Manipulation is a generic term for a vast range of communication techniques. What they have in common is that manipulators have a hidden agenda that they pursue without clearly saying it. Many people use manipulation to get what they want. Nevertheless, it can be very difficult to defend oneself against it, or even to recognize it.
Highly conscious and aware individuals don't use manipulation. Most people aren't highly conscious and aware though, so chances are good that you do have contact with manipulators (or are one yourself).
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What is manipulation?
Manipulation can take many forms: emotional blackmail (making you feel bad in case you don't do what is expected from you), flattering you or telling your things in order to make you do something specific, testing you, etc. In all cases, manipulators try to gain control over your feelings and/or behavior by playing in some way on your weaknesses.
The goal for them is to get what they want. When they are successful, you end up doing what they want, even if it is something you would not have chosen to do out of your free will.
For example, if you feel particularly proud and valuable when you are needed, someone knowing this can deliberately play victim in order to make you help them. If you secretly think that you are lazy and feel bad about that, and someone suggests that you'd be a lazy bum if you don't help them move on Saturday, chances are good that you will spend your Saturday carrying transport boxes.
Manipulators do or say certain things in order to influence your feelings in such a way that you react the way they want you to react. The manipulator usually says things in an indirect and subtle way. The underlying, unspoken message, which is what they're really telling you, is expressed between the lines, not in a clear and direct way. Manipulators don't say what they want openly. They insinuate, suggest and hint.
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How does it work?
We all have buttons that hurt when pushed and an ego that loves to be flattered. Manipulators just play on those weaknesses.
I can see two major kinds of manipulation:
The carrot method
Tthis method flatters your ego and promises to fulfill your desires. The underlying, unspoken message is "If you do X, you'll be great/cool/a good person/the result will be to your advantage/, etc." So, since you want to be great, cool, a great person and all that, you do it, without even noticing that the decision wasn't entirely yours. Ideally, the promised "reward" is something important to you. That you will get this reward isn't said clearly though, it's just suggested. Just enough for you to understand it.
The stick method
This one uses negative feelings to get you where they want to have you. The underlying, unspoken message is "If you don't do X, you'll be an egoist/lazy/a bad son/unattractive/I won't love you anymore/you'll get fired/etc." The catastrophe they are implicitly threatening you with probably will be something you are afraid of. Again, they won't threaten openly. They'll just use insinuations. But you understand them, and since you are scared of getting fired or it hurts you not to be accepted anymore, you'll do it. You'll probably think that you made this choice yourself. Maybe it will be clear to you that you did it to avoid feeling bad - but actually the bad feelings were triggered on purpose.
The carrot and the stick are often used together, either simultaneously ("You would be such a nice buddy if you helped me move, and so lazy if you didn't") or sequentially ("You'd be a hero if you repaired my kitchen sink! What, you don't want to? You loser.")
The stick method is particularly nasty, unhealthy and harmful. It takes all freedom out of the situation and leaves you only with a no-win choice: either you do what they want, or you feel bad. This is emotional blackmail. It is an abusive behavior and can lead to emotional disorders.
There are other forms of manipulation, like testing (deliberately saying or doing something just to see how the other person will respond), or pulling (deliberately saying or doing something in order to get a desired response, but without really using the stick or the carrot method). Those might be non-aligned with integrity, however they're quite harmless so I will focus more on emotional blackmail in this post.
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How do they do it?
As I said, the real message is not expressed directly. It can be camouflaged as the expression of an objective truth, a personal feeling, or a simple question. Let's say for example that your boss wants you to work overtime, and you refuse. Manipulative answers could be
"But how are we going to do without you?" (Real message: "You are letting us down, and the project might fail because of you"),
"I thought I could count on you" (Real message: "I am disappointed with you. You're not a good employee.")
"I understand... Go and have fun, we'll manage somehow! (with a sad or strained look)" (Real message: "You are an egoist.")
-> The first step to recognize manipulation is to ask yourself: what is really being said here?
Manipulation can be difficult to recognize because it happens mostly on a non-verbal level. When someone plays on your protector instinct to get your help by acting as a poor victim, for example, it's not necessarily what they say that makes you help them. It could be the body language which says "I'm such a poor victim with my bent shoulders and those large helpless eyes looking up to you... Will you be my savior?". And whoops, your ego steps in to show how great a knight you are.
-> Pay attention to body language. Ask yourself: what is being expressed non-verbally here?
A big part of the unspoken message is often expressed in very subtle ways. It might be the tone of the voice, a particular way to look at you, expressing certain feelings, or even the choice of the words that are used.
For example if you refuse to go to a family gathering, your mother could say "OK, I understand." - but with a cold look on her face. Real message: "I don't like it. You have to come." Or even "I don't love you anymore", depending on your relationship with your mother. Or she could say "OK, I understand." but with a suffering and sad face. Real message: "You're breaking your old mother's heart..." The goal here is to make you feel guilty.
-> Check whether the spoken words are congruent with the body language. If they're not, beware!
Aside from body language, what's often used by manipulators is humor. When your friend pressures you into helping him move on Saturday, he could suggest that you are lazy by simply making a joke about your spending your weekends like a couch-potato. This is very efficient and will make you feel bad - but it's very subtle since it was "just a joke", right?
-> Remember that nobody is ever really just kidding.
