I had the most important spiritual experience of my life so far at some point between the age of one and four. I'd like to share the story with you.
That day, I was outside, surrounded with very high grass. I found an enormous white stone, quite flat. Many little red points were moving around on it. I found it very amusing to watch them. Out of curiosity, I pushed one of those little points with my finger. It stopped moving. Oh! I tried the same on other red points, and they all stopped moving. That was fun! I used the little red points to draw some nice geometrical shapes on the stone. I just watched them closely, my finger above them, and when one of them was in the right place, I pressed it.
Suddenly, something very strange happened. I felt smaller and smaller. It was like shrinking to the size of a dust particle. I felt so extremely tiny, a microscopical part of a colossal, dark, impressive Universe. At the same time I grew bigger and bigger and expanded to an enormous size. I was as huge as the Universe itself! Even vaster, as I was containing it entirely. It was even more than that - I was the Universe. I could intensively feel the whole world as being me.
It was an amazing feeling that I never forgot. Being simultaneously so minuscule and so gigantic, such a small part of the Universe and the Universe itself, blew my mind. I had such an encompassing awareness of everything that is. I've never felt so much Power and Peace at the same time.
And then I understood that those little red points on the stone were tiny red spiders, living beings, and that I had been killing them. I suddenly got a sense for what Death is, not only an idea, but a very concrete feeling for it. I also understood that I did not have the right to play with their lives the way I had been doing it.
What happened that day shook me to the core. It was the most impressive experience I ever had so far. I still remember this feeling very well, it played an important role later in my life. For instance in developing my social skills. More about this in my next post!
lunes, 12 de enero de 2009
jueves, 8 de enero de 2009
How a kitchen timer saved me
Do you know this feeling that you have so much to do that you cannot afford the time to do anything?
I am often nervous because there's so much I want to do. I have so many goals and projects! So many great things to achieve! This makes me quite nervous.
I still work with my paper scrap system. I totally love it! It's a great method to organize myself and to decide what to do next. However, this alone doesn't solve all problems.
Whenever I do something, I tend to think "I have no time for this now, there's so much to do, I have no time...". This nervousness prevents me from fully concentrating on my task at hand. I don't really pay close attention to what I'm doing here and now, because subconsciously I'm thinking about all the other things I want to do and about how I have no time. The scraps of paper tell me what to do, but they're not able to make me calm down enough to actually do it properly.
This of course leads to poor productivity. And poor productivity leads to making the problem even worse: I end up with even more things to do in a shorter time. What a pain in the ass. It's frustrating and even leads to insomnia.
But not anymore! I found the solution: a kitchen timer.
There are two ways I use it:
When I want to do something that will yield a specific result and can be done in a short time, like doing the dishes, I give myself x minutes, set my timer, and try to complete the task within that time frame. The deadline is the timer ringing.
When I want to work on a bigger project, like writing my eBook, or when I want to do something with no particular outcome, like meditating, I give myself x minutes, set my timer, and focus on this activity for x minutes. This is called timeboxing in personal management.
Using a timer has great advantages. The biggest one, for me, is that it allows me to calm down.
I have a bad sense for time. I often completely lose track of time. Sometimes I start doing something and don't notice that I spend hours on it. I even miss appointments because of that. I usually never know how long I've been doing something, or how long I will need to do something, or what time it is. Btw, this seems to be a common trait in cyclical scanners.
Because of this, starting anything makes me nervous because I don't know how much time I will end up spending on it. In the background of my mind, I'll be nervous and permanently ask myself what time it is or how much time I have left. Wearing a watch or having an alarm clock in front of me doesn't help: I'll just end up checking the time every thirty seconds, unable to concentrate.
A timer changes everything. When I know the timer is there and will let me know when my time limit is reached, I'm able to truly relax. It doesn't stress me out: unless it's ringing, it's silent. I don't need to look at it, I don't need to mentally keep track of the elapsed time, I don't need to ask myself what time it is now, I don't need to take care not to forget anything. I am free to focus completely on what I'm doing!
The timer creates a safe space for me to play. It gives me permission to completely let go and get lost in my ideas, knowing very well that something will bring me back into reality when I need to.
This is especially great when I'm meditating. Meditating has always been very difficult for me, because subconsciously I always tried not to lose myself in complete timelessness. But that's exactly what's great about meditating: the timelessness. Now I'm able to enjoy it, knowing that the timer is there to call me back.
The timer is very reassuring. It's a great guardrail.
It's also reassuring to know it will only be x minutes. Even when I have plenty of things to do, investing x minutes for one of those is not a catastrophe. I know it won't be more than that, and that there will be enough time left for the other things as well. This too has a calming effect on me. It gives me permission to fully concentrate on this one task without worrying about getting all others done as well.
