martes, 26 de enero de 2010

Is This Really Good Enough For You?

I'm very hard to offend, yet a few weeks ago I got totally offended. A guy said to me that he doesn't find me totally hot, but if I really wanted to, he'd have sex with me. Oh my God. I was so pissed off. I told him to go fuck himself and that I would never, ever have sex with him, and that even if not one single guy on Earth finds me sexy, I'd still not have sex with him.

Of course that was just my ego that found his comment terribly insulting. I hadn't asked for anything, to begin with! My overweight is my biggest (and actually my only) weakness. I tend to get mad as hell when a guy wants me while still finding me too fat. Oddly enough, I have no problem with a guy not finding me attractive at all.

Fortunately I talked about this fight with my spirit guides and thanks to their advice, I was able to let go of my hurt ego and make up with the guy. I dearly love him. My spirit guides are awesome.

But there's one thing that my ego was right about: I don't want to have sex with a guy who thinks I'm not totally hot. It doesn't matter how wonderful and adorable and sexy he finds me if he doesn't find me totally hot. I only want to have sex with a guy who thinks I am the sexiest Goddess on Earth. Everything else is just not good enough for me! In my experience, there is such a big difference between sex with a guy who finds me totally steamy hot, and sex with a guy who really loves me and thinks I'm absolutely wonderful, but would just prefer me thinner. The latter is soooo suboptimal.

Shortly after this episode, I was chatting with another friend of mine about how next year we both don't want to spend Christmas with the family. And he said "Hey cool! If we don't have any other plans, we could spend Christmas together." Since I still was in reactivated ego-mode, some red flags immediately jumped up and down frantically in my head. I told him I would not spend next Christmas with him. I didn't like the kinda-backup-plan-way he said that. He rectified and claimed that he'd love to spend next Christmas with me, but I just told him it was too late.

Aside from the fact that it's a lot of fun to be a bitch, my decisions make sense. When a situation feels like "not good enough", we can react with our ego, feeling insulted and acting out of pride - like I did with the first guy. That's not very wise. But we can also stay detached and simply look at the facts. And then ask ourselves: is that really what I want?

Do I really want to spend Christmas with someone who's with me because he has no better plans? In all objectivity, is that what I imagine for myself in this lifetime? Can't I dream a bit a lot bigger? This friend of mine said that is not what he meant. He really wanted to spend Christmas with me, but there might be things coming in between, he said, because it's a whole year to go. To what I replied: "if you really wanted, nothing would come in between". I'm free to want a life where others really want to be with me, so much that they do whatever is required to make it happen. Lukewarm wishes to be with me, dependent on external circumstances? Sorry, not good enough for me!

Being wise doesn't mean putting up with any crap. We are powerful, wonderful, incredibly beautiful beings. We are here to create the life we dream of. Exactly the life we dream of. Is your current reality exactly what you want?

Since those two incidents, I go around and ask myself: is this good enough for me? And that, is that good enough for me? Is this relationship exactly what I want? Is this guy exactly what I want? Is this project, this goal, this choice, exactly what I truly want deep down? It feels so good to say "Sorry, not good enough for me!" - with a smile.

What is it that you truly want deep down?

Is all this around you really good enough for you?

sábado, 23 de enero de 2010

Are you Afraid of Hurting Others when Being Spontaneous?

People sometimes ask me "But Rose! I'd love to be more spontaneous. But then, what if I offend the other person by saying something hurtful, like that they're fat or that their idea is stupid?". What an inspiring question! I had to write about that!

First off, as I said in my previous post, you are NOT responsible for other people's feelings. If they choose to feel offended or hurt, that is their choice, whether they like it or not. Nothing is "offensive" or "hurtful" in itself. They make it so by deciding what it means to them (or about them). What other people decide is none of your business. And trying to protect them from getting hurt is disrespectful towards them.

