefoot. I love walking barefoot so much, I'd hate to have to wear shoes again.

I'm also thinking about the environmental impact. Heating all this water costs lots of energy. How unnecessary. Using less water and less energy to heat it seems to be a respectful thing to do to me. Warm showers are a luxury that I can easily live without.

Actually, I don't consider warm showers to be a luxury anymore. How can something unhealthy be called a luxury?

We're just not meant to use warm water. Except for very few places on Earth, there's none naturally available to us out there. Especially our skin isn't made for dealing with it. I've known for a long time now that warm water harms my skin. I have a very sensitive skin, and obviously it's much better off when it doesn't get in contact with warm water.

When I was eating mostly cooked foods, my legs used to hurt, probably because of invisible varices. This always was much worse after showering (warm) and a bit better after putting some cold water on my legs. Since I switched to raw food, my legs don't hurt anymore. However, I have learned from it that cold water is better for my blood circulation.

Showering cold betters the skin, boosts the blood circulation and strengthens the immune system. It's just healthier!

I had to get used to it. It was quite a shock when I switched. At first I was screaming, laughing hysterically and cursing under the shower (French is such a great language to curse in!).  But adapting was doable.

Last week I showered warm a few times. I was having PMS, and I thought "Come on, let's have a nice warm shower as a way of "taking special care of myself" during PMS...". Well, after two or three nice warm showers, I naturally went back to showering cold, 'cause that just felt so much better! From now on, "taking special care of myself" involves showering cold.

What do you think?

Sleeping on the Floor

<- This is my bed. For several months now I've been sleeping on the floor. I love it!

I had already been sleeping without a pillow for a couple years. Then, during my polyphasic sleep experiment in spring, I avoided sleeping in my bed. I was afraid I would fail to wake up in time if I took my naps in a bed. So I slept, with my clothes on, on the carpet in the living room. I loved it so much! It felt great. After the polyphasic sleep experiment had failed (I did fail to wake up in time, with or without a bed), I went back to sleeping in my bed. But I remembered how great the carpet was.

Later, when I started developing my intuition, I naturally began to walk barefoot, and about at the same time I also began to sleep on the floor again. I sleep on the same carpet, which is now in the bedroom. I couldn't get completely rid of the bed since I am house-sitting, but as you can see on the picture I found a way to manage. I don't sleep with my clothes on anymore though. I sleep naked, with a sheet between the carpet and me, because of my sensitive skin. Sometimes I also just sleep on some blanket somewhere else.

The first night, it did hurt like hell. When you're used to sleeping on your front, and you have cup size F, sleeping on a thin carpet is a pain in the ass boobs. It was only the boobs though, my back didn't hurt. The second night, either I had found another sleep position, or my boobs had gotten used to it -  either way, it didn't hurt anymore. And since then, I've never had any problem with it.

I totally love it! It feels completely natural to me now. I have a hard time imagining how I could not sleep on the floor. It's much, much more pleasant than to sleep in a bed. And my back loves it too. When I sleep at someone else's place, and they give me a bed or a mattress on the floor to sleep on, I clearly notice the difference. Yuck. I always get back pain from it. I'm convinced that sleeping on the floor is hugely beneficial for our back and overall health.

The next step is that I actually want to sleep outside. I already sleep with open windows, but it's just not the same.

Update on Rose's Personal Adventures

I got a bunch of emails asking why my blog is so silent at the moment, and what I've been busy with lately. Now shall this mystery be revealed!

Target: Norway

I spend most of my time jobbing at the moment. My goal, aside from surviving, is 1) to buy a laptop, so that I can work from anywhere, and 2) to afford a journey to Norway. If everything goes well, I'll be visiting Oslo in November.  And if everything goes really well, I'll stay there.

I have decided to emigrate to Norway. I am currently learning Norwegian. Sitting in France while learning Norwegian makes little sense. When I learn a foreign language, I want to live among those people who speak my target language. This way I can practice and learn 24/7. Everything else feels damn frustrating to me.

Additionally, there's a charming young man waiting for me in Oslo. This nice bonus came up after I decided to emigrate, but now it motivates me to do so asap. I hate long distance relationships, and cybersex loses its charm pretty quickly.

Psychic Training

Aside from jobbing and enjoying some hot Skype sessions, what I spend a lot of time on is my psychic development.

Soul Realignment

I recently started training as a Soul Realignment Practitioner with Andrea. In Soul Realignment, we find out who people are at soul-level: their energy center of training, the soul group they belong to, etc.. Such details usually have a huge influence on people's personality and life. It's so interesting to learn about all this!