When the task I'm working on is boring, it is particularly reassuring to know it will only be x minutes. ;-)
When I use the timer as a deadline, trying to complete something in less than x minutes makes it more challenging, more exciting, more interesting than just doing it within no particular time frame. Doing the dishes is trivial. But "Will I manage to do the dishes in less then three minutes?" is a lot more fun. :-D
I'm in love with my timer! I take it everywhere with me. It's such a relief for me to have it. I even use it when I don't need it at all. For example to read a chapter of a book or to journal my three daily pages. I know these are tasks that don't take long and I really don't need to set a timer for that. But I feel better when I do. It just gives me such a wonderful sense of security and freedom. :-)
I am often nervous because there's so much I want to do. I have so many goals and projects! So many great things to achieve! This makes me quite nervous.
I still work with my paper scrap system. I totally love it! It's a great method to organize myself and to decide what to do next. However, this alone doesn't solve all problems.
Whenever I do something, I tend to think "I have no time for this now, there's so much to do, I have no time...". This nervousness prevents me from fully concentrating on my task at hand. I don't really pay close attention to what I'm doing here and now, because subconsciously I'm thinking about all the other things I want to do and about how I have no time. The scraps of paper tell me what to do, but they're not able to make me calm down enough to actually do it properly.
This of course leads to poor productivity. And poor productivity leads to making the problem even worse: I end up with even more things to do in a shorter time. What a pain in the ass. It's frustrating and even leads to insomnia.
But not anymore! I found the solution: a kitchen timer.
There are two ways I use it:
When I want to do something that will yield a specific result and can be done in a short time, like doing the dishes, I give myself x minutes, set my timer, and try to complete the task within that time frame. The deadline is the timer ringing.
When I want to work on a bigger project, like writing my eBook, or when I want to do something with no particular outcome, like meditating, I give myself x minutes, set my timer, and focus on this activity for x minutes. This is called timeboxing in personal management.
Using a timer has great advantages. The biggest one, for me, is that it allows me to calm down.
I have a bad sense for time. I often completely lose track of time. Sometimes I start doing something and don't notice that I spend hours on it. I even miss appointments because of that. I usually never know how long I've been doing something, or how long I will need to do something, or what time it is. Btw, this seems to be a common trait in cyclical scanners.
Because of this, starting anything makes me nervous because I don't know how much time I will end up spending on it. In the background of my mind, I'll be nervous and permanently ask myself what time it is or how much time I have left. Wearing a watch or having an alarm clock in front of me doesn't help: I'll just end up checking the time every thirty seconds, unable to concentrate.
A timer changes everything. When I know the timer is there and will let me know when my time limit is reached, I'm able to truly relax. It doesn't stress me out: unless it's ringing, it's silent. I don't need to look at it, I don't need to mentally keep track of the elapsed time, I don't need to ask myself what time it is now, I don't need to take care not to forget anything. I am free to focus completely on what I'm doing!
The timer creates a safe space for me to play. It gives me permission to completely let go and get lost in my ideas, knowing very well that something will bring me back into reality when I need to.
This is especially great when I'm meditating. Meditating has always been very difficult for me, because subconsciously I always tried not to lose myself in complete timelessness. But that's exactly what's great about meditating: the timelessness. Now I'm able to enjoy it, knowing that the timer is there to call me back.
The timer is very reassuring. It's a great guardrail.
It's also reassuring to know it will only be x minutes. Even when I have plenty of things to do, investing x minutes for one of those is not a catastrophe. I know it won't be more than that, and that there will be enough time left for the other things as well. This too has a calming effect on me. It gives me permission to fully concentrate on this one task without worrying about getting all others done as well.
When the task I'm working on is boring, it is particularly reassuring to know it will only be x minutes. ;-)
When I use the timer as a deadline, trying to complete something in less than x minutes makes it more challenging, more exciting, more interesting than just doing it within no particular time frame. Doing the dishes is trivial. But "Will I manage to do the dishes in less then three minutes?" is a lot more fun. :-D
I'm in love with my timer! I take it everywhere with me. It's such a relief for me to have it. I even use it when I don't need it at all. For example to read a chapter of a book or to journal my three daily pages. I know these are tasks that don't take long and I really don't need to set a timer for that. But I feel better when I do. It just gives me such a wonderful sense of security and freedom. :-)
lunes, 1 de diciembre de 2008
Do You Love Killers?
Hi all,
I was asked a couple wonderful questions! In my previous post I wrote that for me, there are no strangers, because I believe that we are all one Consciousness, and all permanently connected with each other.
Question: When you have the belief that "Everyone is my friend, there are no strangers", what about people you don't like?
My take on this:
There are people I don't like. When I'm being honest, I realize it has nothing to do with them, and everything to do with me. I don't like them
because I'm judging them or part of them in some way
or because I see in them something I don't like about myself (again, because I'm judging myself or part of myself for that)
or because I'm scared of them in some way (and this too is a consequence of judging either them or the situation)
Basically, it's always about judging, them or myself, with or without fear as a consequence.
My answer to this is present moment awareness. When I'm judging, it means I'm not being present. When you're being present, you cannot possibly judge. To judge, you need to label things. You need to give them a name, a value, a "good" or "bad" tag, to think of consequences they might have in the future or in the past, and so on. It's impossible to do this when you're being totally focused on here and now.
Therefore, a high present moment awareness means no judging, and no judging means I can't dislike anyone, because I dislike people on the basis of some judgment. So when I notice that I don't like someone, putting myself immediately back into a state of presence solves the problem.