In that sense, you can be 100% honest and spontaneous and blurt out whatever pops up into your mind, without any concern about other people's egos.
Now if you're afraid that, if you really applied this, you'd hurt and offend a lot of people - then I wonder: why do you think such bad things about other people in the first place?
If you meet someone who's overweight, you can think that they're fat. But you could also notice what a nice smile they have, or how passionate they are about their work. You could also notice that they have an obvious health problem and are overweight. Still doesn't mean you have to call them "fat" in your head.
Same if someone tells you about their idea. Instead of finding it stupid, you could try to understand where they come from, how they see it, what this idea means to them and how they came up with it. Then from stupid, it becomes interesting. You don't have to do anything with this idea, therefore you also don't have to attach any value to it.
Nobody forces you to go around judging and despising people. Who says you have to figure out how "good" or "bad" all the things around you are? You don't have to engage with them if they don't resonate with you. So, you can simply perceive them, with curiosity, and let them be, the way they are, without attaching any labels or values to them.
Then you can be as spontaneous and honest as you want, people won't be offended! Especially not if you spontaneously say lots of positive things. Why would they get hurt because you love their smile, think they are very nice or do a great job?
In case this is not the kind of things you would spontaneously express, why do you focus on negative things? You're free to choose what you focus on. You can choose to notice the bad things about others, to criticize and judge them - or you can choose to see all the good and beautiful and interesting in them. The latter is way more fun anyway.
There is another reason for focusing on the positive in others: the way we treat others is usually a reflection of the way we treat ourselves. If you go around mentally insulting others, chances are good that you display this same internal violence towards yourself. I bet you also tend to focus on the negative stuff in the world and life in general. This makes you an overall negative person, one who is energetically poisonous, who is unattractive and tortures themselves with lots of negative feelings.
So basically, my answer is: if you are afraid of hurting others when being spontaneous, then love and accept yourself more. :-) Focus on the positives, see the beauty in yourself and in others, and then you can be as spontaneous as you want, you won't hurt anybody.
As for the fear itself, what is it exactly that you are afraid of? What is bad about others getting hurt? What does it mean about you, what would be the consequences for you? Would you be a bad person? Are you afraid they would reject or abandon you? That you would be alone? That they would think bad things about you? What is it?
What if what you say offends others? That's a good question really. What if?
So what?

jueves, 21 de enero de 2010

Don't Avoid Hurting Others

The flipside of being 100% responsible for your own feelings is that you are NOT responsible for other people's feelings. They are just as responsible for their own feelings as you are for yours: 100%.

You never need to worry about hurting, annoying or saddening others. If they're hurt, angry or sad, that's their problem to deal with, and none of your business.

I know you'll think I'm heartless again. :D But this really is a loving attitude. Granting others the power to be fully responsible for their own stuff allows them to be strong, and to get stronger. It shows that you see them as the powerful, responsible creators of their own feelings. It is a compliment.

The other way around, trying to protect them from getting hurt, trying to take responsibility for them, sends off the message to them "You're weak. You're not able to take it.". Is that what you want to teach those you love about themselves?

Imagine you're doing some trekking in the mountains, and carrying a backpack. Suddenly some bozo shows up and absolutely wants to help you carry your backpack. WTF. As if you weren't strong enough to carry it on your own!

Now let's assume you are not strong enough to carry it on your own. You might be thankful to this nice person for helping you. But are they really helping you, long-term? If you don't carry your backpack yourself, you will never grow the muscles that you need to carry it. In the long run, you will become dependent on always having someone carry it for you.

Some people don't believe that they're fully responsible for their feelings. They give their power away to external circumstances and let those hurt them. Or they aren't able to deal with their emotions yet. Or in that particular case, it was just too much for them. They do get hurt. Is it a solution to protect them by taking responsibility for them? No. In the long run, you're not doing them a favor. You're depriving them of the opportunity to flex their muscles and grow.

Taking responsibility for other people's feelings is not only ineffective, it's also highly disrespectful towards them. You cannot take the backpack off their back to carry it yourself entirely. Other people's feelings are still their feelings no matter what. So when you help them carry their backpack, while their backpack is still on their back, you need to get very close to them.

Too close. By doing this, you trespass their boundaries.Taking responsibility for others is a violation of their personal boundaries. It is abusive. Their feelings are their feelings and none of your business! Stay away.

Last but not least, what happens when two persons, closely entangled, carry the same backpack? They have to lean onto each other to walk, and probably stagger around awkwardly. Translate: co-dependent relationships. That's unhealthy. It is also very limiting for you and will drain your energy. And nobody really moves forward with their life.

Do you ever try to avoid hurting others? Do you think you are in any way responsible for the way they feel or could feel? Where are you carrying someone else's backpack?