All these sneaky ways of communicating can make it very difficult to recognize that you are being manipulated. It happens mostly on the subconscious level. In many cases, it could all be perfectly innocent. When the manipulator plays on an issue that's very personal to you, it can even be difficult for someone else to perceive the manipulative aspect of what they say, because they don't know how it affects you. Nonetheless, the point is: they have you where they want to have you. Manipulation generally is a highly effective tactic.
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How to recognize a manipulative situation?
Manipulation is not easy to recognize. Awareness is key here. When you're communicating with someone, stay aware of what's really going on.
If you are not sure whether you are being manipulated or not, check the following:
Are you feeling bad?
If you feel bad when communicating with someone, that's a sign that something is not flowing harmoniously. It does not necessarily mean that they're trying to manipulate you. They could be genuine yet trigger some negative feelings in you. But they could also be manipulating you. If you feel bad, this could be because you're resisting their manipulation attempts on a subconscious level.
Most especially: are you feeling blackmailed? Or put under pressure in some way? Or maybe overly flattered? Or do you feel like you are being trapped somehow? Does it feel like you have no other choice but doing or tolerating something?
All these are signs that you could be manipulated.
Are they being congruent?
Does what they are saying accurately reflect what they actually mean? What is really being said? What is the underlying, unspoken message? How directly is it being expressed?
What are they expressing non-verbally? Is this in alignment with the words they use?
Translate all verbal and non-verbal signals you're getting from them into one simple sentence. Is this what they are saying out loud? If not, beware.
Now look at this translation. (How) is this person trying to influence your feelings? (How) is this person trying to control your behavior or to make you do something?
Is the underlying message a carrot or a stick? Is it meant to flatter you, or to make you feel bad in some way? Does it try to make you feel guilty, ashamed, scared or otherwise faulty? Does it blackmail you? Is it abusive in some way? Is it threatening or insulting? Is it intrusive or disrespectful of your person or boundaries? If one of those is the case, even if the person appears to be friendly, your alarm bells should ring!
What do they want?
Manipulators want something. They can want you to take a certain action, but it might also be something else, like your energy, attention or love. Is there something that this person wants from you now?
This something that they want, do you want it? If you do it, will you regret it? Would you do it out of your free will if you had a choice?
If the answer is "no", but for some strange reason you're feeling compelled to do it anyway, or feeling bad for not doing it, beware! This smells like manipulation.
If you feel that someone flatters your ego, ask yourself: what do they want in return? Sometimes people say nice things and want nothing in return at all. But sometimes this is accompanied or followed by some kind of request. If you're not sure, listen to your gut feeling. A useful question to ask yourself is: would they still find you that great if you didn't do what they want?
How do they react to anti-manipulation techniques?
Ultimately, the best way to recognize manipulation is to apply some anti-manipulation technique and observe the result. Depending on the reaction you get, it will be clear. I'll talk about anti-manipulation techniques in a separate post.
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How to spot potential manipulators?
Here are - in a very generalized way - some signs indicating that you could be dealing with a manipulator:
They don't respect your no.
Many manipulators just won't accept a no. They'll still try to convince you, win you over, intimidate or seduce you into doing it. This can be done in a very charming way, in an authoritarian way, in a teary way, in a cool way, or whatever other way. The fact remains that they are in truth not respecting your no.This should make your alarm bells ring. Always pay attention when someone refuses to hear no. Big red flag.
They don't respect your will.
Same as with a no but applicable to all kinds of other decisions as well. If someone does not accept your decisions, perk up your ears. Smelly orc in sight.
They don't respect your personal space.
This can happen on different levels: on the physical level (they come too close or they systematically imitate your posture), on the intellectual level (they either try to make you change your mind in a pushy way or adopt your every opinion as theirs), on the emotional level (they stick to you or always imitate your feelings), etc. This is no proof for manipulation but in my experience, people who disrespect other people's personal boundaries also often tend to use manipulation to get what they want.
They make you feel uncomfortable.
Manipulative people often make us feel uncomfortable "for no reason". Might seem irrational to you, but trust your intuition. Your gut knows. Your work is to listen to these feelings instead of discarding them if they're not rational.
They're not straightforward
While trying to manipulate you, of course manipulative people aren't being straightforward! That's how manipulation works. But in my experience they also tend not to be very straightforward people in a more general way. For example they could frequently repress their feelings instead of expressing them. Or when they do express themselves, this could happen in an indirect way, like saying "It's getting late" instead of "Time for you to go". There's nothing bad with being polite and subtle - just pay attention and check out if that's a recurrent pattern in this person's general communication style.
Do they make indirect suggestions instead of clearly asking for what they want? ("This box is so heavy!" instead of "Would you please help me carry this box?") Do they state their opinions in a direct way, or using allusions and hints? ("Do you want to come shopping clothes with me some day?" instead of "Your clothes look lame.") Do they express their feelings openly, or do they give you cryptic cues and expect you to get it? When you ask how they are, do they say "I'm okay" but look like they're attending a funeral, or do they say "I'm sad"?
All this in itself is no manipulation of course. It's just a sign that this person could be prone to using an over-average amount of manipulation in their communication.