What I most love about Soul Realignment is that we also check if there are any energetic or soul-level blocks or negative influences that keep our clients stuck, and if there are, we clear them. This healing aspect of the work is what I'm truly interested in. After I had a reading with Anna last winter, I felt weird for several weeks (in a good way). It was a big shift in consciousness. And then, my life took a whole new turn! I'm so happy I will soon be able to do the same for other people. :-)

I'm working with seven practice clients for now. It's very, very fascinating! I totally love it. At the same time, it feels very familiar to me. It's like coming home, I feel like I've always been doing it. When I'm sitting there asking about their souls, I know: this is the work I am meant to do.

Spirit Guides

Anna teaches me how to talk with other people's spirit guides. I'd like to be able to do that. This way, I could channel messages for my clients from their guides and the other way around.

Soul Realignment is about knowing who we are at soul-level, and about clearing energetic restrictions. It's not so much about day-to-day decisions. Being able to communicate with people's spirit guides would allow me to help them in more mundane matters.

I'm very lucky to have two great teachers. I love working with Anna! First, she has a very sexy accent. And second, her training is a lot of fun. :-) We started last week. She gave me some exercises that I did every day. I'm very much looking forward to seeing where it will lead!

Language Coaching

I recently started a business as a French and German coach for language fetishists. Being one myself, I love to work with them. Teaching language fetishists is a lot of fun! I was used to doing this with friends, but teaching people I don't know well and getting paid for it is a whole new level.

I already have one guinea pig client who's totally adorable and allows me to experiment and make mistakes. I teach him French via email and Skype, and have now started recording audios as well. I'm not comfortable yet with recording myself and with audio teaching, so this is pushing me outside of my comfort zone. For the future, I can see myself creating a lot more audios and even small educational videos.

My language coaching work makes me very happy. I love it! I cannot imagine my life without it anymore.

Of course I'm building a new website for my business, with a little blog on language fetishism. It's still work in progress, so I'll keep it secret for now!

My plate is just too full. But I'll try to write more on this blog. I love it so much!

And I love you. :-)

I hope you're all well. Sending much love to you. :-)

Anti-Manipulation Techniques

What to do when you notice that you are being manipulated? Because of the indirect nature of manipulation, it's not easy to defend yourself against it. When someone tells you "Do X." it's easy to say "yes" or "no". But when they don't openly ask for X, refusing to do it gets tricky. How do you say no when you weren't asked for anything in the first place?

In this post I will share a few of my favorite anti-manipulation techniques. These techniques are nothing without the right mindset, though. I'll talk about that in my next post.
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The translator method

The translator method is the easiest and the most efficient anti-manipulation technique I have found. It works like this: you are in a situation where you are being manipulated by someone whom  I will call your opponent to keep it general. Then you simply translate what your opponent is expressing both verbally and non-verbally into a simple sentence. And you ask them if this is what they mean.

Example: you don't want to attend the family gathering. Your mother says "OK, I understand." but with a very sad look on her face. You feel guilty, and now you're trapped. You really don't want to attend, but you feel bad about your mother being sad because of you. What to do?!

Translator method: you say "Do you mean that I am breaking your heart by not attending?"

This can be done in a very friendly, loving tone. You can sit down next to your mom and ask "I'm not sure I'm understanding you correctly. Do you mean that ...".

The translator method is great to find out what your opponent really feels or thinks. Many people don't say what they really think, or don't say it directly. With the translator method, you can gain interesting insights and even heal some of your relationships. It's particularly appropriate when dealing with friends, lovers and other people who are important to you and whom you would like to communicate with in a healthy way.

The translator method is also great in situations where you are not sure whether your opponent is trying to manipulate you or not. It will give you clarity.

Example: Your mother could be sad that you are not attending the family gathering, yet genuinely understand your decision and grant you the freedom to make this choice. In that case, no manipulation.

You: Do you mean that I am breaking your heart?
Opponent: Nah, of course not. Sure I am sad that you're not attending. But it is your right, and I respect that.

-> Conflict solved. No problem. You can hug her and tell her that your not attending changes nothing about how much you love her.

The other possibility is that she really was trying to make you feel guilty so that you change your mind. What happens when you use the translator method in truly manipulative situations?

Outcome #1: they agree.

You: Do you mean that I am breaking your heart?
Opponent: Yes! It breaks my heart that you won't be there! You are such a bad son. / You don't love me. / What will the relatives think. / etc.

This is a great outcome. At least things are being brought from the subconscious to the conscious level now. Calling a cat a cat is always healthier. Now you can talk about the real problem in a clear and honest way.