What also helps is to ask myself what it is exactly that disturbs me about the person I don't like. If it's fear, I face that fear and shine Love on it. If I'm judging them or seeing in them something that I judge myself for, I practice Acceptance. I remind myself of the fact that there is no right and wrong, that all choices are valid and that everything is perfect the way it is.
I also work on loving all that is unconditionally. Since we are all One, all manifestations of one Consciousness, those I don't like are aspects of this Consciousness: parts of myself. It doesn't make sense to hate some parts of myself and to reject them because they're not as I want them to be. This would only create disharmony, separation and fear, and harm the whole system.
Instead, I practice loving all of myself unconditionally, both internally and externally as other people and the world around me. I especially send Love to those I don't like. I think accepting and loving them instead of resisting them has a healing effect, on me, on them, on the world.
I see not liking someone as disconnecting. When I'm being fully present and connected, I love everybody. My goal is to make this my permanent way of being. I'm not there yet but on my way. I'm convinced that if everybody were fully present and connected all the time, there would be no such thing on this planet as not liking someone.
Question: What about people you've met and decided you don't want to associate with them for one reason or another? Do you still feel they are your friend, or does that belief "Every stranger is my friend" holds true until you've gotten to know the stranger and decided that stranger is not someone you want to be friends with?
My take on this:
It happens that I decide, for some reason, not to associate or not to spend much time with someone. However, this doesn't mean I don't love them. Loving someone does not mean that I have to spend a lot of time with them, it does not even mean that I have to communicate with them at all.
There are people I love dearly, but have decided not to meet again. There are people who have chosen to leave my life. There are people I'm simply not interested in spending time with for some reason. I love all of those people though and feel one with them. I send Love to them. Just because we can't be together in this lifetime doesn't mean I have to disconnect from them! Why on earth would I??
Choosing not to associate with someone is no personal attack, it's no rejection either. It's a time-management choice. You can make this choice from a place of Love and still feel loving and connected towards those you don't spend time with.
Question: Even with killers and toxic people?
My take on this:
Toxic people are never toxic because of what they are, they're toxic because of what you are. Only what resonates with you on some level can affect you. So if someone influences you negatively, drains your energy, makes you feel bad, etc, then their "toxic" part resonates with something inside of you in some way. If one person's toxicity totally does not resonate with you, you won't be affected by it. When you become so strong that you don't resonate with some person's toxicity, then this person is not toxic to you anymore. No matter how negative she is, it won't affect you.
Which means that toxic persons are wonderful opportunities to grow. Solution: check what, inside of you, resonates with this person's negativity and work on yourself. If you don't feel strong enough to spend time with this person while simulatneously trying to change yourself, because contact with this person would reinforce the part of you that resonates with their toxicity, then you can of course choose to temporarily not associate with them. But that's not a reason to disconnect.
Same with killers. If you think it's better for your personal security not to meet a sadistic serial killer in person, don't. As I said above, loving someone does not mean you have to spend time with them. I can see no reason to disconnect though. Protecting yourself does not require that you reject others and disconnect from them.
There's a big difference between disconnecting from someone, saying "You are someone else. I don't love you, you're not my friend, go away", which is turning your back to Love and negating that we are all one, thus fragmenting yourself - and simply choosing not to concretely spend time with someone, while still loving them and feeling deeply connected with them.
Everybody is lovable, no matter what they do. There's absolutely no reason not to love everybody. Why would you turn your back on a part of the Universe and disconnect from it?
One reason I can see is judgment. You see "them" as separate from "you" and want to punish them for doing something you think is "bad" or "wrong", like killing or draining you. That's your mind judging them. When you're being present, such a thing doesn't happen.
That's how I see it. What do you think? :-)
I was asked a couple wonderful questions! In my previous post I wrote that for me, there are no strangers, because I believe that we are all one Consciousness, and all permanently connected with each other.
Question: When you have the belief that "Everyone is my friend, there are no strangers", what about people you don't like?
My take on this:
There are people I don't like. When I'm being honest, I realize it has nothing to do with them, and everything to do with me. I don't like them
because I'm judging them or part of them in some way
or because I see in them something I don't like about myself (again, because I'm judging myself or part of myself for that)
or because I'm scared of them in some way (and this too is a consequence of judging either them or the situation)
Basically, it's always about judging, them or myself, with or without fear as a consequence.
My answer to this is present moment awareness. When I'm judging, it means I'm not being present. When you're being present, you cannot possibly judge. To judge, you need to label things. You need to give them a name, a value, a "good" or "bad" tag, to think of consequences they might have in the future or in the past, and so on. It's impossible to do this when you're being totally focused on here and now.
Therefore, a high present moment awareness means no judging, and no judging means I can't dislike anyone, because I dislike people on the basis of some judgment. So when I notice that I don't like someone, putting myself immediately back into a state of presence solves the problem.
What also helps is to ask myself what it is exactly that disturbs me about the person I don't like. If it's fear, I face that fear and shine Love on it. If I'm judging them or seeing in them something that I judge myself for, I practice Acceptance. I remind myself of the fact that there is no right and wrong, that all choices are valid and that everything is perfect the way it is.