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Being able to notice that someone is trying to manipulate you already helps. But sometimes it can be very difficult to deal with it anyway. We'll talk about how to defend yourself when confronted to manipulators in one of my next posts. But first I'd like to write about whether manipulators are evil or not. :-)
martes, 7 de julio de 2009
viernes, 3 de julio de 2009
Three Months Strength Training
Well, it's been three months now. April, May, June.
I admit I have been lazy. In May I lost lots of time due to my first injury. Eating cooked food also made me feel tired and lazy, so I did not train much. In June I went back to training more seriously. It helped that I went back to almost raw. I had a lot more energy.
I didn't succeed in going 100% raw. I hereby publicly admit my sugar addiction. At the moment my diet is 100% vegan and raw except for milk chocolate.
Even though I trained more seriously in June, it still wasn't that seriously. I found strength training to be a lot like playing WoW: at the beginning it's exciting, then you level up, the mobs get stronger... but actually, it's always the same. How boring.
I will continue to train despite of this motivation crisis. As a scanner it's normal for me to lose interest once I understand how something works. I still have the image of strong me in my head. I can see her. She's turning her back to me and looking over her left shoulder with a tender and slightly ironic spark in her eyes. It's as if she were waiting for me. I can also feel this sensation of having a strong and hard body, as if I already had it. It's awesome. So, I know exactly what I want. This is enough to keep pushing me forward. Maybe I'll just need to make my training less boring in some way.
My sleep is still monophasic, long (about nine hours), and late (I go to sleep in the early morning).
Here are my current weights (June 30th):
Deadlift: 42kg | on April 1st: 28kg -> progress: +50%
Clean & Jerk: 22kg | start in May: 10kg -> progress: +120%
Behind the Neck Press: 18kg | on April 1st: 10kg -> progress: +80%
Military Press: 20kg | on April 1st: 10kg -> progress: +100%
Biceps: 10kg | on April 1st: 6kg -> progress: +66%
Triceps: 6kg | on April 1st: 4kg -> progress: +50%
When I feel disappointed about the small numbers, I just look at my progress in % instead, and feel consoled. ;-)
I still swing and clean my kettlebell as well. Maybe it's time to learn some new exercise.
I was planning on posting a picture of me wearing the same clothes and in the same position as last time to show off the brand new muscles... but unfortunately there are none. At least no visible ones. Maybe next time. :-)
I admit I have been lazy. In May I lost lots of time due to my first injury. Eating cooked food also made me feel tired and lazy, so I did not train much. In June I went back to training more seriously. It helped that I went back to almost raw. I had a lot more energy.
I didn't succeed in going 100% raw. I hereby publicly admit my sugar addiction. At the moment my diet is 100% vegan and raw except for milk chocolate.
Even though I trained more seriously in June, it still wasn't that seriously. I found strength training to be a lot like playing WoW: at the beginning it's exciting, then you level up, the mobs get stronger... but actually, it's always the same. How boring.
I will continue to train despite of this motivation crisis. As a scanner it's normal for me to lose interest once I understand how something works. I still have the image of strong me in my head. I can see her. She's turning her back to me and looking over her left shoulder with a tender and slightly ironic spark in her eyes. It's as if she were waiting for me. I can also feel this sensation of having a strong and hard body, as if I already had it. It's awesome. So, I know exactly what I want. This is enough to keep pushing me forward. Maybe I'll just need to make my training less boring in some way.
My sleep is still monophasic, long (about nine hours), and late (I go to sleep in the early morning).
Here are my current weights (June 30th):
Deadlift: 42kg | on April 1st: 28kg -> progress: +50%
Clean & Jerk: 22kg | start in May: 10kg -> progress: +120%
Behind the Neck Press: 18kg | on April 1st: 10kg -> progress: +80%
Military Press: 20kg | on April 1st: 10kg -> progress: +100%
Biceps: 10kg | on April 1st: 6kg -> progress: +66%
Triceps: 6kg | on April 1st: 4kg -> progress: +50%
When I feel disappointed about the small numbers, I just look at my progress in % instead, and feel consoled. ;-)
I still swing and clean my kettlebell as well. Maybe it's time to learn some new exercise.
I was planning on posting a picture of me wearing the same clothes and in the same position as last time to show off the brand new muscles... but unfortunately there are none. At least no visible ones. Maybe next time. :-)
lunes, 29 de junio de 2009
Do you know Linux?
Linux is incredibly sexy. I love it. Here's a basic introduction for those who are not familiar with it yet.
What is Linux?
"Linux" is a generic name for lots of different computer operating systems. Those are all based on the Linux kernel. The kernel is the hard core of an operating system. The Linux kernel was originally programmed by a guy called Linus Torvalds. That's where the name "Linux" comes from.
The project grew rapidly and since then many programmers have contributed to developing both the kernel and various Linux distributions. (A Linux distribution is a complete Linux system, including lots of programs, ready to be installed on a computer.)
For example Debian, which I use, is being programmed by hundreds of volunteers all around the world! Isn't that beautiful? :-)
Some Linux versions are the collective creation of communities, like Debian or Gentoo. Others have been developed by companies, for example SuSe, RedHat, Mandriva, or Ubuntu. There are many different distributions, both commercial and non-commercial.
Why so many Linuxes?
Linux is free software. Some distributions contain or give access to pieces of non-free software, but most of the stuff, including the kernel, is free.