Outcome #2: they deny.

Usually the answer you'll get is "no, no..." followed by "just", and often by another manipulative attempt.

You: Do you mean that I am breaking your heart?
Opponent: No, no... It's just that I almost never see you. / No, no.... I just thought that your grandmother would be happy to see you, she's getting old you know...

In that case, continue using the same technique.

You: Do you mean that I am breaking your heart?
Opponent: No, no... It's just that I almost never see you.
You: Do you mean that you would like to see me more often?

And so on. You can continue using the translator method until you reach the point where your opponent clearly says what they really think. And then you can discuss the real problem.

Outcome #3: they get really pissed off.

Dealing with angry people is beyond the scope of this post. If they try to manipulate you further, you can continue using the translator method. If they stop beating around the bush and are straight with you, you can talk about it. If they get downright insulting, make personal attacks, threaten or shout, state clearly that you refuse to talk with them under these circumstances. Break the conversation off and leave.
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The literal method

The translator method consists in making the subtext (= the underlying, unspoken message) clear and conscious by talking about it. A completely different approach is to simply ignore the subtext. React only to what's being said. Basically, feign emotional stupidity.

Example: You don't want to attend the family gathering. Your mother says "OK, I understand." and looks very sad. You ignore the sadness, give her a kiss on her cheek and say "I knew you'd understand!".

Another example: Your neighbor wants you to help her assemble her new book shelf. Instead of saying it, she tells you what a nice apartment you have, and how talented you must be with your hands, talks about furniture, all this innocently followed by a description of her problem with the book shelf. She looks up at you with big helpless eyes and says "I don't know what to do.".

Now instead of thinking that you have no other choice than to help her, you reply by quoting Steve Pavlina for her edification: "“I don’t know what to do” is pure nonsense. Of course you know what to do. You’re just scared that you won’t be able to handle it.". Or you simply tell her that you are sure she will soon get an idea.

This method is particularly appropriate when

it is very clear that your opponent is trying to manipulate you
your opponent is not very important to you, or
you are fed up with making efforts to better the communication between the two of you

This method is logical. It's based on the premise that we are all responsible for asking for what we want, and if your opponent does not clearly say what they really want, there's no reason they should get it. Using this method means refusing to consider any subtle cues and indirect communication. It educates others to straight talk.

It definitely is a radical way of discouraging your opponent from ever manipulating you again! However, it requires you to be able to take a fair amount of pressure, which can be difficult if you are not as insensitive as you feign to be. Some people won't let you escape that easily. When they see that it doesn't work, they could intensify the pressure and if you don't have the right mindset, you will feel really bad. If it doesn't work out well, switch to the translator method.
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The subtext exaggeration method

Here, instead of ignoring the subtext, you ignore the rest and react only to the subtext. That is, you don't react to it. Instead of having the reaction that your opponent expects, you openly agree with the subtext and even exaggerate it, but without taking action.

Example: Again you don't want to attend the freakin' family gathering, and once more your mother says that she understands, but looks very sad. Let's assume that she's generally manipulative and you know she's just trying to make you feel guilty. You say "Yes absolutely! I am such a bad son for breaking my old mother's heart like this. Really, I should immediately go commit suicide!".

Another example: Your helpless neighbor behaves like I explained above, looks up at you and says "I don't know what to do". You reply with a big grin: "Oh wow, I would be a true hero then, if I rushed to such a helpless victim's aid!". But you don't do it of course. You just say it. You can even lean back and cross your arms while saying it to clearly show that you won't do it.

And then just look straight into their eyes.

This method is particularly appropriate when you know for sure that your opponent is trying to manipulate you and you want to make it clear to them that you see very well what they're up to, and that such tactics do not work with you. It's like the translator method, but instead of fostering dialog, understanding and honest communication, this one is more of a "in your face" kind of response.

To use this method you will need to analyze the subtext of what they are saying quickly, since that is what you will be replying with. If you're not that good at getting unspoken messages, use the translator method instead. Then you can ask if that's what they really mean. If you just rub it under their nose it's better to be accurate first!

Here too you will need to be able to take some pressure as well as to deal with angry opponents. This method is especially likely to piss them off because it debunks them so insolently.
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The time delay method

Use this one if you feel that you are being manipulated without knowing exactly how. If you aren't able to translate the subtext, or not aware of what's going on exactly, but just feel uncomfortable and under pressure, then just refuse to make a decision immediately. Ask for a time delay.