I also work on loving all that is unconditionally. Since we are all One, all manifestations of one Consciousness, those I don't like are aspects of this Consciousness: parts of myself. It doesn't make sense to hate some parts of myself and to reject them because they're not as I want them to be. This would only create disharmony, separation and fear, and harm the whole system.
Instead, I practice loving all of myself unconditionally, both internally and externally as other people and the world around me. I especially send Love to those I don't like. I think accepting and loving them instead of resisting them has a healing effect, on me, on them, on the world.
I see not liking someone as disconnecting. When I'm being fully present and connected, I love everybody. My goal is to make this my permanent way of being. I'm not there yet but on my way. I'm convinced that if everybody were fully present and connected all the time, there would be no such thing on this planet as not liking someone.
Question: What about people you've met and decided you don't want to associate with them for one reason or another? Do you still feel they are your friend, or does that belief "Every stranger is my friend" holds true until you've gotten to know the stranger and decided that stranger is not someone you want to be friends with?
My take on this:
It happens that I decide, for some reason, not to associate or not to spend much time with someone. However, this doesn't mean I don't love them. Loving someone does not mean that I have to spend a lot of time with them, it does not even mean that I have to communicate with them at all.
There are people I love dearly, but have decided not to meet again. There are people who have chosen to leave my life. There are people I'm simply not interested in spending time with for some reason. I love all of those people though and feel one with them. I send Love to them. Just because we can't be together in this lifetime doesn't mean I have to disconnect from them! Why on earth would I??
Choosing not to associate with someone is no personal attack, it's no rejection either. It's a time-management choice. You can make this choice from a place of Love and still feel loving and connected towards those you don't spend time with.
Question: Even with killers and toxic people?
My take on this:
Toxic people are never toxic because of what they are, they're toxic because of what you are. Only what resonates with you on some level can affect you. So if someone influences you negatively, drains your energy, makes you feel bad, etc, then their "toxic" part resonates with something inside of you in some way. If one person's toxicity totally does not resonate with you, you won't be affected by it. When you become so strong that you don't resonate with some person's toxicity, then this person is not toxic to you anymore. No matter how negative she is, it won't affect you.
Which means that toxic persons are wonderful opportunities to grow. Solution: check what, inside of you, resonates with this person's negativity and work on yourself. If you don't feel strong enough to spend time with this person while simulatneously trying to change yourself, because contact with this person would reinforce the part of you that resonates with their toxicity, then you can of course choose to temporarily not associate with them. But that's not a reason to disconnect.
Same with killers. If you think it's better for your personal security not to meet a sadistic serial killer in person, don't. As I said above, loving someone does not mean you have to spend time with them. I can see no reason to disconnect though. Protecting yourself does not require that you reject others and disconnect from them.
There's a big difference between disconnecting from someone, saying "You are someone else. I don't love you, you're not my friend, go away", which is turning your back to Love and negating that we are all one, thus fragmenting yourself - and simply choosing not to concretely spend time with someone, while still loving them and feeling deeply connected with them.
Everybody is lovable, no matter what they do. There's absolutely no reason not to love everybody. Why would you turn your back on a part of the Universe and disconnect from it?
One reason I can see is judgment. You see "them" as separate from "you" and want to punish them for doing something you think is "bad" or "wrong", like killing or draining you. That's your mind judging them. When you're being present, such a thing doesn't happen.
That's how I see it. What do you think? :-)
jueves, 27 de noviembre de 2008
How to Connect with Strangers
(This post is the how-to part of Chit-Chat with Strangers.)
For me, talking to strangers is very easy impossible. There are no strangers!
I believe that we are all manifestations of one Consciousness. All others are me too, just in another form, and I’m everybody. I feel one with everything that is, all other humans, animals, plants, inanimate objects, etc.
I also believe that we all permanently communicate with each other. We are one huge network, constantly exchanging information.
This way, you don’t need to connect in the first place: you are already connected, and have always been. We’ve known each other forever. Talking to a “stranger” for me is just recognizing them and acknowledging the bond which already exists between us.
That’s why I behave as if I already knew the people I talk to. Duh, I do! They’re old friends. I just hadn’t met them yet in this life. Time to catch up!
It’s all a matter of mindset
The beliefs I described above allow me to connect with others very fast and easily. It just happens naturally without me trying to do it intentionally. I don’t need to go out of my way for that.
I’m convinced that social skills are a matter of attitude. If you have a hard time connecting, you probably have some blocking beliefs about yourself, other people, social situations, or your own social skills. If you could get rid of them, I’m sure you would be able to connect with strangers as easily as I do. It would just become natural for you to do so.
Here is the description of one possible mindset (incidentally, mine) that yields good results in social situations.
How to do it concretely?
Okay, what to do to connect with a stranger? Connecting is paying attention. Where your attention goes, there goes your energy as well. Therefore, focus your energy on this person.
Look into their eyes. Many people are so afraid of others that they’re too embarrassed to allow eye contact. If you want to connect, you have to be open for connection, and that means eye contact. Looking away is hiding away.