Free software means that everybody is free to use it, to see the source code, to modify it, to sell it or give it away to others for free, both in its original or in a modified form - basically to do whatever the heck they want with it. The only restriction is that when the software, in whatever form, is sold or given for free, the persons who buy or receive it also have the same right to get the source code and do with it whatever the heck they want.
So for example I am free to download a Linux version of minesweeper, to replace the flags with chocolate cakes, and then to sell my chocolate cake minesweeper to you for a thousand dollars. And you in turn are free to put it on your website for everybody to download it for free.
This explains why there are so many different Linux distributions. Everybody is free to make their own!
Free software is not necessarily free as in costing nothing. Most of the time this is the case though. You can download many Linux distributions and programs free of charge.
I love the concept!
What does Linux look like?
Linux desktops can look in all kinds of ways. Unlike in Windows, where there is only one possible graphical user interface, in Linux you can choose among many different window managers and desktop environments. (These are the programs that take care of all the graphical stuff.) So you have a huge choice of different looks available to you. You can even pick a different one every time you log in.
Here just a few examples:
This is what the desktop on my previous computer, Antonio, looked like.
It is a window manager called fvwm2. No menus, no panels, no icons, nothing. No mouse either. I controlled it completely over the keyboard.
This wasn't the original configuration of fvwm2 - but since all files are accessible, if you don't like something, you just change it!
Those windows you are seeing are called shells. They allow you to enter text commands instead of clicking on menus and icons. I love using shells.
This other one is very simple and elegant as well. It's called Twm. To access the menus you just click on the background. Here with a white shell, on my new computer, Protein.
There are also more complex and comfortable desktop environments, which work exactly the way Windows would. The following one is called KDE.
KDE is quite flexible. You can add fancy wallpapers, more panels at the bottom and on the sides of the desktop, icons all over the place, etc. It can look a lot like Windows, too. Look:
And this is Gnome. It's the one I'm currently using. Here too you can have lots of menus, panels, icons and all that. I personally enjoy simplicity, so I keep it clean.
If you pay attention to the panel in KDE, you'll see in both pictures this grid with numbers. 1-4 in the first one, 1-10 in the second one. The same is visible in the bottom right corner of Gnome, just without numbers. In my fvwm2 (the black screen above) they were not visible, but I had nine of them. These are virtual desktops.
Unlike in Windows, where you have to squeeze all of your programs on one desktop, in Linux there are several desktops, and you can switch between them at will. I love virtual desktops. They are so incredibly practical!
As you can see, Linux is very nice. :-)
I'd like to say a few words about its inventor, or else something would be missing.
Who is Linus Torvalds?
In the early 90's Linus Torvalds was a Finnish computer science student at the University of Helsinki. He programmed his system instead of studying. This is a great example of how going for what you truly love instead of doing what's expected can lead to huge success.
I read his biography a few years ago. If I remember well, he said he programmed the Linux kernel in his bedroom, eating junk food and skipping the classes. After Linux had become famous, the university gave him a diploma anyway. At the time the book was written, he was working in the US and earning lots of money. Since then he has quit his job though, and now works for the Linux Foundation, a non-profit organization dedicated to promoting and developing Linux.
One anecdote in the book that I remember very well is how Linus met his wife. He was giving a computer science course at university and asked his students to write him an email as an exercise. Back then this wasn't as trivial as it is today. A female student used this exercise to ask him out in her email. I remember the sentence "I married the first woman who asked me out electronically", which I found cute.
If you're interested in reading the biography, here it is: Just for Fun, the story of an accidental revolutionary. The book certainly is not earth-shattering. If you want to learn about Linus as a person, it is an easy and pleasant read.
What is Linux?
"Linux" is a generic name for lots of different computer operating systems. Those are all based on the Linux kernel. The kernel is the hard core of an operating system. The Linux kernel was originally programmed by a guy called Linus Torvalds. That's where the name "Linux" comes from.
The project grew rapidly and since then many programmers have contributed to developing both the kernel and various Linux distributions. (A Linux distribution is a complete Linux system, including lots of programs, ready to be installed on a computer.)
For example Debian, which I use, is being programmed by hundreds of volunteers all around the world! Isn't that beautiful? :-)
Some Linux versions are the collective creation of communities, like Debian or Gentoo. Others have been developed by companies, for example SuSe, RedHat, Mandriva, or Ubuntu. There are many different distributions, both commercial and non-commercial.
Why so many Linuxes?
Linux is free software. Some distributions contain or give access to pieces of non-free software, but most of the stuff, including the kernel, is free.
Free software means that everybody is free to use it, to see the source code, to modify it, to sell it or give it away to others for free, both in its original or in a modified form - basically to do whatever the heck they want with it. The only restriction is that when the software, in whatever form, is sold or given for free, the persons who buy or receive it also have the same right to get the source code and do with it whatever the heck they want.
So for example I am free to download a Linux version of minesweeper, to replace the flags with chocolate cakes, and then to sell my chocolate cake minesweeper to you for a thousand dollars. And you in turn are free to put it on your website for everybody to download it for free.
This explains why there are so many different Linux distributions. Everybody is free to make their own!
Free software is not necessarily free as in costing nothing. Most of the time this is the case though. You can download many Linux distributions and programs free of charge.
I love the concept!
What does Linux look like?