The contrary of "well" is "well meant". Taking responsibility for other people's feelings is nice, but totally inappropriate. The only respectful thing to do is to let others go their own path, have their own personal space, and take care of their own shit, without interfering. Who am I to decide whether they can or cannot do it? No matter what it might look like, they do have the power. We all have the power. You're not helping them to discover theirs by acting as if they didn't have it!

I prefer someone who trusts me to be able to deal with my stuff. Even if sometimes I'm not able to, and fall on my nose and get hurt. Their trust in me might be wrong for this one time, but it shows they believe in me. And THAT pushes me to be the very best I can be. Surround yourself with people who believe in you and trust you to be able to take care of yourself, and you will end up living up to their trust. Believe in the people you love. Trust them to be able to take it, and they will. :-)

And to begin with, who are you to think your behavior can make others angry, sad or happy? You arrogant prick. Do you think you have this power? That's an illusion. You have none anyway. Their feelings depend entirely on their own choices. They don't have much to do with you - even if sometimes they would like you to believe it, especially if they're smelly orcs or manipulators. And even if sometimes you would like to believe it too, for some twisted reasons, like because it gives you the illusion of having power over them, or because you assume it would mean you're important to them.

In the end, the bottom line is that you don't have the power to determine other people's feelings. You also are not responsible for other people's feelings. They are. Don't try to avoid hurting others, it is inappropriate, disrespectful and not very helpful, neither to you nor to them.

How To Maintain Present Moment Awareness

A few cool French personal development bloggers are writing this month about "Comment vivre l'instant présent ?" (very literally, "how to live the present moment?"). They inspired me to write about present moment awareness and how to maintain it.

Present moment awareness is when you focus exclusively on what's going on right here, right now. Being present means paying attention to the now, without thinking of the past, projecting yourself into the future, analyzing what's happening or wondering what could happen instead. It's just being there. Or, it's just being.

Being present here and now is a very powerful place to be in. It gives you access, for example, to

your intuition. Psychic information cannot reach you if you're not being present. It's only available now. If you're absent, you miss out on a lot of intuitive nudges.
opportunities. We oversee so many opportunities when we're stuck in our head instead of paying attention here and now.
your spontaneity. Being spontaneous means responding immediately and genuinely to the situation you're in, now. If you're stuck in the past or the future, you're unable to let a response flow out of you, now. Being present in the now will greatly improve your ability to respond to input.
your authenticity. How can you be you if you is not even there?
fearlessness. It's impossible to be scared when you're being truly present. Without fears, it's so much easier to connect with others, to reach your goals, and to do pretty much everything you want.
relaxation. Just being in the now is so much more relaxing and less stressful than being stuck in some imaginary place in your head, all busy thinking!

So how to live in the now? How to reach - and maintain - present moment awareness? I have found three methods, or three steps, that work for me. I wonder if they will work for you!

1) Be Aware of your Body

Always keep a part of your attention on your inner body. The point is to feel your body not from the outside (its surface), but from the inside, as one vibrating energy field. And then, no matter what you're doing, always keep a part of your attention there. Eckhart Tolle talks about this in The Power of Now, which I warmly recommend anyway.

2) Ask the Magic Question

The magic question is: "What about right now?".

When I'm thinking of something that happened in the past, wondering what could happen, or even getting lost in trying to control the future, I ask myself "What about right now? Is this happening right now?". And it isn't. It might happen in two weeks, or in ten minutes, or in two seconds, or it has already happened, but right now, it's not happening.

And then I ask myself "What is happening right now, in this very moment?" and I focus on that. The past is the past, we can't change it anymore. As for the future... It always comes differently than we thought anyway. What matters is how we respond to what is here and now. That's the only thing we have control over, anyway.

When I think of something that hurts me, I ask myself "What about right now? Does this hurt me right now?". And of course it doesn't. It's only the past memory of it that hurts. Or the idea that it could happen. Memories and ideas are a construct in my head, it's not part of my reality right now. When I ask about what's going on right here, right now, and really concentrate on that, the pain immediately goes away.

When I'm scared, I ask myself "What about right now? Am I having a problem right now?". The answer is always "no". We never have a problem right now, in this very moment. When we have a problem right now, we are so busy responding to it instinctively that we don't think about it. If you're able to ask this question, you have no problem.

