jueves, 21 de enero de 2010

Don't Avoid Hurting Others

The flipside of being 100% responsible for your own feelings is that you are NOT responsible for other people's feelings. They are just as responsible for their own feelings as you are for yours: 100%.

You never need to worry about hurting, annoying or saddening others. If they're hurt, angry or sad, that's their problem to deal with, and none of your business.
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I know you'll think I'm heartless again. :D But this really is a loving attitude. Granting others the power to be fully responsible for their own stuff allows them to be strong, and to get stronger. It shows that you see them as the powerful, responsible creators of their own feelings. It is a compliment.

The other way around, trying to protect them from getting hurt, trying to take responsibility for them, sends off the message to them "You're weak. You're not able to take it.". Is that what you want to teach those you love about themselves?
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Imagine you're doing some trekking in the mountains, and carrying a backpack. Suddenly some bozo shows up and absolutely wants to help you carry your backpack. WTF. As if you weren't strong enough to carry it on your own!

Now let's assume you are not strong enough to carry it on your own. You might be thankful to this nice person for helping you. But are they really helping you, long-term? If you don't carry your backpack yourself, you will never grow the muscles that you need to carry it. In the long run, you will become dependent on always having someone carry it for you.

Some people don't believe that they're fully responsible for their feelings. They give their power away to external circumstances and let those hurt them. Or they aren't able to deal with their emotions yet. Or in that particular case, it was just too much for them. They do get hurt. Is it a solution to protect them by taking responsibility for them? No. In the long run, you're not doing them a favor. You're depriving them of the opportunity to flex their muscles and grow.
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Taking responsibility for other people's feelings is not only ineffective, it's also highly disrespectful towards them. You cannot take the backpack off their back to carry it yourself entirely. Other people's feelings are still their feelings no matter what. So when you help them carry their backpack, while their backpack is still on their back, you need to get very close to them.

Too close. By doing this, you trespass their boundaries.Taking responsibility for others is a violation of their personal boundaries. It is abusive. Their feelings are their feelings and none of your business! Stay away.
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Last but not least, what happens when two persons, closely entangled, carry the same backpack? They have to lean onto each other to walk, and probably stagger around awkwardly. Translate: co-dependent relationships. That's unhealthy. It is also very limiting for you and will drain your energy. And nobody really moves forward with their life.
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Do you ever try to avoid hurting others? Do you think you are in any way responsible for the way they feel or could feel? Where are you carrying someone else's backpack?
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The contrary of "well" is "well meant". Taking responsibility for other people's feelings is nice, but totally inappropriate. The only respectful thing to do is to let others go their own path, have their own personal space, and take care of their own shit, without interfering. Who am I to decide whether they can or cannot do it? No matter what it might look like, they do have the power. We all have the power. You're not helping them to discover theirs by acting as if they didn't have it!

I prefer someone who trusts me to be able to deal with my stuff. Even if sometimes I'm not able to, and fall on my nose and get hurt. Their trust in me might be wrong for this one time, but it shows they believe in me. And THAT pushes me to be the very best I can be. Surround yourself with people who believe in you and trust you to be able to take care of yourself, and you will end up living up to their trust. Believe in the people you love. Trust them to be able to take it, and they will. :-)
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And to begin with, who are you to think your behavior can make others angry, sad or happy? You arrogant prick. Do you think you have this power? That's an illusion. You have none anyway. Their feelings depend entirely on their own choices. They don't have much to do with you - even if sometimes they would like you to believe it, especially if they're smelly orcs or manipulators. And even if sometimes you would like to believe it too, for some twisted reasons, like because it gives you the illusion of having power over them, or because you assume it would mean you're important to them.
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In the end, the bottom line is that you don't have the power to determine other people's feelings. You also are not responsible for other people's feelings. They are. Don't try to avoid hurting others, it is inappropriate, disrespectful and not very helpful, neither to you nor to them.

3 comentarios:

  1. Víkþórr Veggiss Berurjóðr22 de enero de 2010, 15:24

    You're right, I guess. Just because somebody isn't consciously taking their responsibility, that doesn't mean I have to take it, right?

    I have to take Examen Philosophicum this year. Plato, Aristotle, and those guys… It's strange how philosophy suddenly becomes fun with you. :)

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  2. Víkþórr, Alban, thank you. :)

    I hadn't thought of the courage part. Thanks for pointing that out. :)

    In my experience when I myself am perfectly accepting of my decision, feeling, etc., and at peace with it, then the other person tends to react very well. When others react badly, I know I am in some way in disagreement with myself. I guess that's because when we are perfectly at peace with ourselves, we radiate so much natural authority and harmony that everything gets easy for everybody. :-)

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  3. What a powerful attitude.

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