Linux desktops can look in all kinds of ways. Unlike in Windows, where there is only one possible graphical user interface, in Linux you can choose among many different window managers and desktop environments. (These are the programs that take care of all the graphical stuff.) So you have a huge choice of different looks available to you. You can even pick a different one every time you log in.
Here just a few examples:
This is what the desktop on my previous computer, Antonio, looked like.
It is a window manager called fvwm2. No menus, no panels, no icons, nothing. No mouse either. I controlled it completely over the keyboard.
This wasn't the original configuration of fvwm2 - but since all files are accessible, if you don't like something, you just change it!
Those windows you are seeing are called shells. They allow you to enter text commands instead of clicking on menus and icons. I love using shells.
This other one is very simple and elegant as well. It's called Twm. To access the menus you just click on the background. Here with a white shell, on my new computer, Protein.
There are also more complex and comfortable desktop environments, which work exactly the way Windows would. The following one is called KDE.
KDE is quite flexible. You can add fancy wallpapers, more panels at the bottom and on the sides of the desktop, icons all over the place, etc. It can look a lot like Windows, too. Look:
And this is Gnome. It's the one I'm currently using. Here too you can have lots of menus, panels, icons and all that. I personally enjoy simplicity, so I keep it clean.
If you pay attention to the panel in KDE, you'll see in both pictures this grid with numbers. 1-4 in the first one, 1-10 in the second one. The same is visible in the bottom right corner of Gnome, just without numbers. In my fvwm2 (the black screen above) they were not visible, but I had nine of them. These are virtual desktops.
Unlike in Windows, where you have to squeeze all of your programs on one desktop, in Linux there are several desktops, and you can switch between them at will. I love virtual desktops. They are so incredibly practical!
As you can see, Linux is very nice. :-)
I'd like to say a few words about its inventor, or else something would be missing.
Who is Linus Torvalds?
In the early 90's Linus Torvalds was a Finnish computer science student at the University of Helsinki. He programmed his system instead of studying. This is a great example of how going for what you truly love instead of doing what's expected can lead to huge success.
I read his biography a few years ago. If I remember well, he said he programmed the Linux kernel in his bedroom, eating junk food and skipping the classes. After Linux had become famous, the university gave him a diploma anyway. At the time the book was written, he was working in the US and earning lots of money. Since then he has quit his job though, and now works for the Linux Foundation, a non-profit organization dedicated to promoting and developing Linux.
One anecdote in the book that I remember very well is how Linus met his wife. He was giving a computer science course at university and asked his students to write him an email as an exercise. Back then this wasn't as trivial as it is today. A female student used this exercise to ask him out in her email. I remember the sentence "I married the first woman who asked me out electronically", which I found cute.
If you're interested in reading the biography, here it is: Just for Fun, the story of an accidental revolutionary. The book certainly is not earth-shattering. If you want to learn about Linus as a person, it is an easy and pleasant read.
miércoles, 24 de junio de 2009
Five Years Smoke Free!
Yay! Yesterday, June 23, was my non-smoker five years anniversary. I smoked my last cigarette on June 22, 2004, at 23:51. :-)
Quitting smoking is one of the most difficult things I ever did. I was extremely addicted to cigarettes. I remember that I had to smoke three of them first thing in the morning before I was able to do anything else. Sometimes I even smoked them while still lying in bed. I avoided places where smoking was forbidden, and even a bus ride made me anxious, because I couldn't smoke on the bus.
It took me 320 days to be over it. The two first months were uninterrupted torture. I thought it'd never stop. After that, it went up and down. I remember once sitting in a bar and crying my eyes out, because the cravings were so unbearable. At other times I was perfectly fine and barely thought of it. On day 275, I almost smoked again! On day 320 I had my last significant craving. After that, I sure got the occasional "I could smoke..." thought, but nothing serious. Now, I never think about smoking anymore.
Except on June 23, of course. :-D
What really helped me is that my friend Tom quit smoking together with me. That's how we became friends in the first place. During the first year, we checked in on each other regularly, talked about how we were doing, and congratulated each other. It helped me a lot to know that I had a partner who counted on me and that smoking again would pull him down as well. Thank you Tom. :-)
The other helping factor was rfo. Rfo is a German website called rauchfrei-online.de dedicated to helping people quit smoking ("rauchfrei" means "smoke free"). The site is great. If you happen to speak German and want to quit smoking, check it out!
On rfo there was such a nice community of people supporting each other that I felt I just had to succeed. They were so encouraging and believed in my success so much, how could I prove them wrong? Some there also admired my persistence, especially beginners and some of those who slipped up often. I knew they were looking up at me and that it would be very helpful for them to see it IS doable. Being a shining example gave me a lot of strength.
There also were a few people there who clearly did not like me. Those were even more helpful. The one time when I was sitting in the bar crying, the only reason I did not smoke was that those people would be happy if I did! :þ
I want to create something similar to rfo, but in English, for people all around the world. This site helped me so much. I believe that without rfo I would never have quit smoking. What a pity it's not available in more languages! I asked Dietmar, the creator of rfo, if he allows me to copy his site's idea and structure and to create my own version of it in English. Not only did he agree, he was even happy about it.
