sábado, 23 de enero de 2010

Are you Afraid of Hurting Others when Being Spontaneous?

People sometimes ask me "But Rose! I'd love to be more spontaneous. But then, what if I offend the other person by saying something hurtful, like that they're fat or that their idea is stupid?". What an inspiring question! I had to write about that!
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First off, as I said in my previous post, you are NOT responsible for other people's feelings. If they choose to feel offended or hurt, that is their choice, whether they like it or not. Nothing is "offensive" or "hurtful" in itself. They make it so by deciding what it means to them (or about them). What other people decide is none of your business. And trying to protect them from getting hurt is disrespectful towards them.

In that sense, you can be 100% honest and spontaneous and blurt out whatever pops up into your mind, without any concern about other people's egos.
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Now if you're afraid that, if you really applied this, you'd hurt and offend a lot of people - then I wonder: why do you think such bad things about other people in the first place?
If you meet someone who's overweight, you can think that they're fat. But you could also notice what a nice smile they have, or how passionate they are about their work. You could also notice that they have an obvious health problem and are overweight. Still doesn't mean you have to call them "fat" in your head.
Same if someone tells you about their idea. Instead of finding it stupid, you could try to understand where they come from, how they see it, what this idea means to them and how they came up with it. Then from stupid, it becomes interesting. You don't have to do anything with this idea, therefore you also don't have to attach any value to it.
Nobody forces you to go around judging and despising people. Who says you have to figure out how "good" or "bad" all the things around you are? You don't have to engage with them if they don't resonate with you. So, you can simply perceive them, with curiosity, and let them be, the way they are, without attaching any labels or values to them.
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Then you can be as spontaneous and honest as you want, people won't be offended! Especially not if you spontaneously say lots of positive things. Why would they get hurt because you love their smile, think they are very nice or do a great job?
In case this is not the kind of things you would spontaneously express, why do you focus on negative things? You're free to choose what you focus on. You can choose to notice the bad things about others, to criticize and judge them - or you can choose to see all the good and beautiful and interesting in them. The latter is way more fun anyway.
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There is another reason for focusing on the positive in others: the way we treat others is usually a reflection of the way we treat ourselves. If you go around mentally insulting others, chances are good that you display this same internal violence towards yourself. I bet you also tend to focus on the negative stuff in the world and life in general. This makes you an overall negative person, one who is energetically poisonous, who is unattractive and tortures themselves with lots of negative feelings.
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So basically, my answer is: if you are afraid of hurting others when being spontaneous, then love and accept yourself more. :-) Focus on the positives, see the beauty in yourself and in others, and then you can be as spontaneous as you want, you won't hurt anybody.
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As for the fear itself, what is it exactly that you are afraid of? What is bad about others getting hurt? What does it mean about you, what would be the consequences for you? Would you be a bad person? Are you afraid they would reject or abandon you? That you would be alone? That they would think bad things about you? What is it?
What if what you say offends others? That's a good question really. What if?
So what?

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