You could say something like "I'll think about it. I'll let you know what I have decided." or "I cannot decide this right now. I need more time to think about it. I'll come back to you when I have made up my mind.".

What's important is to tell them that you will let them know when you have made up your mind. This shows that YOU are in control, not they. You are free to think about it as much as you want. You are free to decide whatever you want, whenever you want. You will inform them of your decision - which means that your decision is entirely yours.

Plus, this way they have no valid reason to bug you with this topic anymore. If they keep bringing it up, you can say "I told you I'd let you know what I have decided. Let's not talk about this for now, please.".

This technique is particularly useful when your mindset is weak, and you feel very strongly compelled to give in, although you know you don't want to. Then a time delay is a good emergency solution. But it is only that: an emergency solution. Work on your mindset and get stronger.
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There are a lot more anti-manipulation techniques. Verbal self-defense is an absolutely fascinating topic anyway! But with just those few ones you should already be able to deal with all kinds of manipulators.

Using techniques to counter manipulation is just one small part of the whole though. To truly defend yourself you need more than techniques. You need the right mindset. That's much more important than to use any tricks! It will also make using the above techniques wayyyy easier - or even completely unnecessary.

Are manipulators evil?

Manipulation, be it conscious or unconscious, is not evil. Conscious manipulation is a choice. Unconscious manipulation is a habit rooted in fear.

Conscious manipulation

Some people consciously choose to manipulate others in order to get what they want. Commercials for example manipulate us. "You will be such a cool guy and all chicks will dig you if you wear those pants", "You're not attractive if you smell like sweat, so you'd better use our deodorant if you want to get laid", and so on. They call it "to create a need". And then we gladly buy the product that will fulfill the need we wouldn't have had if they hadn't brainwashed us in the first place.  Actually I find observing commercials fascinating.

Salespersons use the same kind of manipulative strategies, they even intentionally learn them. PUAs are another example. Many other people also use manipulation in a deliberate and conscious way to reach their goals, both privately and in their career.

These are choices I would not make. Using sneaky tactics to play on someone's weaknesses in order to control their feelings and behavior is aligned neither with love nor with integrity. No thanks. I am all for love, respect, and free choices for everybody. We are all one consciousness. What you do to someone else you do to yourself. What's the point in deceiving yourself?

That being said, in my book manipulation isn't evil. All choices are valid. Choosing not to be aligned with love and integrity is a valid choice as well. The word "evil" doesn't make any sense in my world. There's no good and evil, there's just different choices.

Unconscious manipulation

Most manipulators don't do it consciously. In my experience, they have been taught to use manipulation by their family and environment. As children we automatically imitate those around us. People who grew up in a manipulative environment naturally adopt this communication technique. It might not be aligned with certain values, but it's just a communication technique among many - and an efficient one.

Most manipulators simply have learned it works. They know they get what they want when they use it, so they just continue behaving this way without really being aware of what's going on. It's a mostly unconscious habit. If you told them that they are manipulators, they'd probably not agree.

Some of them just don't know how to get what they want in another way. They have never learned to express their wishes in a direct way. Or they were even actively discouraged to do so. Just saying what they want would seem rude, shameful or simply useless to them. They're not used to it. So they have to use more subtle tactics to reach their goals.

This is especially true for women. Sorry for the sexist comment. ;-) Maybe this is different for younger generations, but women my age and older generally are taught that expressing wishes in a bold and direct way is "not feminine". A very assertive behavior is usually better tolerated, or even admired, in men. But for a woman, clearly stating what she wants is rather obnoxious. Women are (were?) encouraged to express themselves in a more subtle, "feminine", "pretty" way. This is utter bullshit of course. Those stupid gender stereotypes just foster communication problems. As a result, another stupid gender stereotype is that women are manipulative! Isn't that ironic?

Another big reason for using manipulation is fear. Some people are afraid they would not get what they want if they just asked for it. So they use hidden tactics to minimize the risk of hearing no. If things don't pan out the way they want, they can just back off without losing face. In this case, manipulation is just a protection. It's a way of coping with their fear of rejection or fear of failure.

There's nothing evil about all this. Of course as conscious adults we are responsible for our behavior, no matter how we learned it or why we do it. But fear is powerful. Habits are powerful. It takes a lot of courage to overcome fear, and a lot of awareness to break deeply ingrained habits. Awareness and courage are what manipulators lack. That's not evil. You can call it cowardice - but they don't need your judgment. What you could give them is love and understanding instead. :-) Love is a powerful remedy for fear.

This doesn't mean that you should let them manipulate you though! My next post will be about how to defend yourself against their manipulative attempts.