Day 3 was really difficult. I spent the day out of the house with a group of people, some of which I barely knew and some I didn't know at all. It was all very nice - just too much input for me. After a few hours, I got a huge headache and would have loved to go away. I felt tempted to eat a sandwich, not because I wanted a sandwich, but because I knew the bread and fat would numb me out and help me to cope with the situation. But I managed (it's a miracle) to stick to my diet. I didn't eat enough, though. I just had no peace for that.
Most of the day I ran on my emergency batteries just trying to get by. I came home in the evening in a state of great distress and with huge cravings for guacamole, fatty salad, fried mushrooms à la sauce Béchamel and similar things.When I came home my grandma was cooking in the kitchen. That was really difficult. Later I ate with my parents. Munching on my lettuce without dressing while they were eating their deliciously smelling, fatty, salty pumpkin soup was some kind of torture too. I went to bed with a raging headache and cravings.
That night I slept really bad and dreamed that I had sex with three ugly, dangerous, kinda reptilian-like blue monsters that were sent by an obnoxious villain to kill me. I woke up very disturbed.
Days 4 and 5 were better, although I was still feeling weak, vulnerable and in need for protection. I tried to spend as much time as possible alone and in silence. But I also made mistakes. I allowed myself to get caught in some very unpleasant and exhausting situations, like eating with my parents while they were listening to the news, or listening to a rant against our government, that I was too much of a nervous wreck to stop.
When I came home today, the first thing I did was to run to the shop and buy two huge bags of fatty starchy comfort foods (mashed potatoes, cake...). Then I spent several hours eating.
My own responsibility. I should have managed my nerves better.
When people talk about emotional eating, I usually shrug and think this does not apply to me. I'm great at dealing with my emotions without needing food for that thank you very much. But I realize that I use fatty food to regain some balance when my nerves are totally shot and I'm about to break down.
There are lots of situations in my past that I would never have survived without cooked food and for that I am deeply thankful. If I want to let go of it now, though, I can see that I need to change a lot of things about my attitude.
I must 1) avoid to stay in situations that are not good for my nerves, no matter what and 2) draw MUCH clearer boundaries. Even when it's my family or other lovely people. In the future, when some situation feels bad to me, I will just say "STOP" out loud. I won't tolerate this kind of thing anymore.
My critical time is 2-6pm. Before 2pm I am barely hungry, one fruit smoothie is enough to keep me fit for the whole morning. After 6pm I have no appetite anymore and tend to go to bed very early. Between 2 and 6pm I am hungry as hell. That's also the time when I have cravings and am tempted to eat fat or cooked food. So instead of adopting a breakfast-lunch-dinner model, I'll have one meal early in the morning and then several meals in the afternoon. Should minimize risks.
I'm taking the day off my dietary efforts tomorrow and will start over with Day 1 on Wednesday.
I WILL succeed. Even if I keep failing until the end of my life, I won't give up until I manage to stay on 80/10/10 for 365 days in a row. When I was horseback riding in my childhood, I learned that every time you fall, you need to get back on the horse immediately. And I'm stubborn as a donkey. ;)