I’m not telling you to stare at someone with a crazy or aggressive glance. Just allow friendly eye contact, you can look away once the person has seen and acknowledged you. When they look back at you, smile, but only if you spontaneously feel like smiling. A fake smile is a turn-off.
And then it’s simple really. If you don’t know what to say, don’t say anything. You don’t need to talk. When you’re being open, others feel it. If they’re being open too, and in the mood for communication, they’ll probably start talking to you on their own.
If you feel like saying something (like “hi”), then just say it. No matter what it is. You need no caution or shared interest. Feel free to talk about stupid or crazy or trivial things, it doesn't matter. I'm very spontaneous, so sometimes I say really strange things to people! But you won't believe it, they like it. Once I saw a guy in a CD shop. The next day I came back, and he was there again. I was so surprised that I stared at him and vigorously exclaimed "You again! What are you doing here?!" To what he replied "And what are you doing here?!". We both laughed, the ice was broken.
Some people tend to be way too attached to figuring out which words to use. But the energy you're sending off in that moment is way more important than the content of what you're saying. If you're attached to making a specific impression, you're likely to be self-conscious and to send off a stressed out and unpleasant vibe. If you're feeling self-confident, connected and loving towards this person, they will feel it no matter what you say - and that's what they will get.
And feeling self-confident, connected and loving is a matter of mindset...
Being present is key
I’m not fond of watching one’s body language or using lines, tricks and strategies to socialize. When you focus on what you should say or where to put your hands, you’re not being present in the moment. And that’s not what you want. You can’t connect if you’re not being present. When you’re not being present, you’re not really here. And if you’re not here, how could you meet this person here?
Present moment awareness means focusing on here and now. Don’t think of anything else than what’s happening right now. Don’t try to impress or to analyze, don’t think about what could happen next, or what happened before. Just be here with this person. Be open, listen. Observe your reactions without trying to control them. Let what happens happen. :-)
What I've found to be very useful is to always keep a part of my attention in my inner body. The inner body is what you feel when you focus on your body from the inside. Can you feel the inside of your body as one energetic field? If you can’t, practice feeling it, it’s a great sensation!
To learn more about being present and feeling your inner body, read The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. He’s the great present moment awareness specialist.
Assault old ladies!
If you want to get better at connecting with people, you need to practice. My advice is not to practice with people in your sexual or romantic target group. This would make it much more difficult. The possibility that they interpret your approach as hitting on them could block you, even if it's not at all the case, and even more so if it is the case. ;-) So, avoid that at first. Practice with other people, you'll feel safer.
The ideal targets (hehehe) are old ladies, in my experience they're always happy to get some attention and to have a nice chat. Usually they're also very friendly. Also people the age of your parents, or much younger people.
Little kids and babies are great connectors. It's very easy to connect with a baby, much easier than with an adult. They haven't all the fearful social conditioning to block them. They're curious and spontaneously offer you toothless smiles and wave you goodbye with their little hands.
They can't speak, but it doesn't matter. Remember it's more about the mindset and the energy than about the words. It's about opening up, staying present, and allowing emotions to flow out of you. You'll feel genuine connection even without words.
So, and now go out and talk to people! :-) Good luck!
(Edit: there's a follow-up to this post here.)
For me, talking to strangers is very easy impossible. There are no strangers!
I believe that we are all manifestations of one Consciousness. All others are me too, just in another form, and I’m everybody. I feel one with everything that is, all other humans, animals, plants, inanimate objects, etc.
I also believe that we all permanently communicate with each other. We are one huge network, constantly exchanging information.
This way, you don’t need to connect in the first place: you are already connected, and have always been. We’ve known each other forever. Talking to a “stranger” for me is just recognizing them and acknowledging the bond which already exists between us.
That’s why I behave as if I already knew the people I talk to. Duh, I do! They’re old friends. I just hadn’t met them yet in this life. Time to catch up!
It’s all a matter of mindset
The beliefs I described above allow me to connect with others very fast and easily. It just happens naturally without me trying to do it intentionally. I don’t need to go out of my way for that.
I’m convinced that social skills are a matter of attitude. If you have a hard time connecting, you probably have some blocking beliefs about yourself, other people, social situations, or your own social skills. If you could get rid of them, I’m sure you would be able to connect with strangers as easily as I do. It would just become natural for you to do so.
Here is the description of one possible mindset (incidentally, mine) that yields good results in social situations.
How to do it concretely?
Okay, what to do to connect with a stranger? Connecting is paying attention. Where your attention goes, there goes your energy as well. Therefore, focus your energy on this person.
Look into their eyes. Many people are so afraid of others that they’re too embarrassed to allow eye contact. If you want to connect, you have to be open for connection, and that means eye contact. Looking away is hiding away.
I’m not telling you to stare at someone with a crazy or aggressive glance. Just allow friendly eye contact, you can look away once the person has seen and acknowledged you. When they look back at you, smile, but only if you spontaneously feel like smiling. A fake smile is a turn-off.