I discovered how powerful it is to ask this question when I was climbing. I wanted to go up a mountain. For the most part, it was just walking up. But in some places, I had to climb. It was no very difficult climbing, but I was alone, climbing without being secured in any way, with a few hundred meters of mountain flank under my feet. I'm mildly afraid of heights. At some point I looked down and thought "Holy shit. If I fall, I'm dead. And they won't even find me!". This thought totally paralyzed me. I was so scared that I kept hanging there, unable to move.

Fortunately at some point, I thought about asking myself: "OK, but right now, am I having a problem? Not in two minutes, when I fall and die. Right now. Am I having a problem?". And I found out that I had none! Both feet and both hands were firmly clinging to the rock.

So I forced myself to keep focusing all my attention only on the present moment, on my inner body, the blood rushing through my limbs, the wind in my ears, the smell of the mountain... until the panic was gone. Then I was able to move one hand up. I asked myself again "And now, am I having a problem?". Still no problem. I kept focusing all my attention on the now and, one slow move after the other, one question after the other, was able to crawl up the rock.

3) Have Eyes like Lakes

That's not only the best method I have found to stay in the now, it's also my ultimate trick to abstain from judging!

Look at an object next to you, label it, and judge it. Now think of something that scares you. Now think of what you did yesterday. If you pay attention, while you have such thoughts, you should feel some slight tension or pressure in the back of your head and neck. If you're not used to paying attention to it, it will be almost imperceptible to you. But it is there. You'll notice that you need to make a tiny effort to think.

You know the people in Japanese animes, with those eyes big like plates, that cover half their face? Now imagine you have such eyes. Don't goggle, that's not what I mean. Just imagine that you look at the things around you through such large eyes. Like a child wondering about the world. Eyes like two deep, calm lakes.

When you have such eyes, the tension in the back of your head and neck goes away. And then, it's not possible to judge anymore. It's also not possible to dwell on the past or the future.  You are being intensely present in the now. :-)

When you are in such a state, you are highly aware of what's going on, ready to respond and take action, yet infinitely relaxed at the same time. You're being. Being you.

And Now?

I hope those three methods will help you to reach and maintain a state of delicious present moment awareness. They take some practice to learn, but it's well worth it!

So... Now focus on your inner body. The blood rushing through you. The energy in every body part. The whole energy field from inside. Feel it? Keep a part of your attention there.

Now think of your eyes as two large, deep, calm lakes.

Look around you. What about right now? What's going on in this very moment?

How areyou feeling? :-)

viernes, 1 de enero de 2010

Harmonious Breakups are Possible

In 2010, Víkþórr and I will be going separate ways.

Our relationship was not aligned with my highest path and purpose, with my career and with my world saving plans. I'm ambitious, I want to make a huge difference. My mission is the most important thing in the world to me. This relationship was not compatible with it. Víkþórs energy is not aligned with the energy I want to create in my life.

For a couple months now I've had a bad gut feeling about the relationship. My spirit guides confirmed it. Not aligned. Yet I couldn't manage to leave. My rational mind saw no reason for that. I totally love him. The relationship worked great. Víkþórr is absolutely awesome and wonderful, cute, sexy, kind, and all other good things. He did nothing wrong at all. Why would I leave a guy who's just a perfect boyfriend?

In the end, my intuition won. I thought about the highest good of all. A relationship being detrimental to my own plans is one thing. But I realized that if I let it hold me back on my path, that is also bad for the whole system. That's intolerable.

A few days ago, we were talking about my persistent bad gut feeling about the relationship. I told him that I know it won't go away and that sooner or later, I'll have to leave him. So we decided to separate immediately  instead of torturing ourselves with that knowledge.

It was really difficult. Saying goodbye hurt like hell. Now I am crying my eyes out of course. But I also feel much better. He deserves better than a girl who is with him while thinking all the time that she should not be with him! I also have more energy now. I was feeling so miserable about it lately. I knew I should leave, but didn't have the balls to leave. Being incongruent feels really bad to me. Now I have this energy back.

It was a very successful breakup, even though we both were very sad. No anger, no reproaches. No clinging, either. He said he loves me enough to let me go, which I found very beautiful. We told each other that we love each other and that we are wonderful, amazing and awesome. Our connection and trust are still there. I'm so thankful to him for the great year we had together. Going this portion of my path hand in hand with him was an honor and a delight.

Harmonious, peaceful breakups are possible. :-)