jueves, 12 de noviembre de 2009

Is it Safe to Trust Everybody?

I recently shared some useful beliefs. One of them was "I trust everybody". In a comment, lovely Andrew asked me if it is safe to have such a belief.

Yes, it is safe. It is safe because we are safe at all times, unless we make ourselves unsafe by choice.

If you ask me, I'd even say that we can only be fully safe if we fully trust.
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Wondering if it is safe to trust everybody implies two things.

It implies that if someone deceives us, lies to us, doesn't keep their word, doesn't fulfill our expectations, lets us down, takes advantage of us, etc., in short, if someone behaves in a way that we think is not okay and breaks our trust, then this can actually hurt us. Nobody would wonder whether it is safe or not to trust others if safety were not an issue, so this implies that other people's actions have the power to seriously affect us.

It also implies that the more you trust others, the greater the risk. Like, trusting a few people is safe, but everybody? Again, nobody would ask this question without the assumption that the more unconditionally you trust, or the more people you trust, especially without knowing them, the higher the probability that you could get hurt.

I disagree with both of these assumptions.
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Other people's actions cannot hurt me unless I allow them to do so. I know that I am the creator of my own feelings and that I am free to choose how I react to whatever situation shows up in my life.

Seen this way, even when others break my trust and deceive me, lie to me, let me down or take advantage of me and so on, I still have the choice to let this affect me, or not. In case shit happens, I know I can take it. Therefore, trusting others is not any more risky than not trusting them. I am safe either way.

Besides, does shit never happen to people who don't trust others easily? I highly doubt that. In my experience, the contrary is the case. We see what we believe. When we are full of fear and believe that others are out to screw us over, then that is what tends to happen to us.

The probability of having shit happen to us is much higher when we are full of shit inside. Like attracts like. The more we let go of the fear and make the choice to trust, the lower the probability that we will be proven wrong. Trusting greatly contributes to our safety. There will be less shit inside that could attract the shit outside.
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My "100% trust is default"-policy works great for me. I have found that the people in my life tend to be absolutely trustworthy and fair. I often get surprisingly much from them; more than I expect. I cannot even remember the last time I felt intentionally taken advantage of or deceived.

From time to time, someone unintentionally does something to me that I find is not okay. When this happens, I re-evaluate my relationship with them. I might completely let go of it, or reconfigure it, or just continue without changing anything. I do this only once something has happened, though. Why would I mistrust someone preventively? This is an absurd idea.
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Some people believe that trust is something that one needs to build. Preferably slowly. Something that we need to earn by repeatedly proving our loyalty and reliability, before we get the privilege of being trusted. They believe that we should not trust people we don't know. More generally, we should not open up to or rely on anybody without being assured that we won't get hurt, disappointed or taken advantage of as a result. Like, let's not trust in order not to fall on our nose.

Such an attitude does not serve us. It's a way of trying to avoid risk by controlling our external life circumstances. Trying to control what we are scared of is futile. It just doesn't work.

Obviously, mistrusting others is by no means a guarantee that no shit will ever happen. If you let your well-being depend on other people's actions, you are fundamentally unsafe anyway, no matter how much or how little you trust others and no matter how well you succeed in avoiding opportunities to get challenged.

Trying to avoid risk means seeing ourselves as vulnerable and not trusting ourselves to be able to handle whatever we might get confronted with. That's a very weakening message that we send to ourselves.
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The cautious attitude is based on lots of fears. These fears not only attract a lot of shit that would not happen to us if we didn't have the fears in the first place. They also prevent us from relaxing and opening up. They prevent love from flowing freely. The resulting feeling of connection to others is suboptimal. When you don't fully trust, you cannot fully love.

Only when we let go of control and fear and trust others unconditionally can we be open enough to experience love in all its warm magnificence. Are you ready for that? :-)

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