And then it’s simple really. If you don’t know what to say, don’t say anything. You don’t need to talk. When you’re being open, others feel it. If they’re being open too, and in the mood for communication, they’ll probably start talking to you on their own.
If you feel like saying something (like “hi”), then just say it. No matter what it is. You need no caution or shared interest. Feel free to talk about stupid or crazy or trivial things, it doesn't matter. I'm very spontaneous, so sometimes I say really strange things to people! But you won't believe it, they like it. Once I saw a guy in a CD shop. The next day I came back, and he was there again. I was so surprised that I stared at him and vigorously exclaimed "You again! What are you doing here?!" To what he replied "And what are you doing here?!". We both laughed, the ice was broken.
Some people tend to be way too attached to figuring out which words to use. But the energy you're sending off in that moment is way more important than the content of what you're saying. If you're attached to making a specific impression, you're likely to be self-conscious and to send off a stressed out and unpleasant vibe. If you're feeling self-confident, connected and loving towards this person, they will feel it no matter what you say - and that's what they will get.
And feeling self-confident, connected and loving is a matter of mindset...
Being present is key
I’m not fond of watching one’s body language or using lines, tricks and strategies to socialize. When you focus on what you should say or where to put your hands, you’re not being present in the moment. And that’s not what you want. You can’t connect if you’re not being present. When you’re not being present, you’re not really here. And if you’re not here, how could you meet this person here?
Present moment awareness means focusing on here and now. Don’t think of anything else than what’s happening right now. Don’t try to impress or to analyze, don’t think about what could happen next, or what happened before. Just be here with this person. Be open, listen. Observe your reactions without trying to control them. Let what happens happen. :-)
What I've found to be very useful is to always keep a part of my attention in my inner body. The inner body is what you feel when you focus on your body from the inside. Can you feel the inside of your body as one energetic field? If you can’t, practice feeling it, it’s a great sensation!
To learn more about being present and feeling your inner body, read The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. He’s the great present moment awareness specialist.
Assault old ladies!
If you want to get better at connecting with people, you need to practice. My advice is not to practice with people in your sexual or romantic target group. This would make it much more difficult. The possibility that they interpret your approach as hitting on them could block you, even if it's not at all the case, and even more so if it is the case. ;-) So, avoid that at first. Practice with other people, you'll feel safer.
The ideal targets (hehehe) are old ladies, in my experience they're always happy to get some attention and to have a nice chat. Usually they're also very friendly. Also people the age of your parents, or much younger people.
Little kids and babies are great connectors. It's very easy to connect with a baby, much easier than with an adult. They haven't all the fearful social conditioning to block them. They're curious and spontaneously offer you toothless smiles and wave you goodbye with their little hands.
They can't speak, but it doesn't matter. Remember it's more about the mindset and the energy than about the words. It's about opening up, staying present, and allowing emotions to flow out of you. You'll feel genuine connection even without words.
So, and now go out and talk to people! :-) Good luck!
(Edit: there's a follow-up to this post here.)
miércoles, 26 de noviembre de 2008
Chit-Chat with Strangers
I love to chat with strangers. You can do it everywhere: on the street, in a shop, while queuing somewhere...
Recently I was at the florist's, looking for flowers to experiment with, when a guy who was looking at the roses turned to me and asked me whether he should buy the red ones or the pink ones.
- For whom are they? I asked.
- For a girl.
- And what do you feel towards her?
- Friendship. She's a friend of mine. It's her birthday. The flowers are meant to be a surprise.
- Don't take the red ones then.
We briefly talked about the language of flowers and what those in front of us meant. I told him I liked the orange roses best.
- But they weren't part of the choice, he said.
- ok, take the pink ones then.
He did, and left with a big smile, wishing me a nice day.
I decided to buy the orange roses. As I was paying, I asked the florist if she likes her job. I was just curious, I wonder how it feels to be a florist. She was very surprised, looks like nobody asks her that question usually. She smiled, a bit puzzled and said yes, it's a nice job. She seemed to suddenly remember that she had a nice job indeed.
Such small talk with strangers is a lovely embellishment of my everyday life. It's nothing life altering or world changing, but I really like it. It makes my strolls through the city more interesting, and my whole life more beautiful.
Small talk isn't necessarily shallow. Strangers often talk with me about their private life, about their feelings, their fears or their relationships. You can become intimate with someone in the space of a minute.
Once in Germany I met an old lady on a bus. She sat down next to me, looking tired. I said "Hello." and smiled, happy to see her. She was such an adorable airy old-fashioned lady with white hair and an umbrella in her hand. She confided to me that she had been attending a tea dance. And she got to dance with a few gentlemen! I grinned. After just five minutes, she was leaning against my shoulder, whispering things into my ear about the gentlemen in her youth. We giggled like two school girls for twenty minutes till I had to alight from the bus. It was a fun bus ride!
When you're being open to communication, other people feel it, even when you're not talking to them. And then weird things happen sometimes. It's magic!
A few days ago I was walking in a neighborhood unknown to me, looking for the location of a tango class. Two young women were walking ahead of me. Suddenly one of them turned to me, claiming "You! You're spying on us!" She was kidding. I laughed.