I already have the entire website in my head, I know exactly what I want to do. It will be a closed community. Each user will be able to write a public diary. There will be a forum and a chat, and a hall of fame, where every ten days or so, the happy non-smoker gets a loving cup. Every day, the members will get tasks to complete to keep them motivated and help them on their journey into freedom.
All this is just like rfo. The big difference between rfo and my project is the content of the tasks. Rfo is based mostly on traditional psychology, whereas my website will be an intensive personal development coaching program. Of course it will be targeted specifically at breaking the nicotine addiction, but I hope it'll be of some more general value as well.
I'm very excited about this project. As soon as I can afford to hire a programmer, I'll implement it! :-)
EDIT: Oohhhh!!! >:-( I just wanted to visit rfo to proudly claim that I am still smoke free... and saw it doesn't exist anymore! :'(
Well, now I REALLY have to implement my idea.
Quitting smoking is one of the most difficult things I ever did. I was extremely addicted to cigarettes. I remember that I had to smoke three of them first thing in the morning before I was able to do anything else. Sometimes I even smoked them while still lying in bed. I avoided places where smoking was forbidden, and even a bus ride made me anxious, because I couldn't smoke on the bus.
It took me 320 days to be over it. The two first months were uninterrupted torture. I thought it'd never stop. After that, it went up and down. I remember once sitting in a bar and crying my eyes out, because the cravings were so unbearable. At other times I was perfectly fine and barely thought of it. On day 275, I almost smoked again! On day 320 I had my last significant craving. After that, I sure got the occasional "I could smoke..." thought, but nothing serious. Now, I never think about smoking anymore.
Except on June 23, of course. :-D
What really helped me is that my friend Tom quit smoking together with me. That's how we became friends in the first place. During the first year, we checked in on each other regularly, talked about how we were doing, and congratulated each other. It helped me a lot to know that I had a partner who counted on me and that smoking again would pull him down as well. Thank you Tom. :-)
The other helping factor was rfo. Rfo is a German website called rauchfrei-online.de dedicated to helping people quit smoking ("rauchfrei" means "smoke free"). The site is great. If you happen to speak German and want to quit smoking, check it out!
On rfo there was such a nice community of people supporting each other that I felt I just had to succeed. They were so encouraging and believed in my success so much, how could I prove them wrong? Some there also admired my persistence, especially beginners and some of those who slipped up often. I knew they were looking up at me and that it would be very helpful for them to see it IS doable. Being a shining example gave me a lot of strength.
There also were a few people there who clearly did not like me. Those were even more helpful. The one time when I was sitting in the bar crying, the only reason I did not smoke was that those people would be happy if I did! :þ
I want to create something similar to rfo, but in English, for people all around the world. This site helped me so much. I believe that without rfo I would never have quit smoking. What a pity it's not available in more languages! I asked Dietmar, the creator of rfo, if he allows me to copy his site's idea and structure and to create my own version of it in English. Not only did he agree, he was even happy about it.
I already have the entire website in my head, I know exactly what I want to do. It will be a closed community. Each user will be able to write a public diary. There will be a forum and a chat, and a hall of fame, where every ten days or so, the happy non-smoker gets a loving cup. Every day, the members will get tasks to complete to keep them motivated and help them on their journey into freedom.
All this is just like rfo. The big difference between rfo and my project is the content of the tasks. Rfo is based mostly on traditional psychology, whereas my website will be an intensive personal development coaching program. Of course it will be targeted specifically at breaking the nicotine addiction, but I hope it'll be of some more general value as well.
I'm very excited about this project. As soon as I can afford to hire a programmer, I'll implement it! :-)
EDIT: Oohhhh!!! >:-( I just wanted to visit rfo to proudly claim that I am still smoke free... and saw it doesn't exist anymore! :'(
Well, now I REALLY have to implement my idea.
viernes, 19 de junio de 2009
One New Habit a Month Challenge #6: 100% Raw Vegan
This month I will be focusing on maintaining a 100% raw, vegan diet. I will do it primarily in order to boost my psychic abilities.
Today, as every month, I had a hard time choosing my new habit. I made a huge list of all the awesome habits I want to have some day, and asked my Higher Self:
- Is there a habit that I can adopt this month, that I did not list here, and that would be better aligned with all of my goals than all those listed here?
- Yes.
- Oh. Which life area does it belong to?
- Psychic development.
- Cool! I love working on my psychic development. Which habit is it?
- Eating 100% raw.
- Whaaat?!
In my eyes a raw diet belongs to health matters, not to psychic development. But it is true that my Higher Self keeps telling me to eat raw in order to improve my psychic abilities.
Some people say their diet doesn't affect their psychic abilities. But it definitely does for me. I guess there are people with various degrees of sensitivity towards foods. Some people also say that they notice no overall difference on a raw diet. For me, the difference is huge, though. It's like being sick vs. being healthy. I am particularly sensitive so I guess I really, really need to pay attention to my diet. Looks like this is not only about my health!
On June 1st I went back to 100% raw. After six days raw, I connected to my spirit guides and for the first time was able to talk with all of them. It was absolutely awesome. The communication was so clear! The experience swept me off my feet. Later I slipped up and went back to eating some cooked food. I'm still over 75% raw, but not 100%. And now, I'm not really able to connect to my guides anymore. I can, but the communication is extremely foggy and difficult. It was so frustrating that I gave up until I'm raw again.