- Oh crap! Now I got caught!
- You were following us!
- I admit. I even heard everything you just said!
The two laughed. I asked them if they knew the place I was looking for, but they didn't. So I decided to check another street. I thanked them and left.
- Hey! They called after me, And have a nice evening!
Hehehehehe.
Talk to strangers on the street. Open up. It's fun and makes everybody's life nicer. If you think you're too shy, I once was the shyest person on this planet. That's something you can work on. Imagine everybody greeting each other and chit-chatting on the streets. Wouldn't that be wonderful? :-)
Recently I was at the florist's, looking for flowers to experiment with, when a guy who was looking at the roses turned to me and asked me whether he should buy the red ones or the pink ones.
- For whom are they? I asked.
- For a girl.
- And what do you feel towards her?
- Friendship. She's a friend of mine. It's her birthday. The flowers are meant to be a surprise.
- Don't take the red ones then.
We briefly talked about the language of flowers and what those in front of us meant. I told him I liked the orange roses best.
- But they weren't part of the choice, he said.
- ok, take the pink ones then.
He did, and left with a big smile, wishing me a nice day.
I decided to buy the orange roses. As I was paying, I asked the florist if she likes her job. I was just curious, I wonder how it feels to be a florist. She was very surprised, looks like nobody asks her that question usually. She smiled, a bit puzzled and said yes, it's a nice job. She seemed to suddenly remember that she had a nice job indeed.
Such small talk with strangers is a lovely embellishment of my everyday life. It's nothing life altering or world changing, but I really like it. It makes my strolls through the city more interesting, and my whole life more beautiful.
Small talk isn't necessarily shallow. Strangers often talk with me about their private life, about their feelings, their fears or their relationships. You can become intimate with someone in the space of a minute.
Once in Germany I met an old lady on a bus. She sat down next to me, looking tired. I said "Hello." and smiled, happy to see her. She was such an adorable airy old-fashioned lady with white hair and an umbrella in her hand. She confided to me that she had been attending a tea dance. And she got to dance with a few gentlemen! I grinned. After just five minutes, she was leaning against my shoulder, whispering things into my ear about the gentlemen in her youth. We giggled like two school girls for twenty minutes till I had to alight from the bus. It was a fun bus ride!
When you're being open to communication, other people feel it, even when you're not talking to them. And then weird things happen sometimes. It's magic!
A few days ago I was walking in a neighborhood unknown to me, looking for the location of a tango class. Two young women were walking ahead of me. Suddenly one of them turned to me, claiming "You! You're spying on us!" She was kidding. I laughed.
- Oh crap! Now I got caught!
- You were following us!
- I admit. I even heard everything you just said!
The two laughed. I asked them if they knew the place I was looking for, but they didn't. So I decided to check another street. I thanked them and left.
- Hey! They called after me, And have a nice evening!
Hehehehehe.
Talk to strangers on the street. Open up. It's fun and makes everybody's life nicer. If you think you're too shy, I once was the shyest person on this planet. That's something you can work on. Imagine everybody greeting each other and chit-chatting on the streets. Wouldn't that be wonderful? :-)
viernes, 7 de noviembre de 2008
How To Cure Heartburn?
Today, I feel like writing about something easy. Getting rid of heartburn is easy :-) I used to have massive, chronic heartburn in the past. Now, it never happens to me anymore. Here's how to cure it:
Short-term solution: green clay
I've found green clay to be the best cure for heartburn. Green clay is totally awesome anyway, it's a natural yet very powerful remedy for many ailments. You can use it externally to wash yourself or as a beauty mask to clear the skin. Ingesting it helps with all kinds of digestive worries.
I don't know why or how it works. I often read that green clay binds and neutralizes toxins. I've heard it's rich in minerals. I've also heard it has a high pH level, which would explain why it's so efficient against heartburn. What I know for sure is that it helps!
You can find green clay in wholefood shops and certainly also online. Mix 1-2 spoonful with a glass of cold water and drink it. If it's not enough, repeat. Your heartburn will disappear, I promise.
But of course that's only a short-term solution, once you've managed to mess with your stomach enough to cause heartburn. How to avoid that?
Long-term solution: a diet change
Heartburn is not something you get by accident or coincidence. Swallowing drugs to suppress it might eliminate your discomfort but doesn't address the real issue. If you get heartburn, then your diet sucks, it's as simple as that.
You could experiment a bit with food to identify what causes the heartburn, and then all you need to do is to cut this out of your diet. Be honest with yourself, even if you don't like what you find out.
What I personally found to cause heartburn is:
coffee
soda and fruit juices
sugar-fat mixes, like fatty cakes
refined sugar, corn syrup and chemical sweeteners
meat
grains, even unrefined
dairy
alcohol
cigarettes
I'm not surprised, as all this is very unhealthy stuff anyway.
My advice: reduce your consumption of these items - if possible to zero - and eat more raw, organic, whole, fresh fruit and veggies instead. You'll soon forget about heartburn :-)
Short-term solution: green clay
I've found green clay to be the best cure for heartburn. Green clay is totally awesome anyway, it's a natural yet very powerful remedy for many ailments. You can use it externally to wash yourself or as a beauty mask to clear the skin. Ingesting it helps with all kinds of digestive worries.
I don't know why or how it works. I often read that green clay binds and neutralizes toxins. I've heard it's rich in minerals. I've also heard it has a high pH level, which would explain why it's so efficient against heartburn. What I know for sure is that it helps!
You can find green clay in wholefood shops and certainly also online. Mix 1-2 spoonful with a glass of cold water and drink it. If it's not enough, repeat. Your heartburn will disappear, I promise.
But of course that's only a short-term solution, once you've managed to mess with your stomach enough to cause heartburn. How to avoid that?
Long-term solution: a diet change
Heartburn is not something you get by accident or coincidence. Swallowing drugs to suppress it might eliminate your discomfort but doesn't address the real issue. If you get heartburn, then your diet sucks, it's as simple as that.
You could experiment a bit with food to identify what causes the heartburn, and then all you need to do is to cut this out of your diet. Be honest with yourself, even if you don't like what you find out.
What I personally found to cause heartburn is:
coffee
soda and fruit juices
sugar-fat mixes, like fatty cakes
refined sugar, corn syrup and chemical sweeteners
meat
grains, even unrefined
dairy
alcohol
cigarettes
I'm not surprised, as all this is very unhealthy stuff anyway.
My advice: reduce your consumption of these items - if possible to zero - and eat more raw, organic, whole, fresh fruit and veggies instead. You'll soon forget about heartburn :-)
lunes, 3 de noviembre de 2008
Get Creative in November!
Hi all,
Looks like November is the month of creativity. I'm a bit late with this, but I thought I'd let you know. If you'd like to do something creative this month, here are a few nice opportunities. It's not too late to join!
Join NaNoWriMo
November is the National Novel Writing Month. It should be called InNoWriMo, International Novel Writing Month, though. Every year in November, thousands of people all around the world write a novel.
Everybody can do it, the goal is not to write high-quality prose, it's just to frantically write down whatever pops into your mind as fast as possible, without editing, without trying to be good. You can edit it in December!
If you succeed in producing a 50,000 words first draft by November 30th, midnight, you win.
Of course I signed up :-) I have no clue what I'm going to write about, but I'm sure it's going to be awesome.
If you're interested, have a look at the NaNoWriMo homepage.
Join NaBloPoMo
Similarly, you can go for a 30 days blogging challenge: one blog post a day till November 30th, together with many others. See the NaBloPoMo homepage.
Join AEDM
AEDM is the Art Every Day Month, and it's November, too. If you're neither a writer nor a blogger, but would like to get more creative and to share your creations with others, have a look at the AEDM site.
I really like the idea. It's about all kinds of creative activities, be it painting or music or cooking or crafting christmas tree decorations with toilet paper. Sounds like a lot of fun!
Are you blocked?
In case you
think you can't be creative
have some creative dreams that you don't realize for some reason
just want to get more creative in your daily life
or want to improve your ability to solve problems creatively
I highly recommend The Artist's Way by Julia Cameron. It's an amazing book I'm working through at the moment.
The Artist's Way is a twelve weeks course in discovering or recovering your creativity. It's for blocked artists as well as for all those who just want to be creative. I'll post a review when I'm done with the journey.
So... It's November! Be happy, get creative! :-)
Looks like November is the month of creativity. I'm a bit late with this, but I thought I'd let you know. If you'd like to do something creative this month, here are a few nice opportunities. It's not too late to join!
Join NaNoWriMo
November is the National Novel Writing Month. It should be called InNoWriMo, International Novel Writing Month, though. Every year in November, thousands of people all around the world write a novel.
Everybody can do it, the goal is not to write high-quality prose, it's just to frantically write down whatever pops into your mind as fast as possible, without editing, without trying to be good. You can edit it in December!
If you succeed in producing a 50,000 words first draft by November 30th, midnight, you win.
Of course I signed up :-) I have no clue what I'm going to write about, but I'm sure it's going to be awesome.
If you're interested, have a look at the NaNoWriMo homepage.
Join NaBloPoMo
Similarly, you can go for a 30 days blogging challenge: one blog post a day till November 30th, together with many others. See the NaBloPoMo homepage.
Join AEDM
AEDM is the Art Every Day Month, and it's November, too. If you're neither a writer nor a blogger, but would like to get more creative and to share your creations with others, have a look at the AEDM site.
I really like the idea. It's about all kinds of creative activities, be it painting or music or cooking or crafting christmas tree decorations with toilet paper. Sounds like a lot of fun!
Are you blocked?
In case you
think you can't be creative
have some creative dreams that you don't realize for some reason
just want to get more creative in your daily life
or want to improve your ability to solve problems creatively
I highly recommend The Artist's Way by Julia Cameron. It's an amazing book I'm working through at the moment.
The Artist's Way is a twelve weeks course in discovering or recovering your creativity. It's for blocked artists as well as for all those who just want to be creative. I'll post a review when I'm done with the journey.
So... It's November! Be happy, get creative! :-)
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