So I can see how a raw diet does relate to my psychic development indeed. What an interesting shift in perspective!
The last time I connected to my guides, I asked
- What can I do to connect to you more easily?
- GO RAW.
It's not the first time I hear this! My Higher Self also keeps repeating this advice in a patient but DAMN PERSISTENT way. When I was eating cooked food between April 10th and May 31st, and struggling to go back to raw so much, I asked
- What can I do to make it easier for me to go back to raw?
and got the answer
- Just do it.
... which kinda annoyed me. :p
At first it did irritate me to be told to go raw this month. I know this is going to be a helluvah lot of work and take a helluvah lot of time. I'll need to entirely shift my mindset about a lot of things. I'm already very busy shifting my mindset about money, plus taking classes, working through books and audio programs, trying to blog productively, and a lot more. I was hoping to pick a "cool" habit this month, one that would not take much time, like meditating twice a day or getting up early.
Of course our spiritual resources never tell us what to do. I asked for information and got an answer. Now I can do with it whatever I want. We have free will, and I am perfectly free to say no and pick another habit. But I will listen to them.
Deep down I just know they're right. Solving the nasty diet issue once and for all now is the most obvious next step on my path. I can chicken out and ignore this truth, but it won't make it any less true, and I know it.
Plus, my goal is to grow. Picking a different habit would not be completely stupid, as they all are awesome and conducive to growth. But it wouldn't be the maximal growth I am capable of. So, let's go raw at last.
I'm looking foward to tackling this challenge!
Today, as every month, I had a hard time choosing my new habit. I made a huge list of all the awesome habits I want to have some day, and asked my Higher Self:
- Is there a habit that I can adopt this month, that I did not list here, and that would be better aligned with all of my goals than all those listed here?
- Yes.
- Oh. Which life area does it belong to?
- Psychic development.
- Cool! I love working on my psychic development. Which habit is it?
- Eating 100% raw.
- Whaaat?!
In my eyes a raw diet belongs to health matters, not to psychic development. But it is true that my Higher Self keeps telling me to eat raw in order to improve my psychic abilities.
Some people say their diet doesn't affect their psychic abilities. But it definitely does for me. I guess there are people with various degrees of sensitivity towards foods. Some people also say that they notice no overall difference on a raw diet. For me, the difference is huge, though. It's like being sick vs. being healthy. I am particularly sensitive so I guess I really, really need to pay attention to my diet. Looks like this is not only about my health!
On June 1st I went back to 100% raw. After six days raw, I connected to my spirit guides and for the first time was able to talk with all of them. It was absolutely awesome. The communication was so clear! The experience swept me off my feet. Later I slipped up and went back to eating some cooked food. I'm still over 75% raw, but not 100%. And now, I'm not really able to connect to my guides anymore. I can, but the communication is extremely foggy and difficult. It was so frustrating that I gave up until I'm raw again.
So I can see how a raw diet does relate to my psychic development indeed. What an interesting shift in perspective!
The last time I connected to my guides, I asked
- What can I do to connect to you more easily?
- GO RAW.
It's not the first time I hear this! My Higher Self also keeps repeating this advice in a patient but DAMN PERSISTENT way. When I was eating cooked food between April 10th and May 31st, and struggling to go back to raw so much, I asked
- What can I do to make it easier for me to go back to raw?
and got the answer
- Just do it.
... which kinda annoyed me. :p
At first it did irritate me to be told to go raw this month. I know this is going to be a helluvah lot of work and take a helluvah lot of time. I'll need to entirely shift my mindset about a lot of things. I'm already very busy shifting my mindset about money, plus taking classes, working through books and audio programs, trying to blog productively, and a lot more. I was hoping to pick a "cool" habit this month, one that would not take much time, like meditating twice a day or getting up early.
Of course our spiritual resources never tell us what to do. I asked for information and got an answer. Now I can do with it whatever I want. We have free will, and I am perfectly free to say no and pick another habit. But I will listen to them.
Deep down I just know they're right. Solving the nasty diet issue once and for all now is the most obvious next step on my path. I can chicken out and ignore this truth, but it won't make it any less true, and I know it.
Plus, my goal is to grow. Picking a different habit would not be completely stupid, as they all are awesome and conducive to growth. But it wouldn't be the maximal growth I am capable of. So, let's go raw at last.
I'm looking foward to tackling this challenge!
jueves, 18 de junio de 2009
New Habit #5 - Blogging every day
"Blogging every day for at least one hour" was my fifth One New Habit a Month Challenge goal. I've had a hard time with this one! The month is over, here's my report.
A new purpose - and a new face - for my blog
Check out my new theme! Isn't it wonderful? I love it.
I'm completely reorganizing the site at the moment, partly because I love change, and partly because as you may know I have decided to merge my blog with my PD Signpost website idea. This blog is not just about my own life anymore. Additionally I want to make it a personal development platform, to share personal development resources and help people solve their problems. Many changes are required to adapt the blog to its new purpose. That's why it's such a mess right now.
I chose entirely new categories and tags, wrote a couple new pages, and a few more are under construction. I also installed many new plugins, especially a series plugin. I want to be able to write series. Only the most recent posts are tagged and categorized for now. I'm far from being done! It's a lot of work.
Challenges I encountered
I've found it difficult to write every day. On some days I feel very talkative and outgoing, have a lot to share and could blog for ten hours straight. On other days, I feel the need to focus on my inner life and have a hard time squeezing any communication out of myself.
What I feel inspired to write about varies as well. It highly depends on my mood, and my mood usually changes before I'm done with one post. As a result, not many posts get published, even though I write a lot, because they're all in various states of unfinishedness.
It doesn't help that my posts tend to be very long. One of my drafts already has 10,000 words, and I wrote only about 1/5 of it. Of course not all drafts are that long. Nevertheless, it takes me hours to write them.
Right now I have 48 drafts and about 200 ideas on paper. There is so much I want to write about. Logically I should be relentlessly blogging like crazy. I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed.
I'm also stuck in analysis paralysis, permanently wondering which post to write next. Like, "To write about X, I first need a post about Y. But to explain Y, I need Z and W. But for W, I need X! Argh." I'm always trying to find the most logical order for my posts. Even when I succeed, there are several "threads" and I don't know which one to begin with. This is turning into a headache!
Will I continue?
Yes.
I just love writing on my blog so much. Doing it every day is an excellent idea. It will force allow me to come up with new solutions. I'll need to find a way to increase my productivity despite of my introversion, scanner personality, overly logical mind and perfectionism!
Sounds like a nice program.
Until now the goal simply was: daily blogging. From now on the new goal is: productive daily blogging!
A new purpose - and a new face - for my blog
Check out my new theme! Isn't it wonderful? I love it.
I'm completely reorganizing the site at the moment, partly because I love change, and partly because as you may know I have decided to merge my blog with my PD Signpost website idea. This blog is not just about my own life anymore. Additionally I want to make it a personal development platform, to share personal development resources and help people solve their problems. Many changes are required to adapt the blog to its new purpose. That's why it's such a mess right now.
I chose entirely new categories and tags, wrote a couple new pages, and a few more are under construction. I also installed many new plugins, especially a series plugin. I want to be able to write series. Only the most recent posts are tagged and categorized for now. I'm far from being done! It's a lot of work.
Challenges I encountered
I've found it difficult to write every day. On some days I feel very talkative and outgoing, have a lot to share and could blog for ten hours straight. On other days, I feel the need to focus on my inner life and have a hard time squeezing any communication out of myself.
What I feel inspired to write about varies as well. It highly depends on my mood, and my mood usually changes before I'm done with one post. As a result, not many posts get published, even though I write a lot, because they're all in various states of unfinishedness.
It doesn't help that my posts tend to be very long. One of my drafts already has 10,000 words, and I wrote only about 1/5 of it. Of course not all drafts are that long. Nevertheless, it takes me hours to write them.
Right now I have 48 drafts and about 200 ideas on paper. There is so much I want to write about. Logically I should be relentlessly blogging like crazy. I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed.
I'm also stuck in analysis paralysis, permanently wondering which post to write next. Like, "To write about X, I first need a post about Y. But to explain Y, I need Z and W. But for W, I need X! Argh." I'm always trying to find the most logical order for my posts. Even when I succeed, there are several "threads" and I don't know which one to begin with. This is turning into a headache!
Will I continue?
Yes.
I just love writing on my blog so much. Doing it every day is an excellent idea. It will force allow me to come up with new solutions. I'll need to find a way to increase my productivity despite of my introversion, scanner personality, overly logical mind and perfectionism!
Sounds like a nice program.
Until now the goal simply was: daily blogging. From now on the new goal is: productive daily blogging!
lunes, 1 de junio de 2009
Walking Barefoot
A few weeks ago I switched to walking barefoot, all the time and everywhere.
I didn't consciously decide to make it a new habit. It just happened. When I started developing my intuition, getting rid of my shoes followed as a natural consequence.
Why do I do it? I cannot really explain it. I just feel so much better when I walk barefoot! I feel safer, more grounded. I also feel wonderfully free! It makes me happy.
It did hurt a lot at first and I got a few blisters. But after some training the skin under my feet got thicker. Now there still are surfaces that I have a hard time walking on - especially hot asphalt - but it's getting easier and easier. I can even walk over small pieces of broken glass without cutting myself. In a few months I'll probably be trained enough to walk just everywhere.
Actually I have gotten used to it so much that my feet protest when I wear shoes now, even my super-comfortable walking shoes. The feet start hurting internally after a while, probably because they're not free to move in a natural way with the shoes on. It's like wearing some stiff gloves that would immobilize your hands all day long.
I didn't consciously decide to make it a new habit. It just happened. When I started developing my intuition, getting rid of my shoes followed as a natural consequence.
Why do I do it? I cannot really explain it. I just feel so much better when I walk barefoot! I feel safer, more grounded. I also feel wonderfully free! It makes me happy.
It did hurt a lot at first and I got a few blisters. But after some training the skin under my feet got thicker. Now there still are surfaces that I have a hard time walking on - especially hot asphalt - but it's getting easier and easier. I can even walk over small pieces of broken glass without cutting myself. In a few months I'll probably be trained enough to walk just everywhere.
Actually I have gotten used to it so much that my feet protest when I wear shoes now, even my super-comfortable walking shoes. The feet start hurting internally after a while, probably because they're not free to move in a natural way with the shoes on. It's like wearing some stiff gloves that would immobilize your hands all